Collection of Lame Jokes

[Ibix]

Still, the Lock Picking Lawyer often finds that Master Lock products are not of high quality.

I'm amused (well I was amused the first two or three times I saw them) by the regular comments on his videos suggesting that one day he'll get arrested for picking something he shouldn't have and the next video will start "I've been put in the county jail and there are some inexcusable weaknesses in the cell door locks..."

 

[pinball1970]

View attachment 327230

Anyone else think that was going to be a joke about testicles?

 

[BillTre]

 

[WWGD]

I said that to so many Ex girlfriends...

Probably why I have so many ex girlfriends?

No, it's because I answered so many of those questions.

Same with me pointing out in Bruno Mars' video " It will Rain", that morphine is used for physical, not emotional, pain. No wonder I'm writing this comment from my home on Friday night , while all others are out in bats, clubs.

 

[dextercioby]

 

[davenn]

 

[DennisN]

 

[jack action]

Lance is an uncommon name nowadays.

But in medieval times people were named Lance a lot.

 

[jack action]

A boy was born without a body, only a head. When he turned 21, his father took him to the bar for his first beer.

The boy took a sip and suddenly grew a torso. The boy was so excited, he took another sip. Suddenly he grew arms.

He took another sip and he grew legs. He was so overwhelmed with joy that he ran out of the bar and into the street and was hit by a big rig and died.

The moral of the story is: Sometimes it's good to quit while you're a head.

 

[gmax137]

Lance is an uncommon name nowadays.

But in medieval times people were named Lance a lot.

That's not just lame, it's lame squared. No, wait, it's lame factorial!

 

[256bits]

See earlier in this thread.

I gave a Wow, because how can you keep track of where to find previously mentioned?

 

[Ibix]

I gave a Wow, because how can you keep track of where to find previously mentioned?

Search for the word "adder", restricting it to "this thread". I knew I'd told that one at some point... It doesn't work with the images, unfortunately.

 

[Ibix]

View attachment 327478

So scientists always thought the antennae were for sensing smell, but actually they're 5G receivers?

(Incoming conspiracy theory in 5...4...3...)

 

[dextercioby]

 

[phinds]

 

[jack action]

 

[jack action]

 

[jack action]

 

[DrGreg]

Terry Gilliam / Monty Python

The joke is somewhat spoilt by the fact that the title of the clip gives away the punchline.

 

[nsaspook]

 

[davenn]

 

[jtbell]

View attachment 327381

To be fair: it's the other way around when it comes to a purse.

Girls have pockets?

 

[jtbell]

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says "Five beers, please."

 

[Grelbr42]

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says "Five beers, please."

Did he hold his hand palm out or palm in?

https://www.oxfordreference.com/dis...0;jsessionid=26D95F84B39D78036F7796424BBBBCA4

 

[fresh_42]

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says "Five beers, please."

I know this in a version with the men from the sawmill.

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

Did he hold his hand palm out or palm in?

https://www.oxfordreference.com/dis...0;jsessionid=26D95F84B39D78036F7796424BBBBCA4

I just sent my 105 (CV). I hope I get the job!

 

[berkeman]

From my FB feed today:

 

[256bits]

There is time travel.
Or,
Ancient humans were more advanced than anyone thought.
Striking poses too - natural looking.

 

[collinsmark]

Did he hold his hand palm out or palm in?

https://www.oxfordreference.com/dis...0;jsessionid=26D95F84B39D78036F7796424BBBBCA4

I've also noticed that people from the UK region (including Ireland), when using their hand to indicate numbers, will extend their index finger and thumb to indicate "2." (And index finger, thumb, and middle finger to indicate 3.)

This is differs from Americans who use their index and middle finger to indicate 2 (which also indicates the "peace symbol"). This is still OK (in British/Irish company) if the gesturer has their palm facing forward. But to do so with the back of the hand facing forward is definitely a fopaux.

Edit: I've also been lead to believe that the origin of this insulting gesture involves archery:
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/flipping-bird-english-way-flna166021

 

[Ibix]

Edit: I've also been lead to believe that the origin of this insulting gesture involves archery:
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/flipping-bird-english-way-flna166021

I've heard this too, but Wikipedia says it's a myth, and the origins are unknown with the earliest confirmed usage of the knuckles-out V sign as an insult being 1901.

 

[dextercioby]

 

[jtbell]

A 75% chance, in fact...

 

[jack action]

is definitely a fopaux.

Pardon my French, but it's definitely a faux pas to write faux pas as fopaux.

 

[jtbell]

Pardon my French, but it's definitely a faux pas to write faux pas as fopaux.

It deserves a whack from a faux paw.

 

[BillTre]

This seems funny to me.

 

[phinds]

This seems funny to me.

Be pathetic to see this clown in a real fight.

 

[jack action]

 

[jack action]

 

[jack action]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[Swamp Thing]

View attachment 327636

[smartass reply]
Surely that correction was made on a computer, with a mouse. Not, as one is expected to believe, on the displayed notice.
[/smartass reply]

 

[berkeman]

[smartass reply]
Surely that correction was made on a computer, with a mouse. Not, as one is expected to believe, on the displayed notice.
[/smartass reply]

Apparently that's what all the developers saw on their complementary Apple Vision Pro goggles as they were navigating between conference sessions in the Apple WWDC Ring/Spaceship thingy today...

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[dextercioby]

 

[TonyStewart]

View attachment 327356

not so funny, if you are aware of the clinical reasons for this warning.

 

[fresh_42]

Hard to imagine what would be if that sign wasn't there!

 

[renormalize]

Hard to imagine what would be if that sign wasn't there!

View attachment 327675

Bicycle? Scooter? Surfboard?