Solve my life changing decision Family vs Ambition

[n0_3sc]

You are borrowing THIS problem to talk for someone else, aren't you ?

lol I WISH this was the case!

 

[Pengwuino]

OK I wasn't going to comment on the actual meat of this topic but this is ridiculous. It IS selfish to just want to go off like that right now. Bottom line, how can you convince yourself it isn't? For one, you have two parents your entire life. From what it sounds like, they aren't rich and free of worry and must have sacrificed for you and your brother to be where you are now. This stupid, and yes, stupid notion that sticking around would ruin your life is ridiculous. Sticking around for a few years is NOTHING. You can still go to get your PHD in a few years if god forbid, your mother doesn't hang on for much longer. Your dream university will still be there and like a lot of people around here say to people obsessed about a 1 dream university, there's always more then 1 good university out there for you. Do you know how many people live their lives regretting things such as not being around when their parents pass on especially if it isn't a sudden event? If anything, at least take a semester off when it appears the worst is about to come.

Trust me, you're not going to be on your death bed looking back on life thinking "I'm glad I decided to do my phd a couple years earlier instead of supporting my parents in their time of need".

Then again maybe that's just me. Maybe some people are fine with not having seen their parents for years before their deaths.

 

[Gokul43201]

I guess you can see it from their point of view, but the difference between when previous generations were growing up and nowadays is that, comparatively, the UK and NZ really aren't that far away. You can get from one to the other in less than a day, and can probably get a ticket for around £600/700 if you shop around well.

1. There is probably no country further away from UK than New Zealand: they are virtually antipodes. If you dig the proverbial tunnel straight down, from Dunedin or Christchurch, you'd end up in the Bay of Biscay. The Wellington tunnel would land you just outside Madrid, but the Auckland tunnel will take you very close to Gibraltar (UK ).

2. Wow! Grad School in the UK pays well enough that you can spend over £2000 a year on travel? I had no idea. That's pretty amazing; way better than typical stipends in US grad schools.

3. To the OP: If you're worried that the UK is too far away, have you considered schools in Australia? There are some very good Physics departments in UNSW, ANU, Melbourne, Sydney and Monash (and probably at least a few more I don't know much about).

4. Also to the OP: If I were in your place, I'd go to the UK. PS: Just looked up some airfares from London to Wellington for travel in September (relatively off-season, and far enough away). I came up with rates of around $1300-$1400 (that's nearly £1000, I think, but I guess you could find better rates at a travel agent) per round trip (travel time = 28-30 hrs).

 

[Moonbear]

My parents were the overprotective type and from that, I got the fiercely independent attitude that you have.

It's funny how that works, isn't it?

It sounds like we're just confirming what no_3sc has already decided anyway. One thing that may help ease the guilt trip is that it's incredibly easy to stay in touch nowadays. It's not like ages ago when international phone calls were insanely expensive and unreliable or you had to rely on really slow mail. Set your parents up with an inexpensive webcam and an account on something like Skype before you leave, and then when you are away, you can still talk with video so you can see each other. It really isn't true that you'll never "see" them again if you don't want it to be that way.

 

[arunma]

It sounds like we're just confirming what no_3sc has already decided anyway. One thing that may help ease the guilt trip is that it's incredibly easy to stay in touch nowadays.

Not to mention that plane tickets aren't terribly expensive these days. For the equivalent of around $1000, you can fly half way around the world and back. It's not uncommon for graduate students in my department to take a month off in the summer. It's important to recognize that going overseas for grad school doesn't mean goodbye forever. Heck, I live a mere 2.5 hour drive away from my parents, and due to my laziness, there are Chinese grad students who see their parents more often than I do.

 

[Cyrus]

Not to mention that plane tickets aren't terribly expensive these days. For the equivalent of around $1000, you can fly half way around the world and back. It's not uncommon for graduate students in my department to take a month off in the summer. It's important to recognize that going overseas for grad school doesn't mean goodbye forever. Heck, I live a mere 2.5 hour drive away from my parents, and due to my laziness, there are Chinese grad students who see their parents more often than I do.

You get a month off in the summer!? We get absolutely no time off, only side projects to keep you ever more busy!

 

[cristo]

1. There is probably no country further away from UK than New Zealand: they are virtually antipodes.

I take it you didn't think that I meant the distance had _literally_ changed over the past 50 years or so!

2. Wow! Grad School in the UK pays well enough that you can spend over £2000 a year on travel? I had no idea. That's pretty amazing; way better than typical stipends in US grad schools.

I can quite comfortably live off my PhD stipend. Then, teaching during term time brings in the extra cash to pay for my holidays

PS: Just looked up some airfares from London to Wellington for travel in September (relatively off-season, and far enough away). I came up with rates of around $1300-$1400 (that's nearly £1000, I think, but I guess you could find better rates at a travel agent) per round trip (travel time = 28-30 hrs).

I can find a return from Heathrow to Wellington for £709, departing Sept 8th (or some other dates in september). Admittedly, the 28 hours is a little over a day, but still, it's doable!

 

[cristo]

You get a month off in the summer!? We get absolutely no time off, only side projects to keep you ever more busy!

According to the rules of studentships in the UK, we're allowed 8 weeks holiday. Of course, people rarely take the full lot. I can't imagine working all year round without any break!

 

[Cyrus]

According to the rules of studentships in the UK, we're allowed 8 weeks holiday. Of course, people rarely take the full lot. I can't imagine working all year round without any break!

Our "break" is when class is over and we can devote 100% of our time to research.

 

[Moonbear]

Not to mention that plane tickets aren't terribly expensive these days. For the equivalent of around $1000, you can fly half way around the world and back. It's not uncommon for graduate students in my department to take a month off in the summer. It's important to recognize that going overseas for grad school doesn't mean goodbye forever. Heck, I live a mere 2.5 hour drive away from my parents, and due to my laziness, there are Chinese grad students who see their parents more often than I do.

I went to school only 15 min from home, and my parents never saw me. Once I wasn't an undergrad getting kicked out of dorms each semester break, which forced me to go home for the breaks, I never went home again. I would even do my best to get invitations to other people's homes for holidays or volunteer to feed the animals so I had an excuse not to go home.

But, yeah, then there were the out-of-state students who would head home every break, and take long weekends during the term. The international students usually managed to scrimp and save enough to get tickets home over the winter break. They would just search around for the best deals and get their tickets whenever the fares were low.

 

[Gokul43201]

Some questions:

It IS selfish to just want to go off like that right now.

And that's a bad thing? And if it is, then is it not likewise selfish for a parent to want you to stick around by their side?

Bottom line, how can you convince yourself it isn't?

Why should you?

For one, you have two parents your entire life.

And only one of yourself, who you will have to live with your entire life. So what?

From what it sounds like, they aren't rich and free of worry and must have sacrificed for you and your brother to be where you are now.

And that's what they signed up for, when they decided to have children. If they sacrificed for you so that you would sacrifice back for them, then that's something they have taken for granted without your consent.

This stupid, and yes, stupid notion that sticking around would ruin your life is ridiculous. Sticking around for a few years is NOTHING. You can still go to get your PHD in a few years if god forbid, your mother doesn't hang on for much longer.

So if two years (or three or four or five) have come and gone but nothing's changed, you're now waiting and wishing your mother doesn't hang around much longer? Don't you see how terribly counterproductive this entire line of thinking becomes?

As a parent, would you rather that the "sacrifices" you made for your children bear fruit through your children making the most of the opportunities you have given them, or would you prefer that your children "repay" the sacrifice through their own sacrifices?

 

[JasonRox]

I'm a jerk, but your thoughtless my friend.

How is that thoughtless?

 

[Cyrus]

How is that thoughtless?

His mother has cancer and his father needs help supporting the family. Saying that they are trying to manipulate him...come on Jason. Let's be reasonable here.

Maybe his father is under a lot of stress and needs help so he can take care of his dying wife and not worry about the business at the same time. If there were ever a time to step up, it would be now. Why can't the OP tell the school he has to defer for a year because your mother has cancer?

 

[Moonbear]

And that's a bad thing? And if it is, then is it not likewise selfish for a parent to want you to stick around by their side?

At some point, everyone has to be selfish to some extent. Being selfish isn't always a bad thing...it's called looking out for yourself. Yes, I agree that his parents are also being selfish to demand he deny himself his life ambitions and an opportunity to travel abroad just to help them out.

His mother has cancer and his father needs help supporting the family. Saying that they are trying to manipulate him...come on Jason. Let's be reasonable here.

Yes, they are manipulating him. His father will ALWAYS need help supporting the family if he never let's the kids leave home. He didn't say his mother had cancer, but a lung "sickness" whatever that may be. How long should he sit around watching and waiting for her to die? If it takes a year, 5 years, 10 years, or she gets a treatment that finally let's her live, should he keep delaying living his own life? Parents don't live forever...it's natural for children to outlive their parents, so it's rather foolish to postpone living life because your parents might die.

I still have one grandmother left living...the same annoying one who has told me since I was a little child that I should visit her more because it might be the last year she's with us. I thought my grandfather was dying of cancer when I was in grad school and dropped a class so I'd have more time to spend with him. He only finally died last year. So, yeah, sitting around waiting for death to happen is no way to live.

 

[JasonRox]

At some point, everyone has to be selfish to some extent. Being selfish isn't always a bad thing...it's called looking out for yourself. Yes, I agree that his parents are also being selfish to demand he deny himself his life ambitions and an opportunity to travel abroad just to help them out.



Yes, they are manipulating him. His father will ALWAYS need help supporting the family if he never let's the kids leave home. He didn't say his mother had cancer, but a lung "sickness" whatever that may be. How long should he sit around watching and waiting for her to die? If it takes a year, 5 years, 10 years, or she gets a treatment that finally let's her live, should he keep delaying living his own life? Parents don't live forever...it's natural for children to outlive their parents, so it's rather foolish to postpone living life because your parents might die.

I still have one grandmother left living...the same annoying one who has told me since I was a little child that I should visit her more because it might be the last year she's with us. I thought my grandfather was dying of cancer when I was in grad school and dropped a class so I'd have more time to spend with him. He only finally died last year. So, yeah, sitting around waiting for death to happen is no way to live.

Thank you!

 

[russ_watters]

Yes, they are manipulating him. His father will ALWAYS need help supporting the family if he never let's the kids leave home...

One thing I'd like to clarify about my opinion. Though I agree that his father is manipulating him, people should not take that to mean I assume a malicious intent. His father may feel trapped, lonely, needy, etc., and those are probably natrual emotional responses to the situation. I don't necessarily fault him for that. It doesn't even necessarily make it wrong. In life, though, sometimes both sides can be right, but with different priorities and needs, they won't necessarily choose the same course of action. The bottom line is that you shouldn't let someone else make your decisions for you because no one really knows what you want or why. And what is best for one person, or even what they think is best for you, may not be.

 

[lisab]

One thing I'd like to clarify about my opinion. Though I agree that his father is manipulating him, people should not take that to mean I assume a malicious intent. His father may feel trapped, lonely, needy, etc., and those are probably natrual emotional responses to the situation. I don't necessarily fault him for that. It doesn't even necessarily make it wrong. In life, though, sometimes both sides can be right, but with different priorities and needs, they won't necessarily choose the same course of action. The bottom line is that you shouldn't let someone else make your decisions for you because no one really knows what you want or why. And what is best for one person, or even what they think is best for you, may not be.

I agree with this.

I think the OP may be looking at this situation as "either/or" when in fact both goals are obtainable, just not both at the same time.

 

[n0_3sc]

If there were ever a time to step up, it would be now. Why can't the OP tell the school he has to defer for a year because your mother has cancer?

I have 'stepped up' these last 3 years, where I worked to help contribute. I did my share and would've continued having not been offered a once in a lifetime opportunity. Deferring my decision by 'a year' wouldn't help anything. I would just be delaying my own progress in life for something that is inevitable.

Well I had a chat with them, and they're at the point where they've 'opened' up their minds a little. That is, I don't repetitively hear the same answers I mentioned in the start of this thread. But there still is a lot of doubt...a bit more work is needed...

 

[drizzle]

I have 'stepped up' these last 3 years, where I worked to help contribute. I did my share and would've continued having not been offered a once in a lifetime opportunity. Deferring my decision by 'a year' wouldn't help anything. I would just be delaying my own progress in life for something that is inevitable.

Well I had a chat with them, and they're at the point where they've 'opened' up their minds a little. That is, I don't repetitively hear the same answers I mentioned in the start of this thread. But there still is a lot of doubt...a bit more work is needed...

I think the one you need to talk to the most is your mother [since you insist in leaving, it sounds like that to me] the others will handel it, hopefully..

 

[JasonRox]

One thing I'd like to clarify about my opinion. Though I agree that his father is manipulating him, people should not take that to mean I assume a malicious intent. His father may feel trapped, lonely, needy, etc., and those are probably natrual emotional responses to the situation. I don't necessarily fault him for that. It doesn't even necessarily make it wrong. In life, though, sometimes both sides can be right, but with different priorities and needs, they won't necessarily choose the same course of action. The bottom line is that you shouldn't let someone else make your decisions for you because no one really knows what you want or why. And what is best for one person, or even what they think is best for you, may not be.

Well said also.

 

[Cyrus]

I have 'stepped up' these last 3 years, where I worked to help contribute. I did my share and would've continued having not been offered a once in a lifetime opportunity. Deferring my decision by 'a year' wouldn't help anything. I would just be delaying my own progress in life for something that is inevitable.

Well I had a chat with them, and they're at the point where they've 'opened' up their minds a little. That is, I don't repetitively hear the same answers I mentioned in the start of this thread. But there still is a lot of doubt...a bit more work is needed...

That's a good sign, and I hope your mother gets well.