My friend thinks I'm arguing when I explain my opinion, I wonder why?

[Ertiyu]

So I have a friend who thinks I'm arguing whenever I state my opinion and explain my opinion. For example, he said he was ugly and I was telling him that he's not ugly and that people are beautiful in their own ways, he disagreed, so then I also pointed out some of his features that are really pretty and shows that he's not ugly in any way. But he got upset. And I'm wondering why? Why did he get upset? I thought I was trying to make him feel better, you know, boost his self esteem or something but I guess it didn't work? Was it the way I said it?

 

[fresh_42]

I'm arguing whenever I state my opinion and explain my opinion

So do I, I guess. There are two principal ways to come to a conclusion: by adding positive arguments one after the other, or indirectly by contradictions. The latter is a bit of a mathematical disease. You constantly ask "what of not".

However, I think what is more important is, that people feel differently when confronted with a statement. Introverts might read it as an offense, extroverts as an invitation to counter.

 

[hutchphd]

Could it be this? Why did my friend get me this shirt?

https://www.docuroi.net/engineer-im...BMGWKmqm8dGfC8eyXpqSPMKPBTKmj4pBoC2uwQAvD_BwE

 

[Vanadium 50]

"Why, you're not half as ugly as people say!"

 

[Ivan Seeking]

So I have a friend who thinks I'm arguing whenever I state my opinion and explain my opinion. For example, he said he was ugly and I was telling him that he's not ugly and that people are beautiful in their own ways, he disagreed, so then I also pointed out some of his features that are really pretty and shows that he's not ugly in any way. But he got upset. And I'm wondering why? Why did he get upset? I thought I was trying to make him feel better, you know, boost his self esteem or something but I guess it didn't work? Was it the way I said it?

He may feel you were being condescending; just looking for ways to make him feel better and not being sincere.

He may have just been feeling sorry for himself and there was nothing you could say or do at the time that would help. In that event it may be better to wait until he feels better. Sometimes we just need time to process certain feelings and nothing can change that.

 

[DennisN]

So I have a friend who thinks I'm arguing whenever I state my opinion and explain my opinion. For example, he said he was ugly and I was telling him that he's not ugly and that people are beautiful in their own ways, he disagreed, so then I also pointed out some of his features that are really pretty and shows that he's not ugly in any way. But he got upset. And I'm wondering why? Why did he get upset? I thought I was trying to make him feel better, you know, boost his self esteem or something but I guess it didn't work? Was it the way I said it?

It's difficult to evaluate such things over the internet. But I think @Ivan Seeking gave a couple of good possible reasons above.

I could add that another possibility is that it may be a deep-seated belief that he has of himself. And he could have got upset that you don't understand that problem. And/or maybe he doesn't understand it himself. I don't know, it's just one possibility.

Edit: He could also have become angry because you are challenging his belief.

 

[hutchphd]

"Why, you're not half as ugly as people say!"

And I am not as paranoid as everyone thinks I am.

.

 

[DaveC426913]

I thought I was trying to make him feel better, you know, boost his self esteem or something...

Rule zero when consoling a friend: (This one weird trick) will get you very far in life:

Ask yourself: What does this friend want - solutions or consolation?

Most people when they're complaining about their lives do not want to hear that their complaints are invalid. They don't want to be corrected.

They want to be consoled. They want to be heard and have their feelings felt. What they want to hear is: "That sucks! That should not happen to you! Screw that guy/thing!"(Later, when they feel better, they'll be more receptive to logic. But never try logic at the height of what is actually an emotional outburst.)

 

[phinds]

So I have a friend who thinks I'm arguing whenever I state my opinion and explain my opinion.

I have no idea about your particular situation but I do know that there are people who see almost everything as "argumentative". Do you have the same problem with other people? Does your friend find other people to be "argumentative" when you think they are not being? It's one possibility that the issue is entirely w/ your friend and has nothing to do with you or the particular conversation. Again, I have no idea whether or not this is applicable to your situation.

 

[DaveC426913]

...there are people who see almost everything as "argumentative".

See above.

Men tend toward problem-solving and solution-finding. This is exactly the opposite of what someone who is feeling upset or sorry for themselves needs. The trick is to "tend and befriend".

 

[DennisN]

Rule zero when consoling a friend: (This one weird trick) will get you very far in life:

Ask yourself: What does this friend want - solutions or consolation?

Most people when they're complaining about their lives do not want to hear that their complaints are invalid. They don't want to be corrected.

They want to be consoled. They want to be heard and have their feelings felt. What they want to hear is: "That sucks! That should not happen to you! Screw that guy/thing!"(Later, when they feel better, they'll be more receptive to logic. But never try logic at the height of what is actually an emotional outburst.)

There is a lot of truth in that, in my experience.

 

[phinds]

Men tend toward problem-solving and solution-finding.

It's not "men" exactly, it's "type A" (mostly, but not exclusively, men) who want information and "type B" (mostly, but not exclusively, women) who want discussion.

 

[Astronuc]

So I have a friend who thinks I'm arguing whenever I state my opinion and explain my opinion. For example, he said he was ugly and I was telling him that he's not ugly and that people are beautiful in their own ways, he disagreed, so then I also pointed out some of his features that are really pretty and shows that he's not ugly in any way. But he got upset. And I'm wondering why? Why did he get upset? I thought I was trying to make him feel better, you know, boost his self esteem or something but I guess it didn't work? Was it the way I said it?

Without knowing details of the discussion, i.e., not being a witness between one and one's friend, it is impossible to assess one's friend's response, or his frame of mind. Ostensibly, one was positive in one's comments, yet there could be others who have been negative to one's friend. Then one's positive comments conflicts with the negative comments or behaviors of others.

One's friend could be experiencing body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), a mental health challenge, or perhaps just some insecurity about his appearance. If one has BDD, one may be so upset about the appearance of one's body that it gets in the way of one's ability to live normally. Some have what they think are flaws in their appearance. But if one has BDD, one's reaction to perceived “flaw(s)” may become overwhelming. One may find that negative thoughts about one's body are hard to control. One may even spend hours each day worrying about one's appearance.
https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/body-dysmorphic-disorder

We are surrounded by media and other persons ('influencers') who provide examples of what some may consider 'beautiful' or 'glamorous', and some these examples become unrealistic (and arbitrary) standards.

 

[jbriggs444]

Sometimes you just want to feel the way you feel. For instance, feeling unlucky and disadvantaged and beset upon by humanity for reasons not of your own making. Like the scene in A Christmas Story where Ralphie gets his mouth washed out with soap and fantasizes fondly about going blind and then explaining to his parents: "It was... soap poisoning".

If one's misfortunes in life are not the result of ugliness, the possibility arises that they might be one's own fault. But such a thought cannot be allowed to stand. It must be attacked!

Of course, this is not a rational response. But it is an emotional response that I can definitely empathize with.

 

[pinball1970]

So I have a friend who thinks I'm arguing whenever I state my opinion and explain my opinion. For example, he said he was ugly and I was telling him that he's not ugly and that people are beautiful in their own ways, he disagreed, so then I also pointed out some of his features that are really pretty and shows that he's not ugly in any way. But he got upset. And I'm wondering why? Why did he get upset? I thought I was trying to make him feel better, you know, boost his self esteem or something but I guess it didn't work? Was it the way I said it?

If he has a got a downer on how he looks right now there will not be much you can say without him flying off the handle, he is already sensitized.

Mid to late teens brings this out with a good dose of testosterone thrown in.
I would not mention it again unless he does and then you can point out that last time you offered an opinion, you were shot down.
Cold hard fact is facially, you look how you look and there is not much you can do about it.

You can always hit the gym with him and improve the parts of your body that can be improved.

Improve confidence this way and get fitter too.

 

[Rive]

For example, he said he was ugly and I was telling him that he's not ugly and that people are beautiful in their own ways, he disagreed, so then I also pointed out some of his features that are really pretty and shows that he's not ugly in any way. But he got upset. And I'm wondering why?

Guess because those type of consoling words are usually said to... erm... girls with a bit less beauty. And their practical meaning is often understood as 'well, yes, you are right, but see, I'll still try to console you'.
For men what's needed is not beauty, but a 'redeeming quality'. If you has that then anything a bit less ugly than the devil will do.

Of course most of this is still just the good old thick BS, but next time try to go on that line and see whether he would feel a bit more macho than before

 

[fresh_42]

Looks as if OP lost interest, so I'll close this thread for now.
Thanks for your participation.