What Are Your Thoughts on Open Relationships?

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The discussion centers around open relationships, with participants sharing their thoughts and experiences. The original poster, who has been in an open relationship for nearly four years, describes it as fulfilling yet challenging. They seek mature responses and clarify that they are not referring to casual "friends with benefits" arrangements. Participants express a range of views, with some questioning the nature of open relationships and whether they can truly be considered relationships at all. There is a consensus that all parties involved must consent to the dynamics of an open relationship, and communication is essential. Some participants reflect on the evolution of dating norms, suggesting that younger generations may rush into exclusive relationships without adequately exploring their options. The conversation also touches on the importance of character and compatibility in relationships, with some emphasizing that true connection goes beyond mere physical attraction. Overall, the dialogue highlights the complexities and personal nature of relationship choices, advocating for honesty and mutual understanding among partners.
  • #51
I have a friend who is a poly. She attends poly socials. Did you have any questions you wanted to ask her?
 
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  • #52
DaveC426913 said:
I have a friend who is a poly. She attends poly socials. Did you have any questions you wanted to ask her?

Poly socials, like what?
 
  • #53
JasonRox said:
Small thing or not. It was a very valuable thing you did.
Her mother is 92 now, and suffering from dementia, but when I see her, she always has a smile for me. Our days in the maritimes were the first time she'd ever been out of the country, and I made sure to plan to visit attractions that she and her sister would like, so we wandered up the east shore of Fundy and visited the Evangeline Chapel, the Royal Gardens at Annapolis Royale, Victoria Park in Truro, and all kinds of other stops. The sisters were still telling people about it weeks later.

That was all great, but how could it compare to knowing that someone would take care of the love of my life when she was practically helpless? I should have taken those old ladies to Hawaii for a week - I just couldn't afford it.
 
  • #54
turbo-1 said:
Her mother is 92 now, and suffering from dementia, but when I see her, she always has a smile for me. Our days in the maritimes were the first time she'd ever been out of the country, and I made sure to plan to visit attractions that she and her sister would like, so we wandered up the east shore of Fundy and visited the Evangeline Chapel, the Royal Gardens at Annapolis Royale, Victoria Park in Truro, and all kinds of other stops. The sisters were still telling people about it weeks later.

That was all great, but how could it compare to knowing that someone would take care of the love of my life when she was practically helpless? I should have taken those old ladies to Hawaii for a week - I just couldn't afford it.

Hawaii is something you remember for short periods of time (hence, why people go every year).

What you did is more unique and thoughtful.
 
  • #55
Watch out, Jason! Cyrus just got un-banned. Actually, he might have to leave your thread alone...
 
  • #56
JasonRox said:
Small thing or not. It was a very valuable thing you did.

I agree. When things get tough, that's the truest test of a relationship.
 
  • #57
Terms of his parole?
 
  • #58
JasonRox said:
Poly socials, like what?
Uh, sort of a meet & greet with like-minded people. She's met many of her relationships at such things.
 
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  • #59
DaveC426913 said:
Uh, sort of a meet & greet with like-minded people. He's met many of her relationships at such things.

I thought about such things. I just don't think it's quite big in my area.

I thought you were talking about partner swapping for a second. :rolleyes:
 
  • #60
What's the difference in being in an open relationship and just dating someone non-exclusively?
 
  • #61
turbo-1 said:
Watch out, Jason! Cyrus just got un-banned. Actually, he might have to leave your thread alone...

I talk to him personally for girl advice. He helped me deal with my glass filling armpit sweat when I talk to girls.
 
  • #62
Math Is Hard said:
What's the difference in being in an open relationship and just dating someone non-exclusively?

Respect, and actually maintaining the relationship. Communication, and many other things.

Like Evo pointed out, you can search "polyamorous" relationships for a summary.
 
  • #63
Math Is Hard said:
What's the difference in being in an open relationship and just dating someone non-exclusively?
Polyamory has all the pitfalls of a monogamous relationship. They are work to maintain.
 
  • #64
So you respect and "communicate" with the primary girlfriend but not the others?

I'm just trying to understand how it works.
 
  • #65
Math Is Hard said:
So you respect and "communicate" with the primary girlfriend but not the others?

I'm just trying to understand how it works.
Everyone is consensual but jealousy happens. Communication is indeed the key.
 
  • #66
I looked it up on Wiki, but it seems ambiguous. It seems like you could have multiple boyfriends or girlfriends that you have equally loving relationships with, or, it could mean that you have one girlfriend or boyfriend but you sleep with other people (and you're honest about it).
 
  • #67
Math Is Hard said:
So you respect and "communicate" with the primary girlfriend but not the others?

I'm just trying to understand how it works.

Oh no, you communicate with all of them for sure.

Basically, I have no boundaries to how far I explore my relationship with someone else. If it starts interfering with another relationship, it can cause a break up in the problematic relationship. For example, I hang out with Melissa (fake name) two-three times a week. If I start a relationship with someone else, and I'm only hanging out with Melissa once a week now, it can cause conflict as it is obviously interfering with the relationship. The relationship can drop to "secondary" status, or we can just break it off, as a new primary relationship is emerging. Quite similar to being monogamous, and you start liking someone else, you break off the current relationship.

Also, I have rules to never deliberately interfere with another's relationship. Melissa for example can not whine to hang out with me Friday night if I have a date planned with someone else. By doing so, she's deliberately attempting to end the date, or if she a calls repeteatedly during a date. Or anything of the like. You either do not interfere or improve the relationships I have with others. Same rules apply for any new partner.

There are many other rules too. Of course, it seems complicated, but it's rather natural for me now.
 
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  • #68
Math Is Hard said:
What's the difference in being in an open relationship and just dating someone non-exclusively?

It's more of a "semi" exclusive thing. There's a real affection and relationship present, but recognition that your partner or yourself could have a similar relationship with another person at the same time as well. It's more serious than just dating, I think.
 
  • #69
JasonRox said:
I thought about such things. I just don't think it's quite big in my area.
What's your area?
 
  • #70
Math Is Hard said:
I looked it up on Wiki, but it seems ambiguous. It seems like you could have multiple boyfriends or girlfriends that you have equally loving relationships with, or, it could mean that you have one girlfriend or boyfriend but you sleep with other people (and you're honest about it).
Yes, there are different types. Usually, 3 but sometimes 4. The 4's are sometimes X's, sometimes N's or other (the letters represent pairings in the relationship. So, an 'N' is boy1-girl1, girl1-boy2, boy2-girl2. i.e. boy1 and girl2 have no relationship.)
 
  • #71
Math Is Hard said:
So you respect and "communicate" with the primary girlfriend but not the others?

I'm just trying to understand how it works.
Sure! And then you are assaulted by a supermodel who owns a brewery, and she tells you that she has an open-minded twin sister...


Does the primary girlfriend get a phone call?
 
  • #72
Math Is Hard said:
I looked it up on Wiki, but it seems ambiguous. It seems like you could have multiple boyfriends or girlfriends that you have equally loving relationships with, or, it could mean that you have one girlfriend or boyfriend but you sleep with other people (and you're honest about it).

The idea really is that you're free to explore yourself in any which way. That is not only in a sexual way. It's only one small aspect of it, but a big focus because of the social attention put onto it.

At first Melissa was thinking it was all about sex (surely), but through communication she realized that it wasn't. She would argue... "How can you have sex with someone else if our sex is sssoooo good? What if it's bad? How can it be as good?" And yes it is really good, but I'm not having sex with someone else because the sex is better or may be better. It's just part of the intimacy of a relationship. Also, she was afraid I might just sleep with anyone. I argued that wasn't the case since I've had threesomes offered to me and I rejected them because of one or the two girls involved. I like quality girls just like any monogamous person does (I mentionned earlier). I wouldn't sleep with anyone when I'm single, so why would I do it when I'm in an open relationship with someone else.
 
  • #73
DaveC426913 said:
What's your area?

South Ontario, not necessarily close to Toronto.
 
  • #74
Jeez, you're right here in Ontario! My friend lives in Toronto and the poly socials are often downtown.

You know, it doesn't have to be a club-like scene. Sometimes one can benefit just from talking with other people who experience the same challenges in their relationships.

[EDIT] Heh you beat me checking your profile page by one minute
 
  • #75
turbo-1 said:
Does the primary girlfriend get a phone call?

Get with the modern times. I text her smilies. :smile:
 
  • #76
DaveC426913 said:
Jeez, you're right here in Ontario! My friend lives in Toronto and the poly socials are often downtown.

You know, it doesn't have to be a club-like scene. Sometimes one can benefit just from talking with other people who experience the same challenges in their relationshiops.


My friend is one also, so we discuss the many challenges. Be nice to meet others.

It's a lot of work. There is no doubt about that.
 
  • #77
I dunno, it wouldn't work for me...I like to put everything into one direction, i guess.
 
  • #78
JasonRox said:
My friend is one also, so we discuss the many challenges. Be nice to meet others.
Here is a list. http://www.polyamory.org/SF/groups.html
(Though I don't know what you mean by S.Ontario-but-not-near-Toronto. I don't think there is such a place.)

Let me know if you'd like to be introduced to my friend. She'd be happy to figuratively show you around.
 
  • #79
DaveC426913 said:
Here is a list. http://www.polyamory.org/SF/groups.html
(Though I don't know what you mean by S.Ontario-but-not-near-Toronto. I don't think there is such a place.)

Let me know if you'd like to be introduced to my friend. She'd be happy to figuratively show you around.

I live in the Niagara Falls area, so I'm like an hour and a half drive from downtown Toronto.

That's far for me. :smile:

I'll send you a PM in a week or so to discuss more. Thanks too!
 
  • #80
JasonRox said:
I live in the Niagara Falls area, so I'm like an hour and a half drive from downtown Toronto.
My wife grew up there. We visit there regularly.
 
  • #81
DaveC426913 said:
My wife grew up there. We visit there regularly.

Very nice area. We have Port Dalhousie (old town with beautiful beach), Niagara Falls (heavy tourism), Niagara-on-the-Lake (beautiful old city), Niagara Gorge, and many other attractions. Top notch place in the summer.
 
  • #82
Why not just stay single and mess around? What's the point of saying you're in an open relationship? It seems rather unnecessary since you aren't really committed to that person.
 
  • #83
LightbulbSun said:
Why not just stay single and mess around? What's the point of saying you're in an open relationship? It seems rather unnecessary since you aren't really committed to that person.

Please read my posts.
 
  • #84
I've just got some data to add:

Some good friends of mine, we'll call them Mr. Open and Mrs. Open, had an open relationship for six years, lived together for one and got married, and got divorced a year later. Now both have been remarried to other for about three years - in closed, monogamous relationships as far as I know.

There were several issues that contributed to the divorce (which when taken together really would be sufficient to explain it) and the official word from both of them was that the open relationship wasn't really a factor. But... Mr. Open's current wife is someone he was seeing while he was still married to Mrs. Open. Mrs. Open's current husband was not involved previously except as a friend before their marriage. (I know this for certain)

So there's that. I don't think I could do it myself, I know I would too easily become jealous and covetous. But I must admit that at times I was quite envious of Mr. Open, not only for the sexual benefits but for having strong and romantic friendships with so many really nice women. (Except for one who, though a nice person, was a bit of a psycho hose beast, whom he tried to foist off on me, but I would have none of it.)
⚛​
 
  • #85
I once knew a couple involved in an open relationship. They became involved with another couple and had a very sexy fun 6months. Then reality overtook them. First it became clear that where a relationship involving 2 personalities is difficult a relationship involving 4 personalities is nearly impossible.

The next reality stick came in the form of STD. In this day n' age promiscuity is taking a dip in the AIDS pool. Be Careful.
 
  • #86
Integral said:
The next reality stick came in the form of STD. In this day n' age promiscuity is taking a dip in the AIDS pool. Be Careful.

Condoms are a wonderful thing. Polyamorous does not necessarily mean stupid.
 
  • #87
Moonbear said:
Okay, considering this topic, I just have to share that there's this goofy show on Discovery Channel right now about "purity pledges." It's one thing waiting until marriage to have sex...not that I'm fond of even that idea, but I can understand it...but some of these people think it's wrong to even KISS until married! :bugeye: What's wrong with these people? Since when is it bad to kiss someone?

Haha I had that up in the background while writing up my lab report. I thought it was interesting how all the girls they interviewed were attractive physically. Mentally...oh boy. Brainwashed beyond belief ***To make this perfectly clear, I am not talking about waiting until marriage to have sex***. The girls looked down upon anyone who wasn't "pure". They believed that they shouldn't date someone until they get their parent's consent, even at the age of 19 or 20. This girl said she dated some guy, but they agreed not to hold hands because it would distract them from looking into each others hearts or something along those lines. I think this was the girl who didnt have her first kiss until her marriage night. How awkward would that kiss be?

Anywho, back to...the thread.

I know people who are in open relationships and it seems like the perfect thing for them. I was in one for a little bit over a month ago but she ended up not being completely ok with it. It later turned out she was effing crazy.

JasonRox said:
You have to admit. It's nice to see different kissing styles... unless they are horrible!
So true. I don't understand how someone can be horrible at kissing at 18+...yet it happens.
 
  • #88
Schrodinger and his wife had a somewhat "open" relationship. When Schrodinger found the Schrodinger equation, he was on vacation in the Alps with a lover (not his wife). When he got home, he found that he couldn't solve the radial part of his equation for hydrogen, so he asked mathematician Hermann Weyl, his wife's lover, for help.

Personally, I couldn't be involved in such a relationship.
 
  • #89
Integral said:
I once knew a couple involved in an open relationship. They became involved with another couple and had a very sexy fun 6months. Then reality overtook them. First it became clear that where a relationship involving 2 personalities is difficult a relationship involving 4 personalities is nearly impossible.

The next reality stick came in the form of STD. In this day n' age promiscuity is taking a dip in the AIDS pool. Be Careful.

It's no different than being monogamous. You date one person, it fails, you date another, it failts, and so on.

Of course, you use condoms. And hence, another reason why you don't sleep with anyone and everyone.
 
  • #90
moose said:
It later turned out she was effing crazy.

Haha, she's crazy. Being exclusive still wouldn't solve the problem! :biggrin:
 
  • #91
NeoDevin said:
Condoms are a wonderful thing. Polyamorous does not necessarily mean stupid.

Quoting this since it has to be pointed out.
 
  • #92
JasonRox said:
Haha, she's crazy. Being exclusive still wouldn't solve the problem! :biggrin:

Seriously. She unfriended me on facebook because I "hurt her so bad". We were together for a week. Uhhhh.
 
  • #93
moose said:
Seriously. She unfriended me on facebook because I "hurt her so bad". We were together for a week. Uhhhh.

Wow, that's fast.

The facebook thing is hilarious. I just got it (had it deleted for a long time), and I'm not sure why people focus on it so much. People tag me in pictures, I take them out. People I don't know try to add me, I take it out. People want to write trivial pointless stuff on my wall, I take down the wall.

People want to learn all about you from a website. So, I took it down. It's very annoying.

Note: I got involved with a girl once, and at like 2-3am... you know. She decides to add my on facebook on my laptop. First thing that shows up, she broke up with her boyfriend after we've started seeing each other. So, it has that broken heart thing and everything. I was like... awkward moment.
 
  • #94
NeoDevin said:
Condoms are a wonderful thing. Polyamorous does not necessarily mean stupid.

Haha, it's almost like Integral is saying...

I believe in a unique love and I love you very much... there is a high risk of STD's you know.

:smile:

Note: Like I mentionned earlier, STD's is a risk for anyone and everyone.
 
  • #95
JasonRox said:
Wow, that's fast.

The facebook thing is hilarious. I just got it (had it deleted for a long time), and I'm not sure why people focus on it so much. People tag me in pictures, I take them out. People I don't know try to add me, I take it out. People want to write trivial pointless stuff on my wall, I take down the wall.

People want to learn all about you from a website. So, I took it down. It's very annoying.

Note: I got involved with a girl once, and at like 2-3am... you know. She decides to add my on facebook on my laptop. First thing that shows up, she broke up with her boyfriend after we've started seeing each other. So, it has that broken heart thing and everything. I was like... awkward moment.

Haha. If you don't have a relationship status on there, and then one day decide to make some changes to your profile and make your relationship status "single", the broken heart thing shows up and says "John Johnstein has changed his relationship status to single"... Now everyone thinks that John Johnstein just went through a breakup.

A clue that she was psychotic was when she kept saying things such as "whats it like being perfect?" or "why are you the perfect guy?"...

I think I'd like for my next relationship to be open, unless I have *really* strong feelings for the girl. I kinda view it as keeping my options open and not missing out on any opportunities.
 
  • #96
moose said:
...not missing out on any opportunities.

I find that to be kind of a negative view on the outlook of life to begin with. You shouldn't be an open relationship for fear of not meeting Ms. Right.

Melissa is totally aware that she can lose her "primary" status if I found a better girl. I communicated that to her because I don't want her finding comfort and security on the "primary" status position. I think you need to communicate to even a girl you choose to be open with... that if you find what you believe is Ms. Right, you will let her go. She needs to know this. Notice how much more communication is needed for open relationships? Much healthier in my opinion. Also, notice how much communication is left out of monogamy? You said you would like to be open because you want to see your options and not miss out on opportunities, and Ms. Right. Did you ever communicate this feeling to a girl you've been exclusive with? Telling her that being exclusive might make you feel like missing out.
 
  • #97
JasonRox said:
The facebook thing is hilarious. People tag me in pictures, I take them out.
You can do that?
 
  • #98
George Jones said:
Schrodinger and his wife had a somewhat "open" relationship. When Schrodinger found the Schrodinger equation, he was on vacation in the Alps with a lover (not his wife). When he got home, he found that he couldn't solve the radial part of his equation for hydrogen, so he asked mathematician Hermann Weyl, his wife's lover, for help.

Personally, I couldn't be involved in such a relationship.

Me neither, I would be too embarrassed to. I would just rewrite it with orthogonal coordinates. :smile:
⚛​
 
  • #99
DaveC426913 said:
You can do that?

Yeah, you can individually take them out. In the pictures people tag you, it will have a "remove my tag" somewhere. You have to them for all pictures you don't like. Or you can do what I did, and in the security options, you can choose to not allow anyone to tag you.
 
  • #100
JasonRox said:
Oh no, you communicate with all of them for sure.

Basically, I have no boundaries to how far I explore my relationship with someone else. If it starts interfering with another relationship, it can cause a break up in the problematic relationship. For example, I hang out with Melissa (fake name) two-three times a week. If I start a relationship with someone else, and I'm only hanging out with Melissa once a week now, it can cause conflict as it is obviously interfering with the relationship. The relationship can drop to "secondary" status, or we can just break it off, as a new primary relationship is emerging. Quite similar to being monogamous, and you start liking someone else, you break off the current relationship.

Also, I have rules to never deliberately interfere with another's relationship. Melissa for example can not whine to hang out with me Friday night if I have a date planned with someone else. By doing so, she's deliberately attempting to end the date, or if she a calls repeteatedly during a date. Or anything of the like. You either do not interfere or improve the relationships I have with others. Same rules apply for any new partner.

There are many other rules too. Of course, it seems complicated, but it's rather natural for me now.

seems like you took that straight out of a players' handbook...
 

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