What's it like to be single all your life?

[Moonbear]

What's with these "distance-relationships"? Can't you find anyone in the places where you live? Or is PF full of interesting coincidences regarding meeting people?

Oh, good heavens, no! There is NOBODY worth dating where I live. There are nice guys here, but either too young, too old, already married, etc. The higher educated you are and the more career-driven, the less people there are who are compatible, either because you have to suppress some part of your intellectual side while with them because they just don't understand anything you're talking about, which is okay if you're just getting together with a group of people to go bowling, but not if you want to have a long-term relationship with them and share more with them, or because they cannot understand why someone comes home from work and still has hours of work to do.

I was chatting with a friend today who is getting really stressed because his wife doesn't understand this and it sounds like it's starting to strain their relationship (he's been complaining about this all week, so I know it's not just one bad day, but something that seems to be getting worse rather than getting resolved). She expects that when he's home, he'll be doing stuff around the house or spending time with her, and doesn't understand that he's still working, contacting clients, sending things back and forth with partners and other associates, etc. He just comes home to do the work that he can take home so he sees his family, not because he's done for the day. I'm wondering if their marriage is going to survive this.

I've seen a lot of marriages break up for the same reason, so anyone who thinks jobs are 8 to 5 things and doesn't understand the long hours of a demanding career is off my list pretty quickly. But, that's an example of what happens when people limit themselves to the people who are local to them and settle for the best they can find there, but not necessarily the best for them overall.

 

[Kurdt]

Lets be single together!

 

[franznietzsche]

Lets be single together!

Pfft, you're on your own.

 

[Moonbear]

Lets be single together!

I like the irony.

 

[Kurdt]

bit of oxymoron as well

 

[pivoxa15]

Well if you have that attitude than you might not be single for very long.

 

[JasonRox]

You guys talk about meeting people online, but what about the coping skills one gets when simply going out and looking for someone? Lots of social skills and personal development happens when you go out and look for one, or plainly live life. The internet takes that away, especially things like Facebook, MSN, and so on.

What are you're thoughts on that? We can't ignore these things. Before you'd have to deal with the fact, but now everyone can run away from it. Is that necessarily a good thing?

Personally, I say it's not a good thing at all. Why? We all need personal development no matter how old we are.

 

[Astronuc]

You guys talk about meeting people online, but what about the coping skills one gets when simply going out and looking for someone? Lots of social skills and personal development happens when you go out and look for one, or plainly live life. The internet takes that away, especially things like Facebook, MSN, and so on.

What are you're thoughts on that? We can't ignore these things. Before you'd have to deal with the fact, but now everyone can run away from it. Is that necessarily a good thing?

The internet is a starting point! But in reality, I think most prefer to meet in person - at least I would.

Certainly one needs to develop oneself and social skills.

In theory, one develops social skills and interpersonal relationships in one community, e.g at school or at church or other social institutions. Yet one might not find the 'right' person. The internet allows a much larger population, and it is then may be possible to find the 'right' person, AND arrange to meet in person.

Anyway, it is possible for one to deceive another, from a distance or in person, and we have seen examples of that.

Hopefully people tend to be forthright from a distance and in person.

 

[JasonRox]

The internet is a starting point! But in reality, I think most prefer to meet in person - at least I would.

Certainly one needs to develop oneself and social skills.

In theory, one develops social skills and interpersonal relationships in one community, e.g at school or at church or other social institutions. Yet one might not find the 'right' person. The internet allows a much larger population, and it is then may be possible to find the 'right' person, AND arrange to meet in person.

Anyway, it is possible for one to deceive another, from a distance or in person, and we have seen examples of that.

Hopefully people tend to be forthright from a distance and in person.

You're right, but I still see so many people using the internet before developping oneself to begin with. I see people on it at the age of 18-24. That's a little young in my opinion. You barely started life and you're already concluding that you can't find the right person? It's kind of silly if you ask me.

 

[Evo]

The internet is just the means of finding that special person. If you are interested in being with that person, obviously you will have to meet at some point.

Being in a long distance relationship actually requires that a person be more emotionally secure, trusting, and mature for it to be successful.

Over the years I have met a number of people in person that I found online and each one of them was exactly the same in person as they were online. My rule of thumb is not to meet in person until I have gotten to know someone online for at least 6 months. By 6 months, a person's true character starts to come out and I've saved myself a lot of trouble by waiting instead of rushing into meeting someone before I really get to know them.

 

[Huckleberry]

I'm more of a 6 minute person myself

 

[Evo]

You're right, but I still see so many people using the internet before developping oneself to begin with. I see people on it at the age of 18-24. That's a little young in my opinion. You barely started life and you're already concluding that you can't find the right person? It's kind of silly if you ask me.

People in that age group are usually in school and have the ability to meet people and socialize. If they instead opt to lock themselves away and sit on the computer all day, you're absolutely right.

It's when you get older that the opportunity to meet someone in person becomes really slim.

 

[radou]

Being in a long distance relationship actually requires that a person be more emotionally secure, trusting, and mature for it to be successful.

You could be right about that one, but you could be terribly wrong as well. It all depends on the persons we're talking about.

 

[Astronuc]

Being in a long distance relationship actually requires that a person be more emotionally secure, trusting, and mature for it to be successful.

Being in a long term relationship requires both parties to be emotionally secure, trusting and mature (which should include being honest, open, compassionate, sensitive, communicative, . . . ) for it to be successful.

. . . I still see so many people using the internet before developing oneself to begin with. I see people on it at the age of 18-24.

I think it starts younger. Pre-teens and young teenagers are using the internet to socialize. Hopefully, there is parental oversight, but we have seen cases, some tragic, where there is not. There are some adults who prey upon children and young adults.

The internet, or for that matter telecommunications, should not be a substitute (exclusively that is) for in-person relationships. But it allows communications/correspondence with those far away, as much as writing letters to someone faraway, e.g. across the country or overseas.

 

[Huckleberry]

Have you seen the new reality tv show on MSNBC "To Catch a Predator" where scumbags of all types are lured onto television and exposed. It's great fun for the whole family.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/10912603/

 

[mattmns]

Have you seen the new reality tv show on MSNBC "To Catch a Predator" where scumbags of all types are lured onto television and exposed. It's great fun for the whole family.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/10912603/

Didn't they catch a rabbi, and also a school teacher on that show?

 

[ShawnD]

You're right, but I still see so many people using the internet before developping oneself to begin with. I see people on it at the age of 18-24. That's a little young in my opinion. You barely started life and you're already concluding that you can't find the right person? It's kind of silly if you ask me.

Do you mean people shouldn't go out hunting for a relationship when they don't have their own life on a set path? I can see how that would make sense; a relationship would at least go under some strain if it's created under certain conditions, then those conditions completely change (get a new career, move to a new city, etc).

Regardless of age, the internet is an interesting place to meet people. You find out very quickly what you don't want to be with, and sometimes knowing what you don't want is the first step towards knowing what you do want. I've had a lot of bad internet dating experiences, and I can say with at least some confidence that I learned more in 1 year of internet dating than I did in 19 years of real life dating (yeah I'll count those kindergarten crushes as dating).
The one lesson in particular that sticks out is how common interests seemed to have nothing to do with how well a relationship works, but openness had everything to do with it. My current girlfriend loves reading books, I don't give her a hard time about it; I like technology and video games, and she doesn't bug me about it. Another thing was that career path had nothing to do with compatibility. I dated a girl who was a chemistry major, but her apathy towards work really bugged me. My current girlfriend is an art major (exact opposite of my career), but she has 2 part-time jobs and she sells paintings and prints she did for her school projects; that's very impressive.

You might not find anybody important on the internet, but you'll save a lot of time learning important dating lessons. If the site tries to match based on questionaires, it's almost like you get to pick and choose your test subjects then see why the relationship fails.

 

[Huckleberry]

I don't know, but from what I hear there seems to be no identifying factor in the predators. They come from all classes, races, religions, etc. It's kind of scary. I wonder what the hell these people are thinking? MSNBC is posing as a 15 year old girl or something and the guy goes to where she lives. Internet predators seem to be very trusting (desperate) people.

 

[JasonRox]

I don't know, but from what I hear there seems to be no identifying factor in the predators. They come from all classes, races, religions, etc. It's kind of scary. I wonder what the hell these people are thinking? MSNBC is posing as a 15 year old girl or something and the guy goes to where she lives. Internet predators seem to be very trusting (desperate) people.

Internet predators are usually not on internet dating services. They go in chat rooms.

 

[mattmns]

Internet predators are usually not on internet dating services.

And what are you basing this on?

 

[JasonRox]

And what are you basing this on?

You guys are talking about MSNBC, and they got them all on chatrooms and the guys on there said most of them go in chatrooms.

 

[trajan22]

I doubt many kids use online dating services. So there would be no point for a predator to be looking there.

 

[ShawnD]

Internet predators are usually not on internet dating services. They go in chat rooms.

Speaking of which, it was some TV show about pedophiles that pointed out the hilarious irony of "kid safe" chat rooms. If your kids are restricted to using the kids only chat rooms, guess where the pedophiles go. Yeah.

 

[mattmns]

Woops, I thought you were talking about internet predators in general, not just pedophiles.