What is the reality of finding a perfect partner?

[quantumdude]

Of course I don't think the same thing is wrong with all of them. That's just my way of saying that I'm sad and frustrated because I'd like to not be alone for the rest of my life, but I don't know what to do about it.

Didn't you say not too long ago that you're putting all that romantic nonsense on hold until you're done with school? Is it possible that guys are picking up that vibe from you?

(Men and women,) What would you expect your spouse-type partner person to give up in order to have a happy relationship with you?

Nothing, other than sleeping with other people.

Seriously if you're thinking, "Gee, I really like that person. I'd be interested in dating him if I could change the following things about him..." then he's probably not for you.

 

[honestrosewater]

Didn't you say not too long ago that you're putting all that romantic nonsense on hold until you're done with school?

Yes, and didn't you advise against that? Well, I changed my mind. I mean, I would consider changing my mind. Bah, I give up. I don't know what I mean. Something. This stuff turns my brain to pudding. No, make that porridge. Yeah, porridge.
Maybe you (and, I think, just about everyone else) were right. Congrats.

Seriously if you're thinking, "Gee, I really like that person. I'd be interested in dating him if I could change the following things about him..." then he's probably not for you.

Yeah, I'm not interested in changing anyone like that. I'm concerned about what kind of commitments someone else might assume I am making or expect me to make. I'm just trying to think ahead and be prepared so that I can make responsible decisions and avoid, as much as possible, hurting anyone (including myself).

Oh, by the way, I think what you said about your girlfriend in your bio thing was really sweet. Ugh, so many sweet people doing sweet things. It makes me sick, I tell you.

 

[Astronuc]

Is it not common to make compromises in most human relationships?

It happens even in the best relationships, in families, in friendships, etc.

It seems like there are lots of rules, especially the unwritten kind, surrounding dating.

Well one can start with a platonic relationship. My wife and I met through mutual friends. I just started talking to her, and did not ask her on a date until about 9 months after I met her. We dated 3 months, when I proposed, and we more or less lived together for one year while engaged.

If there is an aspect of commitment in the relationship, do you not give up anything in making a commitment? What exactly?

I suppose one gives up total autonomy, in exchange for a committed, and hopefully reciprocal, relationship.

Does the "you're free to do whatever you want to; I don't expect anything from you" approach actually work in a long-term, presumably rather rare, intimate relationship with someone you care about?

Not from what I have seen. Both partners have expectations. That is where communication comes in. I know what my wife expects and she knows what I expect - as long as we communicate.

Does no one expect their partner to live in the same house with them?

I know of several relationships where this is the case.

To stay home and raise their children?

This must be by mutual agreement. My wife stayed home for a few years, and when the kids were old enough, she went to work part time, and gradually increased hours as the kids matured and were more independent. If I could have, I would have liked to stay home and work part-time.

To spend x amount of time with them?

I am usually home most evenings, when not traveling. I would prefer to be with the woman I love, by choice, not on demand.

To remain attractive?

I am growing old together with my wife, who is 6.5 years older than me. I think she is attractive no matter what.

To stop looking for another partner?

Of course. Although since I have been married, I have found two other extraordinary women, either of whom I would have married had I know of their existence 25+ years ago, or if I was not now married, I would marry either one if they were interested (and actually one was interested). But I am not looking to change partners.

Maybe it would help to ask it this way: If you were in a serious relationship with someone, what could they do that would be a rather major, shocking disappointment?

If she tried to kill me, e.g. run me over with the car or strangle me in bed, I might have a problem with that. Seriously, if my wife was violent or abusive, I'd leave with the kids. If my wife engaged in criminal, hurtful or otherwise destructive behavior, I would seek help, and then perhaps leave if she could not stop such behavior.

Actually, my wife did hit (punch) me in the mouth one time (about the time we got married), more or less by accident. She got frustrated when she could not stick a banana label on my nose, after I did it to her. She struck out in frustration (not really deliberately or out of meanness). She cried, I laughed - because she told me if I ever hit her, she would leave - and her she was the one who hit me. She has a really good right cross, and I had fat lip and bloody nose. I took her in my arms, and kissed her and told her that it was not a big deal to me - and that I loved her.

She only hit me once after that out of anger, and I pushed her away at that point. I have never hit my wife.

For example, if your partner told you one day that they didn't want to have sex with you anymore, you wouldn't bat an eye?

I would want to discuss it, and then take it from there. That would not necessarily end the marriage, but it might cause some tension.

 

[The_Professional]

Of course I don't think the same thing is wrong with all of them. That's just my way of saying that I'm sad and frustrated because I'd like to not be alone for the rest of my life, but I don't know what to do about it.

you know, guys are thinking along the same lines..

 

[honestrosewater]

I suppose one gives up total autonomy, in exchange for a committed, and hopefully reciprocal, relationship.

Hm, I worry that, because I'm very serious about trying to be a good person and living a life that I can be proud to take responsibility for, I might come off as being cold or detached sometimes. That responsibility is why I value my autonomy so much and perhaps have even been overprotective of it. But I'm rethinking this and am starting to see how it might actually be quite beautiful to share that with someone else.

I think you're a great person, Astronuc. Thanks.

 

[russ_watters]

Lotta stuff in here, but one quickie: if any of you are worried about offending the guy you are going after, you're going after the wrong one (and I rather suspect the reverse is true too). Many guys are looking for a woman who is completely self-sufficient prior to the relationship.

 

[turbo]

There are honest decent folks out there that want to live quiet responsible lives. You probably won'f find them on the dating scene, though. Try doing your laundry at a coin-op place in a working-class part of town. Instead of burying yourself in a book, when you see people struggling with big bags of laundry, smile and open the door for them. If they smile back and/or keep stealing glances while loading the machines, make small talk. If there is a dryer that seems to dry clothes faster than the others, point it out to them, and if someone had just done a big load of muddy or greasy clothes in a washer, warn 'em about that. Just be yourself. Single men and women alike are often quite pleased when they have to do a time-consuming chore and end up meeting someone nice to chat with to make the time go faster. If they come back next week at the same time and act pleased to see you, the ice is already broken. Just be yourself. If you are self-conscious or quiet or blush easily, don't fight it - lots of members of the opposite sex are looking for a companion that is not loud and full of themselves.

My wife and I celebrate 31 years of marriage next month. We started with nothing (the mill we worked at was shut down), chased any jobs we could get, kept our expenses less than our earnings so we could save for our own place, and worked hard for everything we have. Lots of rice, beans, wild greens and chicken livers in those first few years, but I wouldn't trade away a minute of our time together. I wish you that kind of luck.

 

[Astronuc]

Hm, I worry that, because I'm very serious about trying to be a good person and living a life that I can be proud to take responsibility for, I might come off as being cold or detached sometimes. That responsibility is why I value my autonomy so much and perhaps have even been overprotective of it. But I'm rethinking this and am starting to see how it might actually be quite beautiful to share that with someone else.

One does not have to give up who one is in a relationship. I certainly did not want my wife to be other than the person she was when I met her. We support each other, and in some ways, we are better people for being husband and wife. We've had some incredible experiences together, the most profound of which was the birth of our two children.

I think you're a great person, Astronuc. Thanks.

If I was 30 years younger, hrw, I'd be courting you. I think you're a fine woman.

Actually, I am just me, and like everyone else (or most), I am just trying to do my best everyday. I am just satisfied to be a good husband, father, son, brother, friend, person. Since my wife hasn't kicked me out of the house, I presume I doing a reasonably adequate job.

 

[Moonbear]

There are honest decent folks out there that want to live quiet responsible lives. You probably won'f find them on the dating scene, though. Try doing your laundry at a coin-op place in a working-class part of town. Instead of burying yourself in a book, when you see people struggling with big bags of laundry, smile and open the door for them. If they smile back and/or keep stealing glances while loading the machines, make small talk.

I tried that, but all the single men just dropped off their laundry for the "pay by the pound" service and picked it up all washed, dried and folded. The problem is compounded by all the apartments that now feature washers and dryers, so those inclined to do their own laundry have long outgrown lugging laundry to laundromats.

Lotta stuff in here, but one quickie: if any of you are worried about offending the guy you are going after, you're going after the wrong one (and I rather suspect the reverse is true too). Many guys are looking for a woman who is completely self-sufficient prior to the relationship.

*waves hands in universal distress signal* I'm here![/size]

Now would someone tell me where those guys are?[/size]

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

Now would someone tell me where those guys are?[/size]

I think your problem is where you live. You should come to CA.

 

[turbo]

I tried that, but all the single men just dropped off their laundry for the "pay by the pound" service and picked it up all washed, dried and folded. The problem is compounded by all the apartments that now feature washers and dryers, so those inclined to do their own laundry have long outgrown lugging laundry to laundromats.

Well, do you live in a town small enough to have church suppers or PTA suppers? Usually (in Maine at least) the food is really good home-cooked grub, and the cost is nominal. If you are polite, pleasant, and attentive to others, the ladies will be pumping you for information and figuring out how to fix you up with their son/nephew/grandson. This is how things happen in small towns. People in urban areas actually pay for matchmaker/dating services that these nice ladies will perform for free.

 

[Schrodinger's Dog]

Well no great expert on relationships, but the key thing here is understanding: forget the past if you can(often impossible) No person can be compared to previous relationships and it's unfair if you carry that baggage with you,understandable but try to have an open mind; People take work, women for men take more work and vice a versa; take every new relationship like it's the first(bear in mind the previous ones obviously, but don't let them colour your judgement) If you take relationships like it's a win or lose situation you're missing the point: compromise is the word you're looking for (no man or woman is going to be perfect: but if they're not quite the knight in shining armour you expected then they're only human) It's not whether you win or lose it's how you play the game. Take this to heart in sport, life and love and you won't go far wrong.

 

[Moonbear]

Well, do you live in a town small enough to have church suppers or PTA suppers? Usually (in Maine at least) the food is really good home-cooked grub, and the cost is nominal. If you are polite, pleasant, and attentive to others, the ladies will be pumping you for information and figuring out how to fix you up with their son/nephew/grandson. This is how things happen in small towns. People in urban areas actually pay for matchmaker/dating services that these nice ladies will perform for free.

Well, that limits things. You wouldn't catch me dead at a church supper. I don't want someone that religious. And if he relies on his grandma or mom to fix him up, he's too much of a mamma's boy for my taste. I've never heard of a PTA supper...wouldn't that be for parents?

 

[quantumcarl]

Of course I don't think the same thing is wrong with all of them. That's just my way of saying that I'm sad and frustrated because I'd like to not be alone for the rest of my life, but I don't know what to do about it.
(Men and women,) What would you expect your spouse-type partner person to give up in order to have a happy relationship with you?

What to do what to do. It might be a case of say... projection. Let's say you are river rafting and the water isn't doing what you'd like it to do. Do you say, what's wrong with water? Or, do you get out of the water?

Now, this type of situation should only be seen as a metaphor for a situation with one other person... not the whole gamut and gender of men.

Something someone told me was... "if you like her mother she will turn out just fine"... this would refer to the long range forecast of a relationship. Short term, you don't have to put up with very much unless the guy snorts when he laughs... et c...

If you like his father, this will be an indication of what 's like after a few years with you and whomever else may be in your relationship. The father/mother is the source of inspiration with regard to role modeling and bonding etc...

Using the parents of a prospective mate may be a nice short-cut to knowing if you'll be saying "What's wrong with these weird hairy organisms i feel strangely attracted to" after a few years of a relationship.

 

[Moonbear]

I think your problem is where you live. You should come to CA.

Hmm...that seems like a long commute. Somehow I don't think just waving my arms is going to work there. I better get some signal flares.

 

[saltydog]

Of course I don't think the same thing is wrong with all of them. That's just my way of saying that I'm sad and frustrated because I'd like to not be alone for the rest of my life, but I don't know what to do about it.
(Men and women,) What would you expect your spouse-type partner person to give up in order to have a happy relationship with you?

You'll find someone. Just do what most women do: date a bunch of them and rely on probability. Bound to be a good one in the bunch if you date enough of them. They say the two most important things in a successful relationship are friendship and communication. But really it's just one: wisdom. Surely the latter includes the former does it not? There's a slight problem to that I know and I suspect it's so for some grand Darwinian reason I'm not privy to. Anyway the successful couple is the wise couple and both being so allows either to relinquish little of the cherished things that are important to each.

 

[turbo]

Well, that limits things. You wouldn't catch me dead at a church supper. I don't want someone that religious. And if he relies on his grandma or mom to fix him up, he's too much of a mamma's boy for my taste. I've never heard of a PTA supper...wouldn't that be for parents?

Up here, it's pretty much acknowledged that you go to the church suppers and the PTA suppers for the best food. Nobody feels compelled to attend a church supper because of a religious preference, but if you know that mrr. XYZ is bringing in some wonderful beanhole-baked beans, you should go. If you are a decent person, you will get some feedback. Give it a shot.

 

[Cosmo16]

Wow, we want the same guy.

That would be because every girl wants the same 3 guys.

Actually- In all fairness- us guys aren't much better about that sort of thing.

 

[Moonbear]

Up here, it's pretty much acknowledged that you go to the church suppers and the PTA suppers for the best food. Nobody feels compelled to attend a church supper because of a religious preference, but if you know that mrr. XYZ is bringing in some wonderful beanhole-baked beans, you should go. If you are a decent person, you will get some feedback. Give it a shot.

No offense, but when people give me advice like that, it's when I start reminding myself that I'm content being single. I just don't really think the sort of guy I'd be interested in would attend such a thing any more than I would. I think I just need to find some girlfriends to go to the city with me, not that I ever found anyone there either.

In reality, I've never actually managed to meet guys by looking for them anyway. Usually the ones I dated were classmates or friends of friends. I met one guy at a club, but that lasted about three dates (mainly because I saw his place on the third date and the crucifix in the bedroom that he claims his mom put there was enough to send me running off...he was either far too religious for me or far too much of a mamma's boy to not say no when he mom was decorating his apartment with religious paraphenalia)...there were other odd things that left me puzzling over whether I was getting a full story from him...like the hairbrush on his bathroom counter even though he had hair far too short to require a brush.

 

[The_Professional]

I met one guy at a club, but that lasted about three dates (mainly because I saw his place on the third date and the crucifix in the bedroom that he claims his mom put there was enough to send me running off...he was either far too religious for me or far too much of a mamma's boy to not say no when he mom was decorating his apartment with religious paraphenalia)

maybe it was a gift from his mom. or he came from a religious background.
why would this be an issue?

 

[Evo]

maybe it was a gift from his mom. or he came from a religious background.
why would this be an issue?

I know what Moonbear is referring to. Not being religious, I would not be able to date someone that held religious beliefs. There are just basic belief issues that would prevent a relationship other than just friendship. Although it's possible to find someone non-religious at such a function, it would be like going to a vegan restaurant hoping to get a steak.

 

[Moonbear]

maybe it was a gift from his mom. or he came from a religious background.
why would this be an issue?

Because I'm not religious. I wouldn't want to be with someone so religious that he'd hang a crucifix in the bedroom. And if he isn't religious, then it would mean he didn't have the backbone to tell his mom he didn't want it. If my mom sent me a crucifix as a gift, it would head straight to the trash, and I sure as heck wouldn't hang the thing in the bedroom. I'm actually pretty sure it was the latter, that he was too much of a momma's boy. There's a difference between having a good relationship with your parents and not being able to say no to them when you're an adult and living on your own (we're not talking a college apartment that his parents helped pay for and decorated because he couldn't afford furniture yet, or a bedroom in his parents' house, we're talking about a guy who had a well-paying job and was living on his own already).

 

[Pengwuino]

Having a crucifix in your room sends you over the edge?

Was it like 5 feet tall?

 

[Moonbear]

I know what Moonbear is referring to. Not being religious, I would not be able to date someone that held religious beliefs. There are just basic belief issues that would prevent a relationship other than just friendship. Although it's possible to find someone non-religious at such a function, it would be like going to a vegan restaurant hoping to get a steak.

I wouldn't go so far as to say I couldn't date someone that held religious beliefs, just not the sort who held those beliefs so deeply and unquestioningly as to hang crucifixes in the home or to need to go to church every Sunday. If he was the sort who went to mass only on Christmas and Easter and I had to sit through saying grace when visiting his parents for meals, I could accept that; though, in all likelihood, the problem would be the other way around...for someone who really has religious beliefs rather than just going through the motions more because it's just part of their family traditions, once they realized my lack of religiosity, they'd probably not want to be with me.

 

[The_Professional]

Because I'm not religious. I wouldn't want to be with someone so religious that he'd hang a crucifix in the bedroom.

okay.

If my mom sent me a crucifix as a gift, it would head straight to the trash, and I sure as heck wouldn't hang the thing in the bedroom.

so if someone gives you a gift you don't like you immediately throw it in the trash? or does this only apply to religious objects

 

[Moonbear]

Having a crucifix in your room sends you over the edge?
Was it like 5 feet tall?

It was pretty big. We're not talking about something 3 inches tall sitting in a corner of a dresser, we're talking about something at least a foot or so high hanging prominently in the middle of the wall. And not just a cross, it was a full-blown crucifix.

 

[Pengwuino]

What if someone has an American flag in their room? Ultra-nationalist militant? A plant? Environmental fanatic? I look around the room I'm in right now and using that same logic, I am one of the wackiest human beings on earth. I mean let's see... there's some cars, guess I'm a gambling addict (although that might not be too far fetched for me), jewelry maker, couch potato, NRA spokesman, i have allergies, chemist, electrical engineer, fashion model...

 

[Pengwuino]

It was pretty big. We're not talking about something 3 inches tall sitting in a corner of a dresser, we're talking about something at least a foot or so high hanging prominently in the middle of the wall. And not just a cross, it was a full-blown crucifix.

A foot is pretty big... but i still think its absurd to just assume he would force different values (if he shared different values in the first place) on you. My parents are a mix of very religious/barely religious and they don't have any problems (or more accurately, they bicker about OTHER things )

 

[Orefa]

so if someone gives you a gift you don't like you immediately throw it in the trash? or does this only apply to religious objects

Religious symbols can irritate anyone for whom they symbolize superstitious beliefs. I wouldn't give a swastika to a jew or a crucifix to an atheist or agnostic.

Having said that, wow! Six pages of comments overnight on the topic of what's wrong with MEN! And here I go adding one more. Is this indicative of anything?

 

[The_Professional]

Religious symbols can irritate anyone for whom they symbolize superstitious beliefs. I wouldn't give a swastika to a jew or a crucifix to an atheist or agnostic.

obviously, if you know someone is an atheist you won't give them the satanic bible.

 

[Moonbear]

okay.
so if someone gives you a gift you don't like you immediately throw it in the trash? or does this only apply to religious objects

If someone gave me a religious object as a gift, I would realize they clearly have no respect for my beliefs (or lack thereof), so there really would be no reason to keep around something they sent me. Really, giving someone who is not religious a crucifix is pretty offensive. It's nearly as bad as my one friend's wife, who has been known to send those very religious Christmas cards (the ones that quote verses from the New Testament) to our Jewish friend.

But, generally, I don't keep a bunch of junk and clutter around my house. If someone sends me a gift I don't like, I'll politely say thank-you, and when they leave, it'll land in the trash, or if it's something that could be useful to someone else, I'll give it away to someone who needs it. I'm not huge into gift-giving anyway. My sister especially gives stupid gifts, and many of them have worked their way into the trash. I tried telling her to just not get gifts, to just let me spoil my nephew and for the grown-ups not to bother with gift-trading, but she gets gifts anyway, so now I just give her a list of things I actually need so she doesn't keep getting me junk I don't need. My parents have learned to just send gift certificates, though, I've tried talking them into not bother to get gifts either (mostly because they are retired and living on fixed incomes, so really don't need to be wasting their money on me). At least my parents have figured out that I have my own tastes and when I need something, I buy it for myself, so there's no point in them trying to buy things for me, because we just don't like the same things at all. My sister still hasn't gotten that sunken in yet, despite us having pretty opposite tastes all our lives.

 

[Pengwuino]

Jewish people don't dislike Swastika's because they symbolize any "superstitious believe"... Theres a much bigger reason...

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

Jewish people don't dislike Swastika's because they symbolize any "superstitious believe"... Theres a much bigger reason...

Jewish people don't like swastikas? What?







My current car used to belong to my grandparents and has a religious license plate frame on it ("Life is fragile. Handle with prayer"). I'm a bit embarassed by it but every time I think to remove it I feel guilty because my grandmother still thinks of that car as her baby.

 

[The_Professional]

If someone gave me a religious object as a gift, I would realize they clearly have no respect for my beliefs (or lack thereof), so there really would be no reason to keep around something they sent me. Really, giving someone who is not religious a crucifix is pretty offensive. It's nearly as bad as my one friend's wife, who has been known to send those very religious Christmas cards (the ones that quote verses from the New Testament) to our Jewish friend.
But, generally, I don't keep a bunch of junk and clutter around my house. If someone sends me a gift I don't like, I'll politely say thank-you, and when they leave, it'll land in the trash, or if it's something that could be useful to someone else, I'll give it away to someone who needs it. I'm not huge into gift-giving anyway. My sister especially gives stupid gifts, and many of them have worked their way into the trash. I tried telling her to just not get gifts, to just let me spoil my nephew and for the grown-ups not to bother with gift-trading, but she gets gifts anyway, so now I just give her a list of things I actually need so she doesn't keep getting me junk I don't need. My parents have learned to just send gift certificates, though, I've tried talking them into not bother to get gifts either (mostly because they are retired and living on fixed incomes, so really don't need to be wasting their money on me). At least my parents have figured out that I have my own tastes and when I need something, I buy it for myself, so there's no point in them trying to buy things for me, because we just don't like the same things at all. My sister still hasn't gotten that sunken in yet, despite us having pretty opposite tastes all our lives.

okay, i see your point. i disagree in a few areas

 

[Moonbear]

What if someone has an American flag in their room? Ultra-nationalist militant? A plant? Environmental fanatic? I look around the room I'm in right now and using that same logic, I am one of the wackiest human beings on earth. I mean let's see... there's some cars, guess I'm a gambling addict (although that might not be too far fetched for me), jewelry maker, couch potato, NRA spokesman, i have allergies, chemist, electrical engineer, fashion model...

It's all about finding people who have things in common with you. I wouldn't display a flag on the wall inside my home either...I'm ambivalent about displaying one outside, but if someone does want to display it outside, they better be prepared to install the lights to keep it lit or bring it inside at night. So, yeah, if they had a big flag hanging on the wall inside, I'd probably think twice too. I like plants, so if they had a lot of plants, that would fit right in with what I like...in fact, if the plants were healthy, it might be a bonus (I love plants, but they don't live long around me...I tend to forget to do things like water them ). I'm just realistic in knowing what I am and am not comfortable with. There's no point in wasting time pursuing a relationship with someone who has very fundamental differences in beliefs if I know I can't live with those differences. That's what most of this thread has been saying, that it's futile to try to "fix" those things, or to make them change things. If a guy is religious enough to hang a crucifix on his wall, or is totally comfortable with having his mom put it there, then we have some very fundamental differences that would not make us compatible. I'm not going to ask him to abandon his religion or his mom for me, that just doesn't work. I move on and keep looking for someone more compatible. It's really not any different than recognizing I wouldn't be compatible with a vegan, or someone who was an animal rights activist, or a smoker, just like someone else might not be compatible with someone who enjoyed hunting or fishing, or once in a blue moon going to a strip club, although those things wouldn't bother me in the least (especially if he was willing to take me along). To me, there are certain fundamental values that are all-or-none in finding a good match, while there are a lot of other little things that can be worked out as you get to know them.

Besides, this thread is supposed to be about what's wrong with men, not what's wrong with Moonbear's taste in men. Isn't it enough we already have two "is Moonbear over-sensitive?" threads (as Russ called it)?

 

[Hurkyl]

Going back to the OP!

Are you letting it be known that you're looking? (how would one go about doing that anyways -- I mean to let it be known you're looking, as opposed to being interested in anyone in particular -- I mean for people who don't go to bars)

I must admit that after this thread, you suddenly seem cute. I had simply never thought anything about it before. I imagine "real-life" effects would be similar.

 

[motai]

I think the problem is that people are going into relationships with unconscious expectations.

For instance, the classical question "Is this guy/girl the right one for me?". Its an entirely self-centered question. Personally, I would be asking "Am I the right guy/girl for him/her".

That and the couple should be able to talk about anything and everything at a certain level, i.e. nothing should be kept a secret. Relationships crumble under dishonesty, or even worse, infidelity, but that's another story.

About the religion thing, personally I think it is important to have the same religious beliefs shared by the couple. A pairing between an athiest and a truly devout Christian will not work at all.

 

[Pengwuino]

For instance, the classical question "Is this guy/girl the right one for me?". Its an entirely self-centered question. Personally, I would be asking "Am I the right guy/girl for her".

So what happens when you find a girl who thinks your the greatest person ever but you hate everything about her?

 

[motai]

So what happens when you find a girl who thinks your the greatest person ever but you hate everything about her?

That seems like a rare case, sounds like something more suited for celebrity/fan relationships . I forgot that celebrity story recently, something about a fan claiming that a celebrity stalked her or something and filing restraining orders and such, really weird stuff. Anyway, besides the point.

 

[The_Professional]

I think the problem is that people are going into relationships with unconscious expectations.
For instance, the classical question "Is this guy/girl the right one for me?". Its an entirely self-centered question. Personally, I would be asking "Am I the right guy/girl for him/her".

you're supposed to ask yourself if she's the right one. you don't want to end up with a nutjob

That and the couple should be able to talk about anything and everything at a certain level, i.e. nothing should be kept a secret.

this is all oprah brainwashing. there are some things that are better left off. there is a time and place to tell a girl that you were a hitman for the mafia. if it's not going to raise her interest keep quiet about it.

 

[Mk]

this is all oprah brainwashing. there are some things that are better left off. there is a time and place to tell a girl that you were a hitman for the mafia. if it's not going to raise her interest keep quiet about it.

You're right, but is it Oprah brainwashing? Or Dr. Phil?

 

[Moonbear]

For instance, the classical question "Is this guy/girl the right one for me?". Its an entirely self-centered question. Personally, I would be asking "Am I the right guy/girl for him/her".

Nah, I'd leave it to the guy to figure out if I'm right for him.

That and the couple should be able to talk about anything and everything at a certain level, i.e. nothing should be kept a secret. Relationships crumble under dishonesty, or even worse, infidelity, but that's another story.

Well, unless you work in a field that requires security clearance and aren't allowed to tell your spouse everything. I actually don't mind a guy keeping secrets from me, as long as he isn't actually hiding things from me. Yes, I'll explain. For example, if we're friends with another couple, and one person of that couple tells him something in confidence, and I ask what their conversation was about, if he answers that he can't tell me because something was shared in confidence, that's fine (yeah, I'll be curious, but I won't be bothered that he doesn't share). If, instead he answers me with, "nothing," or makes up something, that would bug me. I respect a person who can keep secrets, and realize that as long as it isn't something that affects me, if someone tells him a secret, it doesn't automatically mean they want me to know it too.

 

[Moonbear]

this is all oprah brainwashing. there are some things that are better left off. there is a time and place to tell a girl that you were a hitman for the mafia. if it's not going to raise her interest keep quiet about it.

It's much more important for a woman to inform a man interested in her immediately if her father was ever a hitman for the mafia.

 

[The_Professional]

You're right, but is it Oprah brainwashing? Or Dr. Phil?

they're equally guilty. their message to guys is: tell all your negatives, your insecurities, your hang-ups, your secret fears, your nightmares and the woman will fall in love with you. the guy won't last long term. she's not there to be a shrink or a mother.

 

[Mk]

He kept saying he'd whack me, but he looked kinda old to do any damage so I was like "ok, don't worry."

they're equally guilty. their message to guys is: tell all your negatives, your insecurities, your hang-ups, your secret fears, your nightmares and the woman will fall in love with you. the guy won't last long term. she's not there to be a shrink or a mother.

Real men show off their insecurities, fears, and hang-ups.

 

[The_Professional]

Real men show off their insecurities, fears, and hang-ups.

do you hear the terminator saying something other than to strike fear in the hearts of men? do you think clint eastwood would stop in the middle of a shootout and tell his enemies that his mother never gave him enough milk when he was a baby?

 

[Moonbear]

they're equally guilty. their message to guys is: tell all your negatives, your insecurities, your hang-ups, your secret fears, your nightmares and the woman will fall in love with you. the guy won't last long term. she's not there to be a shrink or a mother.

Yeah, that's probably the world's worst advice to men, unless they're looking for one of those women who likes to take on "projects." The important stuff, she'll figure out over time anyway, the rest you should at least wait until AFTER she's in love with you to start sharing, and then only little bits at a time. You don't want to come across as an insecure nut-job, unless of course you're interested in meeting an insecure nut-job.

 

[The_Professional]

Yeah, that's probably the world's worst advice to men, unless they're looking for one of those women who likes to take on "projects." The important stuff, she'll figure out over time anyway, the rest you should at least wait until AFTER she's in love with you to start sharing, and then only little bits at a time. You don't want to come across as an insecure nut-job, unless of course you're interested in meeting an insecure nut-job.

exactly, information should be spoon-fed. slow down guys

 

[Evo]

I couldn't even consider any guy that admits to reading or watching Oprah or Dr Phil.

That's just wrong.

 

[Math Is Hard]

I couldn't even consider any guy that admits to reading or watching Oprah or Dr Phil.
That's just wrong.

seconded. eww.