what I'm trying to say is that i keep putting off studying because i have nothing in the present to connect it to...i'm relatively certain that i could reach a pretty high level pretty quickly if i can figure out how to become passionate about mathematics for its own sake like i have other subjects in the past (i probably know more about Classical and European history than anyone else on this forum, for instance)
i recognize that i need to develop my mathematical ability, which I'm reasonably sure i have some sort of talent in just based on my thinking patterns, but I'm having trouble separating what i want to do from self-doubt and concerns that since i know very little at this point that i am incapable of reaching any impressive level of mastery
i have a decent idea of what i should study, in what order, but i find that general depression makes it much harder for me to achieve anything, because i have no focus...an idea may be intriguing, but i keep letting go of pursuing any questions because i assume i'll be unable to find the answer...the 'black-box' issue, if you will
so i guess I'm just being an attention whore, and basically saying that since I'm not in a structured environment, I'm seeking out people who will sort of challenge me, and I'm attempting to use this medium to do so
sorry :c