Am I Struggling with Mental Illness or Just Lazy?

[physicist1985]

Am I mentally ill or just lazy? For the past 3 years of my life I haven't been able to accomplish anything. I graduated college in 2008 and went to grad school in EE. I got paranoid thinking I wasn't doing a good job and that I was going to lose my funding and started thinking the other grad students were spreading rumors about me. I ended up losing my mind which lead to me quitting, basically. I went back home and looked for a job. Couldn't find a job for about a year so I went back to grad school (the same school I dropped out of) but I wasn't fully funded this time...only partially funded. Well, I got really depressed and started sleeping 18 hours per day and wasn't doing any of my homework. I ended up leaving about 2 months later. When I left I was able to find a lab technician job at a semiconductor company but I hated the work. I stayed at this job for 6 months and I ended up going back to the same grad school (yes, dumb, I know) with no funding and I funded myself with student loans (paying out of state tuition) and brought my student loan debt even higher. The classes were way over my head and I ended up dropping them and moved back home. I found another job (electrical engineering), but the pay was really low and it was just a contract job. I stayed here for 6 months and then about 3 weeks abo I starte da new job as an engineer. I thought this would be a good opportunity so I took it. So far I have just been told to read stuff all day for the past 2 weeks. Pretty boring, but I think it could become interesting in the future. However, I can barely bring myself to get out of bed in the morning and I am usually about a half hour late every day. Not good, I know. I recently moved about an hour from home and I have no friends out here (not that I had any friends back home either though).

I want to go back to grad school but I want to try a different school. My parents are opposed to the idea since I have screwed up in grad school so many times before. I just can't handle the structure and schedule of the "real world". I need a more flexible schedule where I can wake up when I feel ready to wake up. I just have no interest in industry, really. I want a job as a professor. Sometimes I feel like I chose the wrong field altogether.

I feel a lot of regret for leaving grad school the first time. I was actually doing well now that I think of it. My advisor actually assured me that I was doing well. I was in good shape (now I am a fat slob) and I was getting good enough grades. I also had some publications and some good accomplishments. I also had a crush on a girl and I was about to get her I think but then I left school. I haven't had a girlfriend since or much of a life at all, actually.

I thought maybe someone here could provide some insight. What am I missing in life? Sometimes I just want to end it. What is the point?

 

[Vanadium 50]

If you think you might be mentally ill, you need to see a mental health professional. We cannot diagnose you here.