Are you single, married, or do you have a gf/bf?

[GeorginaS]

I understand having personal preferences and wanting a date or partner to be well groomed. I don't understand this stuff, though. Cyrus, first you wrote

You want a mate that is clean and as healthy as possible. A girl must have a really nice back with clear skin.

but then you wrote

Im not talking about a zit. I mean things that are permanent like major blemishes in the skin or moles\birth marks\ freckles. That stuff I can't stand. I am talking about nice skin on her legs and back.

You do know that blemishes, moles, birthmarks, and freckles have absolutely nothing to do with how clean a person is, right? Those are just normal, human skin characteristics.

Plus, you wrote that you like "a nice tan". You also know that tanning is harmful to the skin, right? And sun exposure to skin can cause cancer. You know that, right?

It's normal to have personal preferences. But the way you express yours, Cyrus, sounds really judgmental, as an example "she can take a hike" for not having a skin type that appeals to you. And I think judgmental people are really unappealing.

 

[binzing]

Ok, its not cotrolling, but then as in the story I quoted, you get pissed off just because she falls into one of those categories AFTER you've met her...

 

[Cyrus]

I do not think that will ring a bell in Cyrus. My gf and I have an additional room in cases I have to work late (like say 2, 3, or 4am) and go back home without having to wake her up. It is important to maintain each other private moments. If I want to spend one week studying something I must be able to. Some married couples with kids sometimes have separate apartments, admittedly better close to each other. Everybody has its own balance. At the extreme opposite, I have a friend of mine who cannot stand spending one day without his gf. That is what I call control freak. If she spend one evening out on her own he goes crazy. That's not love, that's dependence.

This thread is diverging, why can't you respect his decision and judge him based on the little he reported here, or even is aware of. Once again, as in the song, feelings only count. You can find rational explanations for your feelings, but I wonder : how does it matter ?

Yes, thank god you understand what I'm saying. And that IS being controlling. I DO Know guys that would run at a moments notice to take a call from their gf. We were watching a movie and he got up and ran out just to take her call. Give me a damn break. She can wait until the movie is over. There are lots of guys who don't trust their partners and constantly want to know what they are doing, who she's with. Thats a controlling person.

I don't want to see her 24-7. But the times we do get together I want to enjoy it with her. I'll make myself look nice for her, and she should do the same for me. I'd never meet up with a girl looking like I just got up out of bed. Ever. I'd be wasting her time.

 

[rewebster]

This may not apply directly to you, but from a little semi-professional experience--a lot of people who put 'qualifying' factors on people often do so for other reasons than the 'factors' themselves.

 

[Cyrus]

Ok, its not cotrolling, but then as in the story I quoted, you get pissed off just because she falls into one of those categories AFTER you've met her...

All the other times I was with her she was dressed very nice when we met up. Then all of a sudden she just went from nice to crap, probably figured well he likes me now so I don't have to try hard for him to like me. Mistake on her part.

Im not saying for her to wear something expensive, mind you. I'm saying don't look like you just got up out of BED.

 

[binzing]

Whatever, I'm not getting into this...
You just seem to feel the responsibility to pick out the bad things in everyone...Musta been a damn good schoolyard bully...whatever

 

[Cyrus]

I understand having personal preferences and wanting a date or partner to be well groomed. I don't understand this stuff, though. Cyrus, first you wrote



but then you wrote



You do know that blemishes, moles, birthmarks, and freckles have absolutely nothing to do with how clean a person is, right? Those are just normal, human skin characteristics.

Plus, you wrote that you like "a nice tan". You also know that tanning is harmful to the skin, right? And sun exposure to skin can cause cancer. You know that, right?

It's normal to have personal preferences. But the way you express yours, Cyrus, sounds really judgmental, as an example "she can take a hike" for not having a skin type that appeals to you. And I think judgmental people are really unappealing.

Yes, you are right. Sun tanning is harmful. But, what I really don't like are people with really really pale skin. Usually red-heads have this type of skin.

I've seen girls that are white as a ghost. I'd never date someone with skin like that.

So, that's what I'm getting at. Also, a lot of the women from the middle east have skin that has a natural tint to it that looks like its tan even though its not. Its that kind of skin that I like the most. You're right though. They do sound judgemental, because they are! They are my judgment on if I'd say, 'hey she's cute I'd date her'.

They have no bearing on if I'd be her friend, or if I'd be nice to her when we talked.

 

[Cyrus]

Whatever, I'm not getting into this...
You just seem to feel the responsibility to pick out the bad things in everyone...Musta been a damn good schoolyard bully...whatever

You have to understand there are certain fundamental things that everyone has. Smoking and tattoos are two fundamental things to me. I don't tolerate either of them. They are both disgusting.

The more you date, you will realize you have things YOU don't like either.

Im not going to date someone with the intention of changing their personality. If they don't have some funadmental things in line with my values, I am not going to waste my time.

But the first thing that happens is you have to be ATTRACTED to them physically.


If I bring a big fat 250lb woman, and tell you to date her seriously. I don't want to hear you complain to me about how you don't want to because you're being 'judgemental' on her looks. Shes a nice person, she's just really fat and smokes and has tattoos on her arms. Oh no, we can't judge her that's not PC.

 

[rewebster]

well, there ARE a lot of women out there that think they have to look perfect everytime they present themselves---and, are ashamed of themselves and stay inside their own rooms if they AREN'T perfect.

 

[lisab]

well, there ARE a lot of women out there that think they have to look perfect everytime they present themselves---and, are ashamed of themselves and stay inside their own rooms if they AREN'T perfect.

And there are a lot of us who are perfectly happy in our own skin!

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

I don't like freckles. This is my personal preference. Dont ask me why, I just dont. We all have things we are picky about. I am picky about a girls skin. Some people care about height, or weight, or various other factors.

Exactly what is 'shallow' about having a prefernce? Shallow would not be nice to her because she had freckles. Not going out with her is my own choice, and I am not going to give you guys some PC answer because you don't like my preference. Tough nuts to you.

Like I said if that's your thing then fine but don't try to make it out to sound as if its all perfectly normal and reasonable like anyone elses preferences. I have plenty of friends that are ***holes and you know what? They know it and admit it. So why not just admit that the extent of your 'preferences' are what many people call 'shallow' and that you have particularly high expectations for your partners?

I don't like blondes and would normally never try hitting on one but on the few occasions that I have met one who was otherwise attractive and intelligent with a nice personality (you know the important stuff) I definitely didn't let the colour of their hair bother me. That's what one would generally call a 'preference'. What you are decribing (maybe because you are exagerating?) is and absolute rule. And you seem to have a lot of them, particularly regarding physical appearance.

 

[Cyrus]

well, there ARE a lot of women out there that think they have to look perfect everytime they present themselves---and, are ashamed of themselves and stay inside their own rooms if they AREN'T perfect.

They lack confidence and personality. -again a major personality flaw that would make me drop them. I am not a shrink, if she's that messed up in the head she should go to one and not expect me to listen to her problems.

 

[binzing]

What if you married a woman who was absolutely to the nine with your requirements...but then a few years into the marriage, she changed and was out of the reqs. would you just get up and leave her. You seem so inflexible..

 

[WarPhalange]

They lack confidence and personality. -again a major personality flaw that would make me drop them. I am not a shrink, if she's that messed up in the head she should go to one and not expect me to listen to her problems.

Irony?

 

[Cyrus]

Like I said if that's your thing then fine but don't try to make it out to sound as if its all perfectly normal and reasonable like anyone elses preferences. I have plenty of friends that are ***holes and you know what? They know it and admit it. So why not just admit that the extent of your 'preferences' are what many people call 'shallow' and that you have particularly high expectations for your partners?

I don't like blondes and would normally never try hitting on one but on the few occasions that I have met one who was otherwise attractive and intelligent with a nice personality (you know the important stuff) I definitely didn't let the colour of their hair bother me. That's what one would generally call a 'preference'. What you are decribing (maybe because you are exagerating?) is and absolute rule. And you seem to have a lot of them, particularly regarding physical appearance.

Whoa, let's count them

(1) - Nice skin
(2) - Brunette

Is this REALLY a LOT of physical preferences?

Ok, I am an A-hole. I'll give you that!

Shallow, nah. This is not shallow. The same way if a big ugly fat-*** woman came up to you you wouldn't start hitting on her, I wouldn't hit on a person with bad skin. Having (1-2) just makes me go, 'shes nice'. The next part is her personality. Does she smoke? Does she work out? Does she have any passions in life? Is she confident?

But I am not going to bother finding these important things out of she does not have basic things in terms of looks.

If she's a nice person but I am not attracted to her, they have a word for that - friends. And I have no problem being her friend.

 

[turbo]

I have to say I agree with Cyrus on the not wanting to be around someone everyday. I need distance and time for myself. Even when I was married, I had my own room to do the things I wanted and not be bothered by my husband. I can't imagine being joined at the hip to someone, I would feel suffocated. I had a life before I met them, I still have a life after marriage. To each their own, if you like being together with someone all of the time, that's really lovely, but it's not for everyone.

Cyrus, I also can't stand freckles. But although I am a brunette, I am pale as a ghost, I could never even tan when I was younger, I would joke that the sun bleached my skin. I would burn, peel, then be white again.

I do not need to be "joined at the hip" to my spouse, nor do I need to be in control of her nor should she control me. We are a team, and we have our own strengths and our own interests. That is the best for both of us individually and collectively. Unfortunately, I don't see any appreciation for this critical aspect of marital commitment in many young people any more.

As for freckles, I have been smitten with a couple of young ladies with them and have been married for well over 30 years to a young lady that has her share. If you can't stand freckles, then maybe you are doing the gene pool a service.

 

[rewebster]

They lack confidence and personality. -again a major personality flaw that would make me drop them. I am not a shrink, if she's that messed up in the head she should go to one and not expect me to listen to her problems.

EVERYONE has problems--MAJOR problems

---have you ever not gone out for one reason or another?

 

[Cyrus]

I do not need to be "joined at the hip" to my spouse, nor do I need to be in control of her nor should she control me. We are a team, and we have our own strengths and our own interests. That is the best for both of us individually and collectively. Unfortunately, I don't see any appreciation for this critical aspect of marital commitment in many young people any more.

As for freckles, I have been smitten with a couple of young ladies with them and have been married for well over 30 years to a young lady that has her share. If you can't stand freckles, then maybe you are doing the gene pool a service.

Come on turbo, you have to realize that what works for you does not work for everyone else. While you and your wife may enjoy being together so close, others dont. I need my own space. If I am around someone constantly I get saturated and bored.

You like women with freckles, good for you! I dont, good for me!

Live and let live.

 

[Cyrus]

EVERYONE has problems--MAJOR problems

---have you ever not gone out for one reason or another?

......no. I don't have major problems because I am not crazy. I've never been to a shrink. I don't wallow around in sadness or feel depressed.

Everyone does NOT have major problems.

 

[binzing]

Denial...tisk tisk

 

[rewebster]

......no. I don't have major problems because I am not crazy. I've never been to a shrink. I don't wallow around in sadness or feel depressed.

Everyone does NOT have major problems.

to themselves, they are major; and, sometimes they're seen by others

 

[rewebster]

"Pride (Latin, superbia)

Vanitas with her mirror. Painting by Titian, c. 1515Main article: Pride
In almost every list pride (or hubris or vanity) is considered the original and most serious of the seven deadly sins, and indeed the ultimate source from which the others arise. It is identified as a desire to be more important or attractive than others, failing to give compliments to others though they may be deserving of them,[citation needed] and excessive love of self (especially holding self out of proper position toward God). Dante's definition was "love of self perverted to hatred and contempt for one's neighbor."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seven_deadly_sins#Pride_.28Latin.2C_superbia.29

 

[Cyrus]

What if you married a woman who was absolutely to the nine with your requirements...but then a few years into the marriage, she changed and was out of the reqs. would you just get up and leave her. You seem so inflexible..

When you marry someone, you marry them because they have the same values as you. If she does a 180 on her values, then I am not going to be with her. Its your common values that you share that are important -very important.

I think the BEST reason to get a divorce is because people change their values and are no longer compatable with one another.

 

[Cyrus]

"Pride (Latin, superbia)

Vanitas with her mirror. Painting by Titian, c. 1515Main article: Pride
In almost every list pride (or hubris or vanity) is considered the original and most serious of the seven deadly sins, and indeed the ultimate source from which the others arise. It is identified as a desire to be more important or attractive than others, failing to give compliments to others though they may be deserving of them,[citation needed] and excessive love of self (especially holding self out of proper position toward God). Dante's definition was "love of self perverted to hatred and contempt for one's neighbor."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seven_deadly_sins#Pride_.28Latin.2C_superbia.29

......okay?......Go see a shrink your nuts. You're conclusion that everyone has major problems and needs a shrink is nonsense. If you seriously think that's the case then you are sadly mistaken. Lots of people have normal happy lives.

 

[rewebster]

I think you're mixing confidence with pride--they're different

 

[Cyrus]

I think you're mixing confidence with pride--they're different

I have plenty of both.

 

[rewebster]

see---everyone has problems

 

[Cyrus]

see---everyone has problems

But its not a problem. Clearly, its a problem for you that its not a problem for me.

 

[rewebster]

yeah--that's called pride

how many people do you know that doesn't have a problem (besides yourself)?

 

[turbo]

Come on turbo, you have to realize that what works for you does not work for everyone else. While you and your wife may enjoy being together so close, others dont. I need my own space. If I am around someone constantly I get saturated and bored.

You like women with freckles, good for you! I dont, good for me!

Live and let live.

You have stripped all the positive stuff out of my response, Cy. You fail to recognize that if you want to have a happy fulfilling life, you should have a good long-term relationship with another person (I'm not even specifying a gender here) with a person that you love and respect. If your partner is equally loving and respectful in return, that is a sign that you have chosen well. If you have rejected a potential partner because she is not brunette, does not have a dark skin-tone, has some freckles, or does not have perfect skin or has (GASP!) a piercing or a tattoo, then you are doing the gene-pool a favor. We don't need any more of your tendencies showing up in the genetic pool.

Disclaimers: I dated a black co-ed in 1970. My nephew is a lifer in the Navy and he is married to a black woman who had a child from a previous marriage. She is incredibly gorgeous, and you might see her in a movie, someday, if producers and talent-scouts get their way.

If you are screening women based on appearance, you will eventually find one that is perfect and she will drive you crazy for the rest of your live. If you search for a life-partner, you will be happy and fulfilled. I hope that you do the latter.

 

[Cyrus]

yeah--that's called pride

Or perhaps, insecurity on your part?

 

[JasonRox]

I told my girl that even if I married I would want my own apartment!

I need my space. I just don't get attached for some reason. I do what I want to do and that's that. Again, left to Quebec for the summer. Away from her. She wasn't happy about it. Next summer, I'm probably leaving to France. She's even less impressed with that. She seems to assume I would stay for her or something.

Space is good for me.

Also, Cyrus doesn't come off as superficial or shallow at all. He basically described the basics of where his interest in another girl starts if he were looking. Again, I'm sure he would be interested in a cute blond with pretty nice skin if they met with no purpose, and he got to know her.

I also would leave the girl if she took a turn for the worse. Who would stay with that? I definitely would not stay.

Note: I don't want to get married.

 

[rewebster]

Or perhaps, insecurity on your part?

that's called projection

 

[JasonRox]

You fail to recognize that if you want to have a happy fulfilling life, you should have a good long-term relationship with another person (I'm not even specifying a gender here) with a person that you love and respect.

Are you specifying only one person? Are you implying marriage? Commitment?

If so, I disagree.

 

[Cyrus]

You have stripped all the positive stuff out of my response, Cy. You fail to recognize that if you want to have a happy fulfilling life, you should have a good long-term relationship with another person (I'm not even specifying a gender here) with a person that you love and respect.

Yep, I agree. Whats that got to do with physical attraction though (Which is what I'm talking about and NOT what you're talking about)? You are talking about what comes after physical attraction. I am talking about the intial attraction phase.

If your partner is equally loving and respectful in return, that is a sign that you have chosen well. If you have rejected a potential partner because she is not brunette, does not have a dark skin-tone, has some freckles, or does not have perfect skin or has (GASP!) a piercing or a tattoo, then you are doing the gene-pool a favor. We don't need any more of those tendencies.

...Um, okay...

If you are screening women based on appearance, you will eventually find one that is perfect and she will drive you crazy for the rest of your live. If you search for a life-partner, you will be happy and fulfilled. I hope that you do the latter.

Im curious. Do you honestly just take whatever you can get in terms of women? I have girls that are friends that I picked up on that they liked me. I had to tell them, your nice but I am sorry. I am not attracted to you, I am not going to date you.