ObjectivelyRational said:
Is it safe to say:
1. For any specific portion of infalling matter directly in line of sight between you and the cog of the bh, "after stabilization" no photons emitted directly towards you from that specific portion of the infalling matter (straight line path) can reach you (it being beyond the event horizon). (or better no photons can even be directed toward you... or there is NO towards you)
For a purely classical black hole (no Hawking radition and no BH evapoartion), once the portion of infalling matter crosses the event horizon, no signal emitted from the matter itself can ever reach the external universe by the definition of what an event horizon is.
As others have noted, the idea of the "center of gravity" isn't quite right.
2. Any contribution to the gravity wave you detect caused by that specific portion of infalling matter
Gravity is non-linear, therefore you can't describe the total signal as the sum of signals from "specific potions" of infalling matter. I believe it is incorrect to talk about the signal due to a "specific portion" of the infalling matter in the strong field case you are describing. In the weak field case one can get away with it as an approximation, but not in a strong field case.
It's wrong to ascribe all signals directly to matter. The right way to do things is to solve the Einstein field equations. Matter causes space-time to curve. The curved space-times interact, in a nonlinear matter, even in regions where matter isn't present.
As another poster has pointed out, in a black hole-black hole merger, which is one of the best studied cases, there isn't technically any matter in the simulation. There is only space-time geometry, and an excluded point that represents the singularity - nothing that can really be called matter. But it is the interaction of the two space-time geometries that is studied in this case.
We know a lot about the GW's emitted by binary inspirals, they have been studied in detail, so I will try to describe the three phases of what happens during such an inspiral. Black-hole black-hole inspirals are one case, neutron star-black hole inspirals have also been studied, I believe. The later does contain matter, so it applies to your question.
The first part of the inspiral can be handled by post-netwonian approximations to GR analytically. During this phase, as the inspiraling black holes get closer and closer, the gravitational wave emission increases as the two black holes orbit each other closer and closer , faster and faster. This generates a characteristic chirp, the amplitude and frequency both increase with time.
The second part requires numerical simulation of the strong field Einstein equations. This is very numerically intensive.
The third part involves the ring-down of the black hole. This ringdown phenomenon is also expected if matter falls into a bh. The infalling matter "excites" the space-time around the black hole. Even after coalescence is regarded to have occurred (and I'm not quite sure white criteria / coordinates are used to determine "before" and "after" in this contex), the ringdown emits gravitational waves.
I suspect this is the key part of your question, unfortunately I don't have an answer to it. Conceptually, the simulations wind up describing a four dimensional space-time geometry that represent the entire process, using, for instance, the "block universe" philosophy. Separation of the 4-d geometry into "before" and "after" is a matter of choice, and the choice is made for convenience, which in this case is efficiency of the calculation process.
It is reasonably likely that the notion that simultaneity, "before and after", depends on human choices and is not dictated by physics may not be familiar to you. This comes out of special relativity, and is known as "the relativity of simultaneity". In fact, the relativity of simultaneity is one of the key stumbling blocks for a lot of people when learning SR. This post is already too long to go into more details about the topic, so I'll simply point out it's existence. There have been many threads on this topic, and I'm sure there will be many more.
Because of the relativity of simultanetiy, splitting up this 4d geoemtry into spatial slices that has a "before" and an "after" requires some conventions as to how to do this. These conventions are not physics, they're just a way of organizing our thinking in familiar terms. Pragmatically, the choices made are just the ones that make the computations reasonably efficient. But I don't know any details.
A description recapping the three phases of the merger can be found in wiki, and a number of papers. Wiki is probably a good starting point.
https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Binary_black_hole&oldid=920102125