What is the reality of finding a perfect partner?

[turbo]

I tried that, but all the single men just dropped off their laundry for the "pay by the pound" service and picked it up all washed, dried and folded. The problem is compounded by all the apartments that now feature washers and dryers, so those inclined to do their own laundry have long outgrown lugging laundry to laundromats.

Well, do you live in a town small enough to have church suppers or PTA suppers? Usually (in Maine at least) the food is really good home-cooked grub, and the cost is nominal. If you are polite, pleasant, and attentive to others, the ladies will be pumping you for information and figuring out how to fix you up with their son/nephew/grandson. This is how things happen in small towns. People in urban areas actually pay for matchmaker/dating services that these nice ladies will perform for free.

 

[Schrodinger's Dog]

Well no great expert on relationships, but the key thing here is understanding: forget the past if you can(often impossible) No person can be compared to previous relationships and it's unfair if you carry that baggage with you,understandable but try to have an open mind; People take work, women for men take more work and vice a versa; take every new relationship like it's the first(bear in mind the previous ones obviously, but don't let them colour your judgement) If you take relationships like it's a win or lose situation you're missing the point: compromise is the word you're looking for (no man or woman is going to be perfect: but if they're not quite the knight in shining armour you expected then they're only human) It's not whether you win or lose it's how you play the game. Take this to heart in sport, life and love and you won't go far wrong.

 

[Moonbear]

Well, do you live in a town small enough to have church suppers or PTA suppers? Usually (in Maine at least) the food is really good home-cooked grub, and the cost is nominal. If you are polite, pleasant, and attentive to others, the ladies will be pumping you for information and figuring out how to fix you up with their son/nephew/grandson. This is how things happen in small towns. People in urban areas actually pay for matchmaker/dating services that these nice ladies will perform for free.

Well, that limits things. You wouldn't catch me dead at a church supper. I don't want someone that religious. And if he relies on his grandma or mom to fix him up, he's too much of a mamma's boy for my taste. I've never heard of a PTA supper...wouldn't that be for parents?

 

[quantumcarl]

Of course I don't think the same thing is wrong with all of them. That's just my way of saying that I'm sad and frustrated because I'd like to not be alone for the rest of my life, but I don't know what to do about it.
(Men and women,) What would you expect your spouse-type partner person to give up in order to have a happy relationship with you?

What to do what to do. It might be a case of say... projection. Let's say you are river rafting and the water isn't doing what you'd like it to do. Do you say, what's wrong with water? Or, do you get out of the water?

Now, this type of situation should only be seen as a metaphor for a situation with one other person... not the whole gamut and gender of men.

Something someone told me was... "if you like her mother she will turn out just fine"... this would refer to the long range forecast of a relationship. Short term, you don't have to put up with very much unless the guy snorts when he laughs... et c...

If you like his father, this will be an indication of what 's like after a few years with you and whomever else may be in your relationship. The father/mother is the source of inspiration with regard to role modeling and bonding etc...

Using the parents of a prospective mate may be a nice short-cut to knowing if you'll be saying "What's wrong with these weird hairy organisms i feel strangely attracted to" after a few years of a relationship.

 

[Moonbear]

I think your problem is where you live. You should come to CA.

Hmm...that seems like a long commute. Somehow I don't think just waving my arms is going to work there. I better get some signal flares.

 

[saltydog]

Of course I don't think the same thing is wrong with all of them. That's just my way of saying that I'm sad and frustrated because I'd like to not be alone for the rest of my life, but I don't know what to do about it.
(Men and women,) What would you expect your spouse-type partner person to give up in order to have a happy relationship with you?

You'll find someone. Just do what most women do: date a bunch of them and rely on probability. Bound to be a good one in the bunch if you date enough of them. They say the two most important things in a successful relationship are friendship and communication. But really it's just one: wisdom. Surely the latter includes the former does it not? There's a slight problem to that I know and I suspect it's so for some grand Darwinian reason I'm not privy to. Anyway the successful couple is the wise couple and both being so allows either to relinquish little of the cherished things that are important to each.

 

[turbo]

Well, that limits things. You wouldn't catch me dead at a church supper. I don't want someone that religious. And if he relies on his grandma or mom to fix him up, he's too much of a mamma's boy for my taste. I've never heard of a PTA supper...wouldn't that be for parents?

Up here, it's pretty much acknowledged that you go to the church suppers and the PTA suppers for the best food. Nobody feels compelled to attend a church supper because of a religious preference, but if you know that mrr. XYZ is bringing in some wonderful beanhole-baked beans, you should go. If you are a decent person, you will get some feedback. Give it a shot.

 

[Cosmo16]

Wow, we want the same guy.

That would be because every girl wants the same 3 guys.

Actually- In all fairness- us guys aren't much better about that sort of thing.

 

[Moonbear]

Up here, it's pretty much acknowledged that you go to the church suppers and the PTA suppers for the best food. Nobody feels compelled to attend a church supper because of a religious preference, but if you know that mrr. XYZ is bringing in some wonderful beanhole-baked beans, you should go. If you are a decent person, you will get some feedback. Give it a shot.

No offense, but when people give me advice like that, it's when I start reminding myself that I'm content being single. I just don't really think the sort of guy I'd be interested in would attend such a thing any more than I would. I think I just need to find some girlfriends to go to the city with me, not that I ever found anyone there either.

In reality, I've never actually managed to meet guys by looking for them anyway. Usually the ones I dated were classmates or friends of friends. I met one guy at a club, but that lasted about three dates (mainly because I saw his place on the third date and the crucifix in the bedroom that he claims his mom put there was enough to send me running off...he was either far too religious for me or far too much of a mamma's boy to not say no when he mom was decorating his apartment with religious paraphenalia)...there were other odd things that left me puzzling over whether I was getting a full story from him...like the hairbrush on his bathroom counter even though he had hair far too short to require a brush.

 

[The_Professional]

I met one guy at a club, but that lasted about three dates (mainly because I saw his place on the third date and the crucifix in the bedroom that he claims his mom put there was enough to send me running off...he was either far too religious for me or far too much of a mamma's boy to not say no when he mom was decorating his apartment with religious paraphenalia)

maybe it was a gift from his mom. or he came from a religious background.
why would this be an issue?

 

[Evo]

maybe it was a gift from his mom. or he came from a religious background.
why would this be an issue?

I know what Moonbear is referring to. Not being religious, I would not be able to date someone that held religious beliefs. There are just basic belief issues that would prevent a relationship other than just friendship. Although it's possible to find someone non-religious at such a function, it would be like going to a vegan restaurant hoping to get a steak.

 

[Moonbear]

maybe it was a gift from his mom. or he came from a religious background.
why would this be an issue?

Because I'm not religious. I wouldn't want to be with someone so religious that he'd hang a crucifix in the bedroom. And if he isn't religious, then it would mean he didn't have the backbone to tell his mom he didn't want it. If my mom sent me a crucifix as a gift, it would head straight to the trash, and I sure as heck wouldn't hang the thing in the bedroom. I'm actually pretty sure it was the latter, that he was too much of a momma's boy. There's a difference between having a good relationship with your parents and not being able to say no to them when you're an adult and living on your own (we're not talking a college apartment that his parents helped pay for and decorated because he couldn't afford furniture yet, or a bedroom in his parents' house, we're talking about a guy who had a well-paying job and was living on his own already).

 

[Pengwuino]

Having a crucifix in your room sends you over the edge?

Was it like 5 feet tall?

 

[Moonbear]

I know what Moonbear is referring to. Not being religious, I would not be able to date someone that held religious beliefs. There are just basic belief issues that would prevent a relationship other than just friendship. Although it's possible to find someone non-religious at such a function, it would be like going to a vegan restaurant hoping to get a steak.

I wouldn't go so far as to say I couldn't date someone that held religious beliefs, just not the sort who held those beliefs so deeply and unquestioningly as to hang crucifixes in the home or to need to go to church every Sunday. If he was the sort who went to mass only on Christmas and Easter and I had to sit through saying grace when visiting his parents for meals, I could accept that; though, in all likelihood, the problem would be the other way around...for someone who really has religious beliefs rather than just going through the motions more because it's just part of their family traditions, once they realized my lack of religiosity, they'd probably not want to be with me.

 

[The_Professional]

Because I'm not religious. I wouldn't want to be with someone so religious that he'd hang a crucifix in the bedroom.

okay.

If my mom sent me a crucifix as a gift, it would head straight to the trash, and I sure as heck wouldn't hang the thing in the bedroom.

so if someone gives you a gift you don't like you immediately throw it in the trash? or does this only apply to religious objects

 

[Moonbear]

Having a crucifix in your room sends you over the edge?
Was it like 5 feet tall?

It was pretty big. We're not talking about something 3 inches tall sitting in a corner of a dresser, we're talking about something at least a foot or so high hanging prominently in the middle of the wall. And not just a cross, it was a full-blown crucifix.

 

[Pengwuino]

What if someone has an American flag in their room? Ultra-nationalist militant? A plant? Environmental fanatic? I look around the room I'm in right now and using that same logic, I am one of the wackiest human beings on earth. I mean let's see... there's some cars, guess I'm a gambling addict (although that might not be too far fetched for me), jewelry maker, couch potato, NRA spokesman, i have allergies, chemist, electrical engineer, fashion model...

 

[Pengwuino]

It was pretty big. We're not talking about something 3 inches tall sitting in a corner of a dresser, we're talking about something at least a foot or so high hanging prominently in the middle of the wall. And not just a cross, it was a full-blown crucifix.

A foot is pretty big... but i still think its absurd to just assume he would force different values (if he shared different values in the first place) on you. My parents are a mix of very religious/barely religious and they don't have any problems (or more accurately, they bicker about OTHER things )

 

[Orefa]

so if someone gives you a gift you don't like you immediately throw it in the trash? or does this only apply to religious objects

Religious symbols can irritate anyone for whom they symbolize superstitious beliefs. I wouldn't give a swastika to a jew or a crucifix to an atheist or agnostic.

Having said that, wow! Six pages of comments overnight on the topic of what's wrong with MEN! And here I go adding one more. Is this indicative of anything?

 

[The_Professional]

Religious symbols can irritate anyone for whom they symbolize superstitious beliefs. I wouldn't give a swastika to a jew or a crucifix to an atheist or agnostic.

obviously, if you know someone is an atheist you won't give them the satanic bible.

 

[Moonbear]

okay.
so if someone gives you a gift you don't like you immediately throw it in the trash? or does this only apply to religious objects

If someone gave me a religious object as a gift, I would realize they clearly have no respect for my beliefs (or lack thereof), so there really would be no reason to keep around something they sent me. Really, giving someone who is not religious a crucifix is pretty offensive. It's nearly as bad as my one friend's wife, who has been known to send those very religious Christmas cards (the ones that quote verses from the New Testament) to our Jewish friend.

But, generally, I don't keep a bunch of junk and clutter around my house. If someone sends me a gift I don't like, I'll politely say thank-you, and when they leave, it'll land in the trash, or if it's something that could be useful to someone else, I'll give it away to someone who needs it. I'm not huge into gift-giving anyway. My sister especially gives stupid gifts, and many of them have worked their way into the trash. I tried telling her to just not get gifts, to just let me spoil my nephew and for the grown-ups not to bother with gift-trading, but she gets gifts anyway, so now I just give her a list of things I actually need so she doesn't keep getting me junk I don't need. My parents have learned to just send gift certificates, though, I've tried talking them into not bother to get gifts either (mostly because they are retired and living on fixed incomes, so really don't need to be wasting their money on me). At least my parents have figured out that I have my own tastes and when I need something, I buy it for myself, so there's no point in them trying to buy things for me, because we just don't like the same things at all. My sister still hasn't gotten that sunken in yet, despite us having pretty opposite tastes all our lives.

 

[Pengwuino]

Jewish people don't dislike Swastika's because they symbolize any "superstitious believe"... Theres a much bigger reason...

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

Jewish people don't dislike Swastika's because they symbolize any "superstitious believe"... Theres a much bigger reason...

Jewish people don't like swastikas? What?







My current car used to belong to my grandparents and has a religious license plate frame on it ("Life is fragile. Handle with prayer"). I'm a bit embarassed by it but every time I think to remove it I feel guilty because my grandmother still thinks of that car as her baby.

 

[The_Professional]

If someone gave me a religious object as a gift, I would realize they clearly have no respect for my beliefs (or lack thereof), so there really would be no reason to keep around something they sent me. Really, giving someone who is not religious a crucifix is pretty offensive. It's nearly as bad as my one friend's wife, who has been known to send those very religious Christmas cards (the ones that quote verses from the New Testament) to our Jewish friend.
But, generally, I don't keep a bunch of junk and clutter around my house. If someone sends me a gift I don't like, I'll politely say thank-you, and when they leave, it'll land in the trash, or if it's something that could be useful to someone else, I'll give it away to someone who needs it. I'm not huge into gift-giving anyway. My sister especially gives stupid gifts, and many of them have worked their way into the trash. I tried telling her to just not get gifts, to just let me spoil my nephew and for the grown-ups not to bother with gift-trading, but she gets gifts anyway, so now I just give her a list of things I actually need so she doesn't keep getting me junk I don't need. My parents have learned to just send gift certificates, though, I've tried talking them into not bother to get gifts either (mostly because they are retired and living on fixed incomes, so really don't need to be wasting their money on me). At least my parents have figured out that I have my own tastes and when I need something, I buy it for myself, so there's no point in them trying to buy things for me, because we just don't like the same things at all. My sister still hasn't gotten that sunken in yet, despite us having pretty opposite tastes all our lives.

okay, i see your point. i disagree in a few areas

 

[Moonbear]

What if someone has an American flag in their room? Ultra-nationalist militant? A plant? Environmental fanatic? I look around the room I'm in right now and using that same logic, I am one of the wackiest human beings on earth. I mean let's see... there's some cars, guess I'm a gambling addict (although that might not be too far fetched for me), jewelry maker, couch potato, NRA spokesman, i have allergies, chemist, electrical engineer, fashion model...

It's all about finding people who have things in common with you. I wouldn't display a flag on the wall inside my home either...I'm ambivalent about displaying one outside, but if someone does want to display it outside, they better be prepared to install the lights to keep it lit or bring it inside at night. So, yeah, if they had a big flag hanging on the wall inside, I'd probably think twice too. I like plants, so if they had a lot of plants, that would fit right in with what I like...in fact, if the plants were healthy, it might be a bonus (I love plants, but they don't live long around me...I tend to forget to do things like water them ). I'm just realistic in knowing what I am and am not comfortable with. There's no point in wasting time pursuing a relationship with someone who has very fundamental differences in beliefs if I know I can't live with those differences. That's what most of this thread has been saying, that it's futile to try to "fix" those things, or to make them change things. If a guy is religious enough to hang a crucifix on his wall, or is totally comfortable with having his mom put it there, then we have some very fundamental differences that would not make us compatible. I'm not going to ask him to abandon his religion or his mom for me, that just doesn't work. I move on and keep looking for someone more compatible. It's really not any different than recognizing I wouldn't be compatible with a vegan, or someone who was an animal rights activist, or a smoker, just like someone else might not be compatible with someone who enjoyed hunting or fishing, or once in a blue moon going to a strip club, although those things wouldn't bother me in the least (especially if he was willing to take me along). To me, there are certain fundamental values that are all-or-none in finding a good match, while there are a lot of other little things that can be worked out as you get to know them.

Besides, this thread is supposed to be about what's wrong with men, not what's wrong with Moonbear's taste in men. Isn't it enough we already have two "is Moonbear over-sensitive?" threads (as Russ called it)?

 

[Hurkyl]

Going back to the OP!

Are you letting it be known that you're looking? (how would one go about doing that anyways -- I mean to let it be known you're looking, as opposed to being interested in anyone in particular -- I mean for people who don't go to bars)

I must admit that after this thread, you suddenly seem cute. I had simply never thought anything about it before. I imagine "real-life" effects would be similar.

 

[motai]

I think the problem is that people are going into relationships with unconscious expectations.

For instance, the classical question "Is this guy/girl the right one for me?". Its an entirely self-centered question. Personally, I would be asking "Am I the right guy/girl for him/her".

That and the couple should be able to talk about anything and everything at a certain level, i.e. nothing should be kept a secret. Relationships crumble under dishonesty, or even worse, infidelity, but that's another story.

About the religion thing, personally I think it is important to have the same religious beliefs shared by the couple. A pairing between an athiest and a truly devout Christian will not work at all.

 

[Pengwuino]

For instance, the classical question "Is this guy/girl the right one for me?". Its an entirely self-centered question. Personally, I would be asking "Am I the right guy/girl for her".

So what happens when you find a girl who thinks your the greatest person ever but you hate everything about her?

 

[motai]

So what happens when you find a girl who thinks your the greatest person ever but you hate everything about her?

That seems like a rare case, sounds like something more suited for celebrity/fan relationships . I forgot that celebrity story recently, something about a fan claiming that a celebrity stalked her or something and filing restraining orders and such, really weird stuff. Anyway, besides the point.

 

[The_Professional]

I think the problem is that people are going into relationships with unconscious expectations.
For instance, the classical question "Is this guy/girl the right one for me?". Its an entirely self-centered question. Personally, I would be asking "Am I the right guy/girl for him/her".

you're supposed to ask yourself if she's the right one. you don't want to end up with a nutjob

That and the couple should be able to talk about anything and everything at a certain level, i.e. nothing should be kept a secret.

this is all oprah brainwashing. there are some things that are better left off. there is a time and place to tell a girl that you were a hitman for the mafia. if it's not going to raise her interest keep quiet about it.