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Statement of Purpose Critique v2.0

  1. Jan 6, 2014 #1
    Here is my second draft, a decent improve from first. I really do not like my first and last paragraphs, they need some big-time help. Thanks.
    Also, I think it's questionable putting in the italicized sentence. Let me know what you think.

    Earning a PhD in physics would allow me to continue my passion for not only learning, but teaching and researching physics. After adding a physics major to my degree in my third year, it has become an integral part of my life. The inclusion of physics in my life has grown over the years, focusing mainly on astronomy and astrophysics. I can only hope to make a significant contribution in the field of astrophysics through research, and eventually helping others with research.
    I have been assisting Professor XXXXXX in observing binary star systems. This includes operating YYYYYYYY University’s twenty-four inch optical telescope. During the fall semester of this year I took Practical Astronomy as an independent study with XXXXXX to pursue my interest in this field. This course involved calibrating the telescope as well as collecting, processing, and analyzing data. Once the data was collected I used software to process and plot the light curve. Recently, I was involved in a project determining the radii of a confirmed exoplanet and F-star. In addition to my work in the field of practical astronomy, I also worked on two projects with Professor ZZZZZZ over the past year. The former involved an oscillating granular system in which convection and the angle of repose were recorded for various frequencies of vibration and different shapes and sizes of containers. The second project, taken as an independent study, involves examining how photovoltaic solar cells perform under conditions of extreme cold.  The results produced from this experiment show that the cells that were submerged in liquid nitrogen had an improved performance. Professor ZZZZZZ and I, along with two other students, recently submitted an abstract [to the APS] for publication. The above work not only helped prepare me for my graduate studies by gaining research experience, but was a realization of a passion I hold for independent scientific research.
                Additionally, I had an opportunity to be a supplementary instructor for “General Physics”. This involved attending the course and holding recitation and review for students. The experience I gained will help me hold a Teaching Assistant position at WWWWWW University as I pursue my graduate studies. I will be continuing this position in January 2014 for “General Physics II”. Aside from physics I held many interests; playing guitar, cooking, staying fit, experiencing the outdoors, and women. While physics consumes a great deal of my time, my ability to effectively manage my time allowed me to not only follow my passion, but these interests as well.
                It is the enormity of physics which initially interested me in the subject. With that being said, I have a focus in astronomy and astrophysics. When searching for a graduate school to attend, WWWWWW’s program seemed to have much to offer in those fields. Being that I am still exploring the field, the breadth of WWWWWW's physics program looks very engaging.
  2. jcsd
  3. Jan 6, 2014 #2
    The italicized portion is clearly inappropriate. Never mention sexual preference in any job application and I have no idea why you would want to.
  4. Jan 6, 2014 #3
    Just as another example of extra curricula.. perhaps relationships is a better word.
  5. Jan 6, 2014 #4
    I know it depends on departments but how good a TA you can be likely does not matter. How good an RA you can be is what you should focus on
  6. Jan 7, 2014 #5
    This is the feedback I keep getting.

    I will probably take it back, but it says on the departments webpage that graduate students will spend a good deal of time teaching so I wanted to include ho my experience would help.

    P.S. It it quite clear I need to change 'women', I meant holding relationships. Please comment of other aspects, thank you.
    Last edited: Jan 7, 2014
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