Having trouble finding a girlfriend

[Phys12]

So far my university experience has been great academically. I am satisfied with my academic performance and the amount of research that I am doing, however, the only problems seems to be with girls.

My first day here, I met this girl (via a mutual friend) who I never really dated, but we were in a "relationship" for 7 months. Basically, she was just leading me on and just used me, was disgustingly manipulative and abusive (while there was no physical abuse during the relationship, she did hit me when I tried to break up). There was this other girl who just wanted to sleep me with me for one night (which was fun and that's exactly what I wanted at that point). Most recently, there was this girl who I really like and we get along *very* well, but she says she isn't sexually attracted to me and likes this other guy. We're very close, though, we drink and sleep in the same room (we can even fart in front of each other, it's great).

I am 19 and it seems like a very young age to be worried about not having a girlfriend, however, I feel like how exactly will it happen? I spend anywhere between 25-33 hours working in my lab every week and I usually take 16-19 hours a semester (I'm trying to double major in Math and Physics) and am not the most extroverted person in the world. How exactly will it happen? :/

 

[GTOM]

PUA stuff and online dating eventually worked for me :)

 

[Orodruin]

With what you describe at 19, I do not think you have any reason to worry just yet. At 19, I had never even been on a date. Like you, I was seriously doubting ever finding a girlfriend as, in addition, I was notoriously shy when it came to women and I was definitely not what you would call a "party animal". I got my first girlfriend at 21 - a one year younger student - when we were welcoming new students to university together, a relationship that lasted for 3 years. My second girlfriend I met on an online forum (not PF) when I was 25, we were hanging out in the same sub-forum and at some point she asked me a question via PM. Before long we were exchanging several long PMs per day and finally decided to meet up. That lasted for 2 years. My third girlfriend I met during when I was 30 my first postdoc as she was a PhD student from another country visiting my institute for 3 months. She is now my wife. There have been like 2 or 3 other women I dated (in between, mind you) but not to the extent of being something very serious. (Pro tip: "I am leaving the country in two weeks to spend four years in Germany" is not a good reply to the question "what do you do?" on a first date)

My point is that you can never know how it will happen. You are not the only factor in the equation and to a large extent it is random when and where you will meet new people. I certainly did not expect my future wife to one day appear and share an office with my closest collaborator. Anyway, if you are worried about it, what you can do is to make sure that you participate in extracurricular activities where you meet new people (and not necessarily only women, meeting new people in general is a good way of broadening your horizons and there is always friends of friends), preferably centred around something you enjoy.

Finding a girlfriend is somewhat like finding a new particle through particle collisions. There are two factors, cross section and luminosity. The cross section is the probability that you will match with any given girl you meet, you can affect it slightly by being a generally nice person (but in the end it depends mainly on the personalities of both of you). The luminosity is the number of opportunities to meet new girls that you have, which you can affect by meeting more people. Of course, if you really want to raise the luminosity, there is always online dating (although anecdotal level evidence suggest the cross section decreases).

 

[ISamson]

@Phys12 , why do you want a girlfriend?

My mother always says to me: why do you need a girlfriend? As you are young, engage in your studies and get as much out of it as you can. Build a career and later (when you are about 28), start worrying about girlfriend stuff.

 

[Vanadium 50]

My mother always says to me

Advice that is appropriate for a 12 year old boy is not necessarily appropriate for an adult.

 

[ISamson]

Advice that is appropriate for a 12 year old boy is not necessarily appropriate for an adult.

I believe I did not mention that my mother's words would appeal to Phys12, did I?

 

[Orodruin]

I believe I did not mention that my mother's words would appeal to Phys12, did I?

Well, this thread is about Phys12. If it was not intended for Phys12 it is off-topic.

 

[ISamson]

Well, this thread is about Phys12. If it was not intended for Phys12 it is off-topic.

It was something Phys12 could think about, I did not mean it to appeal to him.

 

[jedishrfu]

Finding a girlfriend is somewhat like finding a new particle through particle collisions. There are two factors, cross section and luminosity. The cross section is the probability that you will match with any given girl you meet, you can affect it slightly by being a generally nice person (but in the end it depends mainly on the personalities of both of you). The luminosity is the number of opportunities to meet new girls that you have, which you can affect by meeting more people. Of course, if you really want to raise the luminosity, there is always online dating (although anecdotal level evidence suggest the cross section decreases).

Sheldon will be proud of you @Orodruin

 

[Phys12]

With what you describe at 19, I do not think you have any reason to worry just yet. At 19, I had never even been on a date. Like you, I was seriously doubting ever finding a girlfriend as, in addition, I was notoriously shy when it came to women and I was definitely not what you would call a "party animal". I got my first girlfriend at 21 - a one year younger student - when we were welcoming new students to university together, a relationship that lasted for 3 years. My second girlfriend I met on an online forum (not PF) when I was 25, we were hanging out in the same sub-forum and at some point she asked me a question via PM. Before long we were exchanging several long PMs per day and finally decided to meet up. That lasted for 2 years. My third girlfriend I met during when I was 30 my first postdoc as she was a PhD student from another country visiting my institute for 3 months. She is now my wife. There have been like 2 or 3 other women I dated (in between, mind you) but not to the extent of being something very serious. (Pro tip: "I am leaving the country in two weeks to spend four years in Germany" is not a good reply to the question "what do you do?" on a first date)

My point is that you can never know how it will happen. You are not the only factor in the equation and to a large extent it is random when and where you will meet new people. I certainly did not expect my future wife to one day appear and share an office with my closest collaborator. Anyway, if you are worried about it, what you can do is to make sure that you participate in extracurricular activities where you meet new people (and not necessarily only women, meeting new people in general is a good way of broadening your horizons and there is always friends of friends), preferably centred around something you enjoy.

Finding a girlfriend is somewhat like finding a new particle through particle collisions. There are two factors, cross section and luminosity. The cross section is the probability that you will match with any given girl you meet, you can affect it slightly by being a generally nice person (but in the end it depends mainly on the personalities of both of you). The luminosity is the number of opportunities to meet new girls that you have, which you can affect by meeting more people. Of course, if you really want to raise the luminosity, there is always online dating (although anecdotal level evidence suggest the cross section decreases).

Loved the particle collision analogy!

I guess you're right about never knowing when it might happen. I certainly didn't expect my first girl to be introduced by a friend, the second one to be in a class and the third one to just live in my dorm and me saying hi to her, just because I had seen her a couple of times before. I think what prompted this question in the first place was the rejection from this most recent person, that kindda made me feel inadequate and doubt the state of things a little bit.

And that sounds like a plan, I will try and make out time to participate in social events, however, I'd want to do that with a mindset of meeting new people and not specifically get a girlfriend (since I think that might lead to me not being my best).

 

[Phys12]

It was something Phys12 could think about, I did not mean it to appeal to him.

It doesn't appeal to me since I don't want my entire life to be just about my academics and research, I want to have a social life with a very small circle of extremely close friends and a girlfriend. If I focus just on academics till I'm 28, I'm pretty sure I'll miss out on a ton of opportunities. I want academics and research, but I also want those other things.

I think I have the academics down, the research down, the small circle 80% down, the only remaining part is the girlfriend. So I have like 70% of what I want. I need to go get that 30% or maybe just wait and collide with people and hopefully that 30% is taken care of in that process.

 

[Orodruin]

I guess you're right about never knowing when it might happen. I certainly didn't expect my first girl to be introduced by a friend, the second one to be in a class and the third one to just live in my dorm and me saying hi to her, just because I had seen her a couple of times before. I think what prompted this question in the first place was the rejection from this most recent person, that kindda made me feel inadequate and doubt the state of things a little bit.

To be honest, this sounds completely normal. Nobody likes being rejected and when it is by someone who's opinion you care about it is bound to make you feel inadequate and doubtful. It might sound cliché, but you are still very young and you likely have many new opportunities to look forward to.

I think it is also worth pointing out that while rejection is not fun, fear of rejection is the real enemy. So what if a girl rejects you? I used to be very very shy, but the few times I did take courage to ask a girl out I never regretted it, even if it did not lead anywhere. If you do not ask, you will just keep wondering "what if?" and what might have happened if you had had the courage. If she rejects you you can move on with your life and find someone that appreciates you instead. One irrational fear is also the fear that they may ridicule you or start disliking you for asking them out. As long as you do it in a reasonable and respectful manner, most girls will see it as a compliment, even if they are not interested. If they are the type that would ridicule a genuine show of interest, then you should probably avoid them in the first place and count yourself lucky that you do not have to deal with them anymore.

And that sounds like a plan, I will try and make out time to participate in social events, however, I'd want to do that with a mindset of meeting new people and not specifically get a girlfriend (since I think that might lead to me not being my best).

To be honest, entering a social situation with the explicit intent of finding a girlfriend would just be bound to failure. Enter the situation because you find it interesting and worthwhile. You will be more relaxed and present a better side of yourself, both to potential partners and potential new friends (which are not bad to have either).

I think I have the academics down, the research down, the small circle 80% down, the only remaining part is the girlfriend. So I have like 70% of what I want. I need to go get that 30% or maybe just wait and collide with people and hopefully that 30% is taken care of in that process.

I think it is dangerous to start putting percentages on your life in this manner. Just live your life in a way that makes you happy. If you are happy, who cares if you have 2 or 120 friends? Who cares if you are single or married with 4 kids. As long as you are content with how you live, that is the main issue.

 

[Orodruin]

Sheldon will be proud of you @Orodruin

Some of my friends have suggested that I am Sheldon ...

 

[David Lewis]

I spend anywhere between 25-33 hours working in my lab every week and I usually take 16-19 hours a semester (I'm trying to double major in Math and Physics) and am not the most extroverted person in the world. How exactly will it happen? :/

Sometimes you are in a phase of building your life where you have little time to study and practice attraction and seduction skills. After you graduate, with more time freed up, you might then decide to get the success with beautiful women part of your life handled.

 

[Fred Wright]

Have you considered an arranged marriage? Ask your mother to find a suitable candidate. You seem to have a good future as a bread earner so your mother shouldn't have much trouble with this task and it would relieve you of a burden for which you are not equipped to bear. Marry the girl your mother finds for you and be done with your whining.

 

[Evo]

And since we no longer have a relationship forum, and the OP has had a number of responses, looks like a good place to close the thread.

 

[jedishrfu]

Or use the 20 seconds of courage rule to talk to a girl from the movie We Bought A Zoo

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/We_Bought_a_Zoo#Plot

 

[jedishrfu]

Thanks to all who contributed here. Thread now closed.