Why Don't Guys My Age Approach Me?

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The discussion centers around the challenges a young female physics student faces in attracting male peers, contrasting her experiences with unwanted attention from older men. Despite her efforts to engage with guys her age, including dropping hints of interest, she feels overlooked and frustrated. Participants debate the reasons behind this, suggesting that younger men may be shy or socially inept, particularly in a physics context where gender ratios are skewed. The conversation touches on the perception of older men as "creepy," with varying opinions on age differences and attraction dynamics. Some suggest that dressing more conservatively might reduce unwanted attention, while others emphasize the importance of being direct in expressing interest. The thread highlights the complexities of dating within academic settings, especially for women in male-dominated fields, and the societal expectations surrounding age and attraction. Ultimately, it underscores the need for clear communication and the challenges of navigating romantic interests in a university environment.
  • #31
I'd say true about subtleness and true about shyness. From my time at uni I recall the same image mentioned by raw, that in a lecturer hall of 50 or more there would often be only 2-3 girls and the excuses I back then would conjure up in order not go over and talk to them was a mixture of 1) "she is probably tired of constantly being contacted by boys", 2) "if I talk to her she will think I'm trying to hit on her", 3) "if I talk to her, the other boys will think I'm trying to hit on her", 4) "if she sits with another girl that must mean she doesn't want to talk with boys", 5) "if I talk to her and she turns out nice I may fall in love with her (yeah, young boys can fall in love with just a smile and a kind word)".

Eventually I came to the conclusion that that all those excuses were nonsense, so I ended up talking to whomever I sat next to regardless of gender or, like when grouping for exercises, when someone sad alone but looked interested to group. And girls often showed to be much more easy to talk with than boys who, unless they were friends, often brought a competitive edge to the conversation.

So, what I guess I'm trying to say is, if you want boys to talk with you then by all means start talking to them, and if you want to take it further than classroom talk then smiling that special smile should pave the way for you to bring out something like Evo's pickup line in case he is too shy to act on your smiling alone. Starting out with the pickup line too fast may work but it will probably also scare some off.

And I can't believe I'm sitting here trying to be clever on this topic ...
 
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  • #32
raw said:
The thing is if I'm rejected I will have to face that guy almost daily in class...

That may be *exactly* what the guys in your class are thinking, only with the gender parity switched.

So maybe peruse the chemistry, math, or engineering departments?
 
  • #33
Well there you go. You know, there is some benefit to being rejected: they know where you stand. You like them. Of course if you act like a jerk and treat them crummy cus' they rejected you, then no benefit to you. But if, after being so horrendously defeated, you're still nice, say hi, maybe even a smile or two, but nothing too forward, well, that's golden: you're still there so if things change, well, you already got a foot in the door is all I'm sayin'. At least that's how a guy should be. Maybe though different for a female.
 
  • #34
Continue showing interest after being rejected and you stand a good chance of being used for casual sex. That could do more harm than good if you misinterpret this as their desire to be with you.
 
  • #35
Why is this thread still going on. Ask a guy out to lunch. Done.

If this was a guy having problems with girls, everyone would have just been like "ask the girl out. done". Done! Girls should have to play the same annoying games guys have to.
 
  • #36
Pengwuino said:
Why is this thread still going on. Ask a guy out to lunch. Done.

If this was a guy having problems with girls, everyone would have just been like "ask the girl out. done". Done! Girls should have to play the same annoying games guys have to.

I disagree. It's not the same with girls. You ask him out and he'll think he has you. Without any work even! I mean great, she's askin' me out. That'll be easy I bet. She likes me and will probably give it up easily. No prob-lem-mo. I like them kind. I believe girls have to worry about that sort of thing all the time and I think that's the main reason they don't ask guys out much.
 
  • #37
jackmell said:
I disagree. It's not the same with girls. You ask him out and he'll think he has you. Without any work even! I mean great, she's askin' me out. That'll be easy I bet. She likes me and will probably give it up easily. No prob-lem-mo. I like them kind. I believe girls have to worry about that sort of thing all the time and I think that's the main reason they don't ask guys out much.
Hmmm - that was never my expectation. When I was 19, a girl (sister of a friend) called me up and asked if I would come over. I did, and shortly afterward, we started dating, but that lasted about 4 months. We were rather different in the things we liked, so we went separate ways.

She also told me she was taking birth control pills, but I didn't pursue that, which might be one reason we parted ways.
 
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  • #38
Astronuc said:
Hmmm - that was never my expectation. When I was 19, a girl (sister of a friend) called me up and asked if I would come over. I did, and shortly afterward, we started dating, but that lasted about 4 months. We were rather different in the things we liked, so we went separate ways.

She also told me she was taking birth control pills, but I didn't pursue that, which might be one reason we parted ways.

Astronuc . . . I've read a number of your post and you strike me as a gentleman and a scholar. Seriously. So I am not a bit surprised you would say that which I think is admirable as I would find it disrespectful to a woman to just use her for sex although I am a guy and well, I could get weak and all and drop the morals at least a few times anyway.

However I think you're the exception as I believe a lot of guys would interpret her forwardness in asking him out as a sign that she'll give it up easily and I think she believes this and that is why females do not often ask guys out.
 
  • #39
jackmell said:
However I think you're the exception as I believe a lot of guys would interpret her forwardness in asking him out as a sign that she'll give it up easily and I think she believes this and that is why females do not often ask guys out.
Actually, she wanted some company. Her mom was in hospital for tests and she was upset. I spent some time with her, and the dating started later.

Her brother was a friend, and I had helped him help her to move earlier that year.

I've never taken advantage of anyone, and never will.


Besides, I considered every woman I dated as a potential wife. For me, it was a matter of finding the right woman.
 
  • #40
jackmell said:
However I think you're the exception as I believe a lot of guys would interpret her forwardness in asking him out as a sign that she'll give it up easily and I think she believes this and that is why females do not often ask guys out.

This doesn't really jive with the guys she apparently can't get to notice her though. The type of guys who would see a girl asking them out as "man i so want in your pants" are probably not the type of guy to have basically ignored her "advances" so far at this point.
 
  • #41
Pengwuino said:
This doesn't really jive with the guys she apparently can't get to notice her though. The type of guys who would see a girl asking them out as "man i so want in your pants" are probably not the type of guy to have basically ignored her "advances" so far at this point.

Well, I think in general the guys are shy and introverted and also it depends on how nice she looks. Pretty girl hits on an available guy, he'll take interest most often I think.
 
  • #42
jarednjames said:
If that's you in your profile pic, I'd just pull a move like that in front of them. Demonstrate your 'flexibility' so to speak. :-p

Yeah that is me in my profile pic. I'm actually not that felxible. Who under the age of 35 in a normal weight range can't do that?
 
  • #43
raw said:
Yeah that is me in my profile pic. I'm actually not that felxible. Who under the age of 35 in a normal weight range can't do that?

Me. I'm a dude. Bending like that just ain't part of my repetoire.
 
  • #44
that is reasonably flexible. i go to the gym daily. i don't think the average girl can do that. certainly not the average guy.

as far as "being creepy", i wouldn't place an age on it. rather look at the guy, and the life left in him. unless he is a one of a kind, 80 is going to be too old. but not necessarily true of someone in their 40s or 50s.

some situations are uniquely different.
 
  • #45
Pengwuino said:
Why is this thread still going on. Ask a guy out to lunch. Done.

If this was a guy having problems with girls, everyone would have just been like "ask the girl out. done". Done! Girls should have to play the same annoying games guys have to.

Ahmen, brother!
 
  • #46
80 would work for me if the money ]and the will] was right - how long could the old buzzard live?. Seriously, its just a testosterone thing. Most gals are oblivious to 'hits' by old guys because it happens so often they have become immune. You just mumble something polite and move on. Most young guys are on guard because they are looking for the 'right' girl. So, you must be clever. It is easier if you are willing to settle for a moron looking for the second coming of 'mommy' - don't be that girl.
 
  • #47
raw said:
Yeah that is me in my profile pic. I'm actually not that felxible. Who under the age of 35 in a normal weight range can't do that?

I'm pretty sure I'd go into cardiac arrest.

But maybe that would be the grading catching up to me.

Wait, are you walking up to people in that pose? Actually that should have the opposite effect...
 
  • #48
Haha glad I am flexible compared to someone...you guys make me feel good. In my yoga class I am one of the least flexible, it's embarrassing some time.
 
  • #49
raw said:
Haha glad I am flexible compared to someone...you guys make me feel good. In my yoga class I am one of the least flexible, it's embarrassing some time.

:bugeye: You're not that flexible? What's your basis for comparison?

Are these women in your class?

flexible_trip_20090831_1303896036.jpg
 
  • #50
Dembadon said:
:bugeye: You're not that flexible? What's your basis for comparison?

Are these women in your class?

Common Dembadon. A gymnast bridge ? Anyone should be able to do that. Regardless of age. :devil:
 
  • #51
DanP said:
Common Dembadon. A gymnast bridge ? Anyone should be able to do that. Regardless of age. :devil:

:smile: I might be able to with some practice, but I haven't been that flexible since I was much younger, when I was in karate.
 
  • #52
Dembadon said:
:smile: I might be able to with some practice, but I haven't been that flexible since I was much younger, when I was in karate.

Try it from the floor ? I bet you will succeed, even if it will take several attempts.
 
  • #53
DanP said:
Try it from the floor ? I bet you will succeed, even if it will take several attempts.

I've been in some interesting positions while (rock) climbing. They've required more muscle endurance than flexibility, though. I'm sure if I started stretching again on a regular basis it wouldn't take me long to "go back in time."
 
  • #54
DanP said:
Try it from the floor ? I bet you will succeed, even if it will take several attempts.

Before you try it, Dembadon, get 911 on speed dial and keep your phone handy.
 
  • #55
Just going to insert my opinion here on something slightly off topic.
As a 20 year old, you are in your sexual prime. 40 year old men and such who find you attractive are merely following their sexual instincts. There is nothing creepy about this. Since these men are not in their sexual prime, it is not surprising that you would not be attracted to them.
I guess my point is, try to take it as flattery. If you make it clear you're not interested and they persist (which unfortunately, I'm sure happens) then yes, that is creepy.

Just my two cents.

It' also useful to keep in mind that you will one day be "old" too.
 
  • #56
Galteeth said:
Just going to insert my opinion here on something slightly off topic.
As a 20 year old, you are in your sexual prime. 40 year old men and such who find you attractive are merely following their sexual instincts. There is nothing creepy about this. Since these men are not in their sexual prime, it is not surprising that you would not be attracted to them.
I guess my point is, try to take it as flattery. If you make it clear you're not interested and they persist (which unfortunately, I'm sure happens) then yes, that is creepy.

Just my two cents.

It' also useful to keep in mind that you will one day be "old" too.

It's not that I find them creepy because they're old and unattractive. Even if a guy were old and attractive I wouldn't be interested. I'm interested in guys who like me for my personality, not just my looks. There needs to be some sort of non-physical basis for a relationship as well. A 40+ year old guy should not have enough in common with a 20 year old girl to have any kind of relationship beyond physical. If he does then he hasn't grown up and probably never will. Sure, younger guys might want me only because of my looks but I know with the older men that it's for certain when they hit on me. My bother, who is 22, even didn't approve of a 28 year old guy dating his 21 year old friend because in his opinion they were just at different stages of their life (He already had a career while she was still in school). When a guy is 45 and the woman is 35 then it's a different story, but age gaps at my age usually result in big maturity gaps between partners.
 
  • #57
i think you are making way too many assumptions.

i think that a younger guy is more apt to like you just for your looks and sex.

and an older guy might have various reasons for liking you. he is more mature, so physical is not his only goal any more. don't you know that men only become people when they hit 30 ? LOL.

two people do not have to be in the same stage of life, necessarily, to fall in love with one another.

keep an open mind with each man you meet. how much life does he have in him ? it doesn't hurt to take the time to find out who he really is.

there is one EXTREMELY EASY SOLUTION to the physical situation. simply don't have sex with the men you date. the ones who like you for other reasons will hang on. those who dont, will be gone in no time flat.

and my bet is the younger ones will be the ones who move on the fastest.

btw, maturity gaps are also not necessarily a bad thing. what is it about this gap that you feel causes a problem ? the thing that you think is a problem, may turn out to be a big plus for you, instead.
 
  • #58
raw said:
I'm interested in guys who like me for my personality, not just my looks. There needs to be some sort of non-physical basis for a relationship as well. A 40+ year old guy should not have enough in common with a 20 year old girl to have any kind of relationship beyond physical.

Well, take it this way. At first sight, what a man see is your looks, cues about your hygiene (how neat are your nail and teeth for example, how your hair is taken care off ...), and some cues about your personality from the way you dress , move and talk for the first exchanged words. And those first words say a lot about how you socially report yourself and how open you are. And psychologically, first impressions last.

Then over several dates, and she(he) may become even more attractive, if you hit it on and its a match , a bit less, or may become a no / no.

The bottom line is, don't feel bad if a man wants to date you because the way you look. Physical attraction is a very meaningful predictor whatever you even get a first / second date. Its only natural, and anyway during the next several dates you will see more about each other, and you can always stop it if you don't hit it off.

I don't say whatever you should or not date men 20 years your senior. That is your choice, and yours alone. Some of those man are still extremely versatile, and if you feel attraction , you might want to give it a chance. You may end surprised. And remember that you can stop it at any time , before entering a more close relationship.
 
  • #59
Physics-Learner said:
there is one EXTREMELY EASY SOLUTION to the physical situation. simply don't have sex with the men you date. the ones who like you for other reasons will hang on. those who dont, will be gone in no time flat.

This is a bad advice, There is a time for everything in a relationship, and sexual intimacy is an essential part of a relation. As a women, if you hold back too much you can simply lose a guy who you do like a lot and he genuinely likes you and cares about you. Its not because man are all superficial, it's just the way things work. Same things happen to guy who think too much whatever she "is ready or not". Those things are simply expressed in exploring each other rather than endless thinking. Make up your mind about what you want, a friend or a boyfriend.
 
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  • #60
DanP said:
This is a bad advice, There is a time for everything in a relationship, and sexual intimacy is an essential part of a relation. As a women, if you hold back too much you can simply lose a guy who you do like a lot and he genuinely likes you and cares about you. Its not because man are all superficial, it's just the way things work. Same things happen to guy who think too much whatever she "is ready or not". Those things are simply expressed in exploring each other rather than endless thinking. Make up your mind about what you want, a friend or a boyfriend.

I don't think you're thinking about the right time scales here. After a few weeks a guy who only wants the girl for sex will leave most of the time. A guy who isn't just in it for sex can wait. It's not like you're keeping sex out of the question for years on end.
 

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