Why Don't Guys My Age Approach Me?

[Astronuc]

It's not that I find them creepy because they're old and unattractive. Even if a guy were old and attractive I wouldn't be interested. I'm interested in guys who like me for my personality, not just my looks. There needs to be some sort of non-physical basis for a relationship as well. A 40+ year old guy should not have enough in common with a 20 year old girl to have any kind of relationship beyond physical. If he does then he hasn't grown up and probably never will. Sure, younger guys might want me only because of my looks but I know with the older men that it's for certain when they hit on me. My bother, who is 22, even didn't approve of a 28 year old guy dating his 21 year old friend because in his opinion they were just at different stages of their life (He already had a career while she was still in school). When a guy is 45 and the woman is 35 then it's a different story, but age gaps at my age usually result in big maturity gaps between partners.

So date younger guys. My wife is 6.5 years older than me. But I'm sure when she was 20 - 23, I would have been out of bounds.

 

[DanP]

I don't think you're thinking about the right time scales here. After a few weeks a guy who only wants the girl for sex will leave most of the time. A guy who isn't just in it for sex can wait. It's not like you're keeping sex out of the question for years on end.

Yes, I am thinking right time scales :P Sometimes there is pretty narrow window of opportunity to start a intimate relationship, especially in the cases when for both the women and the men in question there is competition. Its better to use it.

Im not saying to jump in bed at the first date either... but be smart :P And for the OP:

Dont expect a men to like you like a lover only for your personality. It's an unreasonable expectation. We want to be with "you", not with your personality. "You" meaning the way you look, the way you interact socially, the way you express your femininity, common points and so on. The total package is important when you choose a girlfriend from the girls which expressed interest in you. I might be your friend for your personality, but Ill never be your lover just for that.

DOnt be ashamed if you are hot and consider it a "superficial" trait. Your "looks" are part of who you are.

 

[raw]

So date younger guys. My wife is 6.5 years older than me. But I'm sure when she was 20 - 23, I would have been out of bounds.

Yeah, actually I had a crush on a guy 2 years younger than me. Cougar in training, lol.

 

[Astronuc]

Yeah, actually I had a crush on a guy 2 years younger than me. Cougar in training, lol.

Go for it. Most of the women I dated were older than me.

 

[Physics-Learner]

This is a bad advice, There is a time for everything in a relationship, and sexual intimacy is an essential part of a relation. As a women, if you hold back too much you can simply lose a guy who you do like a lot and he genuinely likes you and cares about you. Its not because man are all superficial, it's just the way things work. Same things happen to guy who think too much whatever she "is ready or not". Those things are simply expressed in exploring each other rather than endless thinking. Make up your mind about what you want, a friend or a boyfriend.

i think you may want to rephrase "sexual intimacy is an essential part of a relationship for YOU".

people have varying degrees of thought processes as when in a relationship sex is something that they want.

people have varying degrees of thought processes as what sex in a relationship means to them.

almost all girls remember who their first was. not nearly as true for guys.

people tend to react in the today, without thinking about the repercussions of tomorrow.

as people look backwards, and ask themselves are they glad they had sex with so and so, i suspect that the answer is usually no.

so might we, as people in society, be using the wrong decision making about when to have sex ?

my advice stands, as is. if a guy really loves you, he won't leave you due to absence of sex.

 

[DanP]

i think you may want to rephrase "sexual intimacy is an essential part of a relationship for YOU".

There is a great deal of evolutionary & social psychology involved in what we call "love".
Suffice to say, in a intimate relationship, psychological intimacy and sexual intimacy are a *required* part.

Otherwise, you have other kinds of relationships. With intimacy alone, you have friendship and nothing more. With intimacy and sexual intimacy , you have what is eloquently called by some "friends with benefits". Sexual intimacy alone, you pretty much have infatuations, where the only thing you care about is to throw each at the walls and do sex.

With intimacy, sexual intimacy and commitment, you have a fulfilling intimate relationship, pretty hard to build and maintain.

Other combinations do exist, and are expressed in different forms of social relationships.

But let us be very clear about one thing. Sexual intimacy absent, you have only a friendship relation. nothing more.

people have varying degrees of thought processes as when in a relationship sex is something that they want.

people have varying degrees of thought processes as what sex in a relationship means to them.

Sure they do. But they shouldn't think that they have anything more than a friendship in those stages. It's a normal friendship / liking social relation.

almost all girls remember who their first was. not nearly as true for guys.

Well, I for one wasn't so drunk not to remember her name :P

people tend to react in the today, without thinking about the repercussions of tomorrow.

Biased and unfounded assumption.

as people look backwards, and ask themselves are they glad they had sex with so and so, i suspect that the answer is usually no.

Actually, humans regret more things which they didnt do, then things they did.

so might we, as people in society, be using the wrong decision making about when to have sex ?

No we dont. We do the best we can, subject to some evolution and social constrains.

my advice stands, as is. if a guy really loves you, he won't leave you due to absence of sex.

He will. And many times she will. Some women are subject to high competition from many different men, you sometimes get a very narrow window to make things happen. She has options. Same for some men. Its not because he is a jerk, its because he has options. Sometimes they stay in each other life as friends, but that is. If the moment is there use it. If you really like that man or girl, and all is going well, don't artificially delay entering a true relationship and form a couple only for the sake of some stupid "test".

You'll figure it out eventually how is it with losing the moment :P

Not that it can't work with "wait with sex ", it can , especially with 2 ppl with very limited options, or at very young ages.

Like I said, decide what do you want after all. A friend or a girlfriend / boyfriend ? It;s very easy to start with all good intentions and end as a "friend"

 

[zomgwtf]

Pictures?

 

[Physics-Learner]

dan,

i have to chuckle about your mindset a bit. i don't mean that in a derogatory fashion.

but i suspect that you are relatively young - 35 or less.

your statement about "But let us be very clear about one thing. Sexual intimacy absent, you have only a friendship relation. nothing more." - may be clear to you. but once again, i need to chuckle at your mindset that sex is a requirement for love. it shows me that you don't have the foggiest idea of what love is.

your statement about people regretting things that they didnt do more than things that they did do MIGHT VERY WELL BE TRUE. however, it is no response to the scenario that i gave.

we may be doing what we think is the best that we can. but if we stop to examine our results, perhaps we are not ?

let me give you an example that you may relate to more quickly. like you, i am pretty big on keeping fit. i may think i am doing the best that i can on some particular topic, be it my weight, my strength, my flexibility, whatever. but when i look at my results, it may show that i am not accomplishing what someone else might be accomplishing with their program. now our bodies all have varying degrees of "success" possibilities, but if we are not attaining the success that we think we should, then no matter how much we think we are doing the best we can, our results demonstrate differently.

my advice stands, as is. if a guy loves you, he won't leave you due to absence of sex.

 

[DanP]

your statement about "But let us be very clear about one thing. Sexual intimacy absent, you have only a friendship relation. nothing more." - may be clear to you. but once again, i need to chuckle at your mindset that sex is a requirement for love. it shows me that you don't have the foggiest idea of what love is.

What is romantic love ? friendship+sexual intimacy+commitment :P You have a different opinion ? I am all ears.

Of course, you can love someone the way I love my brother, kin for me is very important, but if I report that kind of love to a 3rd party non-kin, it's really only a very deep friendly intimacy. It;s not the type of love I want to give my girlfriend :P

You are not the first one to tell me that I have no idea what love is, maybe you guys are right. Ill think at it one day in the next 15 years or so =)

 

[Pengwuino]

What is romantic love ? friendship+sexual intimacy+commitment :P You have a different opinion ? I am all ears.

What is your definition of "commitment"?

 

[DanP]

What is your definition of "commitment"?

Loyalty to each other and the "will" to stay together. Do not understand "loyalty" as simply an obligation not to sleep with other ppl, for it is not true in some types of close social relationships.

Recall the case of parents who don't sleep together anymore, are barely friendly with each other, but they are deeply committed to their relationship for the sake of a common goal ? For example the purpose of bringing a child to an age where the separation is easier handled by the kid ?

This is still a form of close social relationship. I heard Peter Solavay of Yale in a speech on close social relationships calling this "empty love".

 

[Physics-Learner]

dan,

at least you have a good sense of humor. that will take you far in the next 15 years as you ponder some of life's other mysteries.

 

[DanP]

dan,

at least you have a good sense of humor.

that will take you far in the next 15 years as you ponder some of life's other mysteries.

I don't think that love is such a great mystery. Its has been downgraded from a mystery to a scientific problem in the last decade.

But yeah, I am really interested to hear what do you think is love. Its always nice to hear what others think about it.

 

[Physics-Learner]

the term "romantic love" is so general and has a different connotation for everyone, that it is hard to give you a definition of it. apparently, it needs to involve sex, for you.

i think sex is used way, WAY TOO EARLY in relationships. certainly way before love is ever involved.

there are many, many aspects of love. one would be holding your girlfriend in your arms and crying with her, because she feels real badly about something.

if we are talking about a person we love enough that she is our lifetime commitment, then an aspect of love is a strong desire to help her be the person that she wants to be.

to support her. to listen to her. to genuinely care about her welfare. etc. etc.

many married couples still love one another, yet sex is way less prevalent than when they were first married.

i think people get involved first in sexual relationships, hoping they may morph into loving relationships. where i think they would be better off involving themselves in loving relationships, where sex comes into play once they really have made commitments to one another.

"past sexual partners" is almost never helpful to a current relationship.

i think we as a society, need to rethink our ideas. instead of following hollyweird, perhaps we should don a new sweater that is more fitting to our happiness.

 

[DanP]

the term "romantic love" is so general and has a different connotation for everyone, that it is hard to give you a definition of it. apparently, it needs to involve sex, for you.

Sure it does. Else she is either : 1. My friend . I watch sometimes a movie with her, hang out , and go sometime to the swimming pool for laps and laughs 2. My mother 3. The sister I never had :P

i think sex is used way, WAY TOO EARLY in relationships. certainly way before love is ever involved.

It's normal. Many of those relationships develop from a strong attraction toward each other. "Love at first sight" is nothing but infatuation. True love, friendship+sexual intimacy+ commitment comes harder. There is a great deal at work involved into a long term relationship to make it work.

there are many, many aspects of love. one would be holding your girlfriend in your arms and crying with her, because she feels real badly about something.

And what, making love to her exclude being there for her when she needs ? Turning the world upside down at her whim ? It doesn't.

During my life I've hold I am my arms complete strangers in some situations to comfort them psychologically. Or other times to give them physical heat. Talked to them to keep their minds bussy and focused away from the things which scared them. I am able to this to just about anyone who genuinely needs it. I didnt need even a friendship link to them.

I would do much more for the very few friends I have. And I do even more for my kin (I usually include significant others with kin)

if we are talking about a person we love enough that she is our lifetime commitment, then an aspect of love is a strong desire to help her be the person that she wants to be.

to support her. to listen to her. to genuinely care about her welfare. etc. etc.

Lifetime commitment is so far an unknown for me. Serial monogamy seems to be the type of relations I am best suited to personally. However , sexual intimacy doesn't prevent anyone to help his girlfriend achieve her dreams or support her in any way possible.

Its a required component of a intimate relation, yeah, but having it doesn't kill psychologycal intimacy or commitment to be together for how long it lasts.

many married couples still love one another, yet sex is way less prevalent than when they were first married.

Never been married. I have no idea how it is after a very long time together.

... where i think they would be better off involving themselves in loving relationships, where sex comes into play once they really have made commitments to one another.

Easier said then done. I prefer to discover everything about her on the run, as the relationship unfolds. I believe it's better this way.

There are cases in which a friendship develops before romantic love gets involved, but they are rarer. In most of the cases, the relationship advances at a normal pace on all planes at the same time.

"past sexual partners" is almost never helpful to a current relationship.

Dont ask, don't tell ? Army got it right :P

i think we as a society, need to rethink our ideas. instead of following hollyweird, perhaps we should don a new sweater that is more fitting to our happiness.

There is a great deal of evolutionary and social constrains involved in close social relationships. I don't think that forcing the issue with some new imposed "morale" would do any good to anyone. We do alright.

 

[JaredJames]

Your posts (both of you) are getting a bit repetitive. I've actually read the same lines in multiple posts now.

Could things get back to the OP now, please?

 

[turbo]

@OP: what is wrong with gals your age? There is absolutely no reason that you can't approach a guy if you are interested. Given the M:F ratio in your classes, male students may be intimidated by the poor odds.

Ask for help with a problem (even if you don't really need it), and if you recognize a guy in the student union that shares classes with you, introduce yourself and maybe share a coffee.

 

[lisab]

@OP: what is wrong with gals your age? There is absolutely no reason that you can't approach a guy if you are interested. Given the M:F ratio in your classes, male students may be intimidated by the poor odds.

Ask for help with a problem (even if you don't really need it), and if you recognize a guy in the student union that shares classes with you, introduce yourself and maybe share a coffee.

No, I really have to disagree here (bolded). Don't play dumb.

 

[turbo]

No, I really have to disagree here (bolded). Don't play dumb.

Don't play dumb, but everybody needs clarification at times, especially when critical tests loom. No guy is going to freak out when an attractive female student asks what instructor A or B means about some concept in the text. You don't have to act dumb - all the guys that I knew in engineering (who were serious) would network with each other to try to get an edge on tests.

 

[lisab]

Don't play dumb, but everybody needs clarification at times, especially when critical tests loom. No guy is going to freak out when an attractive female student asks what instructor A or B means about some concept in the text. You don't have to act dumb - all the guys that I knew in engineering (who were serious) would network with each other to try to get an edge on tests.

But if you already understand it, asking for help as a way to get attention is playing dumb.

 

[turbo]

But if you already understand it, asking for help as a way to get attention is playing dumb.

Could be, but that's what study-groups do. I'm not a fan of playing dumb for social ends, but the OP seems to want to put all the onus on her fellow physics students when she could pull a few strings (subtly, gently).

 

[Physics-Learner]

Your posts (both of you) are getting a bit repetitive. I've actually read the same lines in multiple posts now.

Could things get back to the OP now, please?

i never thought they left.

 

[DanP]

But if you already understand it, asking for help as a way to get attention is playing dumb.

It's manipulation, not playing dumb. And it's one of the things women do best - manipulate men - should they choose to do so.

 

[Galteeth]

But if you already understand it, asking for help as a way to get attention is playing dumb.

"Hey, could you help me study for the physics test?"

"Sure."


Later...

"Hey, actually, I didn't need help with the physics test. What i really wanted to study was... biology."

Cue 70's jazz rock with heavy bass "Chick a bawawa chick abawawa"

 

[Physics-Learner]

for gosh sakes, let's get our heads on straight.

asking for help on a test when you know the answer is not manipulation.

neither is going to the drinking fountain at the gym when there is a cute boy/girl there, even though you just got a drink a minute ago.

 

[DanP]

for gosh sakes, let's get our heads on straight.

Approaching someone directly under false pretenses with the purpose to influence them towards a goal is "manipulation". I can wholeheartedly agree that in this case is innocent, but yeah , it fits the definition.

 

[Physics-Learner]

dan,

getting back to our previous conversation - yesterday i felt like getting real mad at you.

but i didnt. and i am glad.

what my whole point to the op was - to demonstrate what the typical "young male" attitude towards "romantic love" actually is.

i truly don't know if you are aware of your motivations, but they come over loud and clear, to me.

if any idea comes along that gets rid of sex in the relationship, you make rationalizations about it till the cows come home.

like your attitude about previous sexual history. it makes no difference to someone with the young male attitude, because he places no emotion to it. he just wants a hole he can thrust into.

or like the attitude of saying that "we do alright". when if you look around yourself, we find people almost always divorcing, and few kids today living with their biological moms and dads. if it got any worse, we would have to flush "romantic love" down the toilet.

the main goal of "romantic love" for someone with the young male attitude is to have a sex partner. take that away, and the male goes away.

women mostly look for love, companionship, etc. so they end up getting frustrated and bitter.

what i don't get is why women continue to stay stupid about it, and make the same mistakes over and over. it is as obvious as the nose on our faces.

your posts just helped to demonstrate that stereotype.

so again i say to the op, if she is still around, don't be looking for young guys. especially if they are good looking. because as dan says, they have options. they will stay with you until one of two things occur. 1) your demands or requirements or needs, whatever you prefer, are more than he wants to deal with. or 2) his sexual interest in you begins to fade, and he sees someone else that interests him more.

neither 1 nor 2 will take a lot of time. so be prepared to hop from one boy to the next, feeling a little more cheated and frustrated with each hop. your best bet is to find someone mature enough (which usually requires some amount of chronological aging), such that he has left the animal state of maledom, and is more interested in a loving relationship, but that he is still young enough that you can spend a lot of years together.

 

[DanP]

dan,

getting back to our previous conversation - yesterday i felt like getting real mad at you.

Yes, I am aware I have this power over others. I wish I did not have it. I am trying my best not to be too abrasive.

but i didnt. and i am glad.

Thanks man.

what my whole point to the op was - to demonstrate what the typical "young male" attitude towards "romantic love" actually is.

i truly don't know if you are aware of your motivations, but they come over loud and clear, to me.

What are my motivations then ? Would you be so kind to enlight me ?

if any idea comes along that gets rid of sex in the relationship, you make rationalizations about it till the cows come home.

Like I said, make up your mind what you want. Friend or boyfriend. Its a simple fact.

like your attitude about previous sexual history. it makes no difference to someone with the young male attitude, because he places no emotion to it. he just wants a hole he can thrust into.

You are deeply wrong. Being sexual does not mean you exclude other components of a intimate relationship. i was very explicit that a full intimate relationship include friendship, commitment and sexual intimacy. All components are equaly important.

And yes, really why should anyone care how many previous partners one had ? What, you can't love a women if she slept with over 30 man till 40 ? If she wants to share the number OK, maybe Ill share it too. But don't ask Dont tell works.

It really makes no difference whatsoever, because now I am with her, not with any of my ex.

or like the attitude of saying that "we do alright". when if you look around yourself, we find people almost always divorcing, and few kids today living with their biological moms and dads. if it got any worse, we would have to flush "romantic love" down the toilet.

Not really. You don't have to flush love down the toilet, but you have to be realistic that not every relationship is made to last forever. For some it does. More power to them. For others it doesn't.

the main goal of "romantic love" for someone with the young male attitude is to have a sex partner. take that away, and the male goes away.

It's not necessarily the main goal into a intimate relationship, but once you take sex away, again , you do not have a full intimate relationship anymore. It shifts into the realm of friendship, empty love, and other such types of close social relationships.

women mostly look for love, companionship, etc. so they end up getting frustrated and bitter.

Ok, what can I say. She can find another man to be her companion and live with him if he will have her with no sex. I am not going to stay with a women just because what she needs. A relation takes two. The needs of both partners are important. .

I may still remain her friend, but Ill find another women to share a relationship with her. But you know, really , women do love to have sex, make love, and adore to let their bodies in the hands of a man if he knows what he is doing and it feels alright to them :P

what i don't get is why women continue to stay stupid about it, and make the same mistakes over and over. it is as obvious as the nose on our faces.

Why ? Look into evolutionary psychology and social psychology. You will get all the answers.

so again i say to the op, if she is still around, don't be looking for young guys. especially if they are good looking. because as dan says, they have options. they will stay with you until one of two things occur. 1) your demands or requirements or needs, whatever you prefer, are more than he wants to deal with. or 2) his sexual interest in you begins to fade, and he sees someone else that interests him more.

Actually, the way a relationship can go is in toward much more scenarios than the ones you enumerate. And that can happen with guys of any age.

neither 1 nor 2 will take a lot of time. so be prepared to hop from one boy to the next, feeling a little more cheated and frustrated with each hop. your best bet is to find someone mature enough (which usually requires some amount of chronological aging), such that he has left the animal state of maledom, and is more interested in a loving relationship, but that he is still young enough that you can spend a lot of years together.

Women are not naive. Most of them can find their way in life just fine without jumping at the first men who wants to nest and have kids and a mortgage on a house in suburbs :P
Women have a lot of power, and they have usually a greater latitude in accepting partners for a relationship than men. They have a lot of options, and they learn fast to make the sensible choices.

 

[Physics-Learner]

dan,

thank you for demonstrating the young male attitude so thoroughly. if i ever make a sarcastic movie on dating, you got the male lead, hands down, no questions asked - LOL.

if the op don't get it by now, she aint ever gonna. peace out.

if you ever want to start a thread about physical fitness, i would participate - as that is something that we probably share an interest in, even though our routines and ideas will probably be different.

btw, i do not consider you to be abrasive. simply your attitude about dating and such is irritating, because i have seen it a gazillion times. i sure am glad i aint a woman having to deal with guys.

i know, women aint perfect, either. but an awful lot of the chips on their shoulders and their attitudes come from men with the young male attitude that they have dealt with in the past.

i have also had the pleasure of knowing men after they have passed the animal stage of maledom, and have become caring and considerate towards women.

good luck to you.

 

[DanP]

dan,


if i ever make a sarcastic movie on dating, you got the male lead, hands down, no questions asked - LOL.

Im really looking forward to it, I never been involved in movies, so I think it would be an awesome experience. And god knows, you may be as good as Woody Allen at directing and you will make both of us famous. I have only one small request: no Lindsey Lohan in the female lead pls.