Advice for a young undergrad lusting after an older grad student?

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Discussion Overview

The discussion revolves around a young undergraduate seeking advice on how to approach a crush on an older graduate student, specifically addressing the dynamics of age difference and the challenges of initiating contact. The conversation touches on social interactions, dating norms within academic settings, and personal experiences related to similar situations.

Discussion Character

  • Exploratory
  • Debate/contested
  • Conceptual clarification

Main Points Raised

  • The original poster expresses a desire to get to know a former TA who is a math grad student but feels hindered by the age difference (29 vs. 20) and the lack of current academic interaction.
  • Some participants suggest directly asking the grad student to coffee, arguing that it could be flattering and that age differences are not significant in adult relationships.
  • One participant humorously suggests an unconventional approach, advocating for a bold and humorous invitation.
  • Several comments discuss the perceived norms and rules around dating age differences, with varying interpretations of what is considered acceptable.
  • There are light-hearted exchanges about the attractiveness of TAs and the experiences of students in nursing and other programs, reflecting on how crushes can affect academic focus.
  • Some participants question the appropriateness of the situation, with comments about potential creepiness and the legality of relationships based on age calculations.
  • Others provide formulas or rules regarding acceptable age gaps in dating, leading to further debate about their validity and application.

Areas of Agreement / Disagreement

Participants generally agree that the age difference is not a significant barrier, but there are competing views on how to approach the situation and the appropriateness of various strategies. The discussion remains unresolved regarding the best course of action and the implications of age in dating.

Contextual Notes

Limitations include the lack of clarity on the grad student's feelings, the informal nature of the advice given, and the varying interpretations of dating norms based on age. The discussion also reflects personal anecdotes that may not apply universally.

Seraphin
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Long story short, I am currently an undergraduate at a public college and I, as high school-ish as it sounds, have a big crush on my former TA. He's funny, cute, and a math grad student, which is EXACTLY my 'type' but those of you who have experience with these types of guys know that they can be a bit shy so it's not easy to interact much with them. Which leaves me in my current predicament that I'd like to get to know him better but I have no idea how.

Anyways, the major thing stopping me is the age difference (he's 29 and I'm 20) since I'm worried he wouldn't want to date someone so much younger than him and try as I might, I can't think of any way to get closer to him so I can get to know him better. He's not my TA anymore and I'm not going to be in any more of his classes, so that's out and I think just hanging around his office would be fairly creepy and a bit of a time waster for us both. I think if I could at least find a way to talk to him casually, I'd have a shot but it's easier said than done.

Realistically, I know this wouldn't lead to any super serious but I'm going nuts not acting on it. People have said that they've seen undergrad/grad relationships work out and others are naysaying it from the get-go.This has been going on for months now and I'd at least like to give it a try before I give up :( If anyone with experience or advice would put their two cents in, I'd be grateful.
 
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Ask him if he would like to go for a coffee.

You spent 3 paragraphs talknig about how it might not work out becasue of the hurdles between you, but in the end it is obvious that you don't care. You want to give it a try.

So just ask him.
 
Seconded. Ask him to coffee. I'd put money on how I bet he'd be flattered. Who cares if you're an undergrad and he's a grad, you're both adults, that's all the matters.

Worse case scenario, he says he's not interested... which leaves you where you are now anyways.
 
Make sure you are naked when you ask him. That always works on me.
 
20 - 29 ... if he's a mathematician, he might notice the difference.

Seriously though, undergrad/grad, who cares ? I never noticed this. But I'm not a mathematician.
 
I have most of my nursing class lusting after their TAs. :smile: At first, they used to make really lame excuses to ask the TAs questions about things they didn't need the TAs to help with, which I thought was hilariously transparent, but I think the TAs hadn't quite noticed. Then we went through the phase where the students would admit to me that they couldn't concentrate in lab because they were distracted looking at the TAs. Now all the students come to me for help instead, because they've figured out they really need to learn the stuff in class to pass and can't lust and concentrate at the same time. :smile:

Anyway, once the course is over and grades are submitted, you're free to interact with your now former TA as you would any other person. (I'm going to have to ask my TAs how many students ask them out after the lab ends.)
 
humanino said:
20 - 29 ... if he's a mathematician, he might notice the difference.

Just tell him "look, we both live in the set of integers, would you like to go for coffee?"
 
Moonbear said:
I have most of my nursing class lusting after their TAs. :smile: At first, they used to make really lame excuses to ask the TAs questions about things they didn't need the TAs to help with, which I thought was hilariously transparent, but I think the TAs hadn't quite noticed. Then we went through the phase where the students would admit to me that they couldn't concentrate in lab because they were distracted looking at the TAs. Now all the students come to me for help instead, because they've figured out they really need to learn the stuff in class to pass and can't lust and concentrate at the same time. :smile:

I call BS. What kind of university is this where the grad students are worth looking at?
 
Pengwuino said:
Just tell him "look, we both live in the set of integers, would you like to go for coffee?"

Yeah. Oh! if only you were still 19 and he was 29..."We're both in our prime..."

I would so use that line!
 
  • #10
Saladsamurai said:
Yeah. Oh! if only you were still 19 and he was 29..."We're both in our prime..."

I would so use that line!

Oh dear god...
 
  • #11
Pengwuino said:
Oh dear god...

Too creepy?
 
  • #12
but that would make him a pedophile.
 
  • #13
Pengwuino said:
I call BS. What kind of university is this where the grad students are worth looking at?

:smile: I keep telling you all that it's much better to be a bio major than a physics major. :biggrin:

Actually, since it's an anatomy course, it's almost too cliche..."Can you help teach me anatomy?" :devil:
 
  • #14
Saladsamurai said:
Yeah. Oh! if only you were still 19 and he was 29..."We're both in our prime..."

I would so use that line!
lol

seriously this would so work! Hope he has a sense of humor!
 
  • #15
Saladsamurai said:
Yeah. Oh! if only you were still 19 and he was 29..."We're both in our prime..."

I would so use that line!

LOL HAHAHAHAHAH This is why I love these forums!

But yeah ASK HIM TO GO TO COFFEE!
 
  • #16
rootX said:
but that would make him a pedophile.

Totally legal. Still both adults. I don't see ant difference between 20 & 29 and 19 & 29.
 
  • #17
Sorry! said:
But yeah ASK HIM TO GO TO COFFEE!

Yes, they know...grad students LIVE on coffee...they will always accept an offer for more coffee.
 
  • #18
Saladsamurai said:
I don't see ant difference between 20 & 29 and 19 & 29.
That's right : although 20 is not prime, the linear combinations of (20,29) also make up all possible integers, because 20 is still prime with 29.
 
  • #19
This thread is getting out of hand. Disgusted pending moderation?
 
  • #20
You're only allowed to date someone 2/3rds of your age and 3/2ths your age. 19*3/2=28.5 so a 19 year old can date up to a 28 year old without being creepy. I think that's the rule
 
  • #21
Office_Shredder said:
You're only allowed to date someone 2/3rds of your age and 3/2ths your age. 19*3/2=28.5 so a 19 year old can date up to a 28 year old without being creepy. I think that's the rule
Fine, that means the 19 year old must wait for one more year.
 
  • #22
2/3rds?

So a 21-year-old can date a 14-year-old?
A 24-year-old can date a 16-year-old?



No, the formula is b=.5a + 7.

So, he can date someone as young as half his age plus 7

14 14
16 15
18 16
20 17
22 18
29 21
...
80 47


Seraphin, when's your birthday?? Ask him for a coffee on your birthday.
 
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  • #23
DaveC426913 said:
No, the formula is b=.5a + 7.

Really? Woo hoo! That means I can date my TA! Just wait until I tell my boyfriend. :rolleyes: Um, oh, wait...I think there might be a flaw there somewhere.
 
  • #24
Office_Shredder said:
You're only allowed to date someone 2/3rds of your age and 3/2ths your age. 19*3/2=28.5 so a 19 year old can date up to a 28 year old without being creepy. I think that's the rule

I thought the rule was:
age_{min}=\frac{age_{you}}{2}+7

To the OP... Let's see...
  • He's a male graduate student, in his upper 20s, in mathematical sciences.
    [*]You're an undergraduate, female, and in your early 20s.


Based purely upon stereotypes, the presumption that he's single (and attracted to females) and that you have no severely hideous deformities, just bat your eyelashes, and he should be all over that. :biggrin:

Unless he's still TAing you, in which case, you should probably wait until next semester.

As with many academic life issues, Jorge Cham of PhdComics has some commentary:
http://www.phdcomics.com/comics/archive.php?comicid=35
http://www.phdcomics.com/comics/archive.php?comicid=49
http://www.phdcomics.com/comics/archive.php?comicid=50

(Seriously though, even though I've never dated any of my TAs--and later, students--just do your standard thing when you're interested in a guy, although you might want to crank it up a notch since there's a possibility that he's entirely clueless about such things)
 
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  • #25
MATLABdude said:
I thought the rule was:
age_{min}=\frac{age_{you}}{2}+7
Dude. Come to the meetings! You're ten minutes late.
 
  • #26
DaveC426913 said:
Dude. Come to the meetings! You're ten minutes late.

D'oh, stupid coffee addiction...

Say, y'know what Seraphin, he's probably into coffee...
(Where's the tongue-in-cheek smilie when you need it? Yes, it was on the first page, which is why this comment is topical!)
 
  • #27
Awe, thanks guys for all the advice! I was a bit afraid people would go "Ewr, what? Don't bother!" but it's reassuring that this doesn't sound wildly impossible. The fear of rejection is still huge, but at least I know what guys must go through all the time now.

Matlabdude: Awe, really? No fears of cradle-robbing? I suppose you're right. I'm afraid some lucky lady might already have him. He has an adorable Irish accent, after all...

But quite honestly, thank you a million times everyone, I appreciate the advice quite a lot!

Seraphin, when's your birthday?? Ask him for a coffee on your birthday.
My birthday's not till June, unfortunately! I think I might just crack and jump his bones if I wait that long though. Decisions, decisions...
 
  • #28
Seraphin said:
...
Matlabdude: Awe, really? No fears of cradle-robbing? I suppose you're right. I'm afraid some lucky lady might already have him. He has an adorable Irish accent, after all...

Uh oh, you didn't mention handsome charming foreigner... This throws everything out the window!

(Just kidding; make like Nike and Just Do It™. DISCLAIMER: No promotional considerations paid by Nike for this advertisement.)
 
  • #29
I'd like to know the results of this. So many possible endings... Will he be married and not tell her till after the...? Will he go to have the coffee and after having been flung upon still not get it and just leave to never be seen again? Could he turn out to be prince charming?
 
  • #30
Too much analysis, Too little action!

Don't think!, Act!

Good luck!
 

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