DanP
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rewebster said:Think of it another way, would you go with her to a 'male' strip club?
This would be gay with capital G.

rewebster said:Think of it another way, would you go with her to a 'male' strip club?
Monique said:No, most of my friends are male and the relationships are platonic. The difference is that they are part of a larger group, if a male were to walk up to me and say "I want to be friends with you" I'm not naive enough to believe that it would stay platonic. If the situation were to come up, I'd hang out with a larger group of people and leave it at that. I'm not being paranoid, just realistic.
DanP said:This would be gay with capital G.![]()
DanP said:and ending with sex.
DanP said:Good. Respect,in the wild, will never keep a couple together. Its a fairy tale. What keeps a couple together is accomplishment for both, on multiple planes. Starting with social and economical demands, and ending with sex.
monique said:GeorginaS made some good points, tell her how you feel so that she can be sensitive to your feelings.
DanP said:Monique, isf there is anything you think I should tell to Georgiana about my feelings send me a PM :P i was never aware till now that Georgiana has to be soft on my little puppy soul. Thanks for tip, anyway.
DanP said:Monique, isf there is anything you think I should tell to Georgiana about my feelings send me a PM :P i was never aware till now that Georgiana has to be soft on my little puppy soul. Thanks for tip, anyway.
This is ridiculous. If you have anything to tell me, do it directly, don't involve Georgiana.
Monique said:No, most of my friends are male and the relationships are platonic. The difference is that they are part of a larger group, if a male were to walk up to me and say "I want to be friends with you" I'm not naive enough to believe that it would stay platonic. If the situation were to come up, I'd hang out with a larger group of people and leave it at that. I'm not being paranoid, just realistic.
I have experiences that prove it otherwise, so I might be biased. I thought I had platonic male friends, who I would talk to on a daily basis and hang out with. The moment I began seriously dating my boyfriend they completely disappeared out of my life and would not even return the simplest communication. I've also been in a relationship and have other guys wanting to be "friends". It's what let me believe that it is just not possible. Of course it is OK to hang out once in a while, but you wouldn't do that every day and hang on the telephone all night right?Moonbear said:Really? A woman can't hang out with a male except in a group without it becoming non-platonic? I'd have to disagree with that. I have many male friends, and have done things with them just one at a time as well as in groups. This has never changed the relationship to non-platonic.
Though, I think it is somewhat related to age and relationship status. When I was younger and totally unattached, sure, if an unattached male spent time with me solo and not part of a group, it generally led to non-plantonic-ness. But that's because we were both at an age and stage of life where we were looking for people to form romantic relationships with.
Now, I'm comfortably in a long-term relationship and it doesn't even cross my mind to think about attraction when doing things solo with other men other than my boyfriend. Of course, if they're feeling something they aren't sharing, I have no control over that, but most of the ones I'd just go out with alone are such long-time friends that they're almost like brothers to me.
It depends on the men. Many men feel that they can not have a "platonic relationship" with a woman. They seem to think that any activity with a woman that is not potentially leading to sex is a waste of time. I think that many women derive their views on "platonic relationships" from the belief and/or experience that men seem to just want to be friends when they think they have a shot at sex. So it would seem that it just requires a man that does not think any interaction with a woman ought to potentially lead to sex and a woman who is not uncomfortable with the fact that either of them may be attracted to the other.Monique said:I have experiences that prove it otherwise, so I might be biased. I thought I had platonic male friends, who I would talk to on a daily basis and hang out with. The moment I began seriously dating my boyfriend they completely disappeared out of my life and would not even return the simplest communication. I've also been in a relationship and have other guys wanting to be "friends". It's what let me believe that it is just not possible. Of course it is OK to hang out once in a while, but you wouldn't do that every day and hang on the telephone all night right?
GeorginaS said:I'm not sure I understand this comment specifically addressing the function of respect in a relationship. Can you explain this better to me, please?
couple should not stay together because of ethics, they should stay together because they respect each other.
GeorginaS said:I get the impression from this that you may have taken offense to something I wrote. If so, want to address it with me?
ViewsofMars said:I read through this topic. It made me think of an ancient card I've been saving. (I guess as a *straight* WOMAN I tend to save stuff?) I love this card! It's an antique. Very beautiful.
The card has a beautiful woman walking through a field of tulips and daffodils. Printed on this antique card is the following:
THE TWELVE AVENUES OF BLISS
AVENUE FIVE
The FIFTH AVENUE OF BLISS traverses
the cliffs of comfort. It's the pleasure
of the womanly nature to provide
comfort and solice to the dampened
manly spirit.
Honestly, I have a lot of friends that are male and female. They are *my* friends and I am their friend. Over the years we consider each other to be like a sister or brother.It's nice to have a big family that sticks together when times are good or not so great. Plain and simple, love has no closed door for those whom you care for.
I think you've realized something a fair percentage of women never seem to fathom. Whenever a guy is actively friendly toward a girl there is always an element of sexual attraction to it.Monique said:I have experiences that prove it otherwise, so I might be biased. I thought I had platonic male friends, who I would talk to on a daily basis and hang out with. The moment I began seriously dating my boyfriend they completely disappeared out of my life and would not even return the simplest communication. I've also been in a relationship and have other guys wanting to be "friends". It's what let me believe that it is just not possible. Of course it is OK to hang out once in a while, but you wouldn't do that every day and hang on the telephone all night right?
zoobyshoe said:It always surprises me when I find a girl doesn't realize a given guy, who she thinks is merely being friendly, is actually attracted to her. As a guy, I can spot the signs a mile away. In general I find that most women are twice as sensitive to body language and paralanguage than most men, yet this seems to be a fairly common blind spot in that sensitivity. I often wonder why. I suspect, sometimes, they're not really blind to it, but are so overwhelmed by how prevalent it is they have formed a kind of mental callous around it where they've lost feeling.
zoobyshoe said:Whenever a guy is actively friendly toward a girl there is always an element of sexual attraction to it.
Don't confuse disapproval with Mentallic's reactions to approval of his girlfriend's behaviour. He has good reason to be concerned. His possessive mentality is hindering communication in his relationship. He doesn't want to respect her wishes. He wants to dictate them. He doesn't want to set his own boundaries and be prepared to feel the pain of standing by his decisions. He wants to set her boundaries to avoid feeling the pain of having to stand by his own.Char. Limit said:I'm starting to wonder what some of these people think about relationships. Inferring from the comments that "she's her own person, you can't own her, let her do what she wants", is it then true that I can sleep with as many women as I want who are not my girlfriend, and if she gets angry, I can then say "you don't own me, I'm my own person"? Excellent... oh, and if this is not actually true, then you are applying a double standard, saying women should be praised for straying (Mentallic's girlfriend), while men should be vilified for the same thing (examples? pick 'em). I don't support a double standard.
TheStatutoryApe said:It depends on the men. Many men feel that they can not have a "platonic relationship" with a woman. They seem to think that any activity with a woman that is not potentially leading to sex is a waste of time. I think that many women derive their views on "platonic relationships" from the belief and/or experience that men seem to just want to be friends when they think they have a shot at sex. So it would seem that it just requires a man that does not think any interaction with a woman ought to potentially lead to sex and a woman who is not uncomfortable with the fact that either of them may be attracted to the other.
As far as a male and female being friends and neither of them being at all attracted to the other, I think that it is highly unlikely (not counting a gay man and lesbian, though I am fairly certain that most straight women with gay friends are attracted to them).
It doesn't surprise me a guy would miss it for whatever reason. It surprises me in girls because I'm otherwise always impressed by how sensitive and reactive they are to body language and paralanguage.DanP said:Its not blindness. IMO, its called not caring...
...In hindsight, it's always easy to see the signs. But then when it happens, you simply don't see them because you don't care.
What I'm saying is that when a woman finds a man actively trying to "make friends" with herthis is not really true. I am pretty friendly, even actively, towards many women. The wives of some of my friends, the girls in the local mountain rescue team, some co-workers from my previous jobs and so on, friends of my gf. It's because I'm a social animal and I enjoy society, not because I necessarily want to screw them.
For me, it's because I wish to believe that men might find me interesting as a person and seek out my friendship, but you're right, most of the time the man ended up making that final awkward move and tell me they wanted a romantic relationship, or they just disapeared.zoobyshoe said:It doesn't surprise me a guy would miss it for whatever reason. It surprises me in girls because I'm otherwise always impressed by how sensitive and reactive they are to body language and paralanguage.
What I'm saying is that when a woman finds a man actively trying to "make friends" with her
she can be confident there's an element of sexual attraction. (Of course there will be cases where there are obvious other ulterior motives, like if she's his boss and he's sucking up to get a raise, or he wants to borrow money, or if there's some social advantage to be gained by being her friend.)
Huckleberry said:Attraction isn't the same thing as sexual intent. I'm not sure if you were implying that comparison from one paragraph to the next. I have one female friend who is not attracted to me, nor me to her, and we get along quite well without physical attraction. Of course, I can't speak for her interests with complete certainty.
Usually though, I would say you are right. Where there is a male/female friendship, at least one is attracted to the other. However, the path that relationship takes to being non-platonic isn't guaranteed by the attraction even if they are both attracted to each other.
Evo said:For me, it's because I wish to believe that men might find me interesting as a person
Pattonias said:Evo it isn't that men would not be attracted to you because you are not an interesting person, it's that we are attracted to the women we find interesting.
DanP said:Yeah, would be really weird to pursue a romantic relationship with someone who you don't find interesting.![]()
Pattonias said:Attraction is not just physical.
DanP said:Sure, but whiteout physical attraction you have nothing. O, wait, you have friendship.
So best man -women friendship works when sexual tension does not exist. Either because neither have it, either because is spent in a friends with benefits type relation.
And this is why IMO we are so blind to the intentions of ppl approaching us as "friends". If you feel no physical attraction, you simply stereotype and naturally assume the friend position. Since you don't care for more, you'll just use whatever schema is in your head for the archetype you *believe* that person is.
ViewsofMars said:Honestly, I have a lot of friends that are male and female. They are *my* friends and I am their friend. Over the years we consider each other to be like a sister or brother.It's nice to have a big family that sticks together when times are good or not so great. Plain and simple, love has no closed door for those whom you care for
DanP said:Family is awesome, yes. Especially very close families. At the end of the day, no matter the disagreements you have with your family, your kin will always be there for you and support you.
Pattonias said:I could actually go along with that as a source of so many one-sided friendships. It seems like a decent assumption of what a person is thinking in that situation.![]()
ViewsofMars said:DanP, I wasn’t talking about kin. Also, you might like to consider some people don’t have relatives that are alive or live close to each other. Foremost, above all else, I'm not going to let anyone dictate to me what he or she may think what friendship is about.I'm a woman over 50 years old that has friends that are men and women that I have known for over 30 years. We are all good looking, in peak physical health, intelligent, sensible, and sensitive folk. And they most definitely are part of my family and they consider me to be part of theirs. We respect and admire each in a healthy way since we are grown-ups
DanP said:So girls, don't be subtle with us :P Use a jackhammer if need be. Saves the awkward moment later.
Pattonias said:Absolutely, I tell my girlfriend that all the time. Don't assume I understood anything that she may have hinted at. More likely than not, I did not understand. I can not be held accountable for something you did not flat out say to me. I'm not that intuitive into the girl psychi.
ViewsofMars said:DanP, I wasn’t talking about kin. Also, you might like to consider some people don’t have relatives that are alive or live close to each other. Foremost, above all else, I'm not going to let anyone dictate to me what he or she may think what friendship is about.I'm a woman over 50 years old that has friends that are men and women that I have known for over 30 years. We are all good looking, in peak physical health, intelligent, sensible, and sensitive folk. And they most definitely are part of my family and they consider me to be part of theirs. We respect and admire each other in a healthy way since we are grown-ups. We set an example for children and young adults.
DanP said:Ah, I misunderstood you. I've reread your original message and yes, you where clear in it. Sorry. I've read probably what I wanted to hear :P
ViewsofMars said:Apology accepted though I doubt you can hear me.I've also recopied my original remark since you left out from your previous message to me what I consider to be highly important information which I have now highlighed in red.
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ViewsofMars said:We set an example for children and young adults.
rewebster said:I think we need to hear from Mentallic-----
we need an update---
"That Final Awkward Move". Should be a movie title.Evo said:For me, it's because I wish to believe that men might find me interesting as a person and seek out my friendship, but you're right, most of the time the man ended up making that final awkward move and tell me they wanted a romantic relationship, or they just disapeared.
male/female friendship: n 1.) either of two types of unilateral romanceI think in a lot of male/female "friendships", one of them feels an attraction and the other doesn't. So this brings up 2 possible scenarios. Either the one that doesn't feel an attraction assumes the other person doesn't either, or they assume the other party is attracted and (unfeeling party) enjoys it, knowing it will always be one sided.
zoobyshoe said:"That Final Awkward Move".
Mentallic said:You're right. I couldn't check up for 2 days now and there's another 2 pages to read through. I'll get to it when I have the time.
Right now, there's another issue which she is burdened with. Her long time best friend which I mentioned a couple of times that said he liked her recently, well he's stopped talking to her now. He's shut himself out of her life completely and she is saddened by this.
I understand why he's doing it though. It can be too overbearing at times to like a girl that you can't have and so the easiest way is to not see her at all.
This is what I wanted that guy that tried to ask my girlfriend out to do, I wanted her to become detached from him so he can get over her. Except for her really good friend... I like the guy, and know him fairly well so I trust him with her much more than I trust the other.
rewebster said:you're playing a dangerous game ----if she sees through what you're doing/thinking, how can she trust you?
What game? He said he wishes the creep that's been hitting on his girlfriend would back off.rewebster said:you're playing a dangerous game ----if she sees through what you're doing/thinking, how can she trust you?
DanP said:I hear you, only I can't relate, at least not totally . For me blood stands above everything else(save SO, which is not blood, but its up there with blood. I guess this is called conjugal family in English) . My closest friends (which are very few and as you said the bond was made during decades) are maybe part of an "extended family", In not sure I use the proper term in English her. In a word I have a internal hierarchy for all my close social relations. In the day to day life this hierarchy doesn't mean much, it's pretty much transparent. The consequence however is that my expectations from them are slightly lower, and if need to choose ever arise, Ill choose blood without as much as a blink.
Its very nice you guys do this. I guess it has its value.
Evo said:What game? He said he wishes the creep that's been hitting on his girlfriend would back off.
Mentallic said:You're right. I couldn't check up for 2 days now and there's another 2 pages to read through. I'll get to it when I have the time.
Right now, there's another issue which she is burdened with. Her long time best friend which I mentioned a couple of times that said he liked her recently, well he's stopped talking to her now. He's shut himself out of her life completely and she is saddened by this.
I understand why he's doing it though. It can be too overbearing at times to like a girl that you can't have and so the easiest way is to not see her at all.
This is what I wanted that guy that tried to ask my girlfriend out to do, I wanted her to become detached from him so he can get over her. Except for her really good friend... I like the guy, and know him fairly well so I trust him with her much more than I trust the other.
ViewsofMars said:My suggestion is get off of the *emotional* rollercoaster ride that other individuals are creating. Temporarily detach yourself from the situation. Relax and have some fun. Try not to worry. Sometimes time itself resolves the problem.![]()
Evo said:What game? He said he wishes the creep that's been hitting on his girlfriend would back off.
DanP said:Men hit on women. Women hit on men. It makes no difference whatsoever the girl is in a relation or not. If she is willing to pursue a relation, who cares she already has a boyfriend ?
I think is unfair to expect man or women not to hit on ppl who are already involved in a relation.
DanP said:Men hit on women. Women hit on men. It makes no difference whatsoever the girl is in a relation or not. If she is willing to pursue a relation, who cares she already has a boyfriend ?
I think is unfair to expect man or women not to hit on ppl who are already involved in a relation.
Char. Limit said:Is it unfair to expect the boyfriend not to take action against this intruder?
DanP said:He cant take whatever course of action he wants. Up to and including - breaking the bones (or at least trying) of the one who is hitting on his girlfriend. Choose, act and live with the consequences.