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Futility of self-pride and indignation

  1. Oct 7, 2006 #1
    Greetings!




    What I'm about to write is not easy to say but as you've probably already realized the futility of self-pride and indignation, it should be easier to understand. Being relatively anonymous it should less likely be taken as self-praise. Either way, regardless of any "reality", one can assume a statement to be true and respond according to that belief.


    According to my mother, since the early years if, for example, I couldn't immediately figure out how to do something with a toy, then instead of throwing it aside I'd patiently ponder until it could be figured out. I would always have my nose cleaned, put the bottom welts of all shirts in their respective pants layer-by-layer and close each of the any kind of buttons, studs and seals that could be found on them.
    I would draw things rather precisely, often tracing rulers and other even objects for regular shapes or using them as a guide for irregular, hand-drawn things. When younger, I'd even attempt drawing inherently irregular organic humanoid figures merely by rulers. I'd calculate precise proportions for which the required fractional intervals weren't present on a ruler and would have to be measured by eye. ...would have liked to have a ruler with 0.1 millimetre or shorter intervals.
    When given something like a box of candies then I'd offer everyone nearby. Did not want to eat meat( including fish ) not liking the idea of animals being hurt. Have always liked to deal with adults more than my own-agers for they could be talked to and learnt from.
    I have always loved to think creatively and invent-design-optimize all kinds of systems. In the beginning I used to think more about simpler things such as mechanical devices with gears as well as laws and governing that'd be rightful and consistent. Wanted to be a president so as to put those things in use until I realized that a president isn't a king, possessing no real say on things. Have wanted to be a scientist afterwards.
    Didn't live together with my father. Daily, I'd ask my mother, "When will dad come?". He used to visit me once every month or two. In order to phone him, I'd first have to call an operator giving them a callback number that would show up on his pager. Could forward text messages later on. My mother told him to call the child himself, about which he asked, "What do I say?", she tried to explain that I'd talk to him myself.

    I did not need sleep during daytime. In kindergarten I'd just silently lie down there thinking the ~3 hours of rest-time every day never falling asleep.
    Would be bullied. Did not defend myself and if I'd even accidentally happen to hurt anyone then I'd apologize several times and be incapacitated( especially from competitive action ) for a while myself feeling pain. Would always forgive everything when asked and most without asking. ...I remember a conversation...
    me : "I forgive forever."
    another child : "I forgive only once."
    One time 2 boys would lie me down on my back in the sandbox and start burrowing me in there. Whenever I'd attempt to rise up they'd push me back down. I'd only use my back trying to rise, thinking it would not be righteous using hands to aid lifting not to even think about pushing them away. In the end, one other kid reported it to the nursery school teachers.

    At school, while in class I'd often ask questions. If there'd be any text then no matter whether it was to be read out aloud, retold or studied, I'd read it once and remember almost every detail, sometimes also the original wording and text layout. ...times later as well.
    The 2nd and 3rd form, dancing was taught. Although I wasn't pleased with such an activity, the teacher said, "You have a very good sense of rhythm.".
    In a younger form when my class was rehearsing for a school theatre play in the assembly hall I'd notice some other teacher who was discussing with my class teacher telling how "this one does well" at the same time pointing at me. Later on I've overheard people talking that I'm supposedly a good actor.
    Didn't have trouble writing poems and finding where pieces might have rhymed or worded better.
    In physical education, I wouldn't find meaning in competitive sports and thus didn't perform well. ...Although could beat most in arm-wrestling. Also could lift more weight and keep balance longer, wasn't as fast of a runner though.
    Been very saving with money, especially concerning spending for myself. ...For instance, not wasting on the miscellaneous food-stuff others would purchase daily.
    Probably like most of us here, when reading, for example, a science book then I'd often think up things that I'd end up reading pages later. By that time, I'd think more about things oriented towards mathematics, physics, programming and the likes. Meanwhile, biology seemed interesting in a similar way to reading a storybook. I'd read ahead in school-books, also read those of older forms. Interestingly enough, sometimes the forms would come in reverse order.
    Have heightened senses.
    Can wait, sitting in one place, without getting bored. ...like the ~9 hours alone by the door to a doctor's office.
    Adapting to new situations easily. No trouble sleeping in new places.
    Been asked if I'd practice faces in front of the mirror and told "You should because it comes out well for you.".
    Bullying would include beating, the only real reason being lack of retaliation on my part. If sometimes, I even could condition myself so as to take any action, they'd run away and the next time we'd get close by I'd feel no inclination, and perhaps guilt, to bring it up. The only thing I could do when things got really ferocious was, in case of a single attacker, to grasp their appendages and wait for the end of the break hoping a teacher would come by. ...Meanwhile, that couldn't preclude spitting, though. After school they'd have even more freedom so I'd often try to get clothes from the wardrobe( would carry them with me later on ) and run home as fast as possible or stay longer so it'd be more likely for them to be left when I step outside. Sometimes, things were done to me and afterwards the teacher was told as if it had been the other way around. During a period of ~7 years, it'd count ~2 school-days when I wouldn't be messed with physically nor told things. Nonetheless, haven't missed school without a health-related reason.
    Wouldn't hang outside with others practicing destructive behavior. Never been drunk nor tried smoking.
    My father got a farm. ...Could visit him there. He says I am greedy, afraid of work, thinking too much of myself, too self-confident, a sponger, mendacious and such. Came back crying from most visits but still went there again after some time. But he is not a bad person. He says, "I pronounce the truth directly. Beautify anything I will not.".

    It'd start to show as health-related issues. Would be compulsively obsessed with things related to symmetry and perfection. It's like having a tremendous urge to perform a movement or thought. ...Can be compared to intensive itching. ...ignoring it leads to anxiousness and difficulty in doing anything else. There'd be things like washing hands over and over feeling it wasn't clean enough as well as mentally breaking uneven objects into smaller, more even parts. When hand-writing, I'd trace individual letters over and over in order to make them more uniform. It could go until there was a hole in the paper and sometimes I would continue on( and into ) the table. It was easier to write on the computer.
    More direct effects started to appear. At first there were somewhat physical kind of issues such as headaches and giddiness. Later on, dominating would be sadness, lack of motivation and loss of interest in more or less anything. For a while even my own projects seemed void of sense, not to talk about stuff like eating. Never lost the ability to think though. It'd gradually lead from managing to attend school most days to once in several months.
    Still... Around that time, wondered why should that accordion I got at home just lie about. Before that I could tell if music pitches were different or would fit a given melody but wasn't sure which one was higher than another. In about half a year, was able to figure out most pieces by ear or sight on accordion, synthesizer and piano using each hand. Might not have taken so long under normal circumstances.
    Would be tired no matter the amount of rest.
    It started to affect reading. Even printed letters are noticeably unalike and imperfections in written characters would disturb. Had to mentally cut them to components that's be more symmetric than the whole in order to move on. Would also reread individual words, sentences and whole paragraphs being afraid I'd miss something. It took ~4 hours to read 10 pages of largely known text, in the end being more tired, having to fight myself at the same time, than someone who'd read times as much. It is easier with digital text. When writing on the computer, I'd sometimes delete and retype the same.
    Teachers were assigned to visit me at home for a couple of months. Often I'd manage to read but a part of the required material, deriving the rest on the run or relying or prior knowledge. Got all maximum marks though. Wasn't happy about the situation with knowledge being more important than grades for me.
    Could sit there in front of the computer all day long trying to get something done. At the end of the day, though, sometimes hadn't even managed to open up the required applications. Per day I'd accomplish what would constitute about an hour of productive work for an average person.
    The only thing that seemed to change anything was if I could( many ( especially maths- ) teachers I've encountered aren't really interested in their subject and are merely working ) teach something to a teacher or discuss things more in depth. ...would feel energized and able to work for several hours. Once, even explaining my mother the meaning of topology to clarify the teacup-versus-donut dilemma made it a bit better for some time.
    Issues are fluctuating over time. Has gotten a little better in respect to reading.
    Around 2 years before college-age, I discovered the possibility to attend lectures at the university( it is nice to ask the professor if they don't mind and they're glad if someone is actually interested in listening to what they've got to say ). Things taught there were much more interesting than those of normal school. Sitting in the audience I would feel a mixture of bliss, yearning and sadness knowing how much has been lost. Haven't been there much though as travelling the distance on foot and by bus is straining so that by the time I've reached home the capacity I gathered has vanished. Would have been there often had I known it some years earlier.
    Wanted to publish my first paper concerning mathematics and thus philosophy and physics before the age of 18. Having it thought out for over a year but being hindered from writing efficiently, I'm turning 18 soon.
    Objectively, I'm trying to affirm myself. Actually, though, often doubt if I really am able or good enough. Maybe my father is right.


    You see the situation, it being complex to disclose anything or seek aid especially concerning that the one who knows doesn't talk about it. What would you recommend?
    Sarcastic comments can be made but one doesn't have to truly mean such. Can remove the post should it not be welcome. Won't wish the vile to anyone.
    Tried to minimize usage of words like "me", "I", "my" and other forms. Could have written in third person, however this would've made comprehending the text more complex. I am sorry for not expressing myself as well as one should, English is not my first language. Feel free to point out any mistakes or better ways of phrasing. ...will be glad to learn.
    I apologize for any inconveniences.




    Wish all of you the best there could ever be.
     
    Last edited: Oct 7, 2006
  2. jcsd
  3. Oct 8, 2006 #2
    this is way too long , maybe you could have separated your question from your whole life story. so to sum up am i right in saying that you want to publish(to sum up) ?
    i think this topic has popped up already , check through previous threads while you wait for a reply.
     
    Last edited: Oct 8, 2006
  4. Oct 8, 2006 #3

    0rthodontist

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    It sounds to me (a complete layman) like you might have obsessive-compulsive disorder
     
  5. Oct 8, 2006 #4
    Greetings, my friends!




    Thank you for replying, Michealsmith. You are right, I apologize. Trying to do that.

    At the moment it is more about fixing what hinders me from publishing or really doing anything at all.

    Thank you for reading it, 0rthodontist! You are right.


    Is there any way to delete one's post, rename one's thread or delete a thread altogether?

    What's with the 1440-minute policy?




    All the best!

    zilchonymous
     
    Last edited: Oct 8, 2006
  6. Oct 8, 2006 #5
    I suggest that you abandon all hopes of becoming a scientist and become a horrible comedian instead.

    I will admit though...

    me : "I forgive forever."
    another child : "I forgive only once."

    that made me laugh.


    Ps- orthodontist, I like your sig, lol.
     
    Last edited: Oct 8, 2006
  7. Oct 8, 2006 #6

    arildno

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    Dearly Missed

    I think you sound like I wonderful person, zilcho. You are kind and gentle, that is not the same as being a coward.
    You have a strong sense of beauty and symmetry, and you also come out as very intelligent.

    To be frank, it sounds like you have been raised in an environment that is not sufficiently stimulating to you, and that is very sad. I would advise you to find youth groups around you that share similar interests as you.

    I'm not going to say you are sick or something, because I don't think you are, whatever others or yourself might think.

    My very best wishes to you,
    Arild.
     
  8. Oct 8, 2006 #7
    After reading arildno's post I came to the conclusion that your post MAY have been truthful... while it does sound very unplausible to me, if your story is really true, I meant no offense... I read the first couple paragraphs of your post and dismissed it as being a joke the blatant weirdness of your post(you must admit... it's odd for someone to post such an in depth story like that.) Anyways, I hope I did not offend you.
     
  9. Oct 9, 2006 #8
    Greetings, Checkfate and Arildno!



    Arildno, thank you for such a kind reply!

    Maybe something could be done posteriorly.

    Wish You the same and also the absence of everything foul.

    Carefully thought through all generalizations to minimize any chance of falsity.

    I admit.

    Guess you are right.

    Didn't offend.
    Don't think badly of you.

    Wish You the best, too, Checkfate!


    Newer( clarified , shorter ) version of this post at
    http://www.thescienceforum.com/viewtopic.php?p=40966#40966
    being unable to edit here.



    Good luck with your endeavors!

    zilchonymous
     
    Last edited: Oct 10, 2006
  10. Oct 9, 2006 #9
    What's wrong with a wonderful person being a bit sick?

    I dunno, Zilcho, I'm not a professional. But you agreed that "it" is OCD? Are you treating it?
    If it's hindering you from doing anything at all...
    You sound like the kind of guy that the world doesn't need hindered!
    Go get "it", man.
     
  11. Oct 10, 2006 #10
    Good to hear :)
     
  12. Oct 13, 2006 #11
    Hey, Mbrmbrg!



    It's all of
    • obsessive compulsive disorder
    • deep depressiveness
    • loss of motivation
    • tiredness regardless of any rest
    together, each intensifying the others.

    Yes.
    ...Although psychiatrists and medications don't seem to change much.

    Thank you for the support!
    I'll try.



    Hope to talk to you soon.

    zilchonymous
     
  13. Oct 13, 2006 #12
    Is there a condition, where you lack motivation?

    Cause i know i should be doing something that i need todo or want todo, but i never actually do it. And if i do, it's never completely finished to what i expect.
     
  14. Oct 14, 2006 #13
    well lack of motivation can be caused by deppression, or it can be caused by you not caring about what your working on. If you feel it may be the former and its an ongoing problem Id say stop a psyhologists office, and if its the latter you should take different courses and or carreers.


    Also some important advice in reguards to psychological health, one of the most important things in life is to have a social life, its a need thats been engrained into our genetic code since the first apes started working together. And if your not meeting that need your going to have emotional and or psychological problems.
     
  15. Oct 14, 2006 #14
    1) Lethargy :p

    2) Depression

    I think I suffer from the latter, but it comes and goes so I don't know what to do about it.
     
  16. Oct 16, 2006 #15
    I probably suffer both. Though I've had the possibly cross my mind a number of times and mentioned it to my parents. However my parents say there is nothing wrong with. So if i possess the intelligents from the feed back I get, whats wrong with me? why can't I sit down and be motivated todo the work?
     
  17. Oct 16, 2006 #16

    0rthodontist

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    whitay:
    Your parents don't know everything. Are you social?
     
  18. Oct 16, 2006 #17
    Only until this year have i become social and associate people who have similar dispositions as me. Up until grade 11 I was essentially bullied a majority of the time.
     
  19. Oct 17, 2006 #18
    Hiya!



    Thanks for writing Lunarmansion, Whitay, CPL.Luke and Poop-Loops!


    Hasn't always been this way here, though. ...and doesn't have to be.

    Thanks! Wish You the same and then some!

    Thought more about finding advice.

    It's a side-effect of other issues.

    Interested in everything that can be thought about creatively, deeply and widely.

    Been doing that. ...Doesn't seem to change much in the current case however.

    A good idea!



    May you succeed!

    zilchonymous
     
    Last edited: Oct 17, 2006
  20. Oct 17, 2006 #19
    I finally got around to reading your entire post zilchonymous. You definitely sound like the type of person that could accomplish great things in your lifetime. But please don't pressure yourself so much! I can understand how you feel like you want to contribute to society, we all do, or at least most of us! But don't let it ruin your life. I admire your interest and dedication towards mathematics, but I think that if you relaxed a bit, you would be happier. Do you play any board games or anything? Maybe we could sit down and play a game of chess on the net or something.
     
  21. Oct 17, 2006 #20
    Maybe that's part of your problem. What about the stuff that's stupid, shallow and ultimately pointless, but people do anyway? If you have a deliberate moratorium on, say, alcohol, I'd strongly suggest lifting it. That's not to say 'a well-adjusted person should drink' but merely everything has its value even if that value is simply learning why not to do it. Personally, it helps me relax.

    Perhaps most importantly, I'd have to say this: You are not a genius. You are merely brighter than average, perhaps even very bright. That goes for most of the people on this forum. We are a severely flawed creation, we have weaknesses, and a good brain is far from all that's needed for a fulfilling life. You can't think your way out of human problems. Go with the flow, as it were.

    Now, I'm not in any way a psychologist, so take this bit with extreme caution. I have a hypothesis on something that may help you.

    Spend time with someone you trust and who understands you, someone who is outgoing, intelligent and happy in their lifestyle. Ask them to gently point out any behavioral oddities you display in day-to-day life, anything illogical, fussy, nonsensical or otherwise out of the ordinary. Use this information. Allow yourself to casually discard unnecessary actions or thoughts, and pay them no further heed. Don't force this; it only works when you're ready to dump them.

    Hope that helps!
     
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