Is It Overprotective to Limit a Partner's Friendships?

[GeorginaS]

You can safely throw subconscious down the drain.

Wow, I didn't get that memo.

I'm rather fond of my subconscious. I'm not certain I want to throw it down the drain.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

Don't forget that for the most part I agree with you. I'm arguing against an absolute position.

Don't forget that I have never made it an absolute position. You have consistently taken all of my comments which I have kept moderate and portrayed them as extreme and absolute.

Believe me, this is not my normal perception of things day to day. I spent a great deal of my life believing that women simply were not interested in me. It seems you find the idea that platonic relationships are not likely to be inappropriate and maybe vain. For me it helped me realize that when my female friend tells me that she thinks I am a good looking guy she may actually be telling the truth and not just trying to make me feel better or saying "Well I couldn't actually point one out to you but there are theoretically women out there who would find you attractive."

I am unsure why you react so strongly to the idea. Why it is that a person considering you attractive, or you them, is somehow disrespectful, inappropriate, vain, or what ever it is you seem to think it is that is so bad about it. There seems to also be a connection with your perceptions from the conversation we had before about men checking out women in that you seem to think that women need to apparently be worried or concerned that men find them sexually attractive. It seems a rather odd idea to me.

 

[tikay]

I totally agree that it is unhealthy for your girlfriend to develop an intimate relationship with another guy. You definitely should let her know how you feel, just know that you cannot force her to do anything. If she respects you she will back down on the guy, if she doesn't it would be time for you to back down on the relationship with her.

I am enjoying much insight on the thread here...some of it very wise. I have read to this post with much interest and admiration and just a bit of chagrin and some all out, downright indignation. I will just add my two cents for a minute, and then read on. Thanks all of you, for posting your honest responses, they are so interesting! I have been in many, many love relationships. I have "left them" and "been left" for so many reasons, and had long ones & short relationships, so I think I have some insight to interject.

My pet peeve in partnerships appears to be, that to many, a commitment to be in fairly consistant companionship together...a relationship, has certain "rules" and cannot be in constant flux. That we can't do this or that, to keep the love relationship alive. Love is not always bound by rules, usually it flows freely like a brook...and certainly cannot be chained.

Having said that, I was gladdened to hear that you are young, just learning about what it means to be in a committed thing, and with the slightly overly possessive ways, (that you have delved into your girlfriends various modes of communique), you seem to be really open to the idea that you will or can, change and grow, and are willing to do things differently, noting that potential "mistake" on your part. That is a lack of trust at a deeper level than i would want in any love partnership. I do not think for one minute that you meant to be invasive, and i believe that you feel you had a right at the time, as your girl seemed to be the object of another mans affections and that can be scary. But many have told you to move on and that I find is pretty radical in your situation.

Although I don't believe in hard and fast rules to loving a partner...girl, boy or hermaphrodite...I do believe you have made a decision to "not trust" the other potential suitor, and possibly not trusted your girl too. That could mire the waters a bit with her.
I personally get fairly intimate with people, i get into the stuff of life on a bus, on a plane on a train...i get into it with the guy who asked me for a cigarette, and whatever... intimacy is not doing something wrong. She can be fairly intimate, without being an untrustworthy girlfriend. She can share much, without ever needing to be scolded, made to feel bad, or be given ultimatums.

Love will ripen and grow whether sex comes into play in relationships or it does not. Alanis Morrisette once asked something along the lines of "Are you mad that I had an emotional affair?" in a song...IF this is what is bothering you, the fact she is possibly sharing her soul with someone, then maybe just think on it and work that out in your mind and with her a bit...you know?

We are making new rules in this life, and some just don't always jibe with the traditional ones. I suggest that maybe you try and get to know the guy and befriend him...and to TRUST...in this situation...trust her, trust him, and trust you. It should all work out, whether the bond you currently have becomes weakened, stregnthened or whatever. You will probably find that being possessive is BOTH very reassuring and disheartening to your girl. We women have mixed feelings about that a lot, and we like a healthy BALANCE. I tend to want a man who will not enjoy it when another man wants me, but i will not respect it in any way, if he tries to tell me I cannot make my own decisions about who i befriend...and I have recently broken the commitment bond over a mans unwarrented jealousy.

I also left another man in the past for saying that i could not be visiting with one of my male friends. I just cannot abide being told what to do as if i am enslaved or being parented. A partnership is just that, it is not ownership...

Got to get to dinner now...wishing any of this helps ya!


(Let me just add that two of my current "best friends" are past relationship partners, the one being, that guy i left over his jealous ways.)


t.k.

 

[DaveC426913]

I also left another man in the past for saying that i could not be visiting with one of my male friends. I just cannot abide being told what to do as if i am enslaved or being parented. A partnership is just that, it is not ownership...

Just curious. Where did the relationship with that male friend end up?

 

[zoobyshoe]

It is necessary for me to spend time with women I'm not (sexually) attracted to. I like some of those women. They're good people. My life has been better for knowing them. I think it is close-minded, bad, indecent, uncaring to exclude good people from one's life simply because one doesn't find them sexually attractive, not that I haven't also done that when I didn't want to deal with unwanted sexual advances.

You're pretty much confirming that I hit the nail on the head: it's necessary for your self image to get involved in friendships with women you're not attracted to. Otherwise you'd assess yourself as "close-minded, bad, indecent, uncaring," which would be very unpleasant.

Contrary to your assertion, I can be friends with women I am not sexually attracted to and still pursue women that I am sexually attracted to. It's not an all or nothing deal where I have to treat everyone the same. Different people evoke different responses. Some of those responses are platonic, not all of them.

I didn't make any such assertion. You can, obviously, have all the 'platonic' friendships with women you want and still have friendships you recognize as essentially based in attraction. The assertion I'm making is that the 'platonic' friendships are artificial constructs in the service of your self image. You want to feel that you are a nice person. It's an ethical, moral stance. I think what SA and I are saying (subject to his response) is that the reason we have to adopt ethics and morals is because the natural proclivity goes in a different direction. I think what he and I share is a recognition and admission of the natural proclivity.

I don't feel sexual desire for all women, so I must be completely platonic?

The other comment was directed at Zooby who I appear to have correctly assumed believes platonic relationships cannot and should not exist.

I'm seeing why SA is complaining about you misconstruing what he said.

 

[tikay]

Yeah, the Geiko approach to romance. You can pick any girl you want, beat up any guy who shows interest, and eventually she'll be so intimidated she'll stick with you. It could work. Or you could end up in jail. Or beaten up yourself. In any event, the fact you want her means anyone elses wishes are irrelevant. So easy even a cave man can understand it.

The problem, if it even is a problem, arose here because Mentallic doesn't understand his girlfriend. She's hanging around with this other guy because she can manifest a side of herself to him that Mentallic doesn't recognize or know how to address.

I say "if it even is a problem" because I'm not persuaded the girlfriend has any sexual interest in the other guy. She's undoubtedly primarily interested in being able to relax and talk to him in a way she can't with Mentallic. As others have warned, Mentallic's jealous behavior is the worst threat to his relationship.

My own experience is that, when I had the equanimity to give my girlfriends wide space to be friends with all other guys, they always came back to me. When I felt possessive and jealous, it drove them away. It's a trivial Chinese Finger puzzle situation.

Cavemen have a hard time with this, but the question to ask yourself if your girl seems to be enjoying a warm, intimate conversation with another guy is "What is he doing right that I am not doing?"

Having read to here now, I decided to intervene again...parts of this statement are aligned more to my thinking, such as...you might end up losing your teeth in a fight with this fellow, and girls usually like guys with most of their teeth, who have sense enough to keep them in the mouth...truth be told, so be warned! hehe

And I do believe that jail food and the awkwardness of being held captive, among (some of) the most predatory, uncouth people in the human race (albeit some fine fellows in the wrong place, at the wrong time) is not an option for someone like yourself Mentallic, so again Double~Beware of some of these suggestions!

;~})

I like to believe myself, that as humans we are evolving beyond the caveman type mentality that many of you assume is the norm. Because I was raised with an ethical standard which tells me that we humans have an ability to use a high regard for others, and forgo sexual feelings, (and pleasure) when we are wholeheartedly, soulfully bound to a person as their lover, we do not allow ourselves the right, to let sexual attraction flourish with friends, even if these feelings do come up, so it is usually best to trust people. There may be an occasional slip, where we wonder what a friend might be like in bed, or have a moment, but we do not let that type of thinking take over, or get to us. We, in kindness for our loved one "healthily repress" such notions, we thoughtfully repress said desire, and continue to be a faithful lover and partner. We understand that where our partner is concerned, if we really love them, the ethic of reciprocity is in order. Of course we all know there are exceptions, and lust sometimes wins out, but does that mean we must allow ourselves to be cheated of happiness and live suspiciously? I think not.

I like to believe, (in other words) that, if my partner may have an occasional sexual "moment" with his female friends that he would happily delay or mentally supress any real inclination to act on his momentary desire, moving on quickly to the more acceptable platonic (non-sexual) feelings and leaving that moment in the dust to die. We all have momentary lapses of reason...yet REASON, and acting reasonably should be easily accepted as the best modus operandi, in a relationship, in which both have agreed to exclude others sexually.

Regardless of the "control issues" sometimes inherant in such relationships, if we have agreed, we have agreed to be kind, and yes, we have set up certain "rules" (that in the future may seem banal and even caveman like), we DO have (somewhat flexable) rules...when we have entered into an agreement to be sexually faithful to one another. Some people don't mind partners flirting, and such and some partners allow for more obviously (swingers, open-relationships)...thus flexable.

The right thing on the girls part in your situation Mentallic, would be to merely keep you updated on her true and honest feelings, such as, (I have once or twice felt attracted to him, but that is not going to happen while i am with you, for I am committed to you...) reassuring you that you are the right guy for her at this time, thus alleviating your fears, (hopefully) and your asking for the right to these "emotional updates" i believe, is totally fair to ask.

Her updates, about how she is feeling in any given relationship should be enough for you to be happy to (so called) allow her any friendship she chooses without resorting to invasive tactics, to reassure yourself she is being faithful to you. AND maybe you will realize that perhaps she is in no way attracted to him sexually, as some of us girls are not agists, nor sexually biased, and won't exclude folks from our lives based on mere "gender roles", some of us would find that as repulsive and undesirable a trait to allow in ourselves, as being racist bigots.

I have had many male friends who i truly never would want to see in bed, (for crying out loud!) LOL, but I do love them dearly nonetheless. I also know for a fact, that I have been friends with men who didn't sexually desire me. It just does not always come up. We are not heathens. We are humans.

Life is more complex than that. Some women are drawn to those who are like a father figure, a brother, an uncle, one friend to talk to about certain things, another friend who is good at something else...who each gives us sustenance in various ways, just like women pals do. A former tomboy~ I would not enjoy life so much if i left men out of it, when i am in a love thing with someone, and it isn't fair or right to ask a woman to stop loving men on various levels. So I'm just saying that I am not sure that relationships are as terribly simple as many are surmising in these posts. Basically, broken down, when I enter a love affair, exclusivity is a sort of vow to myself as much as to the guy, that vow being very important to me, on many levels...and only need be broken when the relationship is in a state of disintegrating, and only changing, by issuing an honest statement to the other, that maybe i am now becoming interested in the idea of seeing others, and that becomes the new agreement, or we end the love affair.

I may be the odd person out (it happens) but i am sure that man has the ability to adhere to a great and noble self imposed good will, and if one wills to be a mutually exclusive partner...that any time that we decide to amend that, all we should need to do is tell our partner we are having different feelings, and either agree to act on them, or work on ways to alleviate such feelings, by working on that goal together.

 

[zoobyshoe]

Alanis Morrisette once asked something along the lines of "Are you mad that I had an emotional affair?" in a song...IF this is what is bothering you, the fact she is possibly sharing her soul with someone, then maybe just think on it and work that out in your mind and with her a bit...you know?

You post covers a lot of ground but this part is salient to me.

 

[tikay]

Just curious. Where did the relationship with that male friend end up?

Well we we living in a cooperative environment, so we remained friends while he tried to get back together, amending his decision to try to impose his will on me...he claimed he would change, and i declined to sleep with him further but enjoyed our talks/his company still. (love is LOVE) The "friendship" ended when the place folded, and we both moved on with separate lives (or perhaps) I believe he moved out in a month or so, and I have not heard from/of him again. My memory is not always the very best, that was eight long years ago...i think he left a couple weeks before the place folded, while I stayed on to the end.

I then became interested in the father of my seven year old child, who lived there as well. He is one of the two I have mentioned, that i am best of friends with now.
We had troubles before our girl was born, broke it off when she was born, and lived together as ex's for two years, in a condo before moving on to live separately. We are currently deciding whether to move in together again, as "ex-partners" because the Los Angeles area can be incredibly expensive. He comes and stays with us on weekends, in the extra bedroom, to visit our daughter, we have kept it up for years and years, and he has given me time to go on dates by babysitting on occasion...our friendship can be strained some moments, like all relationships are, but stressors quickly pass, because we want them to, and work through things, and we let it go...and he continues to be very active in our lives.

 

[Huckleberry]

Don't forget that I have never made it an absolute position. You have consistently taken all of my comments which I have kept moderate and portrayed them as extreme and absolute.

Believe me, this is not my normal perception of things day to day. I spent a great deal of my life believing that women simply were not interested in me. It seems you find the idea that platonic relationships are not likely to be inappropriate and maybe vain. For me it helped me realize that when my female friend tells me that she thinks I am a good looking guy she may actually be telling the truth and not just trying to make me feel better or saying "Well I couldn't actually point one out to you but there are theoretically women out there who would find you attractive."

I am unsure why you react so strongly to the idea. Why it is that a person considering you attractive, or you them, is somehow disrespectful, inappropriate, vain, or what ever it is you seem to think it is that is so bad about it. There seems to also be a connection with your perceptions from the conversation we had before about men checking out women in that you seem to think that women need to apparently be worried or concerned that men find them sexually attractive. It seems a rather odd idea to me.

I don't see anything wrong with considering a person attractive. My sister is an attractive woman. Considering a person attractive doesn't make a relationship non-platonic. Sexual desire does. If two people can have a relationship without that desire then I don't understand how the relationship isn't platonic. It's not difficult for me to think of a woman unrelated to me in a similar way that I think of my sister. If a woman shows no sexual interest in me then it's fairly simple, even if I did have sexual interest in her at some point. I don't hold onto that where it isn't wanted because I know the pain it will bring everyone involved. Many men, and sometimes women too, can't reconcile those emotions and ditch the friendship along with the sexual attraction. That's why I think platonic relationships are rare. As unlikely, or even impossible, as it may be for some, it is not as unlikely for everyone. Saying that if one isn't interested then the other most likely is may be correct most times, but it appears to confuse cause with effect to fit the presented model. I don't believe it just happens and doesn't mean anything. I believe there is a cause for that behaviour that does have meaning.

I said before that I think most women could deal with men thinking of them as sexually attractive. It's when a man presumes that if she enjoys his company then she must on some level be sexually attracted to him that problems arise. It pushes the boundaries. It's not that a man or a woman are necessarily sexually attracted to each other because they enjoy each other's company, but people, particularly single men in my experience, unknowingly filter out platonic relationships that could exist in favor of sexual relationships. The sexual attraction is the reason for initiating a relationship and they don't put energy into non-sexual relationships with women that would otherwise be an improvement in their lives. They can form platonic relationships just fine with old ladies, relatives, or maybe their friend's wives, but don't recognize that it is something about their own mindset that causes them to have difficulty even believing platonic relationships can exist between a man and a woman. There is no innate difference between old ladies, female relatives, and friend's wives that makes them sexually different from other women, except in the mind of the man perceiving them. Some men have a sexual preference for those women. If platonic relationships are rare between unattached men and women, and I do believe they are, then I assume it is because sex is a powerful motivator for both men and women. It is an incentive to preferentially seek sexual relationships.

The idea that platonic relationships are not likely isn't vain. Ignoring sexually unattractive, but otherwise decent people, or using sexually attractive people to bolster one's self-esteem among their peers (the scheme of things) can be. If it leads to treating sexually unattractive people with indifference, or selecting a partner for their utility as a sexual trophy then I do believe it is more about one's own vanity than about one's ability to care about their relationships.

I got the impression that the word platonic is being applied to a person as a state in which all people are viewed platonically, rather than the existing state of an individual relationship. Or perhaps it was the idea that if at any point sexual interest exists then a platonic relationship is forever impossible. I think there was some element in your agument, literal or implied, that was absolute, and I transferred it to another mistakenly. I don't know exactly where that came from, but I do apologize for it.

I don't think a man admiring a woman sexually is a bad thing. I think it is very normal. In the thread that you are referring to I recall having the opinion that if a woman doesn't like a man staring at her then it's her own problem. It's just bad form to gawk at a woman's body. It sends all the wrong messages, but is not inherently wrong. The idea that women need to be concerned that men find them attractive is odd to me too. If there is any need for her to be concerned then it is in consideration of other socially inappropriate actions that would threaten her safety.

 

[tikay]

I really believe most girls do not like promiscuity and will go far not to cheat in sex. Promiscuous girls, and there are some, all have something psychologically wrong with them which causes behavior that is outside the norm for females. This is hard for men to grasp because men are hardwired to be promiscuous. We project our own proclivities onto women, when the fact is they actually don't much have those proclivities. Generally speaking, once a girl starts to have sex with a guy, she want to limit herself to only having sex with that guy. She may see 40 guys a day who sexually excite her but she'll stick pretty rigidly to the guy she's invested in when it comes to actually having sex. That's why when this guy said you were foolish to get upset because you'd already "won", he was pretty much right. If she had a promiscuous streak, you'd know it by now. Since she doesn't, it is, as a rule of thumb at least, going to be a lot harder for any man to get her to cheat on you sexually than you imagine.

Regardless, there is always the chance she won't come back or will cheat on you. Having equanimity means you're psychologically prepared for that; being in a state of mind where that's not going to shatter your world.

That may seem absurd, I don't know, but I think what you might need to appreciate it would be to be on the receiving end of relationship where the girl was jealous of you, keeping track of all your moves, always hovering, checking your facebook all the time, calling you every ten minutes, going purple in the face when you looked at other girls, etc. A good dose of that and you'd be way more lenient in all future relationships.

Bottom line is jealously doesn't work, and you feel like crap on top of it.

The whole of the post here was pretty spot on for me, but I want to thank you especially for having faith in most women, we are often very deserving of the vote of confidence.

I was married at 21 to a man who was extremely jealous at times, well most of the time. We married far too quickly, within months of meeting, and I set about having his babies.
He became a very abusive person, and five long years later I divorced him so he would not terminate my existence, over his ridiculous notions. I never cheated on him mentally or bodily, but his fears allowed him to keep me in check constantly, it was incredibly unfair to me at the time. For i loved him with all of my being, and tried to alleviate all of his fears to no avail.

My somewhat promiscuous past was "in our way", and he just could not get past how i had told him i acted out sexually, when I was single, and not in commited relationships...( my sexually charged up youth) & how i was very open to various kinds of relationships.

He did not believe, and could not be convinced over five years time,that I was very much willing to be his happy young wife. He thought I was constantly maligned with sexual thoughts although I was simply not. I wish it had not ruined our love relationship, but he was sometimes just brutal. He went on to be with a woman who was abusive to him, and eventually they became very involved with the church, and are together, still, around twenty years later.
His culture also, was often won't to be very controlling in partnerships, usually the menfolk but sometimes also the women, who kept broomsticks behind doors.( seems everyone was getting beat about the head) a South Pacific Island 'tradition' i hope has since waned in popularity!

Sorry for all the little i's , and such, it is far past my bedtime now, hopefully not taken as a subliminal expression of low self esteem...I may have a bit too much esteem for myself, if anything!
;~})
I'll be off to sleep...adios~

 

[tikay]

You post covers a lot of ground but this part is salient to me.

Thanks~

 

[DanP]

Wow, I didn't get that memo.

You get it now :P

 

[DanP]

Although I don't believe in hard and fast rules to loving a partner...girl, boy or hermaphrodite...I do believe you have made a decision to "not trust" the other potential suitor, and possibly not trusted your girl too. That could mire the waters a bit with her.
I personally get fairly intimate with people, i get into the stuff of life on a bus, on a plane on a train...i get into it with the guy who asked me for a cigarette, and whatever... intimacy is not doing something wrong. She can be fairly intimate, without being an untrustworthy girlfriend. She can share much, without ever needing to be scolded, made to feel bad, or be given ultimatums.

Yeah, but in the end is not even an issue of trust. If a "fairly intimate" behavior makes him feel bad, he should let her know about it. If she ignores it, well, why would he loose any
time in a relationship which makes him feel bad ? Leave her, life is too short to put up with **** which makes you unhappy. This doesn't mean he (OP) shouldn't revisit his behaviors.

Love will ripen and grow whether sex comes into play in relationships or it does not. Alanis Morrisette once asked something along the lines of "Are you mad that I had an emotional affair?" in a song...IF this is what is bothering you, the fact she is possibly sharing her soul with someone, then maybe just think on it and work that out in your mind and with her a bit...you know?

Again, it doesn't worth it. When love will "ripe" even in a non-sexual relation, from my point of view she is free to live with that guy, not with me.

We are making new rules in this life, and some just don't always jibe with the traditional ones. I suggest that maybe you try and get to know the guy and befriend him...and to TRUST...in this situation...trust her, trust him, and trust you. It should all work out, whether the bond you currently have becomes weakened, stregnthened or whatever.

Doesn't worth doing it. Why befriend someone you don't like ? To keep a women near you ? There are others out there with a psychological profile who will fit yours better. Leave her.
As she is creating new rules, so do I create mine. And btw, at least for me, trust is never implicit. Trust, like respect, must be earned. The level of trust I begin from is neutral. No distrust, no stupid sharing of my "darkest secrets".

You will probably find that being possessive is BOTH very reassuring and disheartening to your girl. We women have mixed feelings about that a lot, and we like a healthy BALANCE. I tend to want a man who will not enjoy it when another man wants me, but i will not respect it in any way, if he tries to tell me I cannot make my own decisions about who i befriend...and I have recently broken the commitment bond over a mans unwarrented jealousy.

You can befriend anyone, its your choice. I believe in the ultimate self-determination of humans. But don't be surprised if he leaves you. A relation takes two. If what you do hurts
the person you are in a relationship, and you persist in this behavior, you don't care as much about him as you care about satisfying your desires. Which is fair, no problems with it, but maybe then you shouldn't have a committed relationship.

I also left another man in the past for saying that i could not be visiting with one of my male friends. I just cannot abide being told what to do as if i am enslaved or being parented. A partnership is just that, it is not ownership...

Neither do I take any hints from anyone. But one day it hit me. It hit me that I hurt the my girlfriend who loves me and which does a lot for me, by being very close to other women, even if I didn't screw them. It happened when I started to fall for her, some 6-7 months into the relationship.

What I am trying to tell you is that maybe you should take a break and look at the situation from his point of view, see whatever or not your behavior hurts him. Don't expect him to put up with everything you do only because he doesn't owns you. Neither do you own him. If you are not able to do any concession for him, to make him happy, he is better off without you. In the end, in those cases, the one who is less involved in
the relation will usually break off first. Nothing bad with it. No blame, it just didn't worked out. Ah , yes, I also don't believe in fixing relationships. If it works, fine. If it doesn't , why force it ? Past always comes back, humans generally resist change.

 

[DanP]

The idea that women need to be concerned that men find them attractive is odd to me too. If there is any need for her to be concerned then it is in consideration of other socially inappropriate actions that would threaten her safety.

I agree with this. I could never wrap my head around statements like "I thought we could be friends for what is inside me, not for my body" or "Well, (s)he got this position of work because he is an attractive person and used his sexuality ... "


What "defines" a person is a set of attributes. This includes your physical looks. There is nothing bad in using your looks in making your way though life, not anymore than using your brain. They are both *you*. There is nothing wrong in appreciating a person for their bodies and sexuality, as there is nothing wrong in appreciating , let's say, their PhD in English literature and the passion for it :P

Why try to separate the two ?

 

[Huckleberry]

You're pretty much confirming that I hit the nail on the head: it's necessary for your self image to get involved in friendships with women you're not attracted to. Otherwise you'd assess yourself as "close-minded, bad, indecent, uncaring," which would be very unpleasant.

Yes, it is good for my self-image to not ignore possible relationships with people because I am not (sexually) attracted to them. It would be bad for my self-image if I only desired people based on their level of sexual appeal to me. I do consider it necessary to make friends of good people wherever I find them. Which nail are you aiming at? If you have sexual attraction to all women who's company you enjoy then that's terrific. If you enjoy the company of some women that you don't feel sexual attraction for, then maybe your decision to not have friendships with those women is artificial. Or maybe we just have differing opinions on what is attractive and what is enjoyable.

I didn't make any such assertion. You can, obviously, have all the 'platonic' friendships with women you want and still have friendships you recognize as essentially based in attraction. The assertion I'm making is that the 'platonic' friendships are artificial constructs in the service of your self image. You want to feel that you are a nice person. It's an ethical, moral stance. I think what SA and I are saying (subject to his response) is that the reason we have to adopt ethics and morals is because the natural proclivity goes in a different direction. I think what he and I share is a recognition and admission of the natural proclivity.

When you say that it is more important to me to pursue platonic relationships than the women 'I'd really like to be talking to' you are making a false assertion. If there's no reason I can't be friendly with both then why make such a statement? When you say that people who have platonic relationships don't pass their genes it appears to me that you think all of their relationships are platonic. When you say that platonic relationships are a fiction that people get sucked into believing can and should exist then I think you believe platonic relationships cannot and should not exist. If these things aren't what you mean, then please clarify. The subtext is awfully heavy.

My self-image is as much of an artificial construct as yours. You do what you feel is right I assume because it feels right to you. That doesn't make what feels right to me artificial. It seems like you are saying I do what I feel is wrong because I think it is right, assuming that I must feel like you do.

Well, I mostly do feel like you do, because I do recognize a natural proclivity for sex. But where you say the natural proclivity goes in another direction I find a valuable resource that I'm glad I didn't overlook. Some women I'm not drawn to sexually. Some I am drawn to. I can value the friendship of a woman I don't desire sexually without artificially repressing natural proclivities. Maybe I'm a freak, but my natural proclivities do not extend to all women even remotely equally, and I don't see why they should. Still, they are sometimes people with qualities that I admire.

Calling my friendships artificial constructs is just insulting. Say that I'm artificially repressing desires all day if it pleases you, but you know less than nothing about my friendships.

 

[gabbagabbahey]

A few months back my girlfriend said she's become good friends with this guy that isn't very social. He keeps to himself mostly and as such, she is one of the only friends he has. Now from my experience when it comes to a guy and girl becoming the best of friends in a short period, and spending a lot of their time together, the bond becomes strong because one of them has feelings for the other. And more than often, these feelings are kept discrete enough so that the other is oblivious to what is happening.

Well, my girlfriend is oblivious. I came out straight with her and told her not to spend so much time with him because I had a hunch that he has feelings for her. She of course said I was being ridiculous and whatever.

A few weeks later he starts asking her to go to the city with him. Just them two as friends. Well this is how she saw it anyway... I didn't let her, and thankfully she understood.

Eventually he let's it out and says that he likes her. When speaking to me about it she wanted to start ignoring him but at the same time cherished the friendship they had. I didn't like the idea of it and thought a friendship that has lasted just one month wasn't enough for any serious attachments and so she should be able to let him go. Well apparently not. I instead agreed to her proposal to stop interacting with him as much, and declining any "friendly" dates.


Fast-forward to a few weeks ago which should put it around 2 months later. I was over her place and while she was showing me stuff on her facebook I noticed how often this guy appeared to be chatting to her again. I checked her phone and while there were only a few inbox messages from him, there were a whole lot more outbox messages to him. Obviously she had deleted selected texts from her inbox.
But she says she deleted them because I would get angry with it. Well, she's right about that.

A few moments later while logged onto her msn he came online and started talking to her. Since I had control of the computer, I read his greeting and did something else to try and ignore it. I was furious...
If that wasn't enough, he started drawing pictures on msn and sending them to her. Quite the artist he is, I give him that. But to see how much effort he was putting into it for my girlfriend, and while having noticed he asked her to go to the city with him pushed me over the edge.

I went off at him. Amongst all the raging, I do remember him saying I should stop being so territorial and that I had won, she likes me and not him, so I should let it go. What really annoyed me is that yes if I weren't at all territorial then I'd be allowing him to step all over me and that would basically be saying, sure, try wow my girlfriend all you can, she is fair game and the best man wins. The fact that he also said that I win clearly indicates he was challenging me for her, which as far as I have seen, doesn't happen all that often amongst already established couples. But when it does, fists break loose.

This time I enforced that she most definitely can't talk to him any more. She has to ignore him completely etc. etc.
She still feels guilty about it and feels that same attachment for the friendship she felt months earlier. This is when she said that I should stop being so jealous about her and other guys.

Am I really being over-protective here? I feel I have a right to act the way I did, but it probably depends on each person's opinion on the topic.

By the way, I am pretty certain that she's completely faithful to me and we love each other dearly, so if she is to have any reason to say that I'm being too jealous about this, it's because she wouldn't cheat on me.

There's an old saying: 'Keep your friends close and your enemies closer'. I think it applies quite well to this situation. Rather than creating stress on your relationship with your girlfriend by effectively keeping her on a leash, you might try be-friending her suitor. Worst case scenario; you'll find out in a hurry if they've become more than friends, and can make a decision on your next course of action then. Best case scenario; being friends with you will further dissuade him from pursuing your girlfriend and the issue will be resolved in your favor.

 

[DanP]

My somewhat promiscuous past was "in our way", and he just could not get past how i had told him i acted out sexually, when I was single, and not in commited relationships...( my sexually charged up youth) & how i was very open to various kinds of relationships.

He did not believe, and could not be convinced over five years time,that I was very much willing to be his happy young wife. He thought I was constantly maligned with sexual thoughts although I was simply not. I wish it had not ruined our love relationship, but he was sometimes just brutal. He went on to be with a woman who was abusive to him, and eventually they became very involved with the church, and are together, still, around twenty years later.
His culture also, was often won't to be very controlling in partnerships, usually the menfolk but sometimes also the women, who kept broomsticks behind doors.( seems everyone was getting beat about the head) a South Pacific Island 'tradition' i hope has since waned in popularity!

Sorry for all the little i's , and such, it is far past my bedtime now, hopefully not taken as a subliminal expression of low self esteem...I may have a bit too much esteem for myself, if anything!
;~})
I'll be off to sleep...adios~

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[DanP]

There's an old saying: 'Keep your friends close and your enemies closer'. I think it applies quite well to this situation. Rather than creating stress on your relationship with your girlfriend by effectively keeping her on a leash, you might try be-friending her suitor. Worst case scenario; you'll find out in a hurry if they've become more than friends, and can make a decision on your next course of action then. Best case scenario; being friends with you will further dissuade him from pursuing your girlfriend and the issue will be resolved in your favor.

What for ? Why befriend anyone you don't like, and you don't relate to ? It's a complete waste of time.

 

[tikay]

If I only had a brain. Finding where one fits in the scheme of things is vague. I suspect it is more like making a place where one desires to be. No, I rarely feel more attractive talking to attractive women that choose to talk to me but show no sexual interest.

edit - It's not surprising that women don't trust men's intentions. Not only do they have to worry about every man that speaks to them thinking of them sexually, which I think most women could handle, but they have to worry that if they decide to speak back then the man will assume she is sexually interested as well. I don't harbor a desire for every woman I talk to, and every woman that talks to me doesn't desire me. Maybe people who only befriend others whom they are sexually attracted to can't or shouldn't have platonic relationships. It doesn't mean that there is no possibility that others can or should. If I'm not attracted to every woman I meet then I see no reason why I can't be friends with one of them who is also not attracted to me. I'm pretty sure I do have at least one such friend. She'll be shocked when I tell her that since I don't want her body she must want mine or we can't be friends.

Thankfully there are a few of you saying this, and I may furthur relax. How do you think it feels to be consistantly objectified and subtly vilified as just a sort of bait that men wish to conquer, lustfully? I know there are many men who have arrived at a place where they are not looking at every attractive female as someone to potentially bed.

I am not looking to talk to attractive people or befriend attractive people I befriend whomever is placed in my general vicinity...and i seem to mesh more with the elderly than most. (Raised with a lot of 'grandparental' influence) I hope that does not mean there is something wrong with me, but a person can be fat or thin, weak or strong, femenin in a masculine body, and vice versa, and whatever...i will potentially become their friend. The way the go through life, their values are what draws me or repulses. So yeah, having attractive friends can be advantageous, in crazy ways, for instance when your single and looking, having a very attractive pal, will act as a lure to other attractive folks who in turn may become your attractive future partner) but, that does not mean that we should seek out attractive friends.

Being objectified (hopefully) isn't pleasent for anyone, (unless they are downright oblivious) being a trophy should not be something anyones seeks for their own gain. But having an attractive mate is thrilling, as an artist i have been with some of the most beautiful people i have ever seen, I didn't get together with them just because they were pretty, they had to have more juice than that. its the energy inside, that draws more...and you all realize that it is no fault of their own when a person is wonderful, and gorgeous.

When given a choice, of a beautiful body with a nasty personality, or a beautiful person who has had a sub-standard appearance, i'll take the latter, absolutely, even tho, there have been enough choices to have been able to get the best of both worlds. I have done a bit of both and been happy every time to have had the experience of growing in love with them.

 

[tikay]

I rewrote the dichotomy specifically to exclude the fiction of the "platonic" relationship. The point was to only include those things that happen in nature.


It may be necessary to you, for the sake of your self image, to spend time with women you're not attracted to. In other words, it's may be more important to you to think of yourself as a fair minded, good, decent, caring human being than it is to pursue the women you'd really like to be talking to. Once a person thinks there can, and should be, "platonic" relationships they could easily start artificially behaving this way to prove to themselves they are not beasts, or they could start putting blinders on as prophylactics against seeing that there's a lot less Plato in male/female friendships than Pan.

Sexual attraction flows as an undercurrent that can be sensed if you pay attention but is almost never discussed because often neither party has any plans of acting on it.

There is a sort of biological mandate here: back in the day the people who were perfectly content to be platonic friends with the opposite sex ended up not passing their genes down.

But isn't it more important to BE fair-minded, solid, good people, reliable to be a friend to anyone who may be needy of one? Isn't it a good choice to be un biased about soemthing as surface as how one looks? Does that mean it is wrong if we are not choosy in that area?

I have always considered myself rather plain. Only by looking back at pictures from my youth can i see how striking I could be (on occasion). The fact that people would treat me far better when I wore make-up has always REALLY bothered me because equality has been a thing with me, since i was very young (and not just for children, the elderly, impoverished, un-healthy, obese, mentally or physically challanged) or women, i noticed that humans deserved to be treated fairly, and men are human too, alas...haha)
Also I had one strange buck tooth, (turns out men found attractive) that made me consider that i myself was not attractive to a lot of people, usually monied folk. (it was from playing football with the boys)
;}
Since I considered myself a tomboy, other issues also came into play...such as why do people expect me to wear this junk? Why do they treat me like I am more deserving of anything, because i have it on, i am still ME, and etc...and I still have this basic instinct that it is wrong to treat someone better based on their appearance. That if they have been born with a healthier or cuter gene, that does not mean they are "better" than the next guy.

 

[tikay]

You're pretty much confirming that I hit the nail on the head: it's necessary for your self image to get involved in friendships with women you're not attracted to. Otherwise you'd assess yourself as "close-minded, bad, indecent, uncaring," which would be very unpleasant.


I didn't make any such assertion. You can, obviously, have all the 'platonic' friendships with women you want and still have friendships you recognize as essentially based in attraction. The assertion I'm making is that the 'platonic' friendships are artificial constructs in the service of your self image. You want to feel that you are a nice person. It's an ethical, moral stance. I think what SA and I are saying (subject to his response) is that the reason we have to adopt ethics and morals is because the natural proclivity goes in a different direction. I think what he and I share is a recognition and admission of the natural proclivity.




I'm seeing why SA is complaining about you misconstruing what he said.

I do not believe that we do things because we wish to believe things about ourselves per se, I would rather think we do them because we understand that it is just, right, benevolent and good to be that way and the opposite act would be wrong, base, banal, and so on.

there are some definate rights & wrongs in any increasingly evolving society...which nearly every society is... at least on the one level. I do not believe that man is really capable of not growing and learning with each passing day, just that sometimes they will choose wrong over right in an attempt to reach their goals, whatever those may be.
If all my lifes non-sexual friendships were actually subliminally sexual, then, Freud would be right, and I too agree with the others that he was definitely way off key. if every idiot who postulated something in psycology were right, we would totally 'be screwed'. haha
And I would like to think that the man hisself is somewhere in the universe kicking himself for being so idiotic.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

I don't see anything wrong with considering a person attractive. My sister is an attractive woman. Considering a person attractive doesn't make a relationship non-platonic. Sexual desire does. If two people can have a relationship without that desire then I don't understand how the relationship isn't platonic. It's not difficult for me to think of a woman unrelated to me in a similar way that I think of my sister. If a woman shows no sexual interest in me then it's fairly simple, even if I did have sexual interest in her at some point. I don't hold onto that where it isn't wanted because I know the pain it will bring everyone involved. Many men, and sometimes women too, can't reconcile those emotions and ditch the friendship along with the sexual attraction. That's why I think platonic relationships are rare. As unlikely, or even impossible, as it may be for some, it is not as unlikely for everyone. Saying that if one isn't interested then the other most likely is may be correct most times, but it appears to confuse cause with effect to fit the presented model. I don't believe it just happens and doesn't mean anything. I believe there is a cause for that behaviour that does have meaning.

Perhaps there is some confusion on the issue of what presents as "sexually attractive". If I look at a person and consider them to be physically attractive I count that the same as finding the person sexually attractive, the concept of what is physically attractive is based very likely on a biological program which dictates what we perceive as being a likely sexual partner. Since as I have already said that I do not consider it necessary to desire to have sex with any person I find attractive this presents no issue of conflict in having a "normal" relationship with that person( for me anyway). As far as the sister thing goes I have never had any issue there as I unfortunately haven't the greatest relationship with my family and can only try very hard to see anything at all attractive about my sister physically or otherwise. I see the blockage there of perceiving a sister in a sexual context as primarily a social convention, though I am willing to admit to having no direct parallel in my own experience to base this on. We can see in fact though that is it not entirely uncommon for sister and brother to develop a sexual attraction one for another. It is even more common among step siblings where the influence of the social convention among family is at its weakest. One might even suggest that the typical protective instinct of a brother for his younger sister is not wholly unlike a protective instinct for ones own mate (and vice versa).

I said before that I think most women could deal with men thinking of them as sexually attractive. It's when a man presumes that if she enjoys his company then she must on some level be sexually attracted to him that problems arise.

To me this seems not an atypical consideration for either males or females, though their reaction to it may differ. It seems that your average male tends to think females who show any interest in them what so ever are sexually attracted to them and often brag of it to their friends, and females(particularly young females) typically seem to consider any positive attention from males as a sexual advance. If you are concerned of how this may effect women in their dealings with men I think that they have the situation well in hand. Women who are single and have moved beyond any societal brainwashing that they ought be pure innocent flowers of femininity seem to have little issue with the idea that men who give them attention are likely sexually interested in them (and vice versa) and seem to more often consider it complimentary. Less experienced females who have esteem issues seem to take a similar view, all be it more naive and immature, of male attention.

It's not that a man or a woman are necessarily sexually attracted to each other because they enjoy each other's company, but people, particularly single men in my experience, unknowingly filter out platonic relationships that could exist in favor of sexual relationships. The sexual attraction is the reason for initiating a relationship and they don't put energy into non-sexual relationships with women that would otherwise be an improvement in their lives. They can form platonic relationships just fine with old ladies, relatives, or maybe their friend's wives, but don't recognize that it is something about their own mindset that causes them to have difficulty even believing platonic relationships can exist between a man and a woman. There is no innate difference between old ladies, female relatives, and friend's wives that makes them sexually different from other women, except in the mind of the man perceiving them. Some men have a sexual preference for those women. If platonic relationships are rare between unattached men and women, and I do believe they are, then I assume it is because sex is a powerful motivator for both men and women. It is an incentive to preferentially seek sexual relationships.

The first thing that you notice about any individual, per force, is their physical appearance (saving internet meetings, wherein even there superficial considerations are not uncommon). There is an interesting looking study I found while googling earlier that says people seem to be capable of determining personality characteristics based solely on physical appearance (mediated by the idea that persons personalities are influenced in part by others perceptions) and I am a firm believer that mere physical characteristics are only part of what attracts one person to another romantically. That is to say that your consideration of a persons physical appearance is likely also a consideration of their personality and hence your perception of any individual as a prospective friend is likely based on an initial response to their physical features. Of course any consideration of a person as a potential mate is based in part on personality features which you likely partially derive from physical features. And any person who tells me that they look for entirely separate personality features in friends as opposed to mates I would laugh at. They either are deluded or only looking for a stead lay as opposed to a potential mate.
As for the difference regarding "old ladies" and "family members" I would say that it is a cultural inhibition. One of my best friends was an older woman who I never considered sexually attractive. She told me that she considered me an attractive man, though never in a flirtatious or sexual manner. While I perceived her in more of a "motherly" fashion, which I am sure she expected, I would be doing her a disservice to figure that she was only jiving me when she said that she would have been "all over me" had she been younger. As if I did not trust her perception and evaluation of me as a potential mate. Whose opinion are we really to trust and appreciate more than that of those matronly figures in our lives? Even my own mother often told me that I reminded her very much of my biological father, and not in a flattering way. Those cultural distinctions seem to begin to blur and not seem so very distinct.

I got the impression that the word platonic is being applied to a person as a state in which all people are viewed platonically, rather than the existing state of an individual relationship. Or perhaps it was the idea that if at any point sexual interest exists then a platonic relationship is forever impossible. I think there was some element in your agument, literal or implied, that was absolute, and I transferred it to another mistakenly. I don't know exactly where that came from, but I do apologize for it.

I am perhaps taking a very literal definition of "platonic" as "strictly and definably separate" where I see the "definable separation" as not being very strict or clear. To be attracted to someone and then decide to just be friends sort of blurs the line between strictly definable categories. You can perhaps create in-between categories but they seem to be artificial (if you'll pardon the term) separations that only really attempt to map the vagaries of reality.edit: @Huck as well, there is no reason for apologies between "friends". I do not chide you to illicit apologies but only to bring your attention to things you seem to have not noticed. We seem to think very much alike although we may take different routes to our conclusions and there is no reason to apologize for that. :-)

 

[rewebster]

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[tikay]

Yeah, but in the end is not even an issue of trust. If a "fairly intimate" behavior makes him feel bad, he should let her know about it. If she ignores it, well, why would he loose any
time in a relationship which makes him feel bad ? Leave her, life is too short to put up with **** which makes you unhappy. This doesn't mean he (OP) shouldn't revisit his behaviors.

I completely disagree, (respectfully)...I think that once you begin to allow yourself to lack trust in loving partnerships you may just haphazardly establish a pattern that will ruin every future relationship, with that same unworked out garbage. Why not be mature, work through this crap with this girl already whos alrady in your heart & in your head?
This one right here that you are entangled with right now. Why put your problem with trust onto the next person, expecting them to behave so differently? That this issue is probably more his prob, than hers.

I believe she sees the other man as just a friend (perhaps a friend who is slightly "crushing on her" but that's not too important). I think she is wise to not toss away a real friend to her, because of her lovers insecurity. She sees that her new friend may be fragile and her friendship IS valuable to him. The crush is placed where it belongs on the back-burner, in her mind, she allows him to be "Just" a friend. She reassures her love, that all is well, that he IS the top priority, and so, yes, she absolutely deserves to be trusted. NOTHING sexual occurs..whats the problem? If I dissolved all my friendships because one of us had a lit'l crush, that could be tragic...there is no reason to be that cutting. People on average deserve better treatment than that, its like calling the flirtation a "sin", and far too extreme.

Again, it doesn't worth it. When love will "ripe" even in a non-sexual relation, from my point of view she is free to live with that guy, not with me.

Then you lose, she and you both lose actually and you have not given her a place in the decision making process of the dissolving the relationship so it was you who really didn't love her (very well) you were the liar not her about your commitment...in that case, so whos REALLY cheating who...with such values? You leave a girl because you are insecure? Thats kind of lame.

Doesn't worth doing it. Why befriend someone you don't like ? To keep a women near you ? There are others out there with a psychological profile who will fit yours better. Leave her.
As she is creating new rules, so do I create mine. And btw, at least for me, trust is never implicit. Trust, like respect, must be earned. The level of trust I begin from is neutral. No distrust, no stupid sharing of my "darkest secrets".

If you cannot trust your girlfriend, you have already left her, you are just holding on for the benefits of staying together a while longer. Perhaps because the search for another victim you can mistrust will be difficult. I say work through your insecure $#!+ and increase your care or go on repeating the mistake of not really caring for your next girl.

You can befriend anyone, its your choice. I believe in the ultimate self-determination of humans. But don't be surprised if he leaves you. A relation takes two. If what you do hurts
the person you are in a relationship, and you persist in this behavior, you don't care as much about him as you care about satisfying your desires. Which is fair, no problems with it, but maybe then you shouldn't have a committed relationship.

We all deserve to be involved with the people we love, if we are open to receive the love they have to give is the question. When we have inner turmoil, that is not always something tthat THEY have created in us, it can be something from OUR past, so i suggest he set to work mentally, work on the turmoil, not trying toss good people aside like a pebble on a beach. Even my (once) five year old son cautioned me, about ending a love affair with my beaux, of five years time, he said you do not just throw people away, (that life is not that simple) and to really think on that one first...he was sooo right! That man and myself did break up but we were friends for five years longer, then he dropped off the map. I stiill try to find out if he's alright sometimes. BECAUSE I just love him, I always will..

Neither do I take any hints from anyone. But one day it hit me. It hit me that I hurt the my girlfriend who loves me and which does a lot for me, by being very close to other women, even if I didn't screw them. It happened when I started to fall for her, some 6-7 months into the relationship.

She probably never expected you to not get close to others, women or anyone, she probably just wanted your best for her when you were with her. At least, If she was a balanced individual. we all want our patners to be balanced i think, and all we can ask then is to draw the line at falling for others, (falling in love) or that they don't have sex. Flirting should be allowed...it happens! So in my opinion its best to not walk away from a good thing over simple flirtations.

What I am trying to tell you is that maybe you should take a break and look at the situation from his point of view, see whatever or not your behavior hurts him. Don't expect him to put up with everything you do only because he doesn't owns you. Neither do you own him. If you are not able to do any concession for him, to make him happy, he is better off without you. In the end, in those cases, the one who is less involved in
the relation will usually break off first. Nothing bad with it. No blame, it just didn't worked out. Ah , yes, I also don't believe in fixing relationships. If it works, fine. If it doesn't , why force it ? Past always comes back, humans generally resist change.

I am not saying he should leave her or stay, you are the more controlling one in that when you insist he should probably leave her. I am saying its just best/better to work on his stuff, lest that ruin one relationship after another into infinitum.
Why not give her the benefit of the doubt that the friendship will remain platonic. There is no good reason that he should stop loving the girl over a flirtation. If she said she wanted to do that dude and have him watch, then maybe he should truly begin to worry. The memes of our society are changing, you can go with it or resist these changes. I prefer to get on the bus with the newer modalities. I am only so traditional as to need my guy to trust me a lot, otherwise we can talk about all sorts of kinky stuff happening.

Asexuality appears to be the latest thing going on...

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

I like to believe myself, that as humans we are evolving beyond the caveman type mentality that many of you assume is the norm. Because I was raised with an ethical standard which tells me that we humans have an ability to use a high regard for others, and forgo sexual feelings, (and pleasure) when we are wholeheartedly, soulfully bound to a person as their lover, we do not allow ourselves the right, to let sexual attraction flourish with friends, even if these feelings do come up, so it is usually best to trust people.

This is in part the sort of mentality that I am describing. The idea that there is anything "wrong" with considering a friend as a sexual being. It would seem to me that this sort of idea is what creates consternation and disfunction among people who could otherwise be good friends. The discomfort of persons who are the object of attraction or who see the other as an object of attraction driving a wedge between them. It seems between men a women a constant source of distress when there is no reason for it to be. Rather than necessarily ignoring natural inclinations if people could only see it as natural and of no great importance that they find an individual sexually attractive it would not become such a divisive element of our interactions with the opposite sex(or same sex as the case may be).

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

I completely disagree, (respectfully)...I think that once you begin to allow yourself to lack trust in loving partnerships you may just haphazardly establish a pattern that will ruin every future relationship, with that same unworked out garbage.

I agree with you completely here. It was the point of my earlier responses. If you do not trust a person that distrust does not go away simply because the current focal point for that distrust may no longer be in the picture. Having your girlfriend not speak with a male because you do not trust them together only removes the most current symptom of distrust which may only express itself in other fashions in some other situation at some other point in time. The issue is really something other than what ever external manifestation may be apparent at any given moment.

 

[tikay]

What I am trying to tell you is that maybe you should take a break and look at the situation from his point of view, see whatever or not your behavior hurts him. Don't expect him to put up with everything you do only because he doesn't owns you. Neither do you own him. If you are not able to do any concession for him, to make him happy, he is better off without you. In the end, in those cases, the one who is less involved in
the relation will usually break off first. Nothing bad with it. No blame, it just didn't worked out. Ah , yes, I also don't believe in fixing relationships. If it works, fine. If it doesn't , why force it ? Past always comes back, humans generally resist change.

Oh now I get this having re-read it...you mean me take a look at my relationship stuff...not the OP's point POV. Ok sure... I thought you meant get into his shoes. which I did, i am totally for him having good relationships, starting with this one.

Ok so, if you are saying that I don't get to say how our relationship goes (in part) because i don't own him eather, you are exactly 'right on' with that! & I was not willing to keep myself tied to/with a partner who exibited extreme stress over small flirtations and over no flirting factors also, in certain instances. I had formerly been abused for those reasons.

I was leaving that partner as a lover, (not a friend, since we are still good friends) precisely because he was not willing to face the reality that I am a friendly person who seeks others to be around on occasion to talk to and interact with on a friendly social level.
He being rather hermit-like and anti-social, a bit of an "anger ball", with anyone but me and a few children in common...and I being a social butterfly when i am not isolating to do art, we're totally different, socially.

He appeared to basically hate folks while I (basically) adore them. He wanted to stay away from most people and i longed to give dinner parties. So it was not all about lack of trust see...it was deeper. Nothing is terribly complex, (nor terribly un-simple either once thought is invested) to decide there, we were no longer compatible as lovers. I saw it first and being unwilling to try and change him, i made it simple, I left.

I made an appropriate responce and dissolved a dying relationship before it went on for years and years, increasing the insight into our very real differances, and hurting us both all the more. Luckily he is my best friend. He comes over, helps me with things, we talk laugh and our kinship remains, while we don't have the pressure of that sex thing, to make us cry over.

;~})

 

[DanP]

I completely disagree, once you begin to allow yourself to lack trust in loving partnerships you may establish a pattern that will ruin every future relationship, with that same garbage. Why not be mature, work through crap with this girl already in your head? This on right here that you are entangled with right now. Why put your problem with trust onto the next person, expecting them to behave differently? It is probably more his prob, than hers.

Because is not a problem of trust. I began by outlining this. I can trust you with my life,
if you do things which don't me make happy in a relationship, it doesn't worth. It's not about my trust in you, is about happiness. If you can't work it out with me together, really, what's the point ? There is none.

I don't expect you to behave differently. I say what works for me.

Then you lose, she and you both lose actually and you have not given her a place in the decision making process of the dissolving the relationship so it was you who really didn't love her (very well) you were the liar not her about your commitment...in that case, so whos cheating on who with such values?

Actually, you both gain. Getting early out of a relation which doesn't work for you is the wisest thing you can do. You can both move towards another relation which may work better. ts very simple for you to throw the responsibility on me, but actually I do a very simple and common sense thing. I cut her loose so she can be with whoever she loves. You also seem to have a pretty romantic idea about commitment. If

If you cannot trust your girlfriend, you have already left her, you are just holding on for the benefits of staying together a while longer. Perhaps because the search for another victim you can mistrust will be difficult. I say work through your insecure **** and increase your care or go on repeating the mistake of not really caring for your next girl.

Again, I have to underline you that is not about trust. It;s about whatever the relation works or not. You seem to have a point of view where the man has to trust you with everything you do, but you are unwilling to meet his needs. All in the name of "trust me, I know better". At least this is how you came across to me .

Also for some reason you seem to equate neutral trust with mistrust, which I explicitly said is not the case.

It;s not really about insecure ****, is about indirectly imposing your will. About trying to force your partner to be friends with someone who doesn't want to be and to whom he doesn't relate.

What I say, why not you work through your **** and not repeat the mistake of caring so less of your next man ? A relation is about two persons, not only about you, and the fact that in the name of trust everyone has to take whatever you want. Fine with me , do whatever you want, but don't expect everyone to take it.

She probably never expected you to not get close to others, women or anyone, she probably just wanted your best for her when you were with her. At least, If she was a balanced individual. we all want our patners to be balanced i think, and all we can ask then is to draw the line at falling for others, (falling in love) or that they don't have sex. Flirting should be allowed...it happens! So in my opinion its best to not walk away from a good thing over simple flirtations.

Actually she expected me to share more of my time with her. And you know what ? She was right.

Why not give her the benefit of the doubt that the friendship will remain platonic. There is no good reason that he should stop loving the girl over a flirtation. If she said she wanted to do that dude and have him watch, then maybe he should truly begin to worry.

It;s not about whatever or not those 2 will remain platonic. If her behavior hurts him, even if the relation remains platonic, he is better off without her. This is my point. There is really no issue of trust in the end. Even if you trust her, the question is: Does it works for you ?

The memes of our society are changing, you can go with it or resist these changes. I prefer to get on the bus with the newer modalities. I am only so traditional as to need my guy to trust me a lot, otherwise we can talk about all sorts of kinky stuff happening.

I am pretty much open to any kind of heterosexual relationship, committed, non committed, in 2 , 3 whatever, you name it. I am only traditional in the sense we have to make the rules from the beginning . If we agree on committed relation, then I would appreciate traditionalism in it. No visit with your friends you love whenever you think you should spend time with him alone in your apartment and so on.

If you want another kind of relation, just tell me. If I like the "rules", I won't mind even if you make love with your friend in the next room, you want us both at the same time, or if you are bisexual and come home with another women. It's all OK as long rules are ok for both of us.

 

[DanP]

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Ok so, if you are saying that I don't get to say how our relationship goes (in part) because i don't own him eather, you are exactly 'right on' with that! & I was not willing to keep myself tied to/with a partner who exibited extreme stress over small flirtations and over no flirting factors also, in certain instances. I had formerly been abused for those reasons.

Exactly. He suffocated you , it didnt worked for you. You left. I have a Gf, it doesn't work for me, I leave. What I try to underline here is that no person should put itself through **** in the name of "Trust". If the relation works for you good, if it doesn't work, also good, it's just life, we can very well be on our separate ways.

 

[tikay]

I agree with you completely here. It was the point of my earlier responses. If you do not trust a person that distrust does not go away simply because the current focal point for that distrust may no longer be in the picture. Having your girlfriend not speak with a male because you do not trust them together only removes the most current symptom of distrust which may only express itself in other fashions in some other situation at some other point in time. The issue is really something other than what ever external manifestation may be apparent at any given moment.

Thank you StatutoryApe, it is nice to be understood. Of all the posts in here, there were four or so (folks) i am most alingned to, in my thinking, and you are definitely one of them!

I have great respect for people who don't box us all into some sexual flavor of the month mode, when discussing sexual modalities. There is no reason to not consider all the many "facets" on the diamond that it is to be human, sex being just one of them.