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Eden Cronicles, Time to wake up

  1. Sep 4, 2012 #1
    Ok, this is the first "Chapter" of what I writing.
    This is also going to be my first time Writing any sort of story for the public, since the forth grade and to be honest I don't even know how long the "Novel" will end up being.

    I am dyslexic thou I do not consider it an excuse for poor writing, but an explanation for some obvious mistakes.
    I am looking for Comments, and Constructive criticism.

    If you spot spelling errors or really bad grammar let me know.

    Thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoy my story.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 4, 2012
  2. jcsd
  3. Sep 4, 2012 #2
    Re: Writing with Imput: Eden Cronicles, Time to wake up

    Eden Chronicles, Time to wake up.
    Prelude,
    Subjectively, August 13th, 2482 ESC, 2:02pm

    Six hours since the stasis field was activated, to make matters worse his headache is getting worse and there is no way to turn the field off. He quickly glanced up at the wall of his prison. Pulsing light blinking just quickly enough to hurt his eyes, and cause the headache. Its difficult to make out what kind of room he is in, and it has changed since the last time he looked at least he thinks it has. The layers of gravity fields distort the light too much to make out much details but he is almost sure that he is in some sort of large oval room.
    Nimbus was in the process of looking back down at the sculpture of the Earth he had made and included in his prison when he built it, when every thing went black. Then he heard a noise, it took him a few seconds to register that its not him making the noise, but some one or some thing else. He realized then the field was turned off. But some thing was wrong, there should be no reason for deactivating the field in the dark.
    He reached out with his mind and immediately withdrew as a cacophony of alien minds almost overwhelmed him. Where is my people he immediately thought they should be here, they have to be here. He reached out again much more tightly controlled this time. It was better, but still almost overwhelming. Then he realized most of the minds weren't strictly speaking alien but human. Humans who's brains operate completely differently then he is used to. Then he felt it one mind, then another, then another, all who we're almost Edenite in “smell” but lacked what he would later describe as the familiar “colour” and/or “texture” of an Edenite. Then he realized that they were underdeveloped, but brimming with potential, the minds of children. Knowing what to look for now he looked for a similar “smell” and found what he believed to be the adults. He couldn't get much from them merely strong emotion, the sort of thing any one actually in the room with them would notice.
    Worried.
    Why are they worried? It can't be me no one else is here! Then he remembered the sound he heard. Some one is here he can still hear it, he focused on the world around him, and listens for it. He is still here! Nimbus thinks to himself as he crouches down and opens a panel on the floating platform he is standing on, causing it to lower to the ground just past the still floating sculpture. Reaching out this time with the greatest restraint he's ever needed to preform he “felt” around with his mind, There! He thinks to him self, on the far side of this room. He looks closer at the mind on the far side of the room and it hits him hard, the mind was closer to an Edenite then any he has felt so far, but some thing is wrong, he should have felt it earlier, should have “smelled” it. He starts walking around the gravity generators embedded into the ground to get to the other side. After a moment he realizes why he failed to sense him the first time, who ever is on the other side is actively dampening their mind some how, not a trick many Edenites would be able to do.
    Nimbus considers his options has he approaches, he can see the blue glow of an active Edenite holo-terminal and a figure near it seemingly manipulating the controls at random, failing to notice the lock down marker around the boards of the terminal. Acting on impulse Nimbus “pokes” the mind shield to see what kind of reaction he would get, well pokes very softly he is the most powerful telepath Eden eugenics and genetic engineering have ever produced. He is immediately surprised the mind resisted the attack. Then he was shocked, when he heard the figure gasp. He immediately knew three things now, that started to make sense, the figure isn't some sort of Edenite agent or Human assassin. He was a she, young couldn't be more then twelve, likely younger, and more importantly at least to an Edenite, She was terrified; Not of Nimbus either but of some thing else. Its been a while since Nimbus dealt directly with children but a terrified child affects all Edenites in the same way, suddenly Nimbus become fiercely protective, and paternal, in a way that would make female Ursine jealous. Unlike a Ursine how ever this only sharpened Nimbus' mental acuity. Knowing he has to gain the child's trust and quickly he starts projecting calm and safety telepathicly hoping she isn't a developed enough as a telepath to detect what he is doing. Then he approached from the side as to be clearly visible, is white clothing picking up the light from the terminal, making him practically glowing in the dark room.”Hello there” in his friendliest voice. “May I be of assistance?”
     
  4. Sep 4, 2012 #3

    Ryan_m_b

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    Re: Writing with Imput: Eden Cronicles, Time to wake up

    There are a few spelling mistakes but a big issue is the use of tense. This piece switches between past and present tense throughout, sometimes in the same sentence, which makes it difficult to read. I've highlighted below some examples (but not all) of where this needs attention in red.

    As for the content I find it intriguing :smile: by any chance are you inspired by Peter Hamilton and his telepathic Edenists? A big tip I'd like to give is being careful of exposition as it breaks the flow of the narative. For example the description of how he is the most powerful psychic. Clearly this is information you'd like to get accross but boldly stating it seems clunky, when writing things like this it is better to show rather than tell or at least fit it in a part where there is less exposition. Similarly connecting sentances with "and then he" type openings (in this case "then he realised") makes for stilted reading. I suggest rewording these sentances so that they flow better.

    Lastly I know that the majority of science fiction starts with a bit of in medias res in that we have descriptions of a world without knowing the context or understanding all the features described but one has to be careful to ensure that the reader still mostly paints the right picture. An example of where you have done this relatively well is the mention of an Ursine, as it is briefly mentioned and in a natural fashion we get a sense of depth to the world. Conversely the start of this piece is hard to understand, the mention of a status field, a blinking light, floating platforms and gravity fields make it very hard to understand exactly what is going on.

    That's all for now, hope it helps!
     
  5. Sep 4, 2012 #4
    Re: Writing with Imput: Eden Cronicles, Time to wake up

    Wow looks like I have a lot of work then :) I'll do some editing later today

    Actually yes and no, I'm heavily influenced by his books but my original concept came from before I read his books.

    Quite true, but this is merely a short prelude, also this happens at the end of chapter 1, from the perspective of the other main character which is the more human view point, and gives me a huge amount of flexibility to exposition without looking like I am :smile:, at least that is the intention.

    Right now so long as your not saying it total bunk and I should never write again (a Comment I would promptly ignore).

    Also your comment did help and is helping :smile:

    Since I can not edit my original post I'll be reposting
     
    Last edited: Sep 4, 2012
  6. Sep 4, 2012 #5
    Re: Writing with Imput: Eden Cronicles, Time to wake up

    Eden Chronicles, Time to wake up.
    Prelude,
    Subjectively, August 13th, 2482 ESC, 2:02pm

    It had been six hours since the stasis field was activated, and Nimbus' headache was getting worse. There is no way to turn the field off from inside, designed deliberately to make sure he could not back out. He quickly glanced up at the wall of his prison. The walls or what he views as walls were still pulsing with light blinking just quickly and bright enough to hurt his eyes, and cause the headache. From within the field it is difficult to make out what kind of room he is in, and it had changed since the last time he looked at least he thinks it had. The layers of gravity fields necessary to slow time distort the light too much to make out much details but he is almost sure that he is in some sort of large oval room.
    Nimbus was in the process of looking back down at the the only feature he could see clearly. A sculpture of Earth. When every thing went black. It took him a few seconds to register that there is a new noise now, and it isn't him that's making the sound. The field is off! He thinks to himself. But some thing was wrong, there should be no reason for deactivating the field in the dark.
    He reached out with his mind searching for the one that turned of the stasis field and immediately withdrew as a cacophony of alien minds almost overwhelmed him. Where is my people he immediately thought They should be here! They have to be here. He reached out again much more tightly controlled this time. It was better, but still almost overwhelming. Then he realized most of the minds weren't strictly speaking alien but human. Humans who's brains operate completely differently then he is used to. Then he felt it one mind, then another, then another, all who we're almost Edenite in “smell” but lacked what he would later describe as the familiar “colour” and/or “texture” of an Edenite. With closer inspection he realized that they were underdeveloped, but brimming with potential, the minds of children. Knowing what to look for now he looked for a similar “smell” and found what he believed to be the adults. He couldn't get much from them merely strong emotion, the sort of thing any one actually in the room with them would notice.
    Worried.
    Why are they worried? It can't be me no one else is here! Then he remembered the sound he heard. Some one is here and he and can still hear that sound. He focused with his telepathy on the world around him, and sensed for the origin. He is still here! But why? An agent of the council? Or an assassin out to kill him? He asks himself as he crouches down and opens a panel on the floating platform he is standing on, and activates a control causing it to lower to the ground just past the still floating sculpture. Reaching out this time with the greatest restraint he's ever needed to preform he “felt” around with his mind, There! He says to him self, on the far side of this room. He looks closer at the mind on the far side of the room and it hits him hard, the mind was closer to an Edenite then any he has felt so far, but some thing is wrong, he should have sensed it earlier, should have “smelled” it. He starts walking around the spherical gravity generators embedded into the ground in the center of the room to get closer. After a moment he realizes why he failed to sense the person on the far side the first time, who ever is on the other side is actively dampening their mind some how, not a trick many Edenites would be able to do.
    Nimbus considered his options as he approaches, he can see the blue glow of an active Edenite holo-terminal now, and a figure near it seemingly manipulating the controls at random. A figure who obviously failed to notice the lock down marker around the boards of the terminal, or perhaps doesn't know what they mean. Acting on impulse Nimbus very carefully “pokes” the mind shield to see what kind of reaction he would get. He is immediately surprised the mind resisted the attack. Then shocked, when he heard the figure gasp. He immediately knew three things now, and a picture of the events was starting to form in his head. The figure wasn't some sort of Edenite agent or Human assassin; He was a she, and young. She couldn't be more then twelve, likely younger; More importantly at least to an Edenite, she is terrified. Not of Nimbus either but of some thing else. Its been a while since Nimbus dealt directly with children but a terrified child affects all Edenites in the same way, suddenly Nimbus become fiercely protective, and paternal, in a way that would make female Ursine jealous. Unlike a Ursine how ever this only sharpened Nimbus' mental acuity. Knowing he has to gain the child's trust and quickly he starts telepathicly projecting calm and safety hoping she isn't a developed enough as a telepath to detect what he is doing. Then he approached from the side as to be clearly visible, his white clothing picking up the light from the terminal, making him practically glowing in the dark room.”Hello there” in his friendliest voice. “May I be of assistance?”
     
    Last edited: Sep 4, 2012
  7. Sep 4, 2012 #6
    Re: Writing with Imput: Eden Cronicles, Time to wake up

    OK Prelude reposted, there are many small changes I doubt I got all the mistakes corrected, especially without causing more :)

    I'll try and have Chapter one done by Friday.

    Also thanks who ever Created the New writing prefix
     
    Last edited: Sep 4, 2012
  8. Sep 5, 2012 #7

    Ryan_m_b

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    Re: Writing with Imput: Eden Cronicles, Time to wake up

    There are still a lot of tense mistakes, I think I have most of them now.
    Other than that whilst the story is intriguing the writing style is quite disjointed. There is a lot of "then he realised" and slips into first person. In addition some sentances are structured in odd ways that read more like a spoken transcript than a written piece with sentances stopping. Before starting again. I suggest you go through carefully and rather than edit the piece try to write it again so that you can see as you are writing the bits that are less like reading and more like speaking.
     
  9. Sep 5, 2012 #8

    Borek

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    To be honest with you - it reads horribly for the reasons Ryan pointed out. At first I thought it is intended to be some kind of an experimental prose and you are switching between tenses and persons intentionally, but apparently that's not the case.

    Still, you managed to catch my attention so far.
     
  10. Sep 5, 2012 #9
    Thanks,
    and No its not some kind of experimental Prose. :) although I'll have to try that as excuse some time :) And Ryan your exactly right, in that I am writing more or less as I would tell it.
    Again not an excuse but an explanation. I am dyslexic, and I have a long history of having problems expressing my self. Its actualy one of the reasons I'm working on writing this, to learn how to express myself on the page and in person better. Choosing to write a novel, well the more challenging the activity is the more fun I usually have, and the more I learn.

    Frankly I'll probably always have problems with tenses while writing this. I'll just keep fixing it as best I can.

    In the end I'm slapping a two week limit on revisions else I'll fall into the trap of endless revisions. Trust me the first two chapters have been written about eight times now, and each time I just kept fixing my grammar till I got depressed, frustrated and just stopped writing. :)

    So you guys don't need to keep guessing at how I'm trying to write (if that makes sense) I'm trying to write in Third-Person limited subjective

    On that note I'll see if a friend of mine (a Lit Major) will come over and help me out on the next set of revisions. He's learning to be less critical :)
     
    Last edited: Sep 5, 2012
  11. Sep 5, 2012 #10
    Well here is Mark 3 of the Prelude.

    I hope it reads better me and my friend fought for close to two hours over wording, and specific wording of telepathy

    Then he rewrote a section that was perfectly fine, Then I rewrote it back to its original meaning, so we are all good! :)

    Also Chapter One is progressing well, but might have to wait till next week. :)
     
  12. Sep 5, 2012 #11
    Eden Chronicles, Time to wake up.
    Prelude,
    August 13th, 2482 ESC, 2:02pm (subjective)

    After six hours inside the stasis field, Nimbus' headache began to get worse. There was no way to turn the field off from inside. He had designed it that way to make sure he could not back out at the last minute. Nimbus stopped rubbing his temples and looked up at the walls of his prison. The curtains of force around him were still pulsing with light just quickly and brightly enough to hurt his eyes, and probably the source of the headache. From within the field it is difficult to make out what was happening outside the field and the scenery had changed since the first time he tried to peer past the energy surrounding him. The layers of artificial gravity fields that surrounded him slowed the flow of time and distorted visible light too much to make out hardly any detail but he was increasingly certain he was now inside some sort of large oval room.

    Nimbus turned his gaze to the only feature he could see clearly. A sculpture of planet Earth. Suddenly, every thing went black. After a few seconds he distinctly heard a noise. He shouldn't have been able to hear anything except his own breathing and a slight hum. The field is off! Nimbus realized. Some thing was wrong, there should be no reason for the room to be completely dark when the field was deactivated.

    Nimbus reached out with his mind, searching for the one that turned of the stasis field and immediately withdrew as a cacophony of alien minds almost overwhelmed him. Where are my people... he immediately thought ...They should be here! They have to be here. He reached out with his mind again, this time much more tightly controlled. It was better, but still almost overwhelming. Then he realized most of the minds weren't strictly speaking “alien” but human. The minds before him were humans minds but their brains operated very differently from what he was used to. He began to examining one mind, then another, then another, then another, until he ran into a familiar “scent”. In one area most of the people “smelled” like an Edenite but lacked the corresponding “colour” or “texture”. Upon closer inspection he realized that many of those minds were underdeveloped, but brimming with potential, the minds of children. Now that he knew what he was looking for, he looked for a similar “scent” and found what he believed to be the adults. Even with closer examination he couldn't get much from them apart from the sort of strong emotion any one actually in the room with them would notice.

    Extreme worry.

    Why are they worried? It can't be me - they're kilometres away! Then Nimbus remembered the sound he heard when the field shut down. Something alive had made that sound and was probably still nearby. He focused with his telepathy on the world around him, and sensed for the origin. He is still here! But why? An agent of the council? Or an assassin out to kill me? Nimbus asked himself as he crouched down and opened a panel on the floating platform he was standing on. He tapped some instructions into the concealed touchscreen and the platform lowered gently to the ground. The Sculpture of Earth, however, remained floating. He reached out with his mind one more time with the considerable restraint and gingerly “felt” around for the source of the noise. There! On the far side of this room. Using his telepathy, he “looked” more closely at the mind on the far side of the room and realized that this mind was closer to an Edenite then any he had felt so far. Something was wrong though and he should have sensed it earlier, should have “smelled” it from the beginning. As he was moving around the spherical gravity generators embedded into the center of the room it became clear to him why he failed to sense a person in the same room as himself despite being able to sense minds kilometers away. The mind on the other side of the generators was dampening its output. Which was something that most Edenites would never willingly do.

    Nimbus considered his options as he rounded the gravity generators. As he came around them he could see the blue glow of an active Edenite holo-terminal, complete with user. The figure at the controls seemed to be manipulating the controls at random. This figure did not seem to notice the “lock down marker” around the outer border of the terminal, or perhaps just didn't know what the marker meant. Overwhelmed with curiosity, Nimbus very carefully “poked” the mind shield to see what kind of reaction he would get. At first, it appeared as if nothing happens. The shield didn't react to his metal tap at all, the figure did. It reacted in a way that shocked Nimbus.

    It started to cry.

    Then it hit him, the figure wasn't some sort of Edenite agent or Human assassin; He was a she, and young. She couldn't be more then twelve, likely younger; More importantly, she was terrified. Not of Nimbus, but of some thing else. It had been months since Nimbus could remember dealing directly with children but a terrified child affects all Edenites in the same way: suddenly Nimbus became fiercely protective and paternal in a way that would make female members of even an Ursine species deeply jealous. Unlike a Ursine how ever this instinctive parental drive only sharpened Nimbus' mental acuity rather than sent him into a violent frenzy. Seeking to gain the child's trust and end the cause of her problems, Nimbus immediately began telepathically projecting feelings of calm and safety in the hope she wasn't a developed enough as a telepath to detect where those feelings were coming from. Next he made sure to approach the girl from an angle that made him clearly visible. His white clothing picked up the light from the terminal and made him practically glow in the dark room. “Hello there” he said in a warm, friendly voice. “May I be of assistance?”
     
  13. Oct 8, 2012 #12
    Hi :) PF is a great place to get advice for the scientific considerations within your story. But if you desire advice on writing science fiction in general... may i recommend the 'Aspiring Writers' section of these forums: http://www.sffchronicles.co.uk/forum/
    Lots of people will be willing to read through and critique your work.

    However, take note that you will be required to have a post count of 30+ to be critiqued. This is to stop people from 'taking' advice without giving any. You are encouraged to provide feedback on other peoples work. The best way to get your post count up to 30 is to go and tell other people what you think of their writing (constructively ;). This way, you can be sure the input is reciprocal. :)
     
  14. Oct 8, 2012 #13

    Evo

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    Sounds like people patting each other on the back.
     
  15. Oct 8, 2012 #14
  16. Oct 8, 2012 #15

    Evo

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    I just find it rather odd that someone should be required to post a bunch of potentionally worthless "critiques" in order to get feedback. It's a problem I find with websites that have no criteria for judging the merits of a person's posts. One valuable opinion is better than a hundred "had to post something just to get my post count up" posts.

    I'm not saying that some people don't have valuable opinions, it's just that forcing a certain "number" of posts is only going to increase the noise to signal ratio.
     
  17. Oct 8, 2012 #16
    Ok i understand. There definitely can be a culture of back patting in some arenas. This is not the case with above site. It's not simply 'well done Bill!', 'nice one Bob!'. Which is indeed worthless (apart from perhaps self esteem). I would call that more 'show and tell'.

    Note that this was my reasoning for their 30 post rule. Having just read their guidelines, they actually give a different reason...

    And the feedback given really is quality IMO. Both on technical writing issues as well as advice on character development, world building, tempo, feel, etc, etc.
    They don't require or ask the 30 qualifying posts to be crits of others work. They do point out however that while we may not all be accomplished story tellers, we are all good story consumers. And any kind of constructive input can be useful to the writer...

    So i stress there is no requirement to crit other peoples work.
    I think the 30 post count is to weed out people who aren't really contributing as they have had allot of people signing up, posting huge lengths of text, expecting it to be proof read, and then running. Creating allot of work for the regulars, to the detriment of their own pursuits. I see this as a similar problem PF has with posting of personal theories/conspiracies. The site moderators have deemed it necessary to control some of what is posted. And that i respect.

    In short, yes there can be a danger of 'patting each others backs'. No i don't think that is the culture at Chronicles. Any readers opinion can be useful to the writer (quality of input helps for sure). And I think the moderators are justified in exacting that 30 post requirement.
     
  18. Oct 8, 2012 #17

    Evo

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    Ah, much different, they want people that have a true interest in meaningful participation.
     
  19. Oct 8, 2012 #18
    Yes. I didn't make that clear, sorry.

    P.S note the OP is now on the third draft of his excerpt. Where else can you find like-minded people who are dedicated enough to hack away at multiple drafts of the same piece, always seeking improvement in a friendly and encouraging environment.

    http://www.sffchronicles.co.uk/forum/ :biggrin:

    Advice on science in fiction = Physics Forums
    Advice on science fiction writing = Chronicles (and PF :)

    I have also pointed out PF to aspiring writers as a place to seek advice, fwiw.
     
  20. Oct 17, 2012 #19
    Nimbian, i have met a new friend that is also dyslexic she uses "dragon naturally speaking" (voice to text software) to write everything on the computer, i must also say it is of a great feat to write a novel as a dyslexic i have seen my friend write without using a voice to text type program and it is close to impossible to read and it frustrates her constantly.

    Dont give up, also i do have to agree with the others in terms of current and past events in the same sentence but i only see that if i analise and dont just read your work, I am no english teacher or anything of the sort (i usually dont read books at all) but i find this story quite interesting!

    keep up the good work!
     
  21. Nov 8, 2012 #20
    Thanks Every one. I haven't given up. I just have no time at the moment, due to a new Job.

    Hopefully I can get Chapter 1 up before December.
    I'll look into Dragon Naturally speaking and into the other forum that was suggested when I have more time.

    and again Thanks for the support
     
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