Breaking the Cycle of Abuse: How to Cope With Emotionally Abusive Women

[Ivan Seeking]

I think if they stand up to the person who is saying the horrid things, that's a start to change things.

I think some men are trapped by their sense of responsibility. Any effort to confront the problem only results in outrage, screaming, and even more abuse by the abuser, so, for the sake of peace in the family they put up with it.

I endured abuse as a child. There was nothing to do and nowhere to go.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Since I've gone this far, when I confronted my abusive sister about ten years ago - pretty much the last time we spoke - her response was to try to destroy my relationship with the rest of the family by telling lies and making me the villain. Even now my other sister is only beginning to realize how much she has been manipulated through all of this.

 

[Evo]

It makes sense that women would be the emotional abusers more often, that's the only way they can hurt someone if they want to (not many women get violent, it just isn't effective). I also wonder what the reasons are for women being emotionally abusive - are they just mean people, have they been abused, are they angry at their spouses? And are their spouses often abusive too? Or is it mostly just the women who are abusing their spouses?

I think it's also somewhat a learned trait, I see it running in families, of course there are always exceptions.

It also appears more prevalent in some cultures.

Emotional abuse is terrible, the scars aren't outwardly visible until it's too late.

 

[Astronuc]

So men can build rockets to the moon, but can't build a network of support. He can build a super highway, yet can't cross them to seek help. Thats really sad.

So you are blaming men for abusive women? . . . , but this sounds much like the rhetoric that I've heard about abused women in years past.

I don't think hypatia was blaming men for abusive women. Rather it seems to be more an expression of incredulity regarding the fact that men can intelligent enough to build rockets or large projects like superhighways, but cannot develop a social network of support. Of course, that would be an over-simplification of a very complicated matter.

In general, men do seem to have difficulty developing support networks. Our culture generally expects men to tough it out, rather than seek help for emotional distress. I have often seen it in my friends and others whom I know. I have seen several relationships collapse, and often the wife has sought counseling, but the husband was reluctant.

Intelligence and emotional maturity are often completely separate.

 

[Genecks]

I threw away society a long time ago. It seems that there is always abuse to go around for everyone, the best thing to do is bite back.
It also works to distance yourself from society, less drama. (becoming antisocial) It seems that with lack of emotional involvement with others, you begin to slow down your emotional development process. Not healthy in some cases, but for the strong and smart, it's wroth it.

I've found that the majority of people are just fools who haven't grown up from cave man days and you must learn to throw them away and walk over them for yourself to suceed in life.

 

[selfAdjoint]

I threw away society a long time ago. It seems that there is always abuse to go around for everyone, the best thing to do is bite back.
It also works to distance yourself from society, less drama. (becoming antisocial) It seems that with lack of emotional involvement with others, you begin to slow down your emotional development process. Not healthy in some cases, but for the strong and smart, it's wroth it.

I've found that the majority of people are just fools who haven't grown up from cave man days and you must learn to throw them away and walk over them for yourself to suceed in life.

Sounds like your stated location is entirely appropriate to your attitude. Phobos means "fear" and Mars is the god of war. Be happy.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

I have seen several relationships collapse, and often the wife has sought counseling, but the husband was reluctant.
Intelligence and emotional maturity are often completely separate.

That is a separate issue. True abusers don't seek counsiling, they avoid it. As for the men, I think it has more to do with education. I would assume that men generally find their own way to deal with these things but probably not the best way to be sure. And in some cases it probably does end up with abuse in both directions. But if a man is tolerating abuse by his wife, it is she, not he who needs the help.

I find it interesting that you tend to want to "victimize" the man and assume that he needs an emotional support group. In my case, for example, my sister and a couple of others need the help, not me. I finally realized that this just ain't my problem and enough was enough. That's what was needed, not a support group.

 

[Astronuc]

That is a separate issue. True abusers don't seek counsiling, they avoid it. As for the men, I think it has more to do with education. I would assume that men generally find their own way to deal with these things but probably not the best way to be sure. And in some cases it probably does end up with abuse in both directions. But if a man is tolerating abuse by his wife, it is she, not he who needs the help.

I agree.

I find it interesting that you tend to want to "victimize" the man and assume that he needs an emotional support group.

I was not trying to 'victimize' the man. I was simpling pointing out that hypatia was apparently expressing incredulity at the fact while men (and people (mankind) in general) can be so intelligent, this intelligence does not preclude abusive behavior, and I was making the point that emotional maturity and intelligence do not go hand in hand.

In my case, for example, my sister and a couple of others need the help, not me. I finally realized that this just ain't my problem and enough was enough. That's what was needed, not a support group.

I agree with you. People who are abusive need intervention and counseling, and in some cases, they need to separated from other people, particularly those they abuse.

Looking back at my post, I could have better phrased it. In addition, I think the context of abuse in most cases is spousal abuse or child abuse, rather than sibling abuse. In the case of child abuse, the children do need effective support, something that is often lacking.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Ah, I see what you were saying. Yes, for adults I think just getting away is often best. When I was a kid mom was the problem - physical and emotional -but as my sisters grew up the same patterns began to emerge in their behavior. I had no choice as a kid, but as an adult I could just say, adios. I haven't completely cut the ties but I spend as little time as possible with my sisters now; the one in particular. And the stuff with mom is ancient history.

 

[russ_watters]

I find it interesting that you tend to want to "victimize" the man and assume that he needs an emotional support group. In my case, for example, my sister and a couple of others need the help, not me. I finally realized that this just ain't my problem and enough was enough. That's what was needed, not a support group.

Some people, male or female, are hurt by emotional abuse and can't recover on their own. Some are better able to extricate themselves from the situation. The irony, of course, is that someone who can extricate themself probably doesn't need counseling, but someone who can't extricate themself won't be able to seek counseling. Outside intervention is required.

A good friend of mine has a controlling, but not overtly abusive mother. He just turned 31 and has no real hope of moving out of his parents' house on his own. When I can, I'm going to pull him out.

 

[Q_Goest]

I just came across http://www.rickross.com/" . I've read through a lot of the information they have and a number of posts there, and it seems like a pretty solid web site.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

I had to laugh when I got my one sister's Christmas card. It was a picture of her family. She is at the center of the picture with her two girls sitting on either side, and I can almost make out my brother-in-law way back in the shadows near the left border of the shot. Nothing ever changes.

 

[quantumcarl]

I think it's also somewhat a learned trait, I see it running in families, of course there are always exceptions.

It also appears more prevalent in some cultures.

Emotional abuse is terrible, the scars aren't outwardly visible until it's too late.

Emotional abuse male to male, female to female, male to female or female to male... it accounts for many psychological conditions that, as you say, are difficult to reverse.

Toddlers watching parents abuse each other with insults and guilt trips and judgement calls is the classroom for continuing abuse, ensuring future generations of adult toddlers (grown-up appearance - infantile psyche).

Behaviour modification initiated by role-modeling and dominant genetic predispositions created by an environment of abusive role-modeling (repeated over generations) creates a volatile yet easily manipulated individual that is willing to perform just about any unconventional act to the point of becoming, say, a suicide bomber. Only the well educated would be able to recognize this resource... that is, only the well educated and emotionally abused recruiter.

 

[Churljim]

I caught a bit on the Today Show that discussed the issue of emotional abuse. Anytime I see something like this it almost always focuses on women who are abused by men. But in my family there was plenty of abuse and it all came from the women - and it still does. Without meaning to start a war between the sexes, I think abusive women are often tolerated or ignored, and abusive men are villified. Quite simply, men are expected to put up with it. My solution has been to mostly cut the ties with my family. I won't put up with another generation of abusive women.

For those that did not see the interview - here it is:
http://video.msn.com/v/us/v.htm?g=9923ebec-1e0a-4699-bbea-bf4ec6814cd0&f=email

 

[eternalenemy]

I must say that http://www.iwishisaidno.com/forum/1945-emotional-abuse.html is one of the most lethal abuse. Physical abuse is really depressing due to what happens to you, but emotional abuse=it affects the mind directly. It manipulates the brain to think negatively, and most people who have suffered from emotional abuse have seeked psychological help, and sometimes, suicided.