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Dealing with crazy obsessive girl

  1. Nov 8, 2013 #1


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    Background -- 18 year old guy, just started uni, currently single.

    A couple of years ago in high-school, a girl in my class (1 year older than me) managed to find out what my e-mail was, and she started sending me e-mails, trying to create conversation with me. That we did; we talked for quite a long time. It was obvious that she was attracted to me (heck, I have proof of it, with the 2000+ e-mails she sent). Initially she seemed nice, so I agreed to go out with her (over e-mail). But then she started acting in a pretty suffocating, clingy manner -- sending close to a hundred e-mails/texts per day, telling me that she wanted to live with me forever, that she wouldn't be able to cope if I died, among other creepy things. Of course, we hadn't even dated yet, nor had I even told her whether or not I had any intention of being in a relationship with her.

    I didn't respond to her for about 24 hours because I had just got sick of her. As a result, she started ranting about what a bad boyfriend I would be, and other words to that effect (which I found a little irritating, especially given that I had no intention of being with her), so we agreed that we should scrap the dating idea, and instead opt to 'just be friends'.

    That didn't last very long. Within a week she was offering intimacy/sex, telling me that she'd do anything to be with me. I declined, mostly because she really made me uncomfortable, and I had no idea how a meeting with her would go. So, I cut contact again. A few weeks later, she told me she needed help, that she was going crazy -- but she didn't want to talk about it. So I figured that there wasn't much harm in simply talking to her as a friend: she had just started uni, so I imagined that she might be feeling a bit lonely. Shockingly, she was the one who stopped talking to me after a while. A month later, at school, I saw her standing on her own (she was supposed to be at uni) -- she told me she was going to a mental hospital, and walked away before I could say anything.

    Fast forward about a year. I receive an e-mail from her, which says something along the lines of "Hi. It's been 417 days since I talked to you. How have you been?" I'm not sure what to do at this point. On the one hand, if I cut contact with her or blocked her e-mails, I could spare myself a lot of trouble. On the other hand, if I did respond, she could start becoming attached again (her younger brother had told me that she'd restarted her first year at uni), OR it might help her relax at uni a little if she at least has one person she can talk to.

    Do you think the best course of action would be to cut contact with her?

    EDIT: Just to clarify, this girl and the girl I mentioned in the Flirty girl turned out to be a lesbian thread are not the same person.
    Last edited: Nov 8, 2013
  2. jcsd
  3. Nov 8, 2013 #2
    How much spare time do you have?
  4. Nov 8, 2013 #3


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    It varies. At most a couple of hours a day, more on weekends. But I tend to e-mail via my phone.
  5. Nov 8, 2013 #4
    Seems like these two statements should be on the same hand.

    When I first started reading this, I was thinking "if she's hot, just go with it", but after reading the entire thing, being hot doesn't make up for her mental instability.

    I'd suggest responding to her in a minimalist manner, if you want to be polite, by just responding to questions and not giving any extraneous information or act like you enjoy the conversation. And I think you should try to get as uninvolved with her as possible, without being mean.
  6. Nov 16, 2013 #5
    Best course of action for whom? I think the best thing for her would be if you made it clear to her that she's making you uncomfortable, that you're not going to be able to be friends with her if she continues behaving this way, but that you understand that she's got issues and are willing to provide some support if she doesn't get extremely clingy again.

    You say that "she could start becoming attached again" but she clearly is attached and it doesn't look like ignoring her is going to make her less attached. Instead of avoiding communication, I'd suggest being honest with her about how her behaviour makes you feel very uncomfortable without being dismissive.
    Last edited: Nov 16, 2013
  7. Nov 16, 2013 #6


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    I have been in your situation when I was about your age and it was quite unpleasant overall.

    My advice is not to get involved with this girl at all, as she will probably drive you crazy.
    You do not owe her anything. Don't guilt yourself into thinking you do, and try really hard not think with your genitals. :yuck:

    In more detail...

    Next time she contacts you, ask some probing questions about her time in the mental hospital. How long did she stay, and (most important) what was the diagnosis of her condition? And was she prescribed ongoing medication?

    Probably, she'll be reluctant to answer and give evasive incomplete responses, and maybe get annoyed that you even asked, but that's just too bad. If someone had been in hospital being treated for AIDS, any prospective partner has right to know the details. Same principle here -- don't ruin your time at Uni by going crazy yourself. Uni is challenging enough academically -- you don't need social problems on top of that.

    BEWARE! It's easy to think "maybe I can help her if I'm just there for her". But for a mentally ill person, e.g., someone suffering from schizoprenia, you can't help her. Not really. That sort of thing really is a job for the professionals. (Thinking you can is just arrogant egotism on your part, trust me.)

    Even if it's something else like acute/obsessive anxiety, that also indicates deep mental conflicts between different parts of her mind (e.g., conflict between id and ego, or between ego and superego, or between ego and reality, etc, etc). Wikipedia has a bit of info on these terms if you're not familiar with them. Wouldn't hurt to also read up a little on the myriad forms of schizophrenia and also anxiety.
    Last edited: Nov 16, 2013
  8. Nov 17, 2013 #7


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    Run away.
  9. Nov 17, 2013 #8
    What if FeDeX_LaTeX is a glutton for punishment and he likes trying to fix broken things, not that he has time for either?
  10. Nov 25, 2013 #9
    Run, run away very fast. Might get a new phone and email also.
  11. Nov 26, 2013 #10


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    Try to get away cleanly, and under no circumstances piss her off or make her angry, you do not want to go there. believe me. I dealt with fires being started and dead animals on my doorstep and that was the nice one.
  12. Dec 1, 2013 #11
    Short. Concise. Correct.
  13. Dec 2, 2013 #12
    She is mentally ill. Tell her parents and cut contact.
  14. Dec 30, 2013 #13


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    You obviously need that kind of distraction while in college, right? Animal sacrifices are nice, but, there is always litter to clean up. Tell her you died - by email, sounds like she will probably believe it.
  15. Feb 9, 2014 #14

    jim hardy

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    try a search on term "codependency". It is a behavior wherein one person is obsessed with control of another, and was quite the rage in pop psychology a couple decades ago.
    Melody Beattie is an author whose writings on the behavior helped a lot of people.

    That said, i agree with the immediately previous seven posts.

    old jim
  16. Feb 10, 2014 #15
    Never sleep with anybody who is obviously FAR crazier than you.

    From the sounds of it, she's trying to work through some problems, but unless you feel like taking on the full-time job of catering to her issues, you should stay away from her. That level of obsession produces stalkers and occasional murder/suicides, not healthy relationships.
  17. Feb 10, 2014 #16
    Let the girl grow up. Just don't go anywhere with her, it's a deathtrap.
  18. Feb 21, 2014 #17


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    No news is good news here.
  19. Aug 26, 2015 #18
    I would go with it. If she is to clingy then show her who is boss. I been in situations where girls are controlling and have a manipulate behavior. I show them I am not that person and their behavior changes. Many man do not know how to be man. They let themselves be easily controlled and manipulated. These same man will go back to a cheating gf.

    Let her know that you are just looking for sex and not a relationship. Problem solved.
  20. Aug 26, 2015 #19

    "Never play cards with a man called Doc. Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own."

    Nelson Algren
  21. Aug 26, 2015 #20

    Vanadium 50

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    After two years?
  22. Aug 28, 2015 #21
    If she's still obsessed after two years, you know she's a keeper.
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