Science Humor: A Wide Selection

[jimmy p]

Following questions and answers were collated from British GCSE
exams(16 year olds)!

Geography
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like
umbrellas.

English
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its
meaning.
A : Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A : Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Technology
Q : What is a turbine?
A : Something an Arab wears on his head.

Religious Education
Q: What is a Hindu?
A : It lays eggs.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

The more success the quantum theory has, the sillier it looks.
-Albert Einstein to Heinrich Zangger (May 20, 1912)

 

[Monique]

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the
turkey.
Moral of the story: Bull**** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

 

[Monique]

"A bloke walks into a pub, and asks for a pint of Adenosinetriphosphate.
The barman says "That'll be 80p please!"

Think about that one for a while

 

[Monique]

A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.

First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.

The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate."
The Biologists conclusion: "They have reproduced".
The Mathematician: "If now exactly 1 person enters the house then it will be empty again."

 

[jimmy p]

Originally posted by Monique
"A bloke walks into a pub, and asks for a pint of Adenosinetriphosphate.
The barman says "That'll be 80p please!"

Think about that one for a while

That is TERRIBLE Monique

 

[jimmy p]

chemistry jokes.

A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?" "You mean Aspirin?" asked the pharmacist.

"That's it, I can never remember that word."



A physicist, a biologist and a chemist go to the beach for the first time. The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves, and walked into the ocean. The physicist was drowned and never returned. The Biologist said he wanted to research the flora and fauna of the ocean, and walked into the ocean. Likewise he was drowned and never returned. The chemist waited by the ocean side for a long time, before finally removing his notepad and writing the observation "Both Physicists and Biologists are soluble in water."



A Chemical is a substance that:

*An organic chemist turns into a foul odour.

*An analytical chemist turns into a procedure.

*A physical chemist turns into a straight line.

*A biochemist turns into a helix.

*A chemical engineer turns into a profit.




Classification of Chemistry:

*Physical Chemistry - The pitiful attempt to apply "y=mx+c" to everything in the universe.

*Organic Chemistry - The practice of transmutation of vile substances into publications.

*Inorganic Chemistry - That which is left after the organic, analytical and physical chemists get through picking over the periodic table.

*Chemical Engineering - The practice of doing for profit what an organic chemist does for fun.

*Organic Chemistry - The study of carbon compounds.

*Biochemistry - The study of carbon compounds that wiggle.




Experiments should be reproducible - They should fail the same way every time.

Activation energy - The useful quantity of energy available in one cup of coffee.

To most people solutions mean finding the answers; but to chemists, solutions are things that are still all mixed up.

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate!

Free radicals have revolutionalised chemistry.

A Physical Chemist is a student who goes to university thinking he might want to be a physicist; but gets intimidated by the maths.



Chemists last words:

*And now the tasting test...

*And now shake a bit...

*In which glass was my mineral water?

*Why does that stuff burn with a green flame??

*And now the detonating gas problem...

*This is a completely safe experimental set up.

*Now you can take the protection window away...

 

[Mattius_]

"A bloke walks into a pub, and asks for a pint of Adenosinetriphosphate.The barman says "That'll be 80p please!"

Ok, i know what ATP is, but i still don't get it!

 

[jammieg]

In theory the Neadrathal died out because their brains grew too big and they said, "dammit women we don't need a penthouse and cars and flying saucers, this cave is all we will ever need and more meat!" and so most died out except for the few with the best nagging wives.

 

[Greg Bernhardt]

Add your science jokes here:
http://www.jokerslounge.com

 

[Imparcticle]

Originally posted by Monique
"A bloke walks into a pub, and asks for a pint of Adenosinetriphosphate.
The barman says "That'll be 80p please!"

Think about that one for a while

I don't get it.[b(]

 

[Brad_Ad23]

Originally posted by SquareItSalamander
I don't get it.[b(]

Think about it. 80p. Eighty-p. eighdy-p. A-D-P.

 

[jimmy p]

or ATP as it is known as (AdenosineTriPhosphate)

 

[Brad_Ad23]

I think the joke makes more sense if the bartender asks for the ADP version, since he is giving out ATP.[?]

 

[kuengb]

Shortest mathematics joke:
\varepsilon < 0
with the even more excessive versions
\varepsilon \ll 0
and
\varepsilon \rightarrow - \infty

[?] [?] [?] Probably only a few will laugh, but those who do are really worth it!

 

[DrMatrix]

A constant function and an exponential are walking down the street. Up ahead, they see a differential operator coming their way. The constant function says, "Oh man, I got to run. That's a differential operatior and it can turn me into nothing." The constant function runs away, but not the exponential function. Unafraid, it walks right up to the differential operator and says, "Hello there, differential operator, I'm e^x." The differential operator says, "Pleased to meet you, e^x. I'm d/dz."

 

[ElectroPhysics]

If an engineer walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it on the fire and puts it out.

If a physicist walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it eloquently around the fire and let's the fire put itself out.

If a mathematician walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he convinces himself there is a solution and leaves.

 

[enigma]

A large diplomatic delegation from Poland gets on a plane to go to a UN conference. The plane takes off normally, and everything seems fine during takeoff. Five minutes into the flight, however, the plane starts flying erratically, inverts, and crashes killing everyone onboard. The investigators analyzing the crash are dumbfounded since everything seemed to be in order with the aircraft. Eventually, they bring the problem to a contol engineer who immediately recognizes the problem: "It's simple really... you had poles in the right half of the plane!"

... let's see how many get it.

 

[enigma]

A constant function and an exponential are walking down the street. Up ahead, they see a differential operator coming their way. The constant function says, "Oh man, I got to run. That's a differential operatior and it can turn me into nothing." The constant function runs away, but not the exponential function. Unafraid, it walks right up to the differential operator and says, "Hello there, differential operator, I'm e^x." The differential operator says, "Pleased to meet you, e^x. I'm d/dz."

I don't get this one, and I didn't get the math party one... I'm sure its a pun of some sort, but it's escaping me.

 

[jimmy p]

very funny enigma, i had to re-read it just to make sure i was laughing at the right thing though!

 

[Njorl]

A large diplomatic delegation from Poland gets on a plane to go to a UN conference. The plane takes off normally, and everything seems fine during takeoff. Five minutes into the flight, however, the plane starts flying erratically, inverts, and crashes killing everyone onboard. The investigators analyzing the crash are dumbfounded since everything seemed to be in order with the aircraft. Eventually, they bring the problem to a contol engineer who immediately recognizes the problem: "It's simple really... you had poles in the right half of the plane!"

... let's see how many get it.

Even if they had worked around the poles, I'm sure there would have been nothing left but sum residue.

Njorl

 

[DrMatrix]

I don't get this one, and I didn't get the math party one... I'm sure its a pun of some sort, but it's escaping me.

Nope not a pun. e^x. is a constant function as far as a function of z is concerned.

 

[enigma]

Ah. So it wasn't funny.

 

[DrMatrix]

Tough crowd.

 

[kuengb]

A mathematician and an engineer are asked how they would make tea when all their cups were dirty. Engineer says: "I would clean the cups, then boil water and so on", mathematician says the same.
Afterwards they're asked again how to make tea, but with clean cups this time. Engineer says: "Hm? Well, I'd just boil water, throw tea leaves in, that's it." The mathematician says: "I would first dirty the cups and then apply solution 1."

 

[Imparcticle]

Perspectives of the world:

Optomist- the glass is half full.
pessimist- the glass is half empty.
fatalist-the water will evaporate.
existentialist- the glass is.
feminist- all glasses are equal.
narcissist-look at me in the water!
polygamist-the more glasses the merrier.
evangelist-the glass must repent.
socialist-share the glass.
capitalist-sell the glass.
anarchist- break the glass.
psychologist- How does the water feel about the glass?

 

[Imparcticle]

Shortest mathematics joke:
\varepsilon < 0
with the even more excessive versions
\varepsilon \ll 0
and
\varepsilon \rightarrow - \infty

[?] [?] [?] Probably only a few will laugh, but those who do are really worth it!

what does that mean?

 

[quddusaliquddus]

True story (from m8's school):

A kid @ GCSE Maths exam goes in gets on scribbling his answers down furiously.
The thing is though, he's answering the formulae-book that comes along with the question paper!

Do you know how he found out? Nearing the end of the exam he puts his hand up and calls one of the teachers over to him. He whispers to the teacher "...I'm stuck with this question...can u help?..."

 

[meteor]

This is a salesman that is in the train station and see that Einstein is there with a clock in his hand. Then the salesman thinks: Ah, so Einstein must have been doing some of the experiments that he explains in his books, those that try to demonstrate the constancy of c by measuring how it travels from the front to the back of a wagon and such.
Out of curiosity, the salesman goes to meet Einstein, and finds that he is very upset. The salesman asks to him: Hi, sir, have you been able to measure the length contraction of trains in your experiment?
Then Einstein answers: No, I had all prepared and was going to perform the experiment, but suddenly a lightning has fallen on the clock and now the damned doesn't work

 

[Matt-235]

Since this also seems to be a good place for bad math jokes and the like, remember that \frac{sin x}{n} = 6