Science Humor: A Wide Selection

[BigBang]

A supervisor visited an 8th grade class...he wrote the word electricity on the board and asked a student to define it.
Student:electrikity is the flow of electrons in a circuit.
Supervisor:it's not''electrikity'' it's electricity
Student:that's what I'm saying sir,my dad taught that to me
electrikity
The supervisor got enough of this and told the student to fetch his father.
the student brought his father to the school and the supervisor told the student's father that the boy doesn't pronounce electricity correctly
Father:well,sir, he is a small boy and the capakity of his mind is less...don't you worry sir,when he grows up it'll be O.K.
The supervisor was very much shocked to hear the father say capakityinstead of capacity.He asked the student if there was anyone else at his home and the boy brightly replied that his grand pa is there.The supervisor told the boy to fetch his grandpa.
When the boy's grandpa came to the school the supervisor told him about the both saying electrikity rather than electricity and his father saying capakity rather than capacity
Then the boys grandpa chuckled and replied:Well, i don't blame them ...everyone might have noticed that but why are you making such a big publikity of it?

 

[LENIN]

1.A historyan and a biologist are walking in the park and the historyan seas to the biologist: "What do you tink this houndret year old mapel trees would say if they could talk?" And the biologist answers: "They'd say :"We are oak's."."

2. A proffesor is giving a lectoure on thruth in science, when he notices that a student in the back raw is sleeping. So he asks him: "Could you pleas tell me what thruth is." The student doesent want ta admit that he was sleeping so he answers: "I'm sorry a knew the answer but I can't remeber it rght now." When the proffesor hears this he turns to the reast of the students and seas: "This is one of the seadest things that ever hapend to mankind, the only person who ever knew the answer forgot it."

3. 2 students are taking there final oral exams at a USSR university. The firs one enters the room and is asked a few questions that he answers corectly. But then just before he leavs the proffesor for marxism ask him what the time is. He looks down on his arm and seas it's 7 am. The proffesor for marxism the seas: "Sorry you feiled your excam the corect answer is: "Thanks to Marx,Stalin and Lenin the time is 7 AM.". The student goes out of the room and tells his friend about the catch. The other student goes in and answers all the regula question corectlly. But as he is about to leav he is also asked what time it is by the proffesor for marxisem. So he quicley seas: "Thanks to Marx, Stalin and Lenin" then looks down on his arm and adds: "I don't have a watch."

 

[Ivan Seeking]

True story:

Morning news: Tylenol and other pain relievers may cause hypertension in women.

Evening news: The morning news caused many women to become alarmed!

This goes back to my hypothesis that the latest news on health studies is bad for your health.

 

[AntonioChrist]

Retort

After that last one it is open season.

See if you can find one worse then this:

To celebrate Halloween, all the math teachers and professors got together for a big costume party. Each dressed up as their favorite math function. One particularly mean and eccentric math professor dressed up as the derivative. He ran up to the teacher dressed as cos(x) and yelled "I derive you!" The teacher tore off his costume and scurried off looking for a -sin(x) costume. The prof ran up to another teacher who was dressed as 4x^5 and yelled "I derive you!" The teacher tore off his costume and went scurrying off, looking for a 20x^4 costume. The prof ran up to a 3rd teacher and screamed "I derive you!" The teacher just stood there with his arms crossed. "Didn't you hear me?! I DERIVE YOU!" he shouted. Again, the teacher stood there, but with a smug expression on his face. "I derive you! I derive you! I derive you!" the professor shouted while jumping up and down. The teacher looked at him and said "derive me all you want. I'm e^x."

Yeah pretty bad joke, do you tell the girls your chatting up at the bar that one...im sure there's a few scratching heads when you do. I thought the banta between you and the med student was funny, do you think they were genuinely offended or just thought that they were funny being so?

 

[AntonioChrist]

Retort

1.A historyan and a biologist are walking in the park and the historyan seas to the biologist: "What do you tink this houndret year old mapel trees would say if they could talk?" And the biologist answers: "They'd say :"We are oak's."."

2. A proffesor is giving a lectoure on thruth in science, when he notices that a student in the back raw is sleeping. So he asks him: "Could you pleas tell me what thruth is." The student doesent want ta admit that he was sleeping so he answers: "I'm sorry a knew the answer but I can't remeber it rght now." When the proffesor hears this he turns to the reast of the students and seas: "This is one of the seadest things that ever hapend to mankind, the only person who ever knew the answer forgot it."

3. 2 students are taking there final oral exams at a USSR university. The firs one enters the room and is asked a few questions that he answers corectly. But then just before he leavs the proffesor for marxism ask him what the time is. He looks down on his arm and seas it's 7 am. The proffesor for marxism the seas: "Sorry you feiled your excam the corect answer is: "Thanks to Marx,Stalin and Lenin the time is 7 AM.". The student goes out of the room and tells his friend about the catch. The other student goes in and answers all the regula question corectlly. But as he is about to leav he is also asked what time it is by the proffesor for marxisem. So he quicley seas: "Thanks to Marx, Stalin and Lenin" then looks down on his arm and adds: "I don't have a watch."

The first two were funny, last one was a bit crap though, also, don't know whether its diliberate or not but your spelling and grammer is atroshous. Sort it out dude there's even a spell check, thanks to...the dictionary!LOL!

 

[gerben]

I am sorry, this is not a science joke, but I would like to direct you to some grammar and spelling mistakes:

The first two were funny, last one was a bit crap though, also, dont know whether its diliberate or not but your spelling and grammer is atroshous. Sort it out dude theres even a spell check, thanks to...the dictionary!LOL!
____________________________
The first two were funny, the last one was a bit crap though, also, I don't know whether it's deliberate or not but your spelling and grammar are atrocious. Sort it out dude there's even a spell check...

 

[rocketboy]

I am sorry, this is not a science joke, but I would like to direct you to some grammar and spelling mistakes:

It may not be a joke but it made me laugh!

 

[Learning Curve]

A room of high school seniors are taking their SAT with the examiner. A bell rings and the examiner says "Time's up! Bring your tests to the front of the class on my desk and you can go." All but one student does as he's told and they stack their tests in a pile. The one student left takes 30 extra minutes to finish his section. The examiner doesn't stop him because he knows he will just have to rip up his test. Once the student is done, he walks up to the desk, and the examiner says "Oh, I'm sorry, the test was over when I said it was."

The student replies "Do you have any idea who I am?"
The examiner replies happily " No."
"Good", as the student stuffs his paper into the middle of the stack, unrecognizable from any of the other tests.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

True story:

Morning news: Tylenol and other pain relievers may cause hypertension in women.

Evening news: The morning news caused many women to become alarmed!

This goes back to my hypothesis that the latest news on health studies is bad for your health.

The same joke today on, I think it was 60 Minutes. In response to this study
https://www.physicsforums.com/showthread.php?p=725212#post725212

one psychologist stated, "people should be alarmed about the news on stress!"

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Here are a couple of great ones from the CT and X-Ray crowd

A long time ago there was a paper passed around among radiologists; apparently written in a serious manner, the report came complete with CT images showing four bodies all scanned simultaneously in a very large CT scanner. Since the technology can measure density variations radially, it was argued, there is no reason that scans must be limited to one body. So the new Quadrature scanner was being introduced along with the special stacking beds [or whatever] that would be needed to position two three, or all four patients. I don't remember the exactly play on words, but "QUACK" was the resulting acronym for this new CT technology.

Then there was the guy with the broken penis bone. I arrived at a hospital only to be met by the X-Ray crew who were holding a scan of a broken penis bone. They called me over to look with great excitement, so to speak, and pointed, "check it out, this guy was going at it so hard that he broke the bone in his penis!" Now, I knew this didn't seem possible, I mean, what bone?! But there is was right in front of me.

So as to make a long story short, it is an old favorite for X-Ray students that requires nothing more than a little Playdough and a broken chicken bone.

 

[JamesU]

Wanted

$10,000 reward.

Schroedinger's Cat.

Dead or Alive

and it's schrödinger

 

[cefarix]

A Chemical Analysis Of An Element Called Woman:
Element: woman

Symbol: Wo

Discoverer: Adam

Atomic Weight: Accepted as 118lbs but is known to vary from 100 to 160 lbs

Occurrence: Surplus quantities in all urban areas.

Physical Properties:
1] surface usually covered in painted film,
2] boil at nothing, freeze without reason,
3] melt if given proper treatment,
4] bitter if used incorrectly,
5] found in various states, ranging from virgin metal, to common ore.

Chemical Properties:
1] poses great affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stone,
2] able to absorb great quantities of expensive substances,
3] may explode spontaneously if left alone with an opposite species most of them any way,
4] insoluble in liquid but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol,
5] yields to pressure applied to correct points.

Uses:
1] highly ornamental, especially in sports cars,
2] MOST POWERFUL MONEY-REDUCING AGENT known,
3] can be a great aid to relaxation.

Test:
1] pure specimen turns a rosy tint if discovered in a natural state,
2] turns green if placed beside a better specimen,
3] leave the reactants horny for a while,

Caution:
1] highly dangerous except in experienced hand,
2] illegal to possesses more than one except in certain area (Utah,etc)

 

[cefarix]

Some "You know you're a physicist when..." lines that I can relate to:

If you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator. (almost)
If it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer. (like right now)
If you always do homework on Friday nights. (all assignments within last 2 days)
If you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
If you can translate English into binary. (ive sent messages coded in hex, binary, octal, and base-26)
If you are completely addicted to caffeine. (not yet, but going there...)
If you consider ANY non-science course as easy. (except economics)
If you understood more than five of these indicators.
If you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door. (been there, done that)

 

[JamesU]

5] found in various states, ranging from virgin metal, to common ore.

 

[gurkhawarhorse]

common ore

 

[hypatia]

Two hydrogen atoms bumped into each other recently.
One said: "Why do you look so sad?"
The other responded: "I lost an electron."
Concerned, One asked "Are you sure?"
The other replied "I'm positive."

 

[Lisa!]

(I don't know if someone posted before, so I post it anyway)




Break-ups: by college major:

PSYCHOLOGY
Girl accuses guy of just using her as a substitute for his Mother.

SOCIOLOGY
Each claims to have been oppressed in the relationship.

ARCHAEOLOGY
One tried to bury the past, and accuses the other of trying to dig it up.

THEATER
"OH! Life is... ENDED... as we KNOW it!"

BIOLOGY
"You just wanted to get in my genes!"

PHYSICS
Both resign themselves to the fact that what goes up must come down.

JOURNALISM
"Today was the end of an era. Jack, 19, and Jill, 18, called an end to their relatonship of 2 weeks..."

WOMAN'S STUDIES
"HE did it!"


BUSINESS
Both decide that they're spending way too much money together, and that it's simply cheaper to be single.

HISTORY
Each party argues the breakup was caused by something the other party did in the past.

GEOGRAPHY
Both people decide to simply move far away to avoid each other.

ANATOMY
"I never liked your bdy anyway."

ECONOMICS
One party demands more than the other can supply.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

In spite of claims made by paleontologists, physicists insist that mass extinctions would violate the laws of physics.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

I just saw on the History channel that during WWII the Japanese "recruited" college students to serve as Kamikaze pilots. However, science students were considered to be too valuable to lose, so they were allowed to stay in school.

Once again we see that if you wish to avoid serving as a Kamikaze, you must study science.

 

[ZapperZ]

Physics on the farm

This is a rather OLD one, but in case someone here hasn't seen it, here it is:

http://img409.imageshack.us/img409/8381/muon4wt.jpg

If you have to ask, it's no longer funny.

:)

Zz.

 

[Joel]

Understanding scientific articles:

"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN..." = I haven't bothered to look up the original reference

"...OF GREAT THEORETICAL AND PRACTICAL IMPORTANCE" = Interesting to me

"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THESE QUESTIONS..." = The experiments didn't work out, but I figure I could get publicity out of it

"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY" = The results of others didn't make any sense and were ignored

"ACCIDENTALLY STAINED DURING MOUNTING" = accidentally dropped on floor

"HANDLES WITH EXTREME CARE DURING EXPERIMENTS" = not dropped on floor

"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN" = the best results are shown

"PRESUMABLY AT LONGER TIMES " = I didn't take the time to find out

"THE MOST RELIABLE VALUES ARE THOSE OF JONES" = he was a student of mine

"IT IS BELIEVED THAT..." = I think.

"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT..." = a couple of other guys think so too.

"IT MIGHT BE ARGUED THAT..." = I have such a good answer for this objection and thus shall now present it

"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRES BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING..." = I don't understand it.

"CORRECT WITTHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" = wrong.

"THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE GLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENTS AND TO JOHN DOE FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS" = Glotz did the experiments and John explained it to me.

 

[DeadWolfe]

This is a rather OLD one, but in case someone here hasn't seen it, here it is:
http://img409.imageshack.us/img409/8381/muon4wt.jpg
If you have to ask, it's no longer funny.
:)
Zz.

I don't get it.

 

[JamesU]

 

[Cosmo16]

This isn't a joke, but it is funney. Instead of doing my english HW I read all 18 pages of these jokes! And now it is 12:25. DIE FUNNEY PEOPLE

 

[recon]

A psychologist wanted to test the difference in logical thinking between engineering and mathematics majors, and for this purpose he set up an experiment in which the subjects were respectively a male Mathematics and a randy male Engineering undergraduate. He showed them into the lab. At the far end of the long, narrow room was a luscious semi-clad bimbo. His instructions were like so: "Fellas, I have in my hands a buzzer that I will sound every minute. Everytime I do that, you can walk half the distance that remains between yourself and the lady. Should you ever reach her, you will find her most accommodating. Do you wish to participate in the experimemt?"
Math major: "You don't fool me. This is the equivalent of the Zeno Paradox, so I am not wasting my time. I am going home, 'Bye." [Exeunt]

Engineering major: "Hee, hee! I am staying. I estimate that in 10 minutes, I will be close enough for all practical purposes."

 

[JamesU]

This isn't a joke, but it is funney. Instead of doing my english HW I read all 18 pages of these jokes! And now it is 12:25. DIE FUNNEY PEOPLE

haha lol 7 pages 4 me

 

[BobG]

A psychologist wanted to test the difference in logical thinking between engineering and mathematics majors, and for this purpose he set up an experiment in which the subjects were respectively a male Mathematics and a randy male Engineering undergraduate. He showed them into the lab. At the far end of the long, narrow room was a luscious semi-clad bimbo. His instructions were like so: "Fellas, I have in my hands a buzzer that I will sound every minute. Everytime I do that, you can walk half the distance that remains between yourself and the lady. Should you ever reach her, you will find her most accommodating. Do you wish to participate in the experimemt?"
Math major: "You don't fool me. This is the equivalent of the Zeno Paradox, so I am not wasting my time. I am going home, 'Bye." [Exeunt]
Engineering major: "Hee, hee! I am staying. I estimate that in 10 minutes, I will be close enough for all practical purposes."

Is this a joke or a puzzler?

Okay, I'll say the room was about 1000 feet (300 meters) long? (Assuming 10 minutes is the minimum amount of time needed, since I would think the desired distance would be a little subjective.)

 

[Cosmo16]

BobG- I'm 99.9% sure its a joke. It's basicly the same idea as the Balloon Joke as earlier. That Pure math majors are useless.

P.S. yomamma- I have passed that quote that is in your sig around to all my friends, and put it in my profile for AIM. I LOVE IT!

 

[Sephiroth 1976]

it's quite funny ^_^

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│╒─╛｜╒╗｜╚─╛│╓═╯｜╔╕｜╔─╝｜
｜╚─╗│｜╘╜╔─╗｜╚─╗│｜││｜＋　│
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╘╛　　╘╛　　╚─╛╘╰═╯╘╛╘╜╚─═╛

 

[BobG]

Not exactly a joke, but a real discussion in a Physics class:

The problem was a 250 lb weight suspended from two cables that hang at an angle 40 degrees above the horizontal. What's the tension on each cable?

Student: 10,443 slugs (or there abouts - very bizarre answer)

Professor (dryly): I think you're just a bit high.

Student: Well, we learned about drugs in Psych class today.