Recovering (?) from a fight in a relationship

[hutchphd]

30% failure rate, I suppose that's better than every other one?

This is a silly analysis IMHO For instance, all marriages that do not last "forever" are not failures.
What is the cost benefit analysis? Failures compared to what?? I can't figure out whether this argument is misogyny, general misanthropy, or pro-monasticism. Or what ?
In the long run we're all dead, too.

.

 

[Office_Shredder]

30% failure rate, I suppose that's better than every other one?
Would you be ok with a 30% failure rate in your development projects at work? Your research?

Over your career?

What percent of people who get a PhD end up with a tenure position? I would guess it's less than half, meaning marriage is a better bet than getting a career in academia under your metric.

Or I don't know
https://www.peta.org/blog/experimen...-done/#:~:text=1.,to lead to human treatments.

Feel free to be skeptical of peta's numbers, but marriage probably has a higher success rate than most scientific research also.

https://www.cappex.com/articles/blo...al four-year graduation,a degree in six years.

Graduating college is another example that doesn't really look better than marriage.

I don't know, you make it out like 50/50 is a terrible rate but people do lots of things in life that don't succeed even half the time, and some of those things are huge investments (go to college, run a pharmaceutical trial).

Happy to move this to another thread to avoid polluting this one

 

[pinball1970]

What percent of people who get a PhD end up with a tenure position? I would guess it's less than half, meaning marriage is a better bet than getting a career in academia under your metric.

Or I don't know
https://www.peta.org/blog/experiments-on-animals-fail-90-of-the-time-why-are-they-still-done/#:~:text=1.,to lead to human treatments.

Feel free to be skeptical of peta's numbers, but marriage probably has a higher success rate than most scientific research also.

https://www.cappex.com/articles/blog/government-publishes-graduation-rate-data#:~:text=The official four-year graduation,a degree in six years.

Graduating college is another example that doesn't really look better than marriage.

I don't know, you make it out like 50/50 is a terrible rate but people do lots of things in life that don't succeed even half the time, and some of those things are huge investments (go to college, run a pharmaceutical trial).

Happy to move this to another thread to avoid polluting this one

You are ok with 50%? That's fine.

 

[pinball1970]

This is a silly analysis IMHO For instance, all marriages that do not last "forever" are not failures.
What is the cost benefit analysis? Failures compared to what?? I can't figure out whether this argument is misogyny, general misanthropy, or pro-monasticism. Or what ?
In the long run we're all dead, too.

.

Analysis? I just just put a few stats in there.

Do you have more rigorous numbers? More recent?

 

[pinball1970]

I would also argue a high divorce rate is not a good reason for one party to act like a grad A jackass.

Agreed. Most peopleople getting married probably do not look at the numbers beforehand though.

 

[Vanadium 50]

The triumph of hope over experience.

 

[hutchphd]

Analysis? I just just put a few stats in there.

Do you have more rigorous numbers? More recent?

I think the latest data shows that in the long run we are still dead.

My question was really what was your point, statistics or not.

 

[mathwonk]

Just my 2 cents on divorce rates. I have known quite a few people who married, then divorced, and then married again for a much longer period, often for the rest of their lives.

At first I faulted them, but these people were usually much happier with their second spouse than their first. So my take on it now is that it is not always easy to recognize the right person the first time, and it can actually be helpful to acknowledge that and move on. Once you find the right person for you, hang in there, but maybe it is not required to pretend with the wrong person.

So finding your soulmate should perhaps be counted as success, even if it took a couple tries. I realize not everyone will feel this way, and there is also wisdom perhaps in trying hard to make a marriage work, if it can, by trying to mature. I did not start out with this point of view on divorce, but many years of observing my friends and their journeys has brought me here.

 

[berkeman]

This ^^^^

It turned out that my first wife was dishonest with me (and her parents) about a fundamental part of her philosophy about having kids. I did not find this out until after we had kids, which was very unfortunate. After the kids were over 18 we divorced (very expensive divorce for me).

I've been very lucky to find my soulmate since then, and we are now very happily married. We both share the same philosophy about raising and nurturing and encouraging the best in our kids and grandkids, which is wonderful.

And to @ergospherical -- I guess all that I can say is to be open and honest in your relationships, and ask for the same in return. Be open to listen to constructive criticism, and be willing to offer the same in the right spirit. When you start linking up with the right potential soulmates, you will find that this approach makes things go much smoother.

(Modulo the hormones that young folks have flowing through their bloodstreams -- that will make this much more challenging for a number of years in your young life...)

 

[Vanadium 50]

very expensive divorce

As the old joke goes, "Why is divorce so expensive?" "Because it's worth every penny."

 

[pinball1970]

The triumph of hope over experience.

That's the spirit!

One can hope that the 50% that do not get divorced do not include a sizable chunk the 25% that cheat.

 

[pinball1970]

Just my 2 cents on divorce rates. I have known quite a few people who married, then divorced, and then married again for a much longer period, often for the rest of their lives.

At first I faulted them, but these people were usually much happier with their second spouse than their first. So my take on it now is that it is not always easy to recognize the right person the first time, and it can actually be helpful to acknowledge that and move on. Once you find the right person for you, hang in there, but maybe it is not required to pretend with the wrong person.

So finding your soulmate should perhaps be counted as success, even if it took a couple tries. I realize not everyone will feel this way, and there is also wisdom perhaps in trying hard to make a marriage work, if it can, by trying to mature. I did not start out with this point of view on divorce, but many years of observing my friends and their journeys has brought me here.

That seems like a lot of effort, meet, mate, marry, divorce and try again.

Some people dedicate their whole life to this filtering process, not necessarily with marriage as a goal to land a permanent partner.
Not perfect partner obviously, there is that 2% you hate but you bite your lip because it rarely shows itself.

Perhaps Ergo (who has fled the scene) will settle into this process and be happy?

My point was, something went wrong somewhere and the process is broken. It is best to avoid it. That is for me.

 

[pinball1970]

I think the latest data shows that in the long run we are still dead.

My question was really what was your point, statistics or not.

I made my point early doors.

 

[fresh_42]

I think we can close this thread now. For its actual purpose, we would need the OP and for general treatment, we would need to buy a new server. (cp. post #32)