Gorillas should be America's professional football players

[Oberst Villa]

I don't have much time. I'll just say that Shaq didn't acquire an income a hundred and fifty times more than the average American because he works a hundred and fifty times harder than the average American. He acquired a multi-million dollar income because he was born with genetics that would make him seven feet tall.

Make Shaq a 5'1" guy like me, and he's the fry cook at McDonalds. It's the height that made the difference, not the work ethic.

And what about Einstein ? Did that guy really work that much harder than me ? Or did mother nature provide him with some extra brain cells right from the start ? I don't know. The only thing I know is that complaining about it does not make much sense.

 

[LowlyPion]

http://mlb.mlb.com/team/player.jsp?player_id=120903

That's how you measure Manny's work.

$$ - Actually that's how you measure Manny's work.

 

[LowlyPion]

And what about Einstein ? Did that guy really work that much harder than me ? Or did mother nature provide him with some extra brain cells right from the start ? I don't know. The only thing I know is that complaining about it does not make much sense.

With Einstein maybe it was circumstance that brought him to prominence. Not that he wasn't bright or didn't apply himself or that he would have not worked harder than anyone else either - just that he came upon his insights as regards to the problems he was looking at predisposed through his experience to grasp them.

Would his mind born to an Australian aborigine living a life of walkabout subsistence have contributed at all to mathematics and physics?

 

[K.J.Healey]

Some people are born with an amazing ability for music, and some small fraction of those go on to make more than average salaries because of it.
Some people are born with above average height, and some VERY VERY SMALL fraction of those go on to make more than average salaries because of it.
Some people are born with above average intelligence, and some small fraction of those go on to make more than average salaries because of it.

Some people are born with above average INSERT HERE, and some SMALL FRACTION of those go on to make very large, above average salaries.

how about this one :
The top 100 jockeys earned between $2.8 and $22.2 million in 2004, or an average of $5.7 million.

I call UNFAIR! Why should they make so much money just for being short?

Sticky, you should think things through more. I feel like you argue with very little world experience or research into your ideas. (shortsighted)

 

[Daniel Y.]

Rather than blaming sports, why don't you point the finger at the real reason why some inner city kids look up to people like pro athletes--like extremely poor public education resources, unqualified teachers, and parents who simply don't care about their children's education.

We should be spending even more money than we do now on sports.

I don't believe poor public education resources, unqualified teachers, and bad parenting warrant more dollars being wasted on sporting events. I can tell you where those obscene paychecks sports athletes receive could go to, though (improving public education resources).

I'm sure you like all of the new lab equipment and all of the scholarships at huge universities like Penn State, TX, etc. that come from the millions that are generated by their football programs. I'm sure you like all of the millions of dollars that the Greenbay Packers dump into their charities since they are a non for profit organization. Maybe if you actually had an open mind and did a cost benefit analysis you would see that the pros far outweigh the cons of placing value on sports.

We do like all of those things! It's a good start (but it's just that - a start).

I would like to say that it is much more difficult to justify the career and salary of a professional physicist or mathematician than it is to justify the salary of a pro athlete.

Your argument was good up to this point. Do we seriously need to list off the contributions physicists or mathematicians have made to deserve their salaries? Unless a 4 million-dollar-a-year football player cures AIDS or does something remarkable to improve the human condition, he doesn't deserve such a salary. The same goes for every person: sports player, scientist, or otherwise.

Is ekrim going to get an infraction for insulting me?

He was quoting a movie called 'Billy Madison'. He isn't original enough to insult you properly. :P

I have serious doubts you could teach gorillas the intricacies of the 3-4 defense or how to run a proper Slugo route.

I really don't know what plays a gorilla could be taught. I do know if I put 11 gorillas, each capable of moving weight up to 2 tons, on the field they would tear through the human team like they were rag dolls.

 

[LowlyPion]

I really don't know what plays a gorilla could be taught. I do know if I put 11 gorillas, each capable of moving weight up to 2 tons, on the field they would tear through the human team like they were rag dolls.

You at least would need to teach them to have 7 at the line of scrimmage and not moving 1 second before snapping the ball. To organize themselves in position within 25 seconds. They would have to not be offside. No crackback blocking. No illegal use of the hands.

These are not exactly things that 3rd grade gorillas can necessarily pick up.

 

[WarPhalange]

http://www.nba.com/news/survey_2007.html - Avg. height of NBA players. Notice the height has been going down

1) No, it hasn't been going down. There are plenty of years that have gone up and even surpassed the first years in that list.

2) If it has gone down, then it's only gone down by half an inch.

3) You're STILL at 6'7".

 

[Oberst Villa]

You at least would need to teach them to have 7 at the line of scrimmage and not moving 1 second before snapping the ball. To organize themselves in position within 25 seconds. They would have to not be offside. No crackback blocking. No illegal use of the hands.

These are not exactly things that 3rd grade gorillas can necessarily pick up.

hmm... maybe gorillas would suck as footballplayers, but they surely would be cool guerillas:

http://www.thekidalog.com/photos/uncategorized/2008/02/20/che_gorilla.jpg

 

[Daniel Y.]

You at least would need to teach them to have 7 at the line of scrimmage and not moving 1 second before snapping the ball. To organize themselves in position within 25 seconds. They would have to not be offside. No crackback blocking. No illegal use of the hands.

These are not exactly things that 3rd grade gorillas can necessarily pick up.

No doubt it would be hard to do. Do you think one could train the gorillas to play by these rules in, say, a year? I've seen gorillas do some pretty amazing things.

 

[LowlyPion]

No doubt it would be hard to do. Do you think one could train the gorillas to play by these rules in, say, a year? I've seen gorillas do some pretty amazing things.

I'd pay just to watch you get one dressed in an official football uniform with pads and helmet on.

 

[Keyser Söze]

I'd pay just to watch you get one dressed in an official football uniform with pads and helmet on.

I don't know if that would be a good idea. It could be done, but wouldn't fitting them with specific uniforms made for them be more efficient?

 

[LowlyPion]

I don't know if that would be a good idea. It could be done, but wouldn't fitting them with specific uniforms made for them be more efficient?

You're going to fit and dress a 600 lb animal?

You might want to be sure that he wants to be dressed in the first place.

 

[Jordan Joab]

If it works, the U.S. Army will be sending gorillas to Irak :D

 

[binzing]

(Iraq) and don't give them the idea, our coke chimp (part of a Jon Stewart joke, really great when he did it) of a president probably would.

 

[Jordan Joab]

(Iraq) and don't give them the idea, our coke chimp (part of a Jon Stewart joke, really great when he did it) of a president probably would.

According to wikipedia, President Bush played baseball and was a cheerleader.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_W._Bush

 

[ekrim]

He was quoting a movie called 'Billy Madison'. He isn't original enough to insult you properly. :P

Do I know you?

 

[Oblio]

Not a lot of athletes at this forum it seems. I'm an athlete and I like physics, those with an 'athlete-bashing' attitude are only proving your own ignorance of the issue.

 

[K.J.Healey]

I agree. I was a "scholar athlete". I played football and tennis at school, and soccer and softball outside with friends. There is nothing easy about competitive sports. People who think sports are for those that don't have a brain are like you said, ignorant of the issue, or jealous of someone's ability and to compensate attempt to compare themselves to a preconceived (and incorrect) intellectual deficiency of said persons.

 

[WarPhalange]

A gorilla would still beat you at football.

 

[K.J.Healey]

Um, I don't think so. You can't just win at football because of bulk size, you have to get over the intelligence hurdle first. A lot of humans have this problem as well...

 

[WarPhalange]

Your entire team would literally be crippled 10 minutes into the game. Doesn't matter how smart you are at that point.

 

[stickythighs]

If it works, the U.S. Army will be sending gorillas to Irak :D

Gorillas would have no chance against rifle fire and IEDs.

 

[stickythighs]

Um, I don't think so. You can't just win at football because of bulk size, you have to get over the intelligence hurdle first. A lot of humans have this problem as well...

A group of gorillas playing against the best football players in history would be like the football players at the #1 college football team in the country playing against a bunch of ten year old kids. Intelligence won't matter. No matter what play you run, the gorillas could squash humans like a bug.

 

[stickythighs]

Um, I don't think so. You can't just win at football because of bulk size, you have to get over the intelligence hurdle first. A lot of humans have this problem as well...

I think gorillas are fairly smart animals. They can learn human sign language.

 

[seycyrus]

The first question that comes to mind...

Which of you guys are being serious?

 

[K.J.Healey]

By the rules you're not allowed to be unnecessarily rough. Which is a rule the gorillas would have to adhere to, is it not?

 

[K.J.Healey]

A group of gorillas playing against the best football players in history would be like the football players at the #1 college football team in the country playing against a bunch of ten year old kids. Intelligence won't matter. No matter what play you run, the gorillas could squash humans like a bug.

This is not a correct comparison, you're assuming the gorillas are BETTER than a college football team (not just in size, but skill). This is not so.

If you're going to compare something, do it right :)

The situation is more like taking a body builder, and saying they would be good at golf, because they should be able to, with a little training, out-drive any normal human. This doesn't work though. There's a lot more to it than just drives. Get it?

There's a lot more to football than just smashing people. Have you ever played tackle football?

 

[WarPhalange]

If you're good enough at mashing people, the other team will eventually forfeit.

I know there are special rules against fouling, such as grabbing the face mask or spiking with the helmet, but a gorilla would just do a regular tackle and still knock out most anybody.

 

[Jordan Joab]

Ok, here's how I kill this thread.

If team owners knew people were willing to pay to watch gorillas play football it would've been done ages ago. Cheaper to pay 100 bananas per season to a dumb gorilla with limited rights. Oh wait, what's that? That's the voice of thousands of enraged hippies demanding gorilla rights. Then owners would be forced to go back to humans thus forcing another one of you to create a post about how some other animal can play football.

Dolphins have higher mathematical skills than humans. They just don't have the hands to write stuff down!

^ makes as much sense as football-playing gorillas.

 

[WarPhalange]

Ok, here's how I kill this thread.

If team owners knew people were willing to pay to watch gorillas play football it would've been done ages ago. Cheaper to pay 100 bananas per season to a dumb gorilla with limited rights. Oh wait, what's that? That's the voice of thousands of enraged hippies demanding gorilla rights. Then owners would be forced to go back to humans thus forcing another one of you to create a post about how some other animal can play football.

Dolphins have higher mathematical skills than humans. They just don't have the hands to write stuff down!

^ makes as much sense as football-playing gorillas.

You're just jealous that a gorilla could bench press your entire family and you can't even bench press one gorilla.

 

[falc39]

the trolling on this thread is so obvious

where are the mods?

 

[Jordan Joab]

You're just jealous that a gorilla could bench press your entire family and you can't even bench press one gorilla.

I can beat that gorilla 1v1 on Halo though

Oh yeah, gorillas have little pea shooters. I win there too!

 

[LowlyPion]

Oh yeah, gorillas have little pea shooters. I win there too!

If that's what you're shooting for, then you would want an oxyura vittata, an Argentinian lake duck, on your team.

 

[johnpmc]

Rome lasted approximately 900 years. I am not correcting you to make a point about the merits or demerits of sports. I just don't like it when people are ignorant about history. I would correct you no matter what your opinion is on sports.

By my count you are both wrong on the duration of Rome. It should start with Romulus and end with the fall of Constantinople. A degraded state is a state afterall, we aren't talking of how long ago Great Britain went defunct now aren't we. So from Romulus (753 BC) to the Fall of Byzantium to the Ottomans (1453 AD) I think you should be a bit closer to 2206 years give or take.

 

[russ_watters]

No point in resurrecting a low quality, year-old thread. Locked.