Dealing With Unrequited Love in University

[Monique]

Ignoring this will only make things worse for you. I don't believe you have the capability to just get over this girl and I think anyone recommending such a thing has no understanding of your situation.

I think he should forget about this particular girl, people have crushes involving people that are out of reach and then grow over it. I think everyone has had these high school crushes. Later you realize that you really weren't compatible and that it was a nice experience to have such feelings for someone, but that they weren't realistic. I once had such a crush for someone in high school, I never contacted him and there are no hard feelings.

I think ILEW should work on really getting to know girls, without any obstructions and barriers. Obviously he has a HUGE barrier build for the current girl, she's out of reach and I'd leave it at that. If you're supposed to meet, it will happen, the circumstances will be better when you just let it happen instead of forcing a relationship.

Talk to girls that you don't find intimidating and learn from interacting with them. You'll probably soon find a girl you like, since you've already contacted her the barrier will be low to continue the relationship.

 

[Huckleberry]

I don't think he can forget her until she rejects him. Even if he could, he would likely soon replace her with another fantasy girl. This isn't just a crush. This is an obsessive fantasy that has been ongoing for 10 years from a time when they were just children. He needs to learn how to accept rejection. It will help him with more than just relationships. It will help him assert himself in all areas of his life. I suspect that he needs an identity separate from what others think of him.

 

[Moonbear]

Quite frankly, I think it's time for him to seek a counselor or other professional help to be able to 1) let this go, and 2) learn to have the confidence to look someone in the eye and talk to them! Obviously, the second problem is part of what has led to the first problem. Not be able to even look up at someone and say "hello" is going to create more problems than just lack of dates. This is a life skill that is needed not just for social relationships, but for professional ones as well. If you're so shy that you can't look someone in the eye when talking to them, and so nervous about it that you stammer over all your words, you're going to have trouble getting through job interviews, meetings with co-workers, etc. Deal with that problem first, and once you've overcome that shyness, you'll start noticing other women and they'll notice you and it'll be easier to put this one out of your mind (or to finally just ask her and get the rejection over with...or who knows, if you get your act together, she might find you more interesting and will say yes, but that will NEVER happen if you're too scared to even talk to her let alone ask her out).

 

[Evo]

I don't think he can forget her until she rejects him. Even if he could, he would likely soon replace her with another fantasy girl. This isn't just a crush. This is an obsessive fantasy that has been ongoing for 10 years from a time when they were just children. He needs to learn how to accept rejection. It will help him with more than just relationships. It will help him assert himself in all areas of his life. I suspect that he needs an identity separate from what others think of him.

So if she doesn't answer another e-mail can we tell him to take that as a rejection and move on? No answer may be the only rejection he gets.

 

[Huckleberry]

So if she doesn't answer another e-mail can we tell him to take that as a rejection and move on? No answer may be the only rejection he gets.

Only ILEW can decide when he feels that he has been fully rejected. Hopefully he can do it without frightening her too badly. I think he needs to see for himself that she is not the woman in his imagination. Or like Moonbear said, if he gets his act together, this girl might react positively. My magic 8 ball says "chances are slim".

What I would do is send a short message to arrange a meeting in a public place to catch up on the last ten years. Then, if she responds, I would force myself to go and talk to her in person. It's harder to dispute a rejection when it is done in person.

If she does not respond to that e-mail I would send one more explaining as best I could how I felt. I'd lay out the last ten years and how meeting her affected me. If she still doesn't respond then the rejection is pretty clear and he should just stay away from her.

Either way, he should talk to a professional about this, someone who can determine how severe his problem is.

 

[cristo]

If she does not respond to that e-mail I would send one more explaining as best I could how I felt. I'd lay out the last ten years and how meeting her affected me.

He should send one email, by all means, but another email "explaining how he feels" is a very bad idea. If she does not reply to his first email asking to meet up, he should take this as a rejection. I will guarantee, that if he sends her an email explaining his feelings for her, having never even spoken, she will not reply. Furthermore, I wouldn't be suprised if it didn't scare the poor girl!

I think he should leave it, but if he must send one more email, then fair enough. However, he should realize when friendly behaviour becomes obsessive stalking.

 

[Huckleberry]

I only recommended two e-mails because I think talking in person is better than describing his emotions in an e-mail. I think the important thing is to get this all out of his head an into the real world. Yeah, she could be scared, but no harm is done from an e-mail. Then at least he will have a real reason to avoid her and will find it difficult to continue the fantasy when it is undeniable that it does not match reality.

I wouldn't be surprised if the e-mail has already been sent.

 

[Evo]

If she does not respond to that e-mail I would send one more explaining as best I could how I felt. I'd lay out the last ten years and how meeting her affected me.

Eeeeh, that's the point I would consider a restraining order. He never met her.

If I got an e-mail from someone saying "you don't know me but I have been obsessed with you since I was a child" they would not get a reply.

 

[Huckleberry]

Well, hopefully he words it better than that. Something like, "I regret never having spoken to you. I wish I had the courage years ago to do so. I have problems expressing myself to women. I just wanted to let you know this so I could move on. This is my 12 step program for hopeless romantics. I hope you understand. Thanks for hearing me out. I wish you well."

That and a bunch of other everyday life things shouldn't scare her too bad, you think? I think what would be too frightening is if the letter was directed to her in a manner that seeks her affection, rather than acknowledging the end of an obsession. I'd play it down to a crush as much as possible by leaving out highly charged emotional words and writing in a matter-of-fact manner.

 

[cristo]

This is my 12 step program for hopeless romantics.

So now it's an addiction that's comparable to, say, someone who's life is destroyed by alcohol or drugs? I think not. This is a girl he doesn't know, has never met or spoken to, and doesn't even know what she looks like.

 

[Monique]

Well, hopefully he words it better than that. Something like, "I regret never having spoken to you. I wish I had the courage years ago to do so. I have problems expressing myself to women. I just wanted to let you know this so I could move on. This is my 12 step program for hopeless romantics. I hope you understand. Thanks for hearing me out. I wish you well."

If someone wrote that to me I'd be like: "uhh.. ok" unless it's someone I've actually interacted with and was somewhat befriended.

 

[Huckleberry]

So now it's an addiction that's comparable to, say, someone who's life is destroyed by alcohol or drugs? I think not. This is a girl he doesn't know, has never met or spoken to, and doesn't even know what she looks like.

I'm not being literal. It's just some humor. Someone with a severe social disorder can have their life destroyed just as easily as they could with drugs and alcohol. These disorders can often lead to those abuses also. Not being able to form relationships is a very harmful disorder. I'm making light of a potentially serious situation.

If someone wrote that to me I'd be like: "uhh.. ok" unless it's someone I've actually interacted with and was somewhat befriended.

It doesn't really matter what she thinks as long as she isn't so frightened that she feels a need to take legal action. The idea is to get the feelings across with a minimal amount of creepiness so they don't have to be bottled up for the rest of his life.

 

[Astronuc]

Well, hopefully he words it better than that. Something like, "I regret never having spoken to you. I wish I had the courage years ago to do so. I have problems expressing myself to women. I just wanted to let you know this so I could move on. This is my 12 step program for hopeless romantics. I hope you understand. Thanks for hearing me out. I wish you well."

I wouldn't mentioned the 12 step program, but one could simply convey that one has been very shy and awkward. Say something like, "please pardon my behavior, and I hope it has not caused any alarm." Then move on.

I am often bewildered why people just cannot come out and say what is in their heart - to simply be honest and straightforward. Those seem to be two qualities that are requisite for a successful and long-lasting relationship - whether its friendship or marriage.

 

[Moonbear]

If someone wrote that to me I'd be like: "uhh.. ok" unless it's someone I've actually interacted with and was somewhat befriended.

It doesn't really matter what she thinks as long as she isn't so frightened that she feels a need to take legal action. The idea is to get the feelings across with a minimal amount of creepiness so they don't have to be bottled up for the rest of his life.

If it was written exactly as you wrote above, my response would be the same as Monique's. And, I'd probably add his email address to my spam filter. If he wrote anything more, actually expressing his feelings as he is talking about her here, then I'd react more like Evo and start thinking "Save this email as evidence for the restraining order, and I think I'm going to shower with Lysol now."

 

[JasonRox]

I'm with Moonbear. He needs profesional help badly.

 

[pivoxa15]

One of the reasons for liking her so much back then was because she seemed like someone I would like very much, i.e a female version of myself? Her friends were people I probably would have liked had I been female at the time. So it isn't just her physical attractivness but other things as well. That is why she seemed so perfect and such an opportunity gone missing. I have never dated anyone in my life but its as if, if I was going to date anyone than the first person in the world would be her. However we are different to when we were small. I have become more anti social but don't think she is, if not quite sociable by the look of things.

Talking this issue here has helped me a lot. I don't feel as bad about it anymore and not so freightened of her anymore.

 

[J77]

What a long thread...

I had never ever talked to her before

ummm... could be a first step...

 

[Astronuc]

I'm with Moonbear. He needs profesional help badly.

As long as he's not wearing disposible diapers and driving cross-country to Florida, he's not there yet.

Talking this issue here has helped me a lot. I don't feel as bad about it anymore and not so freightened of her anymore.

Hopefully in real life, one uses one identity. I can understand the senstivity of the matter, but hopefully there are not more than two identities here.

 

[dontdisturbmycircles]

Ouch.. I am assuming that he did not mean to switch over to the Pivoxa name and was just using ILEW for privacy... This may make it even worse considering the state it sounds like he is in.

 

[pivoxa15]

Oh yeah. I'm sorry. It's all leaked out now. Anyway its good getting some advice from you people. I was just too embarrased which I assume is understandable but for me especially so to talk about these matters. Anyhow I am planning to give her one more email in a months time after I finish my exams and some time to reflect on the issue. However the probabilities are very low.

 

[dontdisturbmycircles]

Good luck pivoxa.

Yes it is understandable.

 

[JasonRox]

Just let her go man. Seriously, a 10 year crush is just unthinkable and creepy especially since you don't even know her and creepy even if you did know her.

If you have a hard time moving on from a girl you don't even know, just imagine how hard it would be to move on from rejection. If you haven't given up yet, you probably won't give up after rejection.

Anyways, I say leave her alone. The day she finds out you had this long crush she's going to think you're a ps...

Note: I personally wouldn't tell any girl you meet about the crush either. It'll freak them out.

 

[honestrosewater]

Good luck pivoxa.

Yes it is understandable.

Seconded. And I hope you meet more people with some compassion and understanding who can help you tame your worries.

 

[Astronuc]

I concur with honestrosewater and dontdisturbmycircles. It is quite understandable. Time to overcome the handicap of anxiety and move forward.

 

[Huckleberry]

Good luck pivoxa.

I apologize if I got a little dramatic. That happens sometimes. I think that if you do find someone who is understanding to your sensitivity you will have a powerful bond with that person. Thank you for sharing your situation with us. That takes real courage.

 

[pivoxa15]

There is nothing to hide now. I actually created ILEW just for discussion about matters related to her. Yes she is actually taller than me a little maybe an inch or two. That just adds more unlikliness on top of everything else.

 

[Astronuc]

There is nothing to hide now. I actually created ILEW just for discussion about matters related to her. Yes she is actually taller than me a little maybe an inch or two. That just adds more unlikeliness on top of everything else.

Not necessarily - it depends on her. Some women (perhaps a majority) prefer a taller man. Try to resist applying generalities in human behavior to individuals.

Too bad you didn't make a post on this before you sent the second email.

At this point, I would recommend not going out of one's way to contact her, but if you should by chance encounter her again - wave (if at a distance) or if nearby (say Hi). But perhaps just let it go.

 

[pivoxa15]

Not necessarily - it depends on her. Some women (perhaps a majority) prefer a taller man. Try to resist applying generalities in human behavior to individuals.

There is good reason to think she is part of the majority. The fact is it creates extra reason for me to let it go.

Too bad you didn't make a post on this before you sent the second email.

Yeah that is one thing I really regret. I assumed she liked me and all I needed to do was to confirm that I liked her. The fact that she didn't reply the second email suggest that is far from the truth.

 

[radou]

Wh...what? ILEW is pivoxa15? What's this, some kind of soap opera?

Anyways pivoxa, good luck.

 

[Astronuc]

I assumed she liked me

Well, therein lies the problem. Having not had a conversation or exchange in the past, she doesn't even know you, and you don't know her. She might have noticed you some time in the past. Back in post #33, she probably recognized you on the bus and at least then, she felt comfortable enough to stand next to you. That was certainly an opportunity missed.

From her perspective, your behavior (avoidance) has been rather strange, and has perhaps now made her uncomfortable. Perhaps one should not attempt further contact, but rather learn from the experience and move on.