Are Modern Dating Expectations Setting Us Up for Trouble?

[Astronuc]

My ex husband did. I fell in love with a hand knit dress I saw, but it cost a bit more than I usually allowed myself to spend, so I was agonizing over buying it. My husband told me "you'd look like 10 pounds of sh!t in a 5 pound bag". I was a size 1, I weighed 102 pounds. I never forgot that comment.

(he was actually a great guy and was just busting my chops) or maybe he really meant it...

Evo, I hope you are kidding. I would never say such a thing to the woman about whom I care, not even in jest. A great guy wouldn't say such a thing.

And you were 102 lbs? Geez, I used to pick that up in one hand. Just about to get back to that point too.

 

[russ_watters]

If that doesn't work, she can either lose weight or quit worrying about it and learn to accept her fat ass. A lot of men find the ghetto booty quite attractive; it's hardly the end of the world to possesses one.

I have an insecurity problem. By that I don't mean I'm insecure (I am, but that's a different issue), I mean I'm honest and have trouble figuring out when its appropriate to lie, dodge, evade, etc. I'm learning, but when a female friend of mine said we should rate each other on a 1-10 scale (physically and on personality), I took off running. I can take a punch ok, but she's a little bigger than I am...

 

[Moonbear]

The most important rule is not to have another girlfriend. I found out tonight this guy I have met at conferences every year and really like and finally had a chance to get alone has a girlfriend, and a serious one at that. Are there any nice, single guys left in my general age range?

 

[honestrosewater]

If she's an only child, child of divorced parents, has ever attempted suicide, has ever been addicted to drugs, has ever been on psychiatric medication, has attended more than two protests in the last year, has ever been a 'groupie,' or has served time in prison, she's automatically disqualified.

What do those things tell you about what kind of person someone is?

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

The most important rule is not to have another girlfriend. I found out tonight this guy I have met at conferences every year and really like and finally had a chance to get alone has a girlfriend, and a serious one at that. Are there any nice, single guys left in my general age range?

Awwww... I'm sorry Moonie.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

What do those things tell you about what kind of person someone is?

On average I think they say quite a bit having dated quite a few ladies that have those things about them. There are exceptions I'm sure that are quite wonderful but you are more likely to weed out bad ones than good ones with those criteria.

 

[Danger]

Evo, I hope you are kidding. I would never say such a thing to the woman about whom I care, not even in jest. A great guy wouldn't say such a thing.

Even a totally not-great guy like me. I might jokingly comment upon the floppiness of formerly perky parts, but never in a way that makes it seem as if I don't like them even more now.

And you were 102 lbs? Geez, I used to pick that up in one hand. Just about to get back to that point too.

Bull****! I have serious osteo- and migratory/inflammatory arthritis & advanced emphysema, my only excercise is hoisting a brew (frequently, I must admit), I weigh 130 lbs., and I can lift 100 lbs. with one hand. You're twice my size and in great condition, so I'm guessing you must be good for at least 200. (I know that it isn't a linear relationship, or I'd expect more than that.)

I have an insecurity problem. By that I don't mean I'm insecure (I am, but that's a different issue)

Okay, I finally understand your political opinions.

Are there any nice, single guys left in my general age range?

No.
But if you'll settle for a cranky single guy old enough to be your... much older brother, you know where I live.

 

[fourier jr]

i heard a great idea a little while ago. when out with a girl (dinner, etc) & she answers her cel phone, calmly excuse yourself, say you're going to the bathroom or something... & book it. even better if you've eaten & ordered dessert because then you get to eat for free. by paying for dinner your paying for her undivided attention, you don't want to be one of those saps who buys a girl dinner only to have her talk to some OTHER maggot who she is going to hook up with later. that's after she says at 9pm "oh look at the time, got to get to bed early, thanks for the free dinner". great idea, i will definitely keep that in mind & use it at the appropriate time.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

i heard a great idea a little while ago. when out with a girl (dinner, etc) & she answers her cel phone, calmly excuse yourself, say you're going to the bathroom or something... & book it. even better if you've eaten & ordered dessert because then you get to eat for free. by paying for dinner your paying for her undivided attention, you don't want to be one of those saps who buys a girl dinner only to have her talk to some OTHER maggot who she is going to hook up with later. that's after she says at 9pm "oh look at the time, got to get to bed early, thanks for the free dinner". great idea, i will definitely keep that in mind & use it at the appropriate time.

You have to be careful with something like that. Some women have an appointed time at which to have a friend call just incase she needs an out half way through the date. If she doesn't go then that usually means you've passed the fork test.

 

[honestrosewater]

Sheesh, I sort of remember dating, and it wasn't this complicated. First, you get drunk, then ... uh, well the rest is a bit hazy. But the first part was very simple.

 

[Smurf]

No.
But if you'll settle for a cranky single guy old enough to be your... much older brother, you know where I live.

Geeze, you're just dying to become tribdog in every way you can manage arn't you?

 

[Smurf]

You have to be careful with something like that. Some women have an appointed time at which to have a friend call just incase she needs an out half way through the date. If she doesn't go then that usually means you've passed the fork test.

Meh, I wouldn't want to date a girl off of sex and the city anyways.

 

[honestrosewater]

Geeze, you're just dying to become tribdog in every way you can manage arn't you?

Wait- let the innocents get out of the line of fire first.

 

[FredGarvin]

I have an insecurity problem. By that I don't mean I'm insecure (I am, but that's a different issue), I mean I'm honest and have trouble figuring out when its appropriate to lie, dodge, evade, etc. I'm learning, but when a female friend of mine said we should rate each other on a 1-10 scale (physically and on personality), I took off running. I can take a punch ok, but she's a little bigger than I am...

It's a wise man that picks his battles.

Another life lesson:
Along those same lines, I was dating a total psycho in college. I admit it. She was OK most of the time, but she would really go off into left field at times. Anyways, I can't remember how we got onto the topic, but she got very concerned about her arse and my opinion of what a "perfect" one was. She asked me to point out what I thought was a perfect one when I saw it. I IMMEDIATELY said 'no friggin' way. Do I really look that stupid?' She kept saying that it was OK and that she really wanted to know. I did not cave in. However, she kept hammering me and hammering me for about two more months. Finally, one day we were rollerblading through a park and she was hitting me up on this pretty hard. I was getting really tired of this. As fate would have it, a borderline super model type goes by in spandex, etc...In a fit of pure frustration and to get her to shut up about this, I pointed her out (thinking I'd be safe pointing out a woman who was waaaayyyy out of my league), hoping it would now be a dead issue. The only thing dead was me. She was sooooo P.O.'d. It turned out that she was more angry because I didn't pick someone out with assets that she felt I should have picked out. She didn't talk to me for a week. That was the second-to-last nail in the coffin for her. Cookoo. Cookoo.

 

[Astronuc]

Reflecting back on the OP -

Ok, I've been noticing recently that there seems to be a lot of superficiality in relationships and dating. A while ago, a friend was telling me how with some women, you can be on dodgy ground by saying "you look good in that" because apparently that implies that they don't look good normally, and so the only safe way to complement their attire is to say "that looks good on you". And then of course there is the dreaded "Does this make my bum look big?"...

For one, I would be honest, but I would not be insulting. Secondly, when I was dating, I avoided women who seemed pre-occupied with their appearance. There are plenty of attractive and intelligent women (and men in the case of women) with whom one can have a very meaningful relationship. I pursued relationships with women with whom I could have discussions on a variety of subjects. Besides going to movies, we would go to museums, concerts, and other intellectually stimulating activities. But we would also enjoy outdoor recreation like a park, beach, swimming pool, etc.

So, what do you expect from a person you date? Should the man pay, and hold doors? How will you react if he doesn't? Will you call a guy/girl back if say, their table manners are not perfect (sorry Evo)? On what grounds have you turned someone down (or been turned down) aside from their personality?

I would normally pay for a date, unless of course the woman initiated the date in which case she might pay. My wife paid for us on occasion while were dating.

I have been turned down. One time I set up a blind date by leaving a message in a woman's mailbox (at university). I think she was expecting a slightly taller man, but she graciously went to a movie with me. We did not have subsequent dates, and she didn't return my calls. I think she was interested in the more popular atheletes (she herself was quite popular at school). I heard rumors later on. But she was nice, and she was polite to me when we happened to encounter one another.

My wild streak probably precluded my dating more conventional women. I had a reputation as being 'dangerous'. And actually, there was a period of my life, the 'years of living dangerously', when I did not date or become involved because I couldn't risk hurting someone.

 

[Kazza_765]

It's a wise man that picks his battles.

Another life lesson:
Along those same lines, I was dating a total psycho in college. I admit it. She was OK most of the time, but she would really go off into left field at times. Anyways, I can't remember how we got onto the topic, but she got very concerned about her arse and my opinion of what a "perfect" one was. She asked me to point out what I thought was a perfect one when I saw it. I IMMEDIATELY said 'no friggin' way. Do I really look that stupid?' She kept saying that it was OK and that she really wanted to know. I did not cave in. However, she kept hammering me and hammering me for about two more months. Finally, one day we were rollerblading through a park and she was hitting me up on this pretty hard. I was getting really tired of this. As fate would have it, a borderline super model type goes by in spandex, etc...In a fit of pure frustration and to get her to shut up about this, I pointed her out (thinking I'd be safe pointing out a woman who was waaaayyyy out of my league), hoping it would now be a dead issue. The only thing dead was me. She was sooooo P.O.'d. It turned out that she was more angry because I didn't pick someone out with assets that she felt I should have picked out. She didn't talk to me for a week. That was the second-to-last nail in the coffin for her. Cookoo. Cookoo.

Hah, I love questions like that. My girlfriend has started going to the gym, and she keeps asking me if she has lost weight, and where has she lost it from. I've managed to avoid answering so far. Women love those questions that there are no right answer to. I think every guy knows what to do in those situations . . . run!