Reading Body Language: Help for a 15-Year-Old

[Stratosphere]

I am in need of some help. I like a girl who I think likes me, however I can't seem to get to talk to her enough to actually try and read some body language. At the age of 15 I lack the experience to know how to approach such a situation. I have asked some other kids for advice who have dated before but of course they give horrible advice. The girl who I do like has a lot of other guys who like the way she looks and only that, I on the other hand have always kind of liked here before she started to look really good (I have read somewhere that usably the smarter the person the less and less looks matter). She sits next to me during my English class but I can't really find anything to say that might bring her attention to me, I had though of trying to come up with something that has to do with physics or astronomy but other course the common kid doesn't think of such things. I used to talk to her a lot in 8th grade (in 9th grade now) but that went away for some reason. I think that it might be important to note that she does look at me when I am turned away because I have good peripheral vision. Any advice that I could try out? I have 5 days left of school before summer vacation, if I plan on doing something I should try it now, I would hate to wait for next year.

 

[lisab]

Ask her a question to get her to talk about herself.

For example, you could ask her what she plans to do for summer. Then ask a follow-up question...so if she says, "I'm going to my grandparent's house," you could say, "Where do they live? How long will you be there? Do you get along with them? Will other cousins be there?" That sort of thing.

 

[elect_eng]

Any advice that I could try out? I have 5 days left of school before summer vacation, if I plan on doing something I should try it now, I would hate to wait for next year.

Absolutely. If she really does like you then waiting will get you nothing. By the end of summer she will have forgotten you and will even resent the fact that you did not make your move. You will have little chance after that! Go for it now and accept the results whatever they may turn out to be. Even if she says no now, she will think of you all summer and maybe you will have a chance next year.

 

[Kurdt]

Just tell her you like her.

 

[BobG]

Next time you see her, start spinning around counter-clockwise.

When she asks you what you're doing, say "I'm spinning counter-clockwise to steal some of the angular momentum of the Earth, forcing it to slow down its rate of rotation, and delaying the end of the school year by some small fraction of a second just to extend the time I have with you."

Bonus points if you actually calculate how much later the Sun will rise tomorrow because of your actions. Double bonus points if you know the prefix for that small of a unit of time.

Guaranteed to get a reaction from her.

(I'm just afraid to guarantee what that reaction will be.)

 

[cristo]

Just tell her you like her.

You're always so rational There go the chances of this thread taking 50 odd pages.

... cue Cyrus...[/size]

 

[Astronuc]

I am in need of some help.

Have you ever said Good morning or Good afternoon to her, as in "Good morning, ~~~~~~~"?

She'll either respond or not. If she responds in kind, just say "What's up", or "how are things going?"

Or do as Kurdt mentioned, and tell her that you like her, but in a subtle, not too imposing way, e.g., that you miss her over the summer.

However, using between the salutation and "I like you", there is some small talk or friendly banter.

I used to talk with girls around me in high school and university. It was just friendly talk, since I wasn't interested in pursuing a girl for an exclusive relationship.

 

[Math Is Hard]

For example, you could ask her what she plans to do for summer. Then ask a follow-up question...so if she says, "I'm going to my grandparent's house," you could say, "Where do they live? How long will you be there? Do you get along with them? Will other cousins be there?" That sort of thing.

But give her a chance to say something between the questions, of course. Otherwise, the effect is quite different.

 

[lisab]

But give her a chance to say something between the questions, of course. Otherwise, the effect is quite different.

Good point...or the last question would be, "Hey, where are you going?"

 

[Math Is Hard]

Good point...or the last question would be, "Hey, where are you going?"

That made me snort.

 

[neu]

You need to relax; maybe you're right and she likes you maybe not. You give the impression that you sit next to her but you don't talk to her much. If you just acknowledge her when you see her and ask how she is, she'll will acknowledge you more, then oppurtunities will arise for you to talk more.

See if you get on, if you do, then it might be a good time to ask her out. But you have to relax and accept that you might not hit it off, just see it as a making conversation to start with as astronuc says. The rest you have to learn for yourself I'm afraid.

 

[jobyts]

Next time you see her, start spinning around counter-clockwise.

When she asks you what you're doing, say "I'm spinning counter-clockwise to steal some of the angular momentum of the Earth, forcing it to slow down its rate of rotation, and delaying the end of the school year by some small fraction of a second just to extend the time I have with you."

Bonus points if you actually calculate how much later the Sun will rise tomorrow because of your actions. Double bonus points if you know the prefix for that small of a unit of time.

Guaranteed to get a reaction from her.

(I'm just afraid to guarantee what that reaction will be.)

2 possible outcome:
Either, she starts spinning in the counter-clockwise direction, which is a positive sign.
Or, she starts spinning in the clockwise direction, which is bad.

 

[junglebeast]

Stratosphere,

Here's my advice buddy

1) The most important thing when courting a woman is to have confidence. This is true for several reasons. The first reason is that almost all girls are passive by nature. They want YOU to ask them out, they want YOU to be the leader in most things. So, if you don't have confidence, and girls are passive, then most likely nothing will come of it. Of course, this isn't true of all girls...a girl with a crush will give you subtle signals that she likes you (to her, these are blatantly obvious, but a guy might not realize it). For example, if she ever asks you for help with something, that's the number one signal.

The second reason why confidence is important is because almost all girls are attracted to confidence. Perhaps this goes back to some primitive desire to have a man that can protect and defend a family. Who knows. This doesn't mean that they want you to be a cocky *******, however. You have to be nice. You have to be courteous, you have to be respectful, but at the same time they are attracted to the kind of confidence that means you know what to do when they aren't sure.

2) The second basic thing you have to understand is that girls invest themselves very carefully. This is somewhat different from guys. A guy might observe all the girls around until he spots one that he is completely enamored with, and would be willing to do anything to win the affections of. Over time, that might change...he'll get bored of her, eventually toss her aside. For girls, it's the exact opposite. A girl will date just about anyone, and not think anything of it. She's mostly concerned with what's on the inside. Also, it's a huge confidence booster for girls to go out on dates, even if they don't really like the guy they are going out with. They might even go on several dates with one guy without caring very much about him. But if they stick around, their dedication will almost certainly continue to grow over time.

3) Be funny. Being funny is probably the most important thing in courting a woman in my opinion. If you can get her to laugh, this causes her to loosen up, you both are smiling, it creates a connection. A joke is a special thing because it's something that the two of you share and laugh about which nobody else is involved in. This causes her to associate that feeling of entertainment with you, which is definitely good.

What do these facts imply? A simple strategy for effectively courting women, if you think about it. First, it's irrelevant if she actually likes you or not to begin with...because girls take to decide who they like anyway! If you confidently pursue her, ask her out, she is likely to say yes even if she doesn't think much of you just to boost her own ego. This gives you personal time in which you can demonstrate the unique qualities you have to offer.

On kissing: if you ever get to that point where you feel like, perhaps you could kiss her and she wouldn't run away, it's probably a good thing to do. There are several reasons. If you don't kiss her, then you've wimped out, and it will only be more and more difficult to work up the courage to do it next time. Also, she will likely get the impression that you are not interested. Finally, if you do kiss her, and you make it good, this really locks in your progress. You'll have no trouble arranging another meeting. And what is a good kiss? It comes back to confidence again. Don't give her a tentative little peck on the cheek. This reeks of insecurity and is a real let down. Let the passion flow, really enjoy it...and that's a good kiss.

Oh, and at all costs do not break down and profess how you've always loved her and would do anything for her. This will spell instant doom to your future with her. Remember that girls don't work this way...they have to build up the feeling of love over many meetings, so she'll just think you are crazy and pathetic. Worse, she will get the idea that she can do better..because you are practically giving yourself away. No, you want her to feel like she's getting a real winner, someone who is worth of her greatness...and that means holding back on showing how strongly you might feel for her at the beginning.

However, you can't just ignore her, and you have to get that first date without demeaning yourself. Girls are busy creatures so don't give up if she declines the first offer you think of to go on a date, because she probably has some other plans. But you have to not let that get you down. The next time you get an opportunity, you have to be smiling and acting as charming as ever, then just ask again...until you get it.

Good luck

 

[Stratosphere]

You need to relax; maybe you're right and she likes you maybe not. You give the impression that you sit next to her but you don't talk to her much. If you just acknowledge her when you see her and ask how she is, she'll will acknowledge you more, then oppurtunities will arise for you to talk more.

See if you get on, if you do, then it might be a good time to ask her out. But you have to relax and accept that you might not hit it off, just see it as a making conversation to start with as astronuc says. The rest you have to learn for yourself I'm afraid.

Well you see, I have noticed that sometimes when our eyes meet, her eyes seem to be dilated which is a good sign. At the end of 8th grade on the bus when I was alone, she started to tell me I looked "sexy", however this was all in a way that it could have been taken as she was kidding, but I highly doubt it, I still wonder what would have happened if I had played along with her, unfortunately I didn't like her then. The thing is that she has a lot of choices other than me (I suppose I have many choices too but I wouldn’t get into a relationship with a girl just because I thought she was sexy).

 

[Astronuc]

I have 5 days left of school before summer vacation, . . . .

If only you had come to use sooner. Has one spoken with her before?

Consider flowers and a card on the last day of school.

Also, just keep it friendly for now - no pressure.

 

[junglebeast]

If only you had come to use sooner. Has one spoken with her before?

Consider flowers and a card on the last day of school.

Also, just keep it friendly for now - no pressure.

This sounds like the kind of advice my mother used to give me. Ah..painful memories of rejection...

 

[Astronuc]

At the end of 8th grade on the bus when I was alone, she started to tell me I looked "sexy", however this was all in a way that it could have been taken as she was kidding, but I highly doubt it, I still wonder what would have happened if I had played along with her, unfortunately I didn't like her then.

In a case like that, all you need to say is "Thanks. And you have beautiful eyes. In fact, you look absolutely gorgeous." and just leave it at that.

The thing is that she has a lot of choices other than me (I suppose I have many choices too but I wouldn’t get into a relationship with a girl just because I thought she was sexy).

Yeah - so what. Don't be negative on oneself. Getting into a relationship because of someone's looks is quick way to hit a dead end.

If this girl is intelligent, she might prefer a relationship with a thoughtful and intelligent young man.

I knew girls in college who were gorgeous and had lots of choices. They were generally disappointed with those choices.

 

[junglebeast]

Well you see, I have noticed that sometimes when our eyes meet, her eyes seem to be dilated which is a good sign. At the end of 8th grade on the bus when I was alone, she started to tell me I looked "sexy", however this was all in a way that it could have been taken as she was kidding, but I highly doubt it, I still wonder what would have happened if I had played along with her, unfortunately I didn't like her then. The thing is that she has a lot of choices other than me (I suppose I have many choices too but I wouldn’t get into a relationship with a girl just because I thought she was sexy).

That's a "textbook" sign of showing interest in you. You definitely had a shot there. It doesn't mean she's still curious about you, because that was a while ago, but I would be very surprised if she turns you down.

Also, you're 15...I know kids feel old at the age of 15, and you probably talk about sex with your friends and you probably think they are all doing it, but they're not. You don't have to have sex yet. That's disturbing and weird for kids of your age. Saying you're "sexy" doesn't mean she's ready to have sex with you, it's just her way of showing interest.

I recommend that you invite her to go do something with you. Not a "formal" date or anything, it could be anything as simple as hanging out...although you need something to base it on. If you have a final project due in a class, asking her to come over and work on the project with you is a great one.

 

[zoobyshoe]

I think you should just forget about her. The fact you posted here means the whole thing has become too big an issue in your mind: it'll never work out naturally. When these things work, they happen kinda quickly and naturally, with no anguish or indecisiveness.

 

[elect_eng]

I think you should just forget about her. The fact you posted here means the whole thing has become too big an issue in your mind: it'll never work out naturally. When these things work, they happen kinda quickly and naturally, with no anguish or indecisiveness

Giving up is never a good option. Even if you're right, better to let him try and fail than to just quit. Besides, he's not trying to marry her and at age 15 anguish and indecisiveness are normal. Hell, I felt that way in my early 20's. However, I don't totally disagree with your comments. I met my wife at age 30 and it was exactly as you describe - as natural as if I knew her in a previous life - I would say it was fate if I believed in that notion.

 

[Moonbear]

Since school is almost out, you have a good excuse to ask her out. When you first arrive in class with her, so there's no awkward silence first, just ask her if she'd like to do something after school gets out the last day to celebrate the start of summer and no more homework or exams. Choose someplace like a favorite diner/burger joint, or maybe an ice cream shop if there's one near you. If you're allowed and she's allowed (15 is a tricky age still involving parental permission...so check with your parents first if this is an issue), maybe rent a movie and invite her to your house to watch it. Now, nothing else other than conversation, and maybe holding hands if she allows it gets to happen when she's at your house or you'll have to face the wrath of the PF Sisters...and her father or brothers if she has any. Renting a movie is good because it gives you something to watch (go choose one together that you both like...if you can't both decide, agree on something she likes if you want to impress her) and you can talk while watching...you can even talk about the movie itself if you need a conversation starter.

If the parental units decide that a 15 y.o. boy and girl should not be watching movies at the boy's house, then you have to suck it up and go to a movie theater, unless there's some other great idea of something to do in a public place. Obviously, you can't talk during the movie in a theater, but at least you can talk before and after and on the way there.

If there isn't a natural opportunity sooner, and you enjoy spending the time with her, and she has been friendly too (i.e., hasn't spent the entire time silent), after you both return to your own homes, call her...if it's early enough, the same night, or else the next afternoon (don't disturb her in the morning her first day off of school). When you call her, tell her you had a good time, and really like her, and are wondering if she'd like to do something with you again, "maybe as a date this time." If she likes you at all and is interested and ready for dating, she will be tickled to her toes to hear that. If she isn't that interested, the phrasing is tentative enough to let her make an excuse not to spend more time together so you don't get too harsh of a rejection. It could happen the first time you ask someone out, so don't let it keep you from asking other girls out in the future.

Edit: That last part, of calling her after to ask for a "date" also means you don't have to be disappointed if your plans of asking her to do something after school ends up turning into a group activity. Just getting her to go do something with you outside of school gives you an excuse to call her after and let her know you enjoyed hanging out with her and that you want the next time to be a real date.

 

[zoobyshoe]

Giving up is never a good option. Even if you're right, better to let him try and fail than to just quit. Besides, he's not trying to marry her and at age 15 anguish and indecisiveness are normal. Hell, I felt that way in my early 20's. However, I don't totally disagree with your comments. I met my wife at age 30 and it was exactly as you describe - as natural as if I knew her in a previous life - I would say it was fate if I believed in that notion.

Sometimes it's a Chinese finger puzzle: giving up is the only way out.

Some degree of anguish and indecisiveness might be normal, but the only thing to be learned from experiencing them is that they get you nowhere. Things work out when you're not too balled up about them.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

I had though of trying to come up with something that has to do with physics or astronomy but other course the common kid doesn't think of such things.

When I was young I thought I was interested in girls that I really wouldn't have been if I had known them better. Why do you think you would be interested in a girl who you are unsure would be interested in the same things you are? The girl I had the best chance of going out with in high school was the girl I talked to and hung out with everyday. Too bad I didn't figure that out before she started dating someone else. I don't know why you have a hard time talking to her if you used to talked to her often before. Perhaps this inability to talk to her is a bit telling.
Maybe finding a girl you don't have trouble talking to would be a better option? Maybe she is already right under your nose and you are too hung up on this other girl to notice?

Either way, go for it and see what happens. Just try talking to her like you used to. Bring up the 'good old days'. Be a friend first instead of just another guy who wants to go out with her, then take it from there.

 

[neu]

The fact you bring up her eye dilation is an indicator of 2 things: nerdishness, and stalkishness.

Stop wondering if she likes you or not and analysing her pupils, forget about all of that, just talk to her, if it goes well ask her out. If she laughs at you then she's an arsehole and it's a lucky escape. You have nothing to loose.

You don't have to be really charismatic or funny or good looking, just be nice to start with. Nice guys finish last but they start well.

 

[Office_Shredder]

The fact you bring up her eye dilation is an indicator of 2 things: nerdishness, and stalkishness.

Damnit, I was totally going to do this bit.

If nothing else, I highly recommend not mentioning the eye dilation to her

 

[Loren Booda]

This nerd could see her pulse in her eyes!

Remember that you may have to wait for the right opportunity to share your personality. This may be more comfortable at another time of life, but for now give her your respect (where I failed for many years) and save the sexuality for later in the relationship.

Women come with many different maturities, ethics and just plain likes. I try not restrict myself (other than a monogamous older girl-friendship) to women based on age, looks, health, marital status, etc. - mostly to have a good time. It's great practice for 95% of one's life. Yes, I do take a peek at the hotties occasionally. They're a good test of one's honesty, too.

Eye dilation can also be a sign of fear. It bugs most anyone for another to scrutinize their automatic reactions. Enjoy the unconscious together, then move on with humility.

 

[Moonbear]

The fact you bring up her eye dilation is an indicator of 2 things: nerdishness, and stalkishness.

I missed that detail. Who notices eye dilation when talking to someone unless they're a cop interrogating them or a physician examining them?

When you look into her eyes, if you're busy examining her pupil size, you can't be all that attracted to her. If you were attracted to her, you'd be looking at the rest of her, or focused on listening to what she was saying.

Rather than sitting around analyzing ambiguous "clues" like pupil size, the only way you're going to get anywhere is to just ask her to do something with you. Her answer will tell you if she is interested back or thinks you're a weirdo for staring her down all the time.

Just to put the silly ideas out of your head, other reasons for dilated pupils aside from attraction:
Fear (as mentioned by Loren; it's part of the fight or flight response)
Looking at more distant objects (maybe she's not making eye contact, but disinterested and looking past/through you to either stare into space out of boredom or at something else past you that is more interesting).
Dim light in the room or area.
Various medications, including over the counter antihistamines and decongestants dilate the pupils (she might just have allergies).
Neurological conditions.

 

[BobG]

I missed that detail. Who notices eye dilation when talking to someone unless they're a cop interrogating them or a physician examining them?

When you look into her eyes, if you're busy examining her pupil size, you can't be all that attracted to her. If you were attracted to her, you'd be looking at the rest of her, or focused on listening to what she was saying.

Rather than sitting around analyzing ambiguous "clues" like pupil size, the only way you're going to get anywhere is to just ask her to do something with you. Her answer will tell you if she is interested back or thinks you're a weirdo for staring her down all the time.

Just to put the silly ideas out of your head, other reasons for dilated pupils aside from attraction:
Fear (as mentioned by Loren; it's part of the fight or flight response)
Looking at more distant objects (maybe she's not making eye contact, but disinterested and looking past/through you to either stare into space out of boredom or at something else past you that is more interesting).
Dim light in the room or area.
Various medications, including over the counter antihistamines and decongestants dilate the pupils (she might just have allergies).
Neurological conditions.

It's true that focusing on her pupil dilation is counter-productive. Her pupil size affects your attraction to her. It doesn't necessarily indicate her attraction to you. The frequency of her pupil dilation can be an indication of what type of partner she's most likely to prefer, though (you'd need more than one encounter to gauge that).

It's your pupil size that affects her attraction to you and the affect of your pupil size on her will vary.

Dim romantically lit rooms and alcohol cause your eyes to dilate, which will definitely make her more attractive to you and can make you more attractive to her.

There's a lot more variability in the pupil size women desire in any event. Almost all women prefer larger pupils when they're ovulating and most likely to conceive. During the non-fertile times of the month, some women still prefer large pupils and those women tend to have many short term relationships. Some women prefer medium size pupils and those women tend to have stable, longer lasting relationships (they use other criteria, such as intelligence and honesty, to pick their mates). In fact, it's almost as if the best mating strategy for females is to establish a long term relationship with a stable male and have brief sexual affairs with very masculine males when they're most likely to conceive.

Edit: Paragraph deleted, because, actually, her pupil size at some given instant tells you nothing. You'd be better off knowing her menstrual cycle.

If you have small pupils, you're pretty much hosed all the way around. No one likes you because you have 'beady eyes'.

A sexual selection approach to women’s pupil size preferences in a potential mate

 

[TeTeC]

"Hey, could you tell me when you're ovulating ?"

 

[BobG]

"Hey, could you tell me when you're ovulating ?"

That's only half the battle. Now you have to control the dilation of your eyes to match the answer. (i.e. - the best strategy is a few seconds of large pupils right off the bat to generate interest followed by moderately sized pupils since, being a male, you're obviously looking for a long term relationship rather than a one night stand).