I'm turning stupid because I have a boyfriend?

[alias25]

Hi,

I havn't been on these forums for years now probably, I googled something and this site came up. I see some people on here I remember.

The title really states my problem, I was wondering if anyone else feels this way? It's strange, I used to be very focused on work, competitive, driven and now I've lost motivation. I'm dreading the start of university, it's my final year and it's worth about 60%, i think, of the degree. I can definitely say I've changed as a person, I feel it, in some sense I am more confident (with my body and personality) but my confidence in work and in my ability has gone down. I am aware there are other factors that probably contribute to this, but I am sure one of the main reasons is that I have a boyfriend, feels like my thinking has changed some way.

Do you have any suggestions on how to motivate myself? and to get back to being my old self? I'd really appreciate your help.
Much thanks!

 

[Maroc]

Well you boyfriend is really not the problem. You get distracted and such because you i assume are more focused to him lol. A way you can motivate yourself is to think about your future and all the oppurtointies that you have opened to you.

I hope this helps.

- Maroc

 

[CFDFEAGURU]

I think your just normal. For instance, before I met my fiance I spent most of my time working on sports cars, going to clubs, and drinking alcohol, now I spend most of my time writing computer programs, reading General Relativity, and taking care of our daughter. Now a good many years has passed since we met and I haven't worked on a sports, gone to any clubs, and drank nearly as much alcohol but I don't consider myself to be stupid in the areas that were once a primary interest and are now secondary at best.

I don't know your age, but perhaps you are simply growing into your new self, or maybe finding your path. Change is not always a bad thing.

As for your boyfriend being your prime motivation for the new changes, don't put too much weight on that. You change as you mature all on your own.

Thanks
Matt

 

[alias25]

Yeah, I should just go with it. It's strange how I can distinguish how different I was then to how I am now.
Thank you.

 

[waht]

Consider the worst case scenario if you do bad in school and then break up with your boyfriend.

 

[Astronuc]

Yeah, I should just go with it. It's strange how I can distinguish how different I was then to how I am now.
Thank you.

Well - people change with experience. In addition to the boyfriend, one has completed 3 yrs of an undergrad program (I'm presuming), and one is starting the final year, which can be stressful. What are the plans after completing the degree? Grad school? Work?

Certainly having a mate can complicate one's life. Hopefully one's mate is supportive of one and one's academics.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

Yeah, I should just go with it. It's strange how I can distinguish how different I was then to how I am now.
Thank you.

Be careful, a common issue in long term relationships and marriages is that one of the partners (most often the female) will begin to feel that they have given up (or thrown away) a major part of their life for the other. I would suggest being sure that you maintain and pursue your own personal goals outside of your relationship.

 

[WhoWee]

Be careful, a common issue in long term relationships and marriages is that one of the partners (most often the female) will begin to feel that they have given up (or thrown away) a major part of their life for the other. I would suggest being sure that you maintain and pursue your own personal goals outside of your relationship.

To expand on this, adult life really doesn't begin until you settle into a career. If necessary, have an honest discussion with your boyfriend regarding expectations. Your priority is to finish strong and lay the groundwork for your life.

It's great that you have someone to spend time with and hopefully you're supportive of one-another. Just keep the relationship in perspective and nobody should get hurt.

 

[Astronuc]

Be careful, a common issue in long term relationships and marriages is that one of the partners (most often the female) will begin to feel that they have given up (or thrown away) a major part of their life for the other. I would suggest being sure that you maintain and pursue your own personal goals outside of your relationship.

To expand on this, adult life really doesn't begin until you settle into a career. If necessary, have an honest discussion with your boyfriend regarding expectations. Your priority is to finish strong and lay the groundwork for your life.

It's great that you have someone to spend time with and hopefully you're supportive of one-another. Just keep the relationship in perspective and nobody should get hurt.

Communication is important, so that there are no unfortunate surprises or disappointments.

Both parties to a relationship need to know where the other stands on a variety of issues - especially BEFORE children enter the picture.

 

[Evo]

My youngest daughter decided to look for a boyfriend that was very focused on getting a degree with a career path in mind. That has helped her to focus more on school and decide to make a career change. Since he's in medicine (she was pre-med), she's now decided to go back to her true love of law and become a lawyer. She's completely focused now because her boyfriend is more into school than partying.

If you were more focused on school before, then adding a boyfriend into the mix would naturally take away some of the focus. Just be sure you don't let it bring your grades down. Boyfriends come and go, your college achievements can affect the rest of your life. Hopefully you can find an acceptable compromise.

 

[alias25]

Well - people change with experience. In addition to the boyfriend, one has completed 3 yrs of an undergrad program (I'm presuming), and one is starting the final year, which can be stressful. What are the plans after completing the degree? Grad school? Work?

Certainly having a mate can complicate one's life. Hopefully one's mate is supportive of one and one's academics.

You are right, things are bound to be different as I am approching a turning point in life. I've decided to go into high school teaching and my boyfriend is supportive of my studies and career choice :) thanks.

My parents on the other hand are clearly disappointed in me for not going for a phD, but that's another story.

 

[alias25]

To expand on this, adult life really doesn't begin until you settle into a career. If necessary, have an honest discussion with your boyfriend regarding expectations. Your priority is to finish strong and lay the groundwork for your life.

It's great that you have someone to spend time with and hopefully you're supportive of one-another. Just keep the relationship in perspective and nobody should get hurt.

Hmm, I think it is the other way around, once one has reached an adult frame of mind one desires to settle into a career/job. I believe I have reached that point and that is why I no longer wish to be in this transition phase of being a university student.

My youngest daughter decided to look for a boyfriend that was very focused on getting a degree with a career path in mind. That has helped her to focus more on school and decide to make a career change. Since he's in medicine (she was pre-med), she's now decided to go back to her true love of law and become a lawyer. She's completely focused now because her boyfriend is more into school than partying.

If you were more focused on school before, then adding a boyfriend into the mix would naturally take away some of the focus. Just be sure you don't let it bring your grades down. Boyfriends come and go, your college achievements can affect the rest of your life. Hopefully you can find an acceptable compromise.

I have thought of that -boyfriends will come and go, but my achievements are for life, and I agree. I suppose it's enthusiasm I've lost for the subject, I'm seeing life in a different way. There's a bigger picture than being so competitive all the time and trying to reach the top, there's more to life. Like living it, for example. I think I've been trapped in my mind too long...hmm anyway, thank you all for your replies!

 

[Borek]

That'll be the first case I have heard off - so far from my observations it works other way around, many otherwise intelligent men become stupid when they have a GF.

 

[Astronuc]

You are right, things are bound to be different as I am approching a turning point in life. I've decided to go into high school teaching and my boyfriend is supportive of my studies and career choice :) thanks.

My parents on the other hand are clearly disappointed in me for not going for a phD, but that's another story.

As one gains experience, one sees the world differently. New opportunities come with the experience.

High school teaching is a noble, but perhaps sometimes frustrating endeavor. My high school chemistry teacher has an MS in chemistry, and she taught us from a college textbook.

I missed a change to study physics with a PhD from Caltech. He had graduated from our high school about a decade earlier, and he returned briefly to teach physics. He lasted two years and then took a research position with one of the largest oil companies. I think now he has returned to teaching, but at university. His teaching method was brilliant - a blend of theory and experimentation.

One could still return to university later and complete a PhD. The key is to never stop learning. Stay involved with professional societies in one's discipline, and browse the journals to keep up with the state-of-the-art. However, doing graduate school later in life can be more difficult, especially if one has a family and/or one has settled in an area in which one has limited or no access to a university. The professors in my department at university encouraged us to obtain a PhD as soon as possible - and many of our students did.

 

[harborsparrow]

I once had to break up with a very nice boyfriend because he was unwilling for me to work the long hours that I needed to work while in school. I thought about it long and hard. He was right, and I was right. He wanted to "live in the now". I wanted to shore up my credentials for the future (and I was poor and had to work my way through school, so I had no free time).

Hope your situation is not something like that. The "right boyfriend" for you will be supportive of your professional endeavors.

 

[Moonbear]

I have thought of that -boyfriends will come and go, but my achievements are for life, and I agree.

Consider even the scenario if this boyfriend doesn't come and go, but is the one you stay with. You wouldn't want to resent him someday for interfering with your completion of school and success in a career afterward.

It may not be your boyfriend that is the problem at all. You say your parents don't support your change of direction, and that can sometimes feel a bit demoralizing when someone you care about isn't supportive of your choices.

 

[Proton Soup]

love changes your brain chemistry. at least for a few months. don't do anything rash, the oxytocin will subside eventually.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

High school teaching is a noble, but perhaps sometimes frustrating endeavor.

Alexandra, a member who has not been around in some time now, told me that she often felt frustrated teaching. It really bothered her that no matter what she did or said certain people just were not interested in getting an education.

I've decided to go into high school teaching and my boyfriend is supportive of my studies and career choice :) thanks.

You can always still get more education, perhaps even while you are teaching. My aunt has a PhD in education. I don't think she has ever taught anything above grade 8 though. The more education you have the more options you will have later.

 

[drizzle]

love changes your brain chemistry. at least for a few months. don't do anything rash, the oxytocin will subside eventually.

what the heck!

please say this is a joke

 

[Proton Soup]

what the heck!

please say this is a joke

why do you think liz taylor got married so many times?