Creative Writing major completely infatuated with a Physics Grad student

[rewebster]

And if you figure out a way to do that, please let us know.

by finding someone else?

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

Hm, as for the attractiveness logic, I guess I understand where you guys are going with it, but I don't know if it's all that accurate because 1) I think I'm pretty insecure, so I don't quite know how the opposite was conveyed in my original post, 2) Just because you like attractive people, doesn't mean they like you back; so just because he's not my usual 'type' that I go for, doesn't necessarily mean that I'm dating attractive people. Maybe I like cute guys but never end up with any of them bc I'm unattractive? Who knows?

I doubt anyone is really all that secure. If your read most of the threads about people who have crushes and are considering asking the person out though you will find that they almost invariably contain reasons why the poster thinks that the person will or will not be attracted to them which they are fretting over. Your post only seems to place a concern on a practical issue of compatibility.

Of course it is also possible that you are such a good writer that you have fully integrated the writers prohibition against weak assertion into your everyday writing. ;-)

 

[Kajahtava]

I'm pretty sure it's against faculty policy for TAs to date the students currently in their classes.

These kind of rules always puzzled me, is there some testable definition of 'to date'?

I mean, what if you don't make it official and announce it but still kiss, is that allowed?

Or can't they kiss their students?

What if he's just mildly in love with you and pulls favourites regardless of any intimacy there or not?

Thoughtcrime? He cannot have certain feelings?

 

[rewebster]

I knew a couple of teachers in college 'dating' students---and one married a student

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

These kind of rules always puzzled me, is there some testable definition of 'to date'?

I mean, what if you don't make it official and announce it but still kiss, is that allowed?

Or can't they kiss their students?

What if he's just mildly in love with you and pulls favourites regardless of any intimacy there or not?

Thoughtcrime? He cannot have certain feelings?

Policy is generally against "fraternization" which is still vague. It is generally interpreted to mean having any sort of relationship with the student other than a professional one. Still vague. I guess it is supposed to be vague. The purpose, technically, is to reduce the likelihood of conflicts of interest. A person could still give better grades to "cuter" students and poorer grades to "annoying" students but there is not much control over that. It is far easier to control whether or not a person will feel pressured to give different grades based on an existing relationship with the student.

 

[Kajahtava]

Policy is generally against "fraternization" which is still vague. It is generally interpreted to mean having any sort of relationship with the student other than a professional one. Still vague. I guess it is supposed to be vague.

The only rules not vague in universities are the ones you learn in your textbooks eh?

But to be honest, I never got this at all, a lot of these rules seem to assume some well-defined notion of a 'relationship', a thing itself I always found vague, especially 'breakups' or 'trying to win some one over', but surely the reason I don't get this is because I'm too enlightened for your archaic social customs, I reject your view on romance and substitute my own.

The purpose, technically, is to reduce the likelihood of conflicts of interest. A person could still give better grades to "cuter" students and poorer grades to "annoying" students but there is not much control over that. It is far easier to control whether or not a person will feel pressured to give different grades based on an existing relationship with the student.

Quite likely, a lot of rules are not there to be enforced, rather they are there only for a scaring measure or to 'not give passive support to some practice'.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

Quite likely, a lot of rules are not there to be enforced, rather they are there only for a scaring measure or to 'not give passive support to some practice'.

In my job we have a rule against "fraternization". I have directly observed the sort of issues that arise when this is ignored. I had to go and assist one of my coworkers because he allowed a situation to get completely out of hand. Each side of the issue believed that due to their friendship the other would not go against them even though they were at cross purposes. My coworker got upset and started yelling and cussing and further breaching rules of professional propriety.

 

[Kajahtava]

In my job we have a rule against "fraternization". I have directly observed the sort of issues that arise when this is ignored. I had to go and assist one of my coworkers because he allowed a situation to get completely out of hand. Each side of the issue believed that due to their friendship the other would not go against them even though they were at cross purposes. My coworker got upset and started yelling and cussing and further breaching rules of professional propriety.

But how do you prohibit 'fraternization', this means you cannot drink a beer together after work, or what?

Also, you've been prudent to observe the 'Kai' in lieu of 'Kaj' I see, excellent work.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

But how do you prohibit 'fraternization', this means you cannot drink a beer together after work, or what?

It depends on the situation. When I worked as a "Public Safety" officer at a college I could likely have gone to have a beer with a staff coworker even though they were technically under my supervision as far as campus rules and such go. They would have been held to the same standards of professional conduct as I was. The students would not have been though and we were strictly prohibited from any nonprofessional activity with a student in or out of the workplace. Not to say that no one ever got away with it.
The TA/student relationship is a bit different though since they are both students and it would be hard to strictly forbid any and all nonprofessional interaction. I'm not sure exactly how that works out.

Also, you've been prudent to observe the 'Kai' in lieu of 'Kaj' I see, excellent work.

It reminds me of Kai from LEXX. Not sure if you ever watched that show or would really appreciate the comparison.

 

[zoobyshoe]

Hm, as for the attractiveness logic, I guess I understand where you guys are going with it, but I don't know if it's all that accurate because 1) I think I'm pretty insecure, so I don't quite know how the opposite was conveyed in my original post,

You are assessing yourself as "insecure" now because the degree of your security has become a topic. When it wasn't the focus you demonstrated no natural worries about it, which made an unconscious impression on me.

Yet another thing that gave me the automatic impression you're attractive is the list of what might be called 'rules of dress' you gave Turbo. It's my experience that women who make and observe such guidelines do so because they have something worth packaging well. The converse is also true: that which is packaged well is automatically more attractive.

Of course, "attractive" is a pretty ambiguous word. Asserting you're attractive based on clues in what you've written is no more specific than asserting I'm sure you're not "unattractive". It's calling heads or tails. I'm mostly intrigued by the unconscious train of thought that made me so sure it was one and not the other. The logic is good, but nothing's 100% airtight. There are anomolies.

 

[BobG]

It depends on the situation. When I worked as a "Public Safety" officer at a college I could likely have gone to have a beer with a staff coworker even though they were technically under my supervision as far as campus rules and such go. They would have been held to the same standards of professional conduct as I was. The students would not have been though and we were strictly prohibited from any nonprofessional activity with a student in or out of the workplace. Not to say that no one ever got away with it.

What would have happened if one of the Public Safety Officers decided to enroll as a part time student at the college?

The Air Force used to have the same problem enforcing fraternization policies. Officers and enlisted shouldn't be getting involved in romantic relationships, yet enlisted that completed their college degree could become officers. Being married to another enlisted member didn't disqualify a person from converting from enlisted to officer, even though that would automatically create a fraternization situation.

None the less, it was preferred that one of the couple get out of the service (usually the enlisted member, since it would be silly to convert from enlisted to officer, only to get out). Still, neither were ever forced out, especially if the enlisted member already had over 10 years and wanted to stay in at least long enough to get their retirement. The Air Force just dealt with it by making sure they were never assigned in the same unit.

 

[Huckleberry]

Ah, I see where you were going with that. Hmmmmmm. But I don't know if I'd really follow that myself - I could be narcissistic or blatantly delusional or something.

:]

I dunno, I consider myself reasonably attractive, but I mainly just get told that by my friends who like to say supportive things like "Dang girl, looking hot!", "Ow ow cutie!", etc etc. I do get told I'm attractive by boys...drunken boys...drunken frat boys looking to hook up...so I feel like everybody who I've received input from is either super biased or otherwise ulterior-ly motivated.

Also, I think I have good days, and I think I have bad days. And sometimes I wear my hair in a ponytail, and sometimes it's down, and sometimes I put my contacts in, or sometimes I'm lazy and wear glasses, and sometimes I dress up to go out, and sometimes I'm in the library without any kind of makeup. So it honestly just depends.

This video is about you, isn't it?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lmDTSQtK20c
You care about your appearance, but you are neither narcissistic nor delusional, and what you think of as insecurity is genuine modesty. Even the way you deflect compliments as either biased or surreptitious tells me you are accustomed to hearing them.

Appearance and personality aren't completely seperate. I don't doubt that you are reasonably attractive, but it is your personality that has people here speculating about it. Some people have a way about them that draws others at a glance. Good luck with your guy.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IkVWyfkhpl0

 

[zoobyshoe]

Hm, yes Huck, there's something about the way she writes...

Something

Something in the way she writes,
Attracts me like no other lover.
Something in the way she narrates.
I don't want to leave her now,
She's a page turner and how.

Somewhere in her verbs she knows,
That I don't need no other lover.
Something in her prose that shows me.
I don't want to leave her now,
She's a page turner and how.

Something in the way she types,
And all I have to do is think of her.
Something in the things she pens me.
I don't want to leave her now.
She's a page turner and how.

Zooby-McCartney

 

[lisab]

Hm, yes Huck, there's something about the way she writes...

Something

Something in the way she writes,
Attracts me like no other lover.
Something in the way she narrates.
I don't want to leave her now,
She's a page turner and how.

Somewhere in her verbs she knows,
That I don't need no other lover.
Something in her prose that shows me.
I don't want to leave her now,
She's a page turner and how.

Something in the way she types,
And all I have to do is think of her.
Something in the things she pens me.
I don't want to leave her now.
She's a page turner and how.

Zooby-McCartney

Fantastic, Zooby .

 

[zoobyshoe]

Fantastic, Zooby .

Thanks!

 

[fictionftw]

So...hmmm.

Okay, it's really difficult to go back and forth about attractiveness and personal insecurities over the interwebs, mainly because you haven't met me in real life and so the opinions that you form are based on sections of my writing, that well, I don't believe give you the whole picture. But, as drawing conclusions based on textual analysis is what I study how to do on a daily basis, then needless to say, I'm quite amused by all of this and similarly intrigued as to how you came about your views. But to clarify:

To quote a French saying I heard years ago, "If you are ugly before you're 14, that's God's fault. If you're ugly after, it's yours." I think that everybody can make themselves reasonable and presentable by knowing how to (someone said) 'package' themselves, and I will say, that when I'm looking my best, and I've gotten enough sleep, and I'm happy and laughing, and ready to have fun - then I am cute.

Now, cute can mean any number of things. And some guys do that whole scale business (1-10) and cute is probably 5+ to 7; you are above average, but not Megan Fox 10. Cute is also influenced by how well you know a person and like that person. For example, I don't think the TA is all that physically attractive. He's not unattractive, but I was talking to one of my good friends who took the class last year, and I blurted out, "...I HAVE A CONFESSION."
Her: Have you started to like that Justin Bieber song I gave you?
Me: What? No it's worse...do you remember Physics with Prof [blank]?
Her: (shudder)
Me: Do you remember the TA for it?
Her: Umm...oh wait, yeah, [blank]?
Me: Yeah him. (trying to gauge her opinion before relating the real news) So I sat there in class yesterday and tried to figure out if he's cute or not.
Her: Ummm...I could see it, but not what I would go for. Why?
Me: I...thinkhe'sreallycute and I'm kinda slightlyintohim.
Her: (in between unrestrained laughter) Why?!
Me: I DON'T KNOW.

For some inexplicable reason, I think he's adorable. For that same reason, when my friends tell me they think I look cute, it could very well be because they like me as a person.

Anyway, that was a long tangent, and not really my point. I don't think I brought up how attractive I may or may not be, because I didn't think that was my biggest issue. It’s interesting how some have assumed that I am a secure person, but I can assure you that’s far from the case, and that’s not out of false modesty.

It occurs to me to ‘show, not tell’. For example.

Snapshot of Brain, in class, Dialogue to self: You are such a creepster. He's years older than you. Would this even work at all? Are you trying way too hard? Should you just forget about this whole thing? Do you like him just because he's into physics? You did kiss that one mechanical engineer at that party last week. And don’t forget the aerospace engineer I met, and stalked on Facebook for two weeks after. Is that a pattern? Omigod I’m such a stalker. Is it because dad’s an engineer? Do I have daddy issues?! Am I a complete loser? Does this guy even notice you? Oh, he just pushed his glasses up, that’s so cute. Granted, you go to his Office hours, but then he’s forced to talk to you. He’s being paid to be accessible to students. Oh my God, you are forcing it. There’s no way he’d like you. This is just one of those stupid crush things you always get yourself in to. And do you recall how those always turn out?? Shut up. Guys are so stressful. You need to just relax, if it happens, it happens. Although that way of thinking has kept you single for 2 years now…Shut up. Well, just try and relax. Take a deep breath. Okay, one more. Good? Nope, I’m still nervous. I’m going to end up childless and alone, aren’t I? Probably, with lots of cats. Oh wait, no, you’re allergic to cats. Remember: you don’t need a guy to make you happy. Did you get that crap out of Cosmo? Possibly. Just make your life a lot easier and don’t think about him. It will be summer soon, and you can go to the pool, and drink margaritas, and not do something really stupid like ask your TA out. Sigh. But I want him. And you wanted a pony when you were 6, but you didn’t get that either. So stop thinking, and go back to taking notes.

Of course, after that small descent into insanity, I try and chat to my TA after class and end up stammering and losing my train of thought and acting like a nervous, stupid wreck. On a daily basis.

Anyway, I do have an IMMENSE amount of emotional/personal insecurity, and I am sure we would not like to sit here and explore the complexity of my inner psych. I just thought it was kind of funny how it was generally agreed that I’m a secure person; maybe I’m secure about my looks, but as you can see, there are plenty of other insecurities that I do have, which are in my opinion, much worse.

But this makes me think about why I even posted on here in the first place, and it was basically because I needed to vent, and because I wanted some other, outside input. I couldn’t be like, “Omigod you guys, so do you think I’m pretty enough for him??” Without pictures, you guys can’t really comment on that.

Anyway…

I am actually starting to really doubt this whole thing. It’s so difficult gauging his reaction to me. Sometimes we talk, and he looks physically uncomfortable, and gets quiet. What if I’m just annoying?? I ramble a lot! He is forced to talk to me because he is obligated to answer questions about the class, but what if he doesn’t actually want to be talking to me?? Sometimes our conversations go well, but like last week, there were noticeably awkward pauses in the conversation, until I fumbled around and fished out a new topic. What if we’ve run out of things to talk about?? What if his silence is just him politely trying to convey that he really doesn’t want to be talking to me? He’s busy, he has so many other things to do with this time. He doesn’t need me pestering him with questions and random talks. I feel like such a creepster for pushing this. I feel like I should take a hint and give this a rest. Like, honestly, what was I even thinking?

Btw, I LOVE FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS. 'Business Time' is epic. "Girl, tonight we're going to make love. You know how I know? It's Wednesday." I could quote that entire thing.

Also, the rewritten lyrics are fantastic. :D That would be amazing, to be romantically appreciated for my writing. :]

 

[cristo]

I ramble a lot!

Really? I hadn't noticed!

Anyway, my advice is that you need to chill out a bit and get out of your head. Ok, so you're a girl, so that's probably impossible, but think about it this way. You can't possibly have a relationship with this guy while he's your TA: if you do, you're either going to be kicked out of the class, or he's going to be fired (most likely the latter). Just focus on your studies when you're in his class, try to be polite, have a conversation with him when the chance presents itself, and then ask him out at the end of the year. After all, it's nearly summer now anyway, isn't it?

 

[fictionftw]

Anyway, my advice is that you need to chill out a bit and get out of your head. Ok, so you're a girl, so that's probably impossible...

Haha. Yeah, that's certainly a problem I encounter on a frequent basis. Like, I know that's what I should do, but actually doing it is another matter. How do you tell yourself not to think about something? I wish I could take a literal 'chill pill'. That would make things easy. :]

As for the rambling thing, I don't even know what happens. I'm not talkative in real life, but if you give me a pen and paper (or the internet) then off I go...

 

[Borek]

I don't know about chill pill, but if you take a long, cold shower, it should work.

 

[zoobyshoe]

Worries, worries, worries!

I feel another song is in order:

[This day and age we're living in
Gives cause for apprehension
With speed and new invention
And things like fourth dimension.

Yet we get a trifle weary
With Mr. Einstein's theory.
So we must get down to Earth at times
Relax relieve the tension

And no matter what the progress
Or what may yet be proved
The simple facts of life are such
They cannot be removed.]

You must remember this
A kiss is just a kiss, a sigh is just a sigh.
The fundamental things apply
As time goes by.

And when two lovers woo
They still say, "I love you."
On that you can rely
No matter what the future brings
As time goes by.

Moonlight and love songs
Never out of date.
Hearts full of passion
Jealousy and hate.
Woman needs man
And man must have his mate
That no one can deny.

It's still the same old story
A fight for love and glory
A case of do or die.
The world will always welcome lovers
As time goes by.

Oh yes, the world will always welcome lovers
As time goes by.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

I am actually starting to really doubt this whole thing. It’s so difficult gauging his reaction to me.

Consider your former ramblings and compare/contrast with your later description of his demeanor in your presence. ;-)

I do not know this guy so I can not say for sure what is going on in his head. I know that I personally probably look nearly in physical discomfort when I am talking with a woman whom I find incredibly attractive but for what ever reason feel that I can not do anything about it. When I am not paying attention I have even gotten to the point of wringing my hands or digging my nails into my arms (probably sounds pretty bad but since you decided to lay it plain...). I also often have trouble trying to figure out what to talk about. For instance I have a female friend whom I am very attracted to and we get along famously always with something to talk about. In those instances where she has been single though, and seemingly possibly interested in me, I get to points in our conversations where I go absolutely blank. It suddenly seems as though the only options are to tell her that I really would love to date her or just grab her and kiss her and after some mild conversation about a novel we had read its horribly nonsequiter. So I sit there trying to get fantasies about her lips, and rehearsals of how I'll tell her I want her, out my head so I can get the conversation rolling again; an often sisyphean task.

Point being, he may well be experiencing the same propriety induced paralysis that you are. So don't worry and ask him out so we can all read about it k? :-)

 

[Huckleberry]

I am actually starting to really doubt this whole thing. It’s so difficult gauging his reaction to me. Sometimes we talk, and he looks physically uncomfortable, and gets quiet. What if I’m just annoying?? I ramble a lot! He is forced to talk to me because he is obligated to answer questions about the class, but what if he doesn’t actually want to be talking to me?? Sometimes our conversations go well, but like last week, there were noticeably awkward pauses in the conversation, until I fumbled around and fished out a new topic. What if we’ve run out of things to talk about?? What if his silence is just him politely trying to convey that he really doesn’t want to be talking to me? He’s busy, he has so many other things to do with this time. He doesn’t need me pestering him with questions and random talks. I feel like such a creepster for pushing this. I feel like I should take a hint and give this a rest. Like, honestly, what was I even thinking?

You're not crazy. You're infatuated. That's kind of the same thing, but it's normal. It seems your insecurity is centered around your infatuation. If you acted like that around everyone then you would really be insecure. Typically that kind of insecurity results in destructive behaviours like narcissism. Going to the library without your make-up on wouldn't be an option. Those frat boy cat-calls would be given validity for use as ego props. You probably wouldn't even like the guy you are interested in now because of the way other people would judge you with him. When it comes to infatuation everyone is insecure, but you are not more insecure than any normal person. Nice try though.

Sometimes we talk, and he looks physically uncomfortable, and gets quiet.

You give a pessemistic interpretation of this reaction. He may be uncomfortable because he likes you and is dealing with his own emotions. Then he goes home and listens to the same song on single play/repeat about 50 times thinking how foolish and creepy he is to even consider the possibility that you might be interested in him as anything more than a TA. That beautiful, sweet, young woman from school probably acts that way around everyone.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fadtvZCh4ys
People are their own worst critics. Anticipate the moment without substituting expectations for reality. Maybe he is interested and maybe he isn't. If you aren't patient and let it play out; if you make the decision for him without giving him the opportunity to decide for himself, then you will never know what might have been. Try to relax and enjoy the experience for what it is.

 

[rewebster]

Haha. Yeah, that's certainly a problem I encounter on a frequent basis. Like, I know that's what I should do, but actually doing it is another matter. How do you tell yourself not to think about something? I wish I could take a literal 'chill pill'. That would make things easy. :]

As for the rambling thing, I don't even know what happens. I'm not talkative in real life, but if you give me a pen and paper (or the internet) then off I go...

well, you're doing one thing about all of this...


writing--


-if nothing else, the situation that you feel yourself in is often the fodder for creative writing...

I'd say go for the writing (feeling/attitude/indecision/hope/despair/etc.) aspect of it...

(is that what you're presently doing?)

 

[zoobyshoe]

well, you're doing one thing about all of this...


writing--


-if nothing else, the situation that you feel yourself in is often the fodder for creative writing...

I'd say go for the writing (feeling/attitude/indecision/hope/despair/etc.) aspect of it...

(is that what you're presently doing?)

"fictionftw" is actually a 35 year old man practicing how to convincingly write the character of a college girl.

 

[Huckleberry]

"fictionftw" is actually a 35 year old man practicing how to convincingly write the character of a college girl.

Zooby, you promised not to tell anyone!

 

[fictionftw]

I do not know this guy so I can not say for sure what is going on in his head. I know that I personally probably look nearly in physical discomfort when I am talking with a woman whom I find incredibly attractive but for what ever reason feel that I can not do anything about it. When I am not paying attention I have even gotten to the point of wringing my hands or digging my nails into my arms (probably sounds pretty bad but since you decided to lay it plain...). I also often have trouble trying to figure out what to talk about. For instance I have a female friend whom I am very attracted to and we get along famously always with something to talk about. In those instances where she has been single though, and seemingly possibly interested in me, I get to points in our conversations where I go absolutely blank. It suddenly seems as though the only options are to tell her that I really would love to date her or just grab her and kiss her and after some mild conversation about a novel we had read its horribly nonsequiter. So I sit there trying to get fantasies about her lips, and rehearsals of how I'll tell her I want her, out my head so I can get the conversation rolling again; an often sisyphean task.

Aw, *hug*. I'm sorry, that sounds awful. But yeah, I can definitely relate about not being able to concentrate when the other person is talking...it's horrible. I just wanted to let you know that this post made me feel a lot better about being socially paralyzed around this guy. :] Maybe I'm not so crazy after all haha. So what about this girl? Are you still into her? The whole 'we're friends' thing often gets a bad rap, but think about the Taylor Swift (T SWIZZLE!) You Belong With Me song about best friends. :]

 

[fictionftw]

You're not crazy. You're infatuated. That's kind of the same thing, but it's normal. It seems your insecurity is centered around your infatuation. If you acted like that around everyone then you would really be insecure.

Mm true, although I do sometimes act like that around other people, I do have to concede that it's to a much lesser extent.

People are their own worst critics. Anticipate the moment without substituting expectations for reality. Maybe he is interested and maybe he isn't. If you aren't patient and let it play out; if you make the decision for him without giving him the opportunity to decide for himself, then you will never know what might have been. Try to relax and enjoy the experience for what it is.

Thanks! That's def good advice. I'll try and calm myself down and not worry about it. :] That would probably be the best. Actually, I have a ton of work coming up, so maybe I'll throw myself into that, and try and not worry about this guy outside of classes. After all, I have a PHYSICS FINAL (slight panic) to study for! To pass the midterm took an intense amount of exasperated tutoring from my friends, who I need to start badgering again.

 

[fictionftw]

well, you're doing one thing about all of this...


writing--


-if nothing else, the situation that you feel yourself in is often the fodder for creative writing...

I'd say go for the writing (feeling/attitude/indecision/hope/despair/etc.) aspect of it...

(is that what you're presently doing?)

Ahhh. Well, yes. Most of the recent stories that I've written tend to end cynically...let's hope I can finally write one that ends happily ever after? But you are right about the creative fodder aspect - some of my best work has been when I have been in the depths of despair, etc. There is a reason why so many good writers have been depressed alcoholics! ;] I'm not nearly as dramatic when I'm happy; things just sound better when I have something to be upset about.

So if this ends well then: YAY CUTEBOYFRIENDMAN FINALLY.
But if this ends badly: Great, emo writing.

It's a win-win situation.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

Aw, *hug*. I'm sorry, that sounds awful. But yeah, I can definitely relate about not being able to concentrate when the other person is talking...it's horrible. I just wanted to let you know that this post made me feel a lot better about being socially paralyzed around this guy. :] Maybe I'm not so crazy after all haha. So what about this girl? Are you still into her? The whole 'we're friends' thing often gets a bad rap, but think about the Taylor Swift (T SWIZZLE!) You Belong With Me song about best friends. :]

I am glad you feel better, and thank you. :-)

The situation with my female friend is sort of a long story. I think that she is an amazing woman and that is why I am friends with her. There are several reasons why I do not think her and I should date which are too much to get into but, trust me, they are good reasons. Of course being that she is such an amazing woman when we are both single I often wonder "What the hell? Why shouldn't I?" and I have to remind myself just how horribly disastrous the relationship would likely be.
Right now she is dating another friend of mine. He is an amazing guy and they seem well suited for one another so I am happy for them both.

 

[fictionftw]

The situation with my female friend is sort of a long story. I think that she is an amazing woman and that is why I am friends with her. There are several reasons why I do not think her and I should date which are too much to get into but, trust me, they are good reasons. Of course being that she is such an amazing woman when we are both single I often wonder "What the hell? Why shouldn't I?" and I have to remind myself just how horribly disastrous the relationship would likely be.
Right now she is dating another friend of mine. He is an amazing guy and they seem well suited for one another so I am happy for them both.

Ah - differences in personality? Horoscope compatibility? Jk. :] Actually, yeah I found myself in a very similar situation at the beginning of the school year... I started liking a good friend of mine, but I knew it wouldn't work out because he's VERY religious, and I'm, well, not. It was really difficult to resist, but then I just sort of had to force myself to snap out of it - and now we're back to being just friends. We're cool now, but the amount of restrained sexual tension at one point was ridiculous. I feel ya. :[

Well, it's great that you're happy for them. I'm usually really bad at swallowing down jealousy, so good for you! Just remember: women are real pains to deal with. Just think how lucky you are not having to deal with all the fluctuating hormones and irrational temperament that comes along with having a girlfriend!

 

[Galteeth]

You're a creative writing major right? Why don't you write a story involving some student seducing a physics TA, send it to him, then act totally non-chalant about it, like maybe you didn't even write it, but if you did, so what, etc.

 

[fictionftw]

Hey all, thanks for everybody who gave support/advice!

I just wanted to keep you updated: I asked him out to coffee, but he declined saying he already has a girlfriend.

I'm bummed, especially as I really didn't see it coming. Usually guys who are dating other people bring up their gfs in conversation, especially guys who see that you're flirting. Like, "Oh, yeah my gf likes that movie too"; or "Oh, I like ice skating...so does my girlfriend"; or, "I'm into physics...but my gf isn't." It's a nice warning, generally, and it kinda sucks he didn't try and bring her up before. We definitely talked enough that it should have come up. It makes me feel like an idiot knowing I was flirting really over-the-top and he didn't think he should stop me. Sigh. Boys.

Anyway, it's nice knowing finally that I can move on. Good luck with all of your relationships! Have fantastic summers! :]

 

[lisab]

Hey all, thanks for everybody who gave support/advice!

I just wanted to keep you updated: I asked him out to coffee, but he declined saying he already has a girlfriend.

I'm bummed, especially as I really didn't see it coming. Usually guys who are dating other people bring up their gfs in conversation, especially guys who see that you're flirting. Like, "Oh, yeah my gf likes that movie too"; or "Oh, I like ice skating...so does my girlfriend"; or, "I'm into physics...but my gf isn't." It's a nice warning, generally, and it kinda sucks he didn't try and bring her up before. We definitely talked enough that it should have come up. It makes me feel like an idiot knowing I was flirting really over-the-top and he didn't think he should stop me. Sigh. Boys.

Anyway, it's nice knowing finally that I can move on. Good luck with all of your relationships! Have fantastic summers! :]

Ah dang! You shouldn't feel at all like an idiot - it was his responsibility to slide in the gf reference somewhere along the line. Perhaps he liked the attention you gave him and figured he could have it both ways.

Sorry it didn't work out .

 

[anubis01]

Hey all, thanks for everybody who gave support/advice!

I just wanted to keep you updated: I asked him out to coffee, but he declined saying he already has a girlfriend.

I'm bummed, especially as I really didn't see it coming. Usually guys who are dating other people bring up their gfs in conversation, especially guys who see that you're flirting. Like, "Oh, yeah my gf likes that movie too"; or "Oh, I like ice skating...so does my girlfriend"; or, "I'm into physics...but my gf isn't." It's a nice warning, generally, and it kinda sucks he didn't try and bring her up before. We definitely talked enough that it should have come up. It makes me feel like an idiot knowing I was flirting really over-the-top and he didn't think he should stop me. Sigh. Boys.

Anyway, it's nice knowing finally that I can move on. Good luck with all of your relationships! Have fantastic summers! :]

Well the important thing is that you tried, now at least you can move on to someone else.

 

[magpies]

I say don't give up you can still get his girlfriend to dump him!

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

Awww.. sorry Fic. Boys usually aren't as into the subtle communication as ladies. It perhaps did not cross his mind to make some subtle reference.

 

[Huckleberry]

Hey all, thanks for everybody who gave support/advice!

I just wanted to keep you updated: I asked him out to coffee, but he declined saying he already has a girlfriend.

I'm bummed, especially as I really didn't see it coming. Usually guys who are dating other people bring up their gfs in conversation, especially guys who see that you're flirting. Like, "Oh, yeah my gf likes that movie too"; or "Oh, I like ice skating...so does my girlfriend"; or, "I'm into physics...but my gf isn't." It's a nice warning, generally, and it kinda sucks he didn't try and bring her up before. We definitely talked enough that it should have come up. It makes me feel like an idiot knowing I was flirting really over-the-top and he didn't think he should stop me. Sigh. Boys.

Anyway, it's nice knowing finally that I can move on. Good luck with all of your relationships! Have fantastic summers! :]

Do guys give the girlfriend warning in casual conversation? I don't know many guys who talk about their girlfriends often as an aside in casual conversation. The few who do never shut up about them, every topic returning to the subject of their relationships. It's super annoying.

If someone is flirtatious and I'm not interested then I ignore the behaviour. Doing otherwise can create awkward situations that you may not find yourself in due to gender differences. Women who are interested in a guy sometimes get touchy, meaning they like to make physical contact in an innocuous way. Maybe they are fulfilling some internal fantasy, or hoping to gain an interested response from the man. Either way, it's not an unusual behaviour. The same touches made by a man on a woman are likely to get him in trouble.

It's safer for a man who is not interested to wait until a woman declares her intentions, rather than being presumptuous. Being flirty doesn't always indicate interest, and bringing up a girlfriend in conversation will be unwelcome because she doesn't have his interest, or because she thinks he thinks she is interested. Then she modifies her behaviour, sometimes by avoiding him completely, whether she was originally interested or not. Either way, men lo(o)se the subtlety game every time. That's what happens when both genders don't say exactly what they mean.

 

[Borek]

That's what happens when both genders don't say exactly what they mean.

See the lying thread

 

[Huckleberry]

I already voted in that thread. I said I'm a woman, and I never lie.

 

[uplink]

You should make the 1st move and let the guy know you want to go on a date. Typical guys at advanced levels in physics/math/etc. are usually not aggressive going after chicks. They want to determine beyond a doubt the girl likes them before making a move, so you just let him know and that will settle it. Either he goes on a date with you or he doesn't.

 

[Borek]

You should make the 1st move and let the guy know you want to go on a date. Typical guys at advanced levels in physics/math/etc. are usually not aggressive going after chicks. They want to determine beyond a doubt the girl likes them before making a move, so you just let him know and that will settle it. Either he goes on a date with you or he doesn't.

Ah, the joys of answering an old thread without reading it.

 

[GeorginaS]

Do guys give the girlfriend warning in casual conversation? I don't know many guys who talk about their girlfriends often as an aside in casual conversation. The few who do never shut up about them, every topic returning to the subject of their relationships. It's super annoying.

Um, yeah! Isn't that the internationally recognised signal from guys when they notice a woman is interested in them and/or they're interested in said woman? They mention something to do with "wife" or "girlfriend" pretty quickly to let everyone know where everything is. It's only fair. "Well, my wife's dragging me out to go shopping for new blinds for our daughter's room" let's a woman know exactly what's what without having to step out and make themselves vulnerable.

I rather get a bit of a kick out it when it's evident that a fellow thinks I'm interesting, and they consequently mention a wife/girlfriend several times in quick succession. I don't have to do or be doing a thing. It's almost as if they're reminding themselves. Which is cute. But, if I was even considering asking if they'd like to go for coffee or something, I'm already forewarned what the situation is. Which I appreciate.

 

[Office_Shredder]

So would saying something like "I was planning on going out to dinner on Saturday, but remembered I don't have a girlfriend" be an acceptable alternative for us single men? Or would it have to be something more like "I'm going to be eating dinner alone on Saturday, what are you doing?"

 

[GeorginaS]

So would saying something like "I was planning on going out to dinner on Saturday, but remembered I don't have a girlfriend" be an acceptable alternative for us single men? Or would it have to be something more like "I'm going to be eating dinner alone on Saturday, what are you doing?"

I'm going to assume this was a serious question, even though amusingly stated. (That'd be kind of novel, actually. "I'm eating dinner alone and etc.")

What I mean is, I was under the impression that people telegraph their relationship situation (unless they're a player) in casual conversation if they think there's any personal interaction potential. So, if you're single and are pretty sure a woman you've met is single, and you'd like to create an opening for either/both of you to step into without stepping in other stuff, you'd casually drop into the conversation that you and your girlfriend broke up four months ago.

Not jump into a whole song and dance about what a b***h she was and all of the awful/crazy/stupid stuff she did that drove you insane. Just a passing mention about your current relationship status.

And if you are in a relationship and meet a nice young lady who seems to be interested in you (and even if you're wrong about the signals, it still doesn't hurt to do) you mention something about your girlfriend or wife, again casually, in conversation. That way the woman in question doesn't have to guess or screw up her courage and take a flyer by inviting you out for coffee only to hear, "Oh, thanks, but I have a girlfriend". Alrighty then. Then it's awkward and there was no reason to let her go out on a limb like that. Just a simple, "Yeah, my girlfriend and I saw that movie last weekend. It was great!" Information dropped, situation under control.

This should also happen in the reverse, meaning women should offer than information to men too. Like I said, it's only polite.

 

[Topher925]

I don't believe a single word of this thread...its all lies.

 

[Galteeth]

I don't believe a single word of this thread...its all lies.

I want that on a bumper sticker.

 

[fictionftw]

For the sake of my emotional health, I probably shouldn't be on this thread again, but three cheers for self-destructive behaviors!

bringing up a girlfriend in conversation will be unwelcome because she doesn't have his interest, or because she thinks he thinks she is interested.

However disappointing it would have been to find out that he had a GF early on, I can guarantee that finding out after I asked him out was a ZILLION times worse. Because then I was disappointed, and humiliated. And because it had gone on for so long, I was considerably more than disappointed, actually.

Yeah, GeorginaS, explained the 'Why You Should Drop the Girlfriend Hint' very well. I'm actually a little surprised there was some contention over it. If you are currently in a relationship, and you meet somebody who is flirting with you, it is a common courtesy to mention your relationship status. You don't have to ramble. You don't have to make it awkward. You just drop the hint. It takes about 2 seconds, and saves about 2 months of pining.

Alternatively, you could just make a Facebook profile that publicly displays your relationship status. That takes care of it too.

So would saying something like "I was planning on going out to dinner on Saturday, but remembered I don't have a girlfriend" be an acceptable alternative for us single men?

Ahahaha! That would be funny. But no, you would just keep on flirting. Or keep on allowing the girl to flirt. You're basically single until discovered taken, I guess.

And thanks for all the supportive comments! :]

Btw, Topher, what don't you believe?? :/