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Does the Man Always Have to Pay for the First Date?

by GladScientist
Tags: date
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BobG
#19
Sep20-11, 12:39 PM
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Quote Quote by FlexGunship View Post
This works best if you picked her up at her house and were responsible for returning her home afterwards.
This is true. Having her ram your MiniCooper broadside with her Ford Expedition would definitely ruin your evening.
TheStatutoryApe
#20
Sep20-11, 05:09 PM
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Quote Quote by turbo View Post
That's pretty nuts. "Oh Laurie, Mr. X is taking me out to Ruth's Chris Steak House on Friday." "Why don't you come along?" If some woman sprung that kind of trap on me, I'd leave her at home and go enjoy the evening by myself.
In the situation where it actually did happen it wasn't just a date, she was my girlfriend, and she wanted to take her friend out to cheer her up because she was really depressed so she invited her to come out with us. I knew and liked her friend. I was low on cash though and when I mentioned my concern about money, away from her friend, my girlfriend became upset with me.

Otherwise I have known multiple women to bring friends on dates to meet guys for drinks and that sort of thing. Its like having back-up on hand. In one particular instance her friend was the excuse for being out at the bar as she had a boyfriend and was meeting with another man.
BobG
#21
Sep20-11, 05:23 PM
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Quote Quote by TheStatutoryApe View Post
I was low on cash though and when I mentioned my concern about money, away from her friend, my girlfriend became upset with me.
Really. So if the two of you did end up in a life long relationship, her preferred solution to any money problems would be for you to just make more money? Or would it be for you just to borrow more money?

Awkward situations are sometimes the best situations of all since they reveal some things about a person that they might not advertise.

I think you're lucky she's an ex.
Drakkith
#22
Sep20-11, 09:49 PM
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As I haven't seen these suggestions:

A. What do YOU want? Do you want a women who expects you to pay or one that will willingly pay for herself? If you don't want to pay for both of you, then don't! If you don't want to, but do so anyways because she expects it, how is that beneficial to a relationship??

B. Ask her what she expects from you. Something like "Do you feel that the man should pay or that both people should pay for themselves?". Better to know now than to get in a situation later.
DaveC426913
#23
Sep22-11, 08:09 AM
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To reiterate.

This could go two ways:

It could be a power struggle - what's expected from her versus what's expected from you, and who "wins".

or

It could simply be a matter of character. You are responsible only for your own actions, no one else's. What they do is not up to you, and should have no bearing on who you are and thus what you do. If you go to dinner with someone, and you like them, you might like to treat them.
flyingpig
#24
Sep23-11, 07:42 PM
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Use the "oh darn I left my wallet at home" trick. If you are lucky, say "oh no, my keys were in my wallet!" and she might invite you to her home
ArcanaNoir
#25
Sep24-11, 06:33 PM
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Probably the most accurate advice I've seen here so far is from Drakkith, "what do you want". This kind of thing does indicate something about each party that is probably important.

If you want a girl's advice, pay for it! Every time. Let her treat you in other ways. For example, buying tasty steaks and all the fixings to cook a diner for two can cost just as much as dinner at a restaurant.

The odds are that she will appreciate you paying. So if you want to play the odds, pay. A girl who feels like she should pay will tell you so. A girl who feels you should pay would not say this if she has manners, but she may not go out with you again.
turbo
#26
Sep24-11, 07:29 PM
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I have nostalgia for the 60's and early 70's. Women were pretty assertive and creative then, IMO. One December night during a blizzard, I decided not to try to trek to my favorite bar, but went out for a drink or two at a bar under a local motel. I went into the bar, shook off the snow, and put my jacket on the back of a chair. Just then, a tall lady with a baby-face came over and said "Can I sit with you if I buy you a drink?" That sounded like a really great package deal and we hooked up, with what became a long-term co-habitation.

We were together for over a year until she completed her degree, with no commitments or expectations. Even though she was a grad student a few years older than me, and was bound to move on, my parents loved her. It's hard not to like someone so down-to-earth and funny.

I wouldn't put so much emphasis on which gender has to play which role in initial contacts/dates. Just let it roll. To the guys: If a woman about your age (not a cougar) asks you out and wants to pay for your drinks, food, etc, grab her.
Drakkith
#27
Sep25-11, 01:53 AM
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Hah! I wish that would happen to me turbo!
ThomasT
#28
Sep25-11, 03:30 AM
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Quote Quote by GladScientist View Post
I'm very inexperienced with dating. I'm going out tomorrow with a girl I met recently. I plan on paying for everything, but if she offers to pay, should I disagree with her and say that I will pay it? Or should I let her pay for it if she offers?

I don't think it matters that much, but I want to avoid giving off the wrong signs (whatever they may be).
If she offers to pay, then I think that means she likes you. If she likes you, and you like her, then it really doesn't matter who pays. But I think it's a good idea to keep that sort of stuff as even as possible. And you will ... if you really like each other. If you don't get that vibe, that feeling from her, and if you don't feel that for her, then let it go and find somebody else. It's really pretty simple. Just keep dating different women until you find that mutual affinity and trust that we all seek. When you find it, then make a commitment to that relationship, and there's a better than even chance that you'll be happy with your decision.
turbo
#29
Sep25-11, 09:59 AM
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Quote Quote by Drakkith View Post
Hah! I wish that would happen to me turbo!
I was pretty darned shocked. That was one ice-breaker of an intro line.
Mépris
#30
Sep25-11, 02:58 PM
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Quote Quote by turbo View Post
I was pretty darned shocked. That was one ice-breaker of an intro line.
I would be as well. I'm usually the one making that kind of effort...

The closest I've gotten to something like that, out of the blue, was at a party. We were outside among a few persons, non-smokers. She randomly came up to me and said something half-assed about going for walk and a cigarette. I looked at her, looked at my drink, looked at her again, took another sip from my drink and looked away. I didn't bother because she wasn't asking for me specifically and any random person would have been enough then. Then again, this could have turned into something else, had I agreed but at the time, that one drink was more appealing.
wasteofo2
#31
Sep29-11, 12:56 AM
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So how did the date go? Did you pay?

In general, the rule with money and romance is to never try to buy someone's affection.

If you want to pay for someone because you've invited them out and see them as your guest, that's fine. But don't try to pay for something in hopes it will make someone like you, it won't, and you're wasting your money and her time.

That being said, a guy who has alot of money and invites a girl to do something that might be expensive certainly has an advantage. Taking her out to a beautiful place with a view vs. a rundown one doesn't hurt, but if she doesn't like you already it won't make her like you, it'll just make her view you as a wallet she might put up with.

Nice trick to avoid spending money, take girls to beautiful natural places. Take a girl to a mountain top overlooking the vastness of nature. How can she not kiss you?
widereader
#32
Dec14-11, 11:56 PM
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I am a traditional kind of person. Although some women pay the first date, it would be a better decision that the guy does it since men usually do the pursuing.
netgypsy
#33
Dec15-11, 05:53 PM
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Quote Quote by TheStatutoryApe View Post
I had another ex who said that was just ridiculous and she would not expect such a thing from me, then she brought a friend with us on a date and was annoyed when I took issue with having to pay for her friend.
Read WARNING SIGNS that this person ISN'T THE ONE. (You invite her out to a nice restaurant and she brings a friend. DING DING DING)

Regarding who pays, at 18 a lot depends on how well you know the girl, how expensive her tastes are, how well off you are financially and just your "gut feeling" about whether she's the type who likes a guy to "spoil her" or who wants to get to know you better first.

A family member who has been very happily married forever said her spouse forgot his money on the third date and she had to pay their way in. The first date was a party, so no expense, the second date, he paid their way in because it was a movie but he also spilled a very large ice filled soda in his lap. So sometimes mishaps and things that aren't clear in a relationship tell you a lot about the person.

So you offer to pay or you just automatically pay if a check is brought or if it's a show or something but if she insists in a nice way, you agree. If she gets nasty, first date is last date no matter how much of a babe she is. It's easy to improve your appearance but character and brains are forever.
jduster
#34
Jan31-12, 06:53 PM
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Quote Quote by GladScientist View Post
I'm very inexperienced with dating. I'm going out tomorrow with a girl I met recently. I plan on paying for everything, but if she offers to pay, should I disagree with her and say that I will pay it? Or should I let her pay for it if she offers?

I don't think it matters that much, but I want to avoid giving off the wrong signs (whatever they may be).
Not all women feel the same way about this, but I would imagine a meaningful percentage of them expect the man to pay first. The first date does not need to be, and should not be expensive. During the first date, it is a small price to pay considering the possible alternative.

I think during the first date, the man should definitely pay first if he invited her out. He should offer, and if she offers, ask "are you sure", and if she says "yes", let her pay for her part.
Snicker
#35
Feb1-12, 12:54 PM
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If she can't take care of herself, you probably would be better off without her.
turbo
#36
Feb1-12, 01:43 PM
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I ended up living with a young woman (older-than-me college student who was a lifeguard with a baby-face) because on our first "date" she introduced herself at a bar under a motel on a very snowy night, and asked "If I buy you a drink, can I sit with you?" What a pick-up line! I had waded up there for a beer or two, just to get out of the house, and when she came in, I couldn't stop looking at her. I'm glad she broke the ice. I was not in a good place emotionally at the time.


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