What's it like to be single all your life?

[Moonbear]

Moonbear, I celebrate your independence and I totally relate, but may I ask you something? Were you always so comfortable alone or did you grow into it? As for myself, I think I grew into it.

I've always been comfortable being alone. In fact, I craved getting out and being on my own when I was younger (somewhat like JasonRox who's currently chomping at the bit to get out of his parents' house). I've already lived in 4 states to keep advancing my career, and couldn't have done that if I had to keep in mind someone else who also needed to sustain a career. I've never even liked having roommates, and was so happy when I could finally afford to live on my own. I have friends and relatives who couldn't believe I just picked up and moved to a new state completely by myself when I did the first move...to me, it was an adventure, to them it was terrifying to leave the comforts of the community they had lived in all their lives.

I have grown tired of moving from place to place and starting over again just as I start to figure out where things are and build friendships, so I am hoping to finally stay put where I am now, but would be completely content to continue living on my own without a partner. I do need some friends, and that's the hard part about starting over in each new place, that time between moving in and making new friends when you realize you're totally on your own. But, fortunately, I've at least always known a few coworkers through prior collaborations and professional contacts before moving to each place so that I did at least have one or two local people to call if I ran into some sort of emergency and didn't know how to find resources to handle it in the new town.

I don't think my married friends would give that up, ever, but they do sometimes express regret that they didn't have the same opportunity to move around and see different places and take some career opportunities that would have required moves their spouses couldn't do with them.

Companionship is a good thing too, but only if it's with the right person. Some people will take the first person who comes along because they just can't handle living alone, but that would have left me feeling stifled. In a way, when someone really compatible comes along, I consider that more of a bonus than a requirement, if that makes sense.

 

[Moonbear]

However, wouldn't you say that the probability of finding the 'right person' decreases (exponentially) with age? Mainly because you might find one that you like but they are in another relationship with someone else. Or they may have has serious relationships with someone else in the past which is highly undesirable.

No, I think it's always about the same. The probability of finding the wrong person seems to decrease though. In other words, you know better who you are and what you want, and what to look for so can quickly weed out and get past the ones who are totally incompatible and not waste time on them. But, some people are just fussier than others too (I'm very fussy...probably because I like being alone, so it's going to take a pretty unique person to convince me I want to be with them more than I want to be alone). Of my friends, the ones who married the youngest are the ones who are divorced now, so all they accomplished was a number of years of making each other miserable. The ones who took a bit longer to find someone seem much happier together and so far have stayed married. My answer to quiet the people who would bug me about when I was going to meet a nice guy and get married has for some time been, "I'm just skipping the first marriage and divorce." That seems to put an end to that discussion quickly enough.

 

[Astronuc]

However, wouldn't you say that the probability of finding the 'right person' decreases (exponentially) with age?

Not necessarily. It might actually increase or be relatively constant.

In other words, you know better who you are and what you want,

I agree. People evolve. Two single people might not find a suitable partner until they meet each other, which could happen at any age.

I have met only two women (other than my wife) in whom I might have been interested in marrying had I met them before my wife.

Some people prefer to be single, including non-cohabiting (cohabitation is technically not single), and perhaps will always remain single for whatever reason. There may be a preference to be alone, some, all or most of the time. One can remain single, but still socialize with friends or companions in a non-exclusive relationship.

Mainly because you might find one that you like but they are in another relationship with someone else. Or they may have has serious relationships with someone else in the past which is highly undesirable.

That's possible. Or one is in a relationship and finds some other person outside of that relationship. Then one choose to break the relationship in favor of another (new/better/. . .) relationship.

Apparently statistically single women live longer than married women, while married men live longer than single men. It would appear that mean are more psychologically dependent upon women than the converse.

Having seen what my single friends and colleagues go through in terms of dating, I have happy to be married, even after 25 years, and especially to the woman I married since she has worked hard by my side all these years. We've had rough times together, but neither of us have quit. I'm looking forward to more years, maybe another 25 years or more.

 

[Huckleberry]

It seems that there are two sides of a coin and people always tend to want something they don't or can't have. But when they have it, it may not be as good as they thought it was or that their desire for it had been lost.

However, wouldn't you say that the probability of finding the 'right person' decreases (exponentially) with age? Mainly because you might find one that you like but they are in another relationship with someone else. Or they may have has serious relationships with someone else in the past which is highly undesirable.

Here is a line from Moonbear that is an example of why I think it is a good idea to wait before becoming commited to a relationship.

to me, it was an adventure, to them it was terrifying to leave the comforts of the community they had lived in all their lives.

I think that many people are afraid of being alone and find someone else, anyone else, to avoid that emotion. Learning to be alone helps you to learn about yourself and what it is that you really need from a relationship. It becomes easier to recognize someone that has the qualities that suit you and easier to overlook the small stuff. I think that one would be willing to work harder to sustain a relationship that is not easily replaced, and will also reap more rewards from their labor.

In my life there have been a few women that I have been very interested in that were already in serious relationships. I could tell you a few stories that would make you cry. Then again, there have been many beautiful young women that were interested in me for some reason, but I just didn't see the right qualities in them. They were fine people, the attraction was there, just not the desire to be in a relationship with them. I could tell you a few stories that would make you laugh. I'm kind of an idiot when it comes to women, even though I know what I want when I see it.

 

[radou]

I have a friend who's about the same way too. One time we didn't see each other for two months, and when we saw each other, it was just like it always was. Neither feel guilty for not keeping in contact.

Exactly the same here.

But not all people will understand that, unfortunately.

As for the single/non-single issue... I'm hoping to find someone and settle down when the time comes, at least that's my foggy vision of the future. One just never knows what awaits. But then again, I think I couldn't live on my own. I can't imagine being without someone you can completely trust and someone who can give you comforting words when you need them. Well, of course, this doesn't have to be your partner, but still..

 

[Type 7]

In a way, when someone really compatible comes along, I consider that more of a bonus than a requirement, if that makes sense.

Yes that does make sense. Rather than feeling like a missing ingredient has been added to your life, you feel like some sweetness has been stirred into it. Icing on the cake.

Any thoughts? It would be good to hear from someone who have experience in this subject. Or someone who has done some reading on this subject.

I guess if you are not sociable in the first place then it wouldn't matter too much although it would still get to you wouldn't it? Would you become depressed easily and often? Although after say you reach 40 or more than it might not get to you as much?

I have been told by two women and one man that they had the most passionate relationship of their lives after age forty.

Somewhere I read this line: The capacity for romance beats with the heart. I suspect that there are aspects of genuine love and affection that are known only to those older and wiser than me. I look forward to discovering them on my own.

 

[franznietzsche]

I have recently acquired a boyfriend, but since he lives in another state, it really hasn't changed much in my lifestyle (other than spending more time talking on the phone instead of posting on PF some nights).

BLASPHEMY!


More time on the phone than on PF?

Actually yeah. I had a live in girlfriend for most of the past six months. Incidently i also haven't been on PF most of that time.

Personally, being single doesn't bother me, it certainly bothers me less than being attached to the wrong person.

 

[Moonbear]

BLASPHEMY!


More time on the phone than on PF?

Sometimes I'm on the phone AND on PF, and sometimes we're both on PF.

Personally, being single doesn't bother me, it certainly bothers me less than being attached to the wrong person.

And obviously, someone who keeps you away from PF that long must be the wrong person. Which reminds me I need to bug mind to get back on here, especially since he has a lot of time to kill at weird hours of the night now that he's done with an experiment that got him onto vampire hours.

 

[franznietzsche]

Sometimes I'm on the phone AND on PF, and sometimes we're both on PF.

That sounds like some kind of kinky foreplay to me.

And obviously, someone who keeps you away from PF that long must be the wrong person. Which reminds me I need to bug mind to get back on here, especially since he has a lot of time to kill at weird hours of the night now that he's done with an experiment that got him onto vampire hours.

Yes, anything that comes between a person and PF is definitely the work of the devil. Even if it is a very seductive devil :!) .

 

[Moonbear]

Are you still together?

 

[franznietzsche]

Are you still together?

Nah i broke up with her several weeks ago, for a number of reasons. It was semi-amicable. Currently seeing someone who lives much further away unfortunately, all the way down in san diego

 

[Math Is Hard]

Nah i broke up with her several weeks ago, for a number of reasons. It was semi-amicable. Currently seeing someone who lives much further away unfortunately, all the way down in san diego

we can commiserate, franz. I've got a fella down in SD.

 

[Type 7]

Or, maybe you need to live in a duplex and have his and hers sides.

Now that's a cool idea! Or maybe a house across the street.

 

[franznietzsche]

we can commiserate, franz. I've got a fella down in SD.

Thats half the distance for you that is for me though

Actually I've known her for a very long time, we went to high school together and I dated her best friend back then. None of our mutual friends were surprised when they found out that we're dating now

 

[Zenparticle]

here's my two cents

There are people whom choose to be alone (only relationship wise and sometimes all people wise)
There are people who are forced to be alone (like solitude confinement in prison/jail ect)
There are people who get married and have kids and those who don't have kids
There are people who are domestic partners

people who are forced to be alone, now that's a terrible thing. I once went to jail for some retarded graffiti stuff when i was about 19 . My father worked in law enforcement and had the warden of the jail post me up in a section called "protective custody" because he was afraid that someone would recognize my name and I dunno, jump me; or something to that affect. Protective custody is where your on lock down( meaning your alone in your room 24/7 ) I spent 1 week like that and it really messed me up- it took me some time even after i was released before i felt normal. Anyhow point being Single is good its great and it's a heck of a lot better than being isolated!

 

[radou]

What's with these "distance-relationships"? Can't you find anyone in the places where you live? Or is PF full of interesting coincidences regarding meeting people?

 

[Astronuc]

What's with these "distance-relationships"? Can't you find anyone in the places where you live? Or is PF full of interesting coincidences regarding meeting people?

The internet has provided opportunities to meet people, and in the case of PF (and other similar forums), people with similar interests/outlooks.

I don't know of any local institution which is quite like an internet forum, with a membership in the 10's of thousands from all over the world, not just one country, or state or town.

On a local basis, people do submit information to personal ads in newspapers, and now on the radio, but that is like casting a fishing line into the water not knowing what will turn up. And then there are match making services, locally, regionally, nationally and internationally. The internet captures them all. The wider the net, the greater the chance to find that one other person who meets a unique set of criteria.

The downside of a relationship 'over the wire' is the distance and the inability to engage in eye to eye contact. Some people however are comfortable with that.

 

[Art]

I was curious to see if there is any data on the number of 'real' relationships which had started on the net, haven't found any figures yet but did come across this interesting article regarding bipolars and the internet. It's unusual in that it's written from the pov that bipolars need protection from others whereas the normal attitude is that others need protection from them.

Bipolars and Internet Romance
From PaulaHOST

Part 1: What Makes Internet Relationships So Desirable?
People are drawn to cyber-romances for the same reasons they are drawn to face-to-face romances - either they don't have a "real-life" love relationship, or there is something missing in their "real-life" love relationship. On the internet, they may indeed find what they are missing. Or, because of the partial anonymity of cyberspace - which allows lots of room for fantasy and imagination - they may only THINK they have found what they are missing.
[snip]
What Makes Bipolar People So Vulnerable?
Hypersexuality - hypersexuality is a real problem for the manic bipolar. Because it feels very good, and very powerful, it can be a driving force that propels all thought, all feeling, and all motive. Hypersexuality often causes us to engage in flirtatious, seductive behavior that we would never otherwise consider. Hypersexuality often causes us to abandon real relationships, and it can lead us into dangerous online (and offline) situations. Worst of all, it often causes irreparable damage to integrity, dignity, and reputation.

Perceptual problems - the bipolar often wrongly interprets subtle nuances in voice and body language even when having a physical conversation. In the surreal, artificial environment of the internet, those nuances are further limited by our inability to express them electronically. It's very easy for you - and the person with whom you are communicating - to misinterpret intentions and motives.

Poor impulse control - the desire to live in the moment (without consideration of future consequences) can be real a problem, especially during periods of mania and depression.

Poor self-esteem - bipolars often have a desperate need for attention, friendship, and validation from other human beings. These feelings make us very, very vulnerable to internet stalking, manipulation, and deceit.

Grandiosity - when afflicted with grandiosity, we think we have absolute clarity and can do no wrong. All of our decisions - even the horrifically bad ones - "feel right," and they all make perfect sense.

http://bipolar.about.com/cs/menu_chat/a/0302_online1.htm

Edit: Still can't find any data other than a very small scale study of 30 people in which 33% had real life meetings with cyber friends but even in that nothing about future romantic interest.

I'm surprised. I'd have thought given the prevalence of the net these days there would have been tons of studies done.

 

[Evo]

I know a number of people that met their current spouse over the internet. One of the former mentors here, Kerrie met her husband on the internet, he ended up moving to where she was. They are very happy.

I'm surprised more and more when I find out people I work with found their spouse online and across country, sometimes in a different country.

I met my former fiance through the internet, we were together 8 years and he lived in Italy. We would take turns flying back and forth. Unfortunately when his father died of cancer he sunk into such a deep depression that he withdrew from life for a couple of years and in that time we drifted apart. He's fine now and I still need to send him his camera.

 

[franznietzsche]

What's with these "distance-relationships"? Can't you find anyone in the places where you live? Or is PF full of interesting coincidences regarding meeting people?

Sure i can find people near where i live. But i don't like them as much as her . Why settle for someone I'm less interested in, just because they live closer? I'm not THAT addicted to sex.

 

[Moonbear]

What's with these "distance-relationships"? Can't you find anyone in the places where you live? Or is PF full of interesting coincidences regarding meeting people?

Oh, good heavens, no! There is NOBODY worth dating where I live. There are nice guys here, but either too young, too old, already married, etc. The higher educated you are and the more career-driven, the less people there are who are compatible, either because you have to suppress some part of your intellectual side while with them because they just don't understand anything you're talking about, which is okay if you're just getting together with a group of people to go bowling, but not if you want to have a long-term relationship with them and share more with them, or because they cannot understand why someone comes home from work and still has hours of work to do.

I was chatting with a friend today who is getting really stressed because his wife doesn't understand this and it sounds like it's starting to strain their relationship (he's been complaining about this all week, so I know it's not just one bad day, but something that seems to be getting worse rather than getting resolved). She expects that when he's home, he'll be doing stuff around the house or spending time with her, and doesn't understand that he's still working, contacting clients, sending things back and forth with partners and other associates, etc. He just comes home to do the work that he can take home so he sees his family, not because he's done for the day. I'm wondering if their marriage is going to survive this.

I've seen a lot of marriages break up for the same reason, so anyone who thinks jobs are 8 to 5 things and doesn't understand the long hours of a demanding career is off my list pretty quickly. But, that's an example of what happens when people limit themselves to the people who are local to them and settle for the best they can find there, but not necessarily the best for them overall.

 

[Kurdt]

Lets be single together!

 

[franznietzsche]

Lets be single together!

Pfft, you're on your own.

 

[Moonbear]

Lets be single together!

I like the irony.

 

[Kurdt]

bit of oxymoron as well

 

[pivoxa15]

Well if you have that attitude than you might not be single for very long.

 

[JasonRox]

You guys talk about meeting people online, but what about the coping skills one gets when simply going out and looking for someone? Lots of social skills and personal development happens when you go out and look for one, or plainly live life. The internet takes that away, especially things like Facebook, MSN, and so on.

What are you're thoughts on that? We can't ignore these things. Before you'd have to deal with the fact, but now everyone can run away from it. Is that necessarily a good thing?

Personally, I say it's not a good thing at all. Why? We all need personal development no matter how old we are.

 

[Astronuc]

You guys talk about meeting people online, but what about the coping skills one gets when simply going out and looking for someone? Lots of social skills and personal development happens when you go out and look for one, or plainly live life. The internet takes that away, especially things like Facebook, MSN, and so on.

What are you're thoughts on that? We can't ignore these things. Before you'd have to deal with the fact, but now everyone can run away from it. Is that necessarily a good thing?

The internet is a starting point! But in reality, I think most prefer to meet in person - at least I would.

Certainly one needs to develop oneself and social skills.

In theory, one develops social skills and interpersonal relationships in one community, e.g at school or at church or other social institutions. Yet one might not find the 'right' person. The internet allows a much larger population, and it is then may be possible to find the 'right' person, AND arrange to meet in person.

Anyway, it is possible for one to deceive another, from a distance or in person, and we have seen examples of that.

Hopefully people tend to be forthright from a distance and in person.

 

[JasonRox]

The internet is a starting point! But in reality, I think most prefer to meet in person - at least I would.

Certainly one needs to develop oneself and social skills.

In theory, one develops social skills and interpersonal relationships in one community, e.g at school or at church or other social institutions. Yet one might not find the 'right' person. The internet allows a much larger population, and it is then may be possible to find the 'right' person, AND arrange to meet in person.

Anyway, it is possible for one to deceive another, from a distance or in person, and we have seen examples of that.

Hopefully people tend to be forthright from a distance and in person.

You're right, but I still see so many people using the internet before developping oneself to begin with. I see people on it at the age of 18-24. That's a little young in my opinion. You barely started life and you're already concluding that you can't find the right person? It's kind of silly if you ask me.

 

[Evo]

The internet is just the means of finding that special person. If you are interested in being with that person, obviously you will have to meet at some point.

Being in a long distance relationship actually requires that a person be more emotionally secure, trusting, and mature for it to be successful.

Over the years I have met a number of people in person that I found online and each one of them was exactly the same in person as they were online. My rule of thumb is not to meet in person until I have gotten to know someone online for at least 6 months. By 6 months, a person's true character starts to come out and I've saved myself a lot of trouble by waiting instead of rushing into meeting someone before I really get to know them.