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Girl I am interested in, not sure what to do

  1. Feb 24, 2013 #1
    Ok, so there is this girl I have liked for the past year and a half or so. We have gotten close and hang out somewhat often. Last week for her birthday I took her out to a very fancy restaurant and the whole deal. After I told her that I liked her. About 8 months ago I told her to and she said to ask her to be her girlfriend ''later'', and 8 months later I did the same thing. We were sitting in my car after dinner and just talked about our feelings for each other. she said she likes me more than just as a friend, but she is afraid to be in a relationship.

    I'm 21 and she is 26, she has never been in a relationship (red flag?). Well the car conversation ended with atleast kissing on the cheek, which is more than she's ever done before with a boy.

    The thing is, I'm infatuated with her, but I'm wondering if I should just give up, because after trying for nearly a year, I'm getting the message that she doesn't want to be in a relationship, but I don't know if I could bear to just be friends.

    Oh yeah as an update from my last thread, the girl who's camera I deleted all the info on had it all backed up and we are back to being friends how it was before.
  2. jcsd
  3. Feb 24, 2013 #2
    Looks like there are really many possibilities here. All the way from wether or not she is neurotypical or very introvert, or is she calculating and considers you immature, but nice to have all your attention.

    The best way to find out is talk, open and honest, softly and gently but a bit persistent, and study non verbal reactions.
  4. Feb 24, 2013 #3

    Well she is from a different country and sometimes there is a communication barrier. That is interesting though, I can't tell if she isn't neurotypical or if it's just a language barrier that is the reason why she misses social cues somewhat often (I mean who could mistake taking out a girl for a $100 dinner as being anything other than liking her?)

    I can't tell if when she says she not ready for a relationship if that is sincere or just a cop out either..
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2013
  5. Feb 24, 2013 #4
    Different culture too? That's very delicate, she may be worrying about complications, you would never have thought, it would be possible.
  6. Feb 25, 2013 #5
    You take her out for a 100$ dinner after 8 months and she still makes you "wait"?

    What is your gut feeling about that?
  7. Feb 25, 2013 #6


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    Is she really sweet (as in atrociously beautiful) ? I mean, is she really the candy worth waiting/paying for ?
  8. Feb 25, 2013 #7
    Woopydalan, communication is a not the issue here. My suggestion is, stay out of her and find another girl (who will NOT ask you to be her friend (or more than friend)).
  9. Feb 25, 2013 #8

    jim hardy

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    my 2 cents only -

    What about an experiment, in the spirit of scientific method?

    I dont know whether Mother Nature was kind or cruel when she made young men.
    To my recollection ( yes i was once young) we are (were in my case) marvelously equipped to fall head over heels for whatever seems at the moment unattainable.
    I believe women have a sixth sense in these matters.
    She may well sense that you are 'infatuated'.
    Since healthy relationships are non-smothering, in your shoes i'd give her space.
    If next week you find yourself infatuated with another, well, she was right - you weren't ready.

    old jim
    Last edited: Feb 25, 2013
  10. Feb 25, 2013 #9
    What culture is she from?
  11. Feb 25, 2013 #10
    Well she is vietnamese if that matters, but I mean I have had strong feelings for over a year now. It's hard to let go of all that emotional attachment. Maybe I am just pursuing what I can't attain, I'm kind of an emotional roller coaster about the issue really. I've been depressed all week
  12. Feb 25, 2013 #11


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    Been there, done that. Aaaaah!

    Sorry to be blunt but... stop thinking with your genitals.

    Run away now while you still can.
  13. Feb 26, 2013 #12


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    It does - it could have been a lot more difficult. :biggrin:

    The good thing is you have both talked about your feelings.

    Given your ages I guess she doesn't see you as ideally what she would like to find, someone more mature, sorry, and economically established. If I'm right she may not value your devotion all that much and it could even be a bit of an irritant.

    We seem to all agree one way or another you can't go on like this.

    So it seems to me you now have nothing to lose and must throw a gamble. Say I know I haven't got a hope of keeping you (not just flattering but reassuring and empowering) and am resigned (lie glibly) but I am crazy about you (etc.) and would do anything you want, look you haven't had a relationship experience, why don't you just use me. Like for practice. Then if this works at all, maybe not immediately you may have further problems, no, you certainly will, but maybe problems you prefer to have than this problem of the nothing you have now.
  14. Feb 26, 2013 #13
    I am not somebody's "practice".
  15. Feb 26, 2013 #14


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    I don't know if this is part of the problem or not, but sometimes cultural differences can break down to "I really like you, but my traditional family would have a difficult time accepting you and shun me for even getting close to you." Unfortunately I've seen this happen more than once. I don't know that there is a perfect solution in these cases, but this kind of pressure means that she has to be really sure that you're worth the risk. Personally I think in most cases this barrier ends up being not quite so horrible as it can be built up to be, but that doesn't alter the action potential.

    If that's not the case... sometimes a song can say it best:
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 25, 2014
  16. Feb 26, 2013 #15

    jim hardy

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    If you need an icebreaker, track down a video of a 1973 movie
    " Love and Pain and the Whole Damn Thing "

    Maggie Smith and Timothy Bottoms as two people of disparate age and background.
  17. Feb 27, 2013 #16


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    Learn more about relationships in her culture...
  18. Feb 27, 2013 #17


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    Ho, choosy are we? :biggrin: Well, apart from the fact there are worse things :wink: and maybe you've got them, you decide, but you are not getting to choose or decide anything at present. You are both in static positions so you gotta do something that tends to fluidise things, get her thinking moving, it's only the next step in an unforeseeable dynamic, you can say you don't really mean that later or straightaway, and as you can't lay down what are her choices and actions you gotta be flexible yourself, maybe a bit less dead serious:frown: yourself?

    It's just an idea anyway. If not, what else?
  19. Mar 2, 2013 #18
    Last edited: Mar 2, 2013
  20. Mar 3, 2013 #19


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    Has she changed her mind about not seeing you anymore?:wink:
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