Science Humor: A Wide Selection

[Megus]

I think nobody has mentioned it yet:

www.physlink.com - some jokes (even good) can be found

P.S. Probably everyone knows this site and I'm just making idiot of myself at the moment

 

[Njorl]

Since this also seems to be a good place for bad math jokes and the like, remember that \frac{sin x}{n} = 6

It took me a depressingly long time to get this

Njorl

 

[Megus]

It took me a depressingly long time to get this

Njorl

I still can't get it - can I please explanation

 

[jimmy p]

its a silly little thing. If you remove the 'n' from sinx then you are left with 'six'. I had to do a double take when i read it.

 

[Gokul43201]

Heisenberg is racing down the autobahn, when a cop pulls him over for speeding.

"Do you know how fast you were driving, Sir ?", the cop asks him.

Heisenberg replies, "No, but I know where I am."

 

[Ivan Seeking]

I used to drive a Heisenberg. They came with either a speedometer or an odometer.

 

[kuengb]

I used to drive a Heisenberg. They came with either a speedometer or an odometer.

And with either a watch or a fuelmeter.

 

[Gokul43201]

Graffiti in a classroom used for a college calculus class :

" 1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1 "

 

[Imparcticle]

You Might be a Physics Major...
...if you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.

...if you enjoy pain.

...if you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.

...if you chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."

...if you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.

...if when you look in a mirror, you see a physics major.

...if it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.

...if you frequently whistle the theme song to "The X-Files."

...if you always do homework on Saturday nights.

...if you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.

...if you think in "math."

...if you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges.

...if you hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function.

...if you have a pet named after a scientist.

...if you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.

...if the Humane society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrodinger's Cat experiment.

...if you can translate English into Binary.

...if you can't remember what's behind the door in the science building which says "Exit."

...if you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab.

...if you are completely addicted to caffeine.

...if you avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.

...if you consider ANY non-science course "easy."

...if when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.

...if the "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.

...if you'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.

...if you understood more than five of these indicators.

….if you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.

 

[fbsthreads]

this page has some good ones

http://www.juliantrubin.com/physicsjokes.html

i particularly like:

When a snail crossed the road, he was run over by a turtle. Regaining consciousness in the emergency room, he was asked what caused the accident. "I really can't remember," the snail replied. "You see, it all happened so fast."

------------------------

Rene Descartes sits down for lunch at a Parisian restaurant. The waitress asks for his order. He orders a hamburger.
The waitress inquires, "Would you like fries with that? " Descartes says, "I think not," ...and instantly disappears.

-----------------------------

Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg says, "No, but I know where I am."


-----------------

 

[BobG]

36 squared? The sum of (x + y + z) squared, of course.

I remember a story my dad used to tell at parties about a salesman and a mathematician riding next to each other on a train.

They passed a stockyard filled with cattle and the salesman exclaimed, “Wow, I’ve never seen so many cows in all my life! There must be thousands in that stockyard!”.

The mathematician turns to him and says, “Actually, there’s 7,458 cows in that stockyard.”

“How’d you count all of those cows, so fast?”, the salesman asked.

“Easy, I counted their legs and divided by 4”, replied the mathematician.

My dad was a little hard to read, since he always had such a serious look on his face no matter what, so people would look at him a little uncertain for a second, and finally reply, “Oh, that’s clever.” I guess that works whether he’s showing them a clever method of counting cows or telling them a really joke.

Well, me, I’m a just a kid, at the time. If the adults at the party can’t tell if he’s serious or joking, how am I supposed to tell. I had a tendency to repeat things like that around the neighborhood thinking I was showing off how smart I was. Which other kids in the neighborhood were quick sense was total rubbish.

And, hence the great cow counting challenge was staged. Unfortunately, we lived in the city. The only cow in the neighborhood was the picture of Elsie on the billboard outside the Borden dairy plant. No matter.

The smart-aleck girl from next door and I met (with the proper witnesses) down by the billboard ready to settle the best way of counting cows.

The kind of cute (in an intellectual sort of way) girl with the glasses from down the street yelled, “Go!”

Almost instantly, both of us contestants finished counting Elsie, with the smart aleck girl screaming “One!” just a thousandth of a second after I shouted “Zero!”

You see, the billboard only showed Elsie’s head, so there were no legs to count. And I ask you, who was closest to the right answer? What’s the purpose of a cow if not to give beef or milk and how can you get a steak from just a cow’s head. And how are you going to get milk from Elsie's head? Tell her jokes til milk comes out her nose? I’m thinking that’s going to take awhile, especially if all’s you know are math jokes.

 

[Njorl]

Two physicists are flying in their hot air balloon and get lost. They drift low to the ground and see a man. One shouts out, "Where are we?" to which the man on the ground responds, "You're in a balloon."

The other physicist then asks, "Are you a mathematician?", to which the man on the ground answrs "Yes."

As they float off, the first physicist asks, "How did you know he was a mathematician?". The other responds, "Well, he was completely accurate, and completely useless."

Njorl

 

[Imparcticle]

Physics songs anyone?
http://www.dctech.com/physics/humor/songs.php#solong
The first song is by Feyman!

Other jokes from: http://www.physlink.com/Fun/Jokes.cfm

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?

To get to the same side. (credit: Tom Gregg)


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Why did the chicken cross the road?

Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads. (credit: Muhammad Ahmed)


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A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, 'How much for a beer?' The bartender looks at him, and says 'For you, no charge.'


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Two fermions walk into a bar. One orders a drink. The other says 'I'll have what he's having.' (credit: Jeff Nastasi)


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Two atoms bump into each other. One says 'I think I lost an electron!' The other asks, 'Are you sure?', to which the first replies, 'I'm positive.'


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Renee Descartes walks into a bar, the bartender says 'sir can I get you a martini 'Descartes says 'I don't think...' and he disappears (credit: OCROWLEY101)


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Where does bad light end up? Answer: In a prism! (credit: Gary Lisica)


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Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says 'Do you know how fast you were going?' Heisenberg says 'No, but I know where I am.'


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W hy did the chicken cross the road? Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends on your frame of reference.


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There is this farmer who is having problems with his chickens. All of the sudden, they are all getting very sick and he doesn't know what is wrong with them. After trying all conventional means, he calls a biologist, a chemist, and a physicist to see if they can figure out what is wrong. So the biologist looks at the chickens, examines them a bit, and says he has no clue what could be wrong with them. Then the chemist takes some tests and makes some measurements, but he can't come to any conclusions either. So the physicist tries. He stands there and looks at the chickens for a long time without touching them or anything. Then all of the sudden he starts scribbling away in a notebook. Finally, after several gruesome calculations, he exclaims, 'I've got it! But it only works for spherical chickens in a vacuum.'

 

[jimmy p]

A science graduate asks: "Why does it work?"

An engineering graduate asks: "How does it work?"

An accounting graduate asks: "How much does it cost?"

An arts graduate asks: "Do you want fries with that?"

 

[Gokul43201]

A hardware guy, a software guy and a sales rep of a big computer company are driving to a meeting, when the car suddenly stops. The software guy suggests that they shut down and restart, 'cause that usually fixes the problem. The hardware guy suggests they swap drivers. The sales rep decides that it's time to buy a new car.

A passing Linux programmer see the trouble and smashes all the glass in the car with his baseball bat. Before the stunned passengers can react he asks the driver to try starting the car again. The car starts up just fine this time.

Moral : "Just get rid of Windows, and you'll be okay"

 

[The Bob]

There is a computer engineer, a psychologist and a genetic engineer in a room arguing about which occupation came first. The genetic engineer says 'I must have come first because God took a rib from Adam and made Eve and that takes genetics so God was a genetic engineer and I, therfore, came first'. The psychologist says 'No you are wrong. I came first because God took the world from chaos to peace and so God was a psychologist and so I came first'. The computer engineer just sits back smug with a grin on his face. 'Ahhh yes', he says,' Good points. But where go you think the chaos came from!'

The Bob (2004 ©)

 

[The Bob]

There is a class room full of Alkali Metal ions being taught chemistry. Then outside the window a group of Halogen ions appear. The Alkali Metal ions go mad and bounce of the walls and the window. The teachers comment is 'Perhaps one of you gentlemen would mind telling me just what it is outside the window that you find so attractive...?'

There should be a picture here as well.

Took me ages to stop laughing after seeing it. I had only just learned about ionic bonding when I found it.

The Bob (2004 ©)

 

[The Bob]

Quick limerick for you:

There once was a lady called bright,
Who's speed was faster than light,
She left one day,
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night.

Got it from a program on BBC 1 about Stephen Hawking. The actor said it was by Elly Merich.

The Bob (2004 ©)

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Question posed to a biologist:
What is the evolutionary advantage in having knees that bend forward instead of backwards…i.e. why don’t our knees bend the other way?
Answer:
“Bipedal animals that had backward-bending knees could only run backwards and they kept bumping into trees. That's why they became extinct.”

 

[Gokul43201]

Not a science joke but nevertheless, here goes :

How do we know that Jesus was not born in the US ?











No one's been able to find 3 wise men, or a virgin !

 

[Monique]

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline

and asked what his future holds.

His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him:

"You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who

will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled, "This is great!

"Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.

"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."

 

[Monique]

If it's NOT one thing, it's another

Your protein has NOT denaturated,
it is simply structurally ambivalent.
Your DNA has NOT degraded,
it is entropically exhuberant.
Your enzyme is NOT aggregated,
it is monomerically challenged.
Your peptide has NOT precipitated on the column,
it is merely elution reticent.
Your column resin is NOT compacting,
it is being spatially frugal.
Your BamHI does NOT have star activity,
it is simply expressing its individuality.
Your PCR products are NOT all mutant,
they are just indulging in unscheduled evolution.
Your tissue culture is NOT contaminated,
it is simply sharing living quarters.
Your computer has NOT crashed,
it is merely being introspective.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Going back to the ole Y2K computer fiasco...

When the IT department met with management and foretold of imminent disaster with the Y2K roll over, management instructed IT to handle the situation in the same manner as was the Y1K problem.

 

[Flying Penguin]

On a solid red bumper sticker: If this sticker is blue, you're driving too fast.

 

[humanino]

My favorite math teacher was once asked to give answers to his exercises, because people found them too difficult. He replied :
"Math is like love. You cannot make it by procuration"

 

[BobG]

My favorite math teacher was once asked to give answers to his exercises, because people found them too difficult. He replied :
"Math is like love. You cannot make it by procuration"

John Smith did.

Well, at least he tried. I guess Pocahontas wasn't too impressed by the whole thing, though.

 

[humanino]

Thanks BobG ! My teacher did not seem to pretend it was his own.

 

[humanino]

Since I saw Linux lover on this forum, I suppose some of you even use vi ! vi rules !

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After reading about a poor wretch who had become addicted to vi, I was inspired to compose the following ditty, sung to the tune of "Addicted To Love" by Robert Palmer.

As you sing this, it may help the effect to imagine a dozen women, all of whom resemble Bill Joy, dressed in black and dancing sinuously.

Addicted To Vi (with apologies to Robert Palmer)

You press the keys with no effect,
Your mode is not correct.
The screen blurs, your fingers shake;
You forgot to press escape.
Can't insert, can't delete,
Cursor keys won't repeat.
You try to quit, but can't leave,
An extra "bang" is all you need.

You think it's neat to type an "a" or an "i"-- Oh yeah? You won't look at emacs, no you'd just rather die You know you're going to have to face it; You're addicted to vi!

You edit files one at a time; That doesn't seem too out of line? You don't think of keys to bind-- A meta key would blow your mind. H, J, K, L? You're not annoyed? Expressions must be a Joy! Just press "f," or is it "t"? Maybe "n," or just "g"?

Oh--You think it's neat to type an "a" or an "i"-- Oh yeah? You won't look at emacs, no you'd just rather die You know you're going to have to face it; You're addicted to vi!

Might as well face it, You're addicted to vi!

You press the keys without effect, Your life is now a wreck. What a waste! Such a shame! And all you have is vi to blame.

Oh--You think it's neat to type an "a" or an "i"-- Oh yeah? You won't look at emacs, no you'd just rather die You know you're going to have to face it; You're addicted to vi!

Might as well face it, You're addicted to vi!


Copyright 1989, by Chuck Musciano.

 

[humanino]

Count the number of yeses, subtract from 60, and divide by 0.6.

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The Basics

1) Have you ever been excited about math?
2) Had an exciting dream about math?
3) Made a mathematical calculation?
4) Manipulated the numerator of an equation?
5) Manipulated the denominator of an equation?
6) On your first problem set?
7) Worked on a problem set past 3:00 a.m.?
8) Worked on a problem set all night?
9) Had a hard problem?
10) Worked on a problem continuously for more than 30 minutes?
11) Worked on a problem continuously for more than four hours?
12) Done more than one problem set on the same night (i.e. both
started and finished them)?
13) Done more than three problem sets on the same night?
14) Taken a math course for a full year?
15) Taken two different math courses at the same time?
16) Done at least one problem set a week for more than four months?
17) Done at least one problem set a night for more than one month
(weekends excluded)?
18) Done a problem set alone?
19) Done a problem set in a group of three or more?
20) Done a problem set in a group of 15 or more?
21) Was it mixed company?
22) Have you ever inadvertently walked in upon people doing
a problem set?
23) And joined in afterwards?
24) Have you ever used food doing a problem set?
25) Did you eat it all?
26) Have you ever had a domesticated pet or animal walk over
you while you were doing a problem set?
27) Done a problem set in a public place where you might be discovered?
28) Been discovered while doing a problem set?

Kinky Stuff

29) Have you ever applied your math to a hard science?
30) Applied your math to a soft science?
31) Done an integration by parts?
32) Done two integration by parts in a single problem?
33) Bounded the domain and range of your function?
34) Used the domination test for improper integrals?
35) Done Newton's Method?
36) Done the Method of Frobenius?
37) Used the Sandwich Theorem?
38) Used the Mean Value Theorem?
39) Used a Gaussian surface?
40) Used a foreign object on a math problem (eg: calculator)?
41) Used a program to improve your mathematical technique (eg: MACSYMA)?
42) Not used brackets when you should have?
43) Integrated a function over its full period?
44) Done a calculation in three-dimensional space?
45) Done a calculation in n-dimensional space?
46) Done a change of bases?
47) Done a change of bases specifically in order to magnify your vector?
48) Worked through four complete bases in a single night (eg: using the Gram-Schmidt method)?
49) Inserted a number into an equation?
50) Calculated the residue of a pole?
51) Scored perfectly on a math test?
52) Swallowed everything your professor gave you?
53) Used explicit notation in your problem set?
54) Purposefully omitted important steps in your problem set?
55) Padded your own problem set?
56) Been blown away on a test?
57) Blown away your professor on a test?
58) Have you ever multiplied 23 by 3?
59) Have you ever bounded your Bessel function so that the membrane did not shoot to infinity?

69) Have you ever understood the following quote: "The relationship between Z^0 to C_0, B_0, and H_0 is an example of a general principle which we have encountered: the kernel of the adjoint of a linear transformation is both the annihilator space of the image of the transformation and also the dual space of the quotient of the space of which the image is a subspace by the image subspace." (Shlomo & Bamberg's A "Course" in Mathematics for Students of Physics)

 

[humanino]

Wanted

$10,000 reward.

Schroedinger's Cat.

Dead or Alive