Gorillas should be America's professional football players

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84 replies · 18K views
LowlyPion said:
I'd pay just to watch you get one dressed in an official football uniform with pads and helmet on.

I don't know if that would be a good idea. It could be done, but wouldn't fitting them with specific uniforms made for them be more efficient?
 
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Keyser Söze said:
I don't know if that would be a good idea. It could be done, but wouldn't fitting them with specific uniforms made for them be more efficient?

You're going to fit and dress a 600 lb animal?

You might want to be sure that he wants to be dressed in the first place.
 
(Iraq) and don't give them the idea, our coke chimp (part of a Jon Stewart joke, really great when he did it) of a president probably would.
 
Daniel Y. said:
He was quoting a movie called 'Billy Madison'. He isn't original enough to insult you properly. :P

Do I know you?
 
Not a lot of athletes at this forum it seems. I'm an athlete and I like physics, those with an 'athlete-bashing' attitude are only proving your own ignorance of the issue.
 
I agree. I was a "scholar athlete". I played football and tennis at school, and soccer and softball outside with friends. There is nothing easy about competitive sports. People who think sports are for those that don't have a brain are like you said, ignorant of the issue, or jealous of someone's ability and to compensate attempt to compare themselves to a preconceived (and incorrect) intellectual deficiency of said persons.
 
Um, I don't think so. You can't just win at football because of bulk size, you have to get over the intelligence hurdle first. A lot of humans have this problem as well...
 
Your entire team would literally be crippled 10 minutes into the game. Doesn't matter how smart you are at that point.
 
Jordan Joab said:
If it works, the U.S. Army will be sending gorillas to Irak :D

Gorillas would have no chance against rifle fire and IEDs.
 
K.J.Healey said:
Um, I don't think so. You can't just win at football because of bulk size, you have to get over the intelligence hurdle first. A lot of humans have this problem as well...

A group of gorillas playing against the best football players in history would be like the football players at the #1 college football team in the country playing against a bunch of ten year old kids. Intelligence won't matter. No matter what play you run, the gorillas could squash humans like a bug.
 
K.J.Healey said:
Um, I don't think so. You can't just win at football because of bulk size, you have to get over the intelligence hurdle first. A lot of humans have this problem as well...

I think gorillas are fairly smart animals. They can learn human sign language.
 
By the rules you're not allowed to be unnecessarily rough. Which is a rule the gorillas would have to adhere to, is it not?
 
stickythighs said:
A group of gorillas playing against the best football players in history would be like the football players at the #1 college football team in the country playing against a bunch of ten year old kids. Intelligence won't matter. No matter what play you run, the gorillas could squash humans like a bug.

This is not a correct comparison, you're assuming the gorillas are BETTER than a college football team (not just in size, but skill). This is not so.

If you're going to compare something, do it right :)

The situation is more like taking a body builder, and saying they would be good at golf, because they should be able to, with a little training, out-drive any normal human. This doesn't work though. There's a lot more to it than just drives. Get it?

There's a lot more to football than just smashing people. Have you ever played tackle football?
 
If you're good enough at mashing people, the other team will eventually forfeit.

I know there are special rules against fouling, such as grabbing the face mask or spiking with the helmet, but a gorilla would just do a regular tackle and still knock out most anybody.
 
Ok, here's how I kill this thread.

If team owners knew people were willing to pay to watch gorillas play football it would've been done ages ago. Cheaper to pay 100 bananas per season to a dumb gorilla with limited rights. Oh wait, what's that? That's the voice of thousands of enraged hippies demanding gorilla rights. Then owners would be forced to go back to humans thus forcing another one of you to create a post about how some other animal can play football.

Dolphins have higher mathematical skills than humans. They just don't have the hands to write stuff down!:rolleyes:

^ makes as much sense as football-playing gorillas.
 
Jordan Joab said:
Ok, here's how I kill this thread.

If team owners knew people were willing to pay to watch gorillas play football it would've been done ages ago. Cheaper to pay 100 bananas per season to a dumb gorilla with limited rights. Oh wait, what's that? That's the voice of thousands of enraged hippies demanding gorilla rights. Then owners would be forced to go back to humans thus forcing another one of you to create a post about how some other animal can play football.

Dolphins have higher mathematical skills than humans. They just don't have the hands to write stuff down!:rolleyes:

^ makes as much sense as football-playing gorillas.

You're just jealous that a gorilla could bench press your entire family and you can't even bench press one gorilla.
 
WarPhalange said:
You're just jealous that a gorilla could bench press your entire family and you can't even bench press one gorilla.

I can beat that gorilla 1v1 on Halo though :biggrin:

Oh yeah, gorillas have little pea shooters. I win there too!:-p
 
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Jordan Joab said:
Oh yeah, gorillas have little pea shooters. I win there too!:-p

If that's what you're shooting for, then you would want an oxyura vittata, an Argentinian lake duck, on your team.
 
stickythighs said:
Rome lasted approximately 900 years. I am not correcting you to make a point about the merits or demerits of sports. I just don't like it when people are ignorant about history. I would correct you no matter what your opinion is on sports.

By my count you are both wrong on the duration of Rome. It should start with Romulus and end with the fall of Constantinople. A degraded state is a state afterall, we aren't talking of how long ago Great Britain went defunct now aren't we. So from Romulus (753 BC) to the Fall of Byzantium to the Ottomans (1453 AD) I think you should be a bit closer to 2206 years give or take.
 
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