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Gorillas should be America's professional football players

  1. Aug 3, 2008 #1
    It has always been a mystery to me why so many Americans idolize professional athletes. Football and basketball players are especially idolized.
    Why don't we just go further down the evolutionary ladder and have gorillas be our professional football players? I think that humans could train gorillas to play football in fairly decent adherence to the rules if the gorillas were trained to play those sports from birth. With all due respect to America's professional athletes (I would play professional football too if I were big enough, and someone would pay me millions of dollars per year to play it.), it's not rocket science.

    The average male gorilla is six feet tall and weighs 450 lbs. Female gorillas are far smaller, averaging only about 200 pounds. Males would be much better football players.Gorillas are vegetarians, and, as a consequence, they have a very low body fat percentage. I suspect that the average male gorilla could bench press 1,000 pounds.
    If we're going to watch football, why not watch the best possible football players: gorillas? Give a gorilla the football, and I think no five men could tackle him.

    I have researched this topic on the internet. All the sources that I saw are in agreement that the average gorilla can bench press 4,000 pounds! The strongest men on the face of the earth cannot bench press 1,000 pounds!
    Why don't we just go further down the evolutionary ladder and have gorillas be our professional football players, and why not idolize gorillas as our best athletes, not humans? If I were going to idolize someone for their strength and speed, I would rather idolize the far more deserving gorilla than a human.
  2. jcsd
  3. Aug 3, 2008 #2
    Another huge advantage of having gorilla athletes: hundreds of millions of salary dollars would be free for more useful endeavors.
  4. Aug 3, 2008 #3
    Aren't they already?
  5. Aug 3, 2008 #4
  6. Aug 3, 2008 #5
    why don't we have beautiful women and models play football?
  7. Aug 3, 2008 #6
    They don't like football.
  8. Aug 3, 2008 #7


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    Then how about female gorillas? Then everyone gets what they want.
  9. Aug 3, 2008 #8
    This thread is retarded.
  10. Aug 3, 2008 #9
    Mr. Stickythighs, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I've ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent post was there anything that could even be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this forum is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
  11. Aug 3, 2008 #10

    Math Is Hard

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  12. Aug 3, 2008 #11
    A simple 'wrong answer' would've been fine!

    stickythighs, I agree with you. Lets give a few gorillas a football, let them knock the s*** out of each other for American entertainment, and we can spend the money the old football players used to make on things that actually matter, like, I don't know, keeping 5 million people from starving each year.
  13. Aug 3, 2008 #12


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    Part of what makes people watch is the fact that they are (mostly) human. Otherwise, we'd have cheetahs and dolphins in the Olympics and it wouldn't have any better ratings than Animal Planet.
  14. Aug 3, 2008 #13


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    Or puppies in the superbowl.
  15. Aug 3, 2008 #14


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    Oooh! Puppies=cute=win!!!!
  16. Aug 3, 2008 #15
    are you talking about that wardrobe malfunction?
  17. Aug 3, 2008 #16
    This thread is stupid. Why do people who have probably never played a sport competitively knock athletes all of the time? People who know nothing about football do not know how much strategy and intelligent planning it takes to win. Football is almost like a human chess match.
    Societies have always highly valued people who can entertain them. We shouldn't underestimate just how much value entertainment has to the human psyche.
  18. Aug 3, 2008 #17
    Yes, the coaches do that part if I'm not mistaken.

    Have you ever played chess against someone who knew what they were doing?

    Tell that to some starving kid in the ghetto.
  19. Aug 3, 2008 #18
    And the players execute accordingly. And please, spare me the tears.
  20. Aug 3, 2008 #19


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    I have serious doubts you could teach gorillas the intricacies of the 3-4 defense or how to run a proper Slugo route.
  21. Aug 3, 2008 #20
    As long as there are starving kids in the ghetto, why should anyone be rich through any means? Should all Nobel prize money be sent straight to the ghetto, along with stock dividends, doctor's salaries, and lawyer fees?
  22. Aug 3, 2008 #21
    Again, you probably don't understand how intricate the game of football is. A coach may pick a play but it is up to the player to be able to read the other team's play and respond accordingly. Quarterbacks have to be able to read defenses and call audibles all of the time. Defensive players have to anticipate where the ball may go and have to respond to an audible or hard count that can throw off the timing of a defense.

    This is relevant because?

    Right, like there weren't poor people living in the Roman Empire. I bet the Romans should have spent all of their war booty feeding the poor rather than throwing weeks and weeks of games in the Circus Maximus and gladiator fights in the Colesseum. Societies always spend a filthy amount of lucre on entertainment purposes irregardless of the amount of social problems.
  23. Aug 4, 2008 #22
    Professional athletes for most competitive sports seem to be fairly intelligent. How could you not be, there's a lot going on and you need to have a quick ability to assess situations and make the right decision without hesitation as well as remember tactics/rules/etc in the heat of the moment.

    Did you not think this through or have you never played a sport?
  24. Aug 4, 2008 #23
    Because your analogy was really bad. The only connection between football and chess is a thin strand of strategy which is vastly different anyway.

    Are you trying to be ironic here?
  25. Aug 4, 2008 #24
    How to win at chess:

    1.) anticipate your opponents move

    2.) set the trap

    That is exactly how you win at football. I don't really care if you did or didn't like my analogy. The fact remains YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THE GAME OF FOOTBALL. So please just stop right now with the ignorance.

    What's funny is the fact that many of those 'poor kids living in the ghetto' happen to be some of the craziest die hard sports fans in the entire world.

    Let me guess, were you the fat kid who got lit up all of the time in dodge ball in grade school? It isn't surprising then that you hate sports.
  26. Aug 4, 2008 #25
    Really? That's how you win at chess? Why don't you stop with the ignorance? If you think one who knows nothing about football shouldn't talk about it, you should really stop talking about chess.

    Which goes right along with the Rome analogy. Panem et circenses, right?

    I'll give you a hint - enforce the belief in inner city kids that the only way out is to be a pro athlete, and *gasp* they want to be pro athletes! Many of those 'poor kids living in the ghetto' identify with athletes (and rappers, and wrongful convicts). Poor people also play the lottery; as long as we convince them to buy in, it's not really exploitation, is it?
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