Dealing with Unrequited Love: How to Cope and Stay Sane

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When faced with unrequited love, individuals often grapple with feelings of sadness and frustration. The discussion highlights various coping strategies, such as shifting focus from the person who doesn't reciprocate feelings to their social circle, which can sometimes lead to unexpected romantic interest. Participants emphasize the importance of self-worth and moving on, suggesting that investing too heavily in one person can lead to emotional turmoil. The conversation also touches on the complexity of love, including the distinction between genuine affection and infatuation, and the challenges of maintaining friendships with ex-lovers. Ultimately, the consensus leans towards accepting the situation, recognizing that love cannot be forced, and finding ways to prioritize personal happiness and emotional health.
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If you love someone, and they don't love you back, what can you do? i mean, aside from hope they change their mind. how do you just deal with it? what if you want to continue to love them? how do you stay sane?
 
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In that movie Swingers, Vince Vaughn says there isn't anything you can do to bring them back, you can only do things to push them away. When dealing directly with the person you like, this is very true. Aside from that, you can be friendly towards the people around the person you like, such as his/her friends, and hope that person takes an interest in you.

I was in a similar boat where I like a girl but she didn't like me back. I stopped chasing that girl and went towards her friends. I became very close to one of her friends, and eventually that girl I had a crush on really took an interest in me. Interestingly enough, I lost all interest in that girl, so she was chasing me. Funny how that works, eh?
 
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Gale said:
If you love someone, and they don't love you back, what can you do? i mean, aside from hope they change their mind. how do you just deal with it? what if you want to continue to love them? how do you stay sane?

meh been there too many times, forget it. its not worth it.

There are however pleeeeeeeeeeeenty of fish in the sea. I mean think about it - if they don't love you, then either:

1. they don't really know you and what they are missing out on
2. they want you to get hooked and playing games with you, but think about it: who is the biggest player above all? certainly not them.
3. they want to be friends, in which case friends is still a good place to get #1 fixed - a marriage is not possible without your partner being your friend as well as a lover. So a friend could be many things, not necessarily at once, but gradually you can go from friends to being lovers.
4. if they play to get laid is not the same thing as playing for keeps, so make that dinstinction clear - who are you in their eyes? are you an object of affection and lust or just an object of lust? you could probably add more words and parameters here and set up your at least 3 out of 4 is my criteria kind of things here, but you get the gist of it.
5. about the fish in the sea - its like enzymes, man, sometimes their personality just fits your substrate perfectly, and you 'click' - sometimes you have one thing out of place and wham-o its boring again. so choose carefully and don't be like ohh nooooooo he doesn't looveee meeee :cry: - who cares, one noob down, few thousand to go :approve:
 
cronxeh said:
2. they want you to get hooked and playing games with you, but think about it: who is the biggest player above all? certainly not them.
But mind games are part of the fun. It's a battle of intelligence and scheming between two people. Who doesn't love scheming? I love schemes.
 
Gale said:
If you love someone, and they don't love you back, what can you do? i mean, aside from hope they change their mind. how do you just deal with it? what if you want to continue to love them? how do you stay sane?
You could kidnap them and brainwash them into loving you back? No-one ever appreciates my proven ideas. :cry:

I don't think I've ever been driven insane by unrequited love. I think that's a personality feature. If I want to be with someone, I just take every opportunity to demonstrate just how damn cool I really pretend to be. But I'd be a realist about it. If you're Quasimodo to someone's Desdemona, all the best mind-blowing campinology feats in the world aren't going to get you over that hump. But I can't see the problem with having crushes and staying sane. You just have to be philosophical about it. Monica Belluci still hasn't returned my calls, so I'm just going to park outside her window and get on with my life.

She's having beef stew tonight.
 
ShawnD said:
But mind games are part of the fun. It's a battle of intelligence and scheming between two people. Who doesn't love scheming? I love schemes.

There are 3 different types of people, I think

1. intellectuals - into being friends, connecting mentally
2. sensuals - into touching, hugging, sex
3. feelings - strong emotions, public displays of affection, strong family bonds

I don't want to quantify people per se, but based on my experience I could attest that I've seen each type and I know they are very distinct from each other, and have different but similar values within same type. Now mind games does take intelligence, but it doesn't mean you will impress a sensual with mind games - they don't care if you are an Einstein, if you can't connect with them intimately then you are worthless in their eyes as a lover
 
I have never known anyone who could make someone love them, when the seed of love was not there already. It seems like you would only become more hurt by it all.
 
Gale said:
If you love someone, and they don't love you back, what can you do? i mean, aside from hope they change their mind. how do you just deal with it? what if you want to continue to love them? how do you stay sane?
Perhaps there isn't one unilateral answer (or question!)

Some details of the circumstances might elicit more constructive answers.

Does this person know how you feel?
Is this person available to love you back?
Is this a person who has loved you and now doesn't?
Is it possible that the two of you have two different ideas of what loving might mean?
Are you sure it's love (as opposed to, say, infatuation)?
 
Gale said:
If you love someone, and they don't love you back, what can you do? i mean, aside from hope they change their mind. how do you just deal with it? what if you want to continue to love them? how do you stay sane?
Gale, on behalf of pf, I will personally drive to Arizona and kill whozum for doing this to you! :smile:
 
  • #10
And if you need me to ride shotgun Matt, all you got to do is say the word.
 
  • #11
hypatia said:
And if you need me to ride shotgun Matt, all you got to do is say the word.

mattmns said:
Gale, on behalf of pf, I will personally drive to Arizona and kill whozum for doing this to you! :smile:


Yeah guys I need a vacation, so if you riding sometime on like a Friday night make sure you pick me up.. I also want to pick up some cacti for my collection :rolleyes:
 
  • #12
ya, vince vaghn is quite the philosopher...but even if I'm not trying to win them. if i know they're happier not caring for me like that, then i want to be ok with it. i just want to feel better about it all. how can you feel good about it when you feel so emotionally destroyed? how do you live out each day, without crying and wishing for more?
 
  • #13
I don't believe anyone has the answers for that. There are some people who seem to shrug it off better then others. Are they tuffer? Maybe, maybe not. Perhaps they just hide it better.
You know its ok to feel sad and upset if the things you invisioned might not come true.
The man in my life right now, I met on line. Right befor we met in person, we had to agree that if it didnt feel right, it would go no farther then friendship. I mean, meeting someone in person is hard enough, let alone to put the pressures of love into the mix. But it did upset me to think, he may not feel for me like do for him. I was so scared I thought I was going to throw-up. I came close to backing out several times too.
After it was all said and done, he told me, he was so scared that I wouldn't like him. So go meet with the expectations of meeting a new friend, and if more comes of it, then so be it. Just have fun.
 
  • #14
mattmns said:
Gale, on behalf of pf, I will personally drive to Arizona and kill whozum for doing this to you! :smile:
*throws Matt the keys to the PF sisterhood supersonic RV*

Here you go. Just filled up the gas tank. :smile:
 
  • #15
Gale said:
ya, vince vaghn is quite the philosopher...


but even if I'm not trying to win them. if i know they're happier not caring for me like that, then i want to be ok with it. i just want to feel better about it all. how can you feel good about it when you feel so emotionally destroyed? how do you live out each day, without crying and wishing for more?
It seems as though women are much better with this then men so if you are dealing with this you may have decent luck in getting on with things. Personally I fell in love with a girl and we actually dated but she decided that she was not re3ally in love with me like she thought she was. I haven't been able to be friends with her at all. I don't even want to see a pic of her or hear her name. Most women though seem to be very good at picking up friendships with their ex loves later on. It actually helps them with closure it seems.
 
  • #16
TheStatutoryApe said:
I don't even want to see a pic of her or hear her name.
Same here. It probably is possible to remain friends with an ex if it's a mutual breakup, like you both decide that the relationship isn't going anywhere, but that is just so rare. I have yet to see a relationship end without somebody getting heartbroken at least a little bit.
 
  • #17
How can one justify love? It's just a very unstable idea in my opinion.
 
  • #18
Gale said:
If you love someone, and they don't love you back, what can you do? i mean, aside from hope they change their mind. how do you just deal with it? what if you want to continue to love them? how do you stay sane?

Now you know what billions of guys all over the world feel when they're rejected.
Smart guys move on to the next adventure.
 
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  • #19
Almost every single time this happens to someone, they just thought they loved the other person. They just bassically forced themselves to want them 24/7 and just thought about them a lot...

Just forget about the ordeal and move on.
 
  • #20
laminatedevildoll said:
How can one justify love? It's just a very unstable idea in my opinion.
Lol... I don't think people exactly intend to fall in love. Yeah they may want to but if they are intentionally making themselves fall in love then they likely aren't really in love with that person.
 
  • #21
TheStatutoryApe said:
Lol... I don't think people exactly intend to fall in love. Yeah they may want to but if they are intentionally making themselves fall in love then they likely aren't really in love with that person.
Maybe it's lust. If people are in 'love,' then why do some cheat on their partners? Maybe the latter is caused by lust too...
 
  • #22
laminatedevildoll said:
Maybe it's lust. If people are in 'love,' then why do some cheat on their partners? Maybe the latter is caused by lust too...
When a person cheats on some one they may not actually be in love with the person. It is possible though that someone can cheat on someone they love because the current situation of their relationship is producing doubts that they don't know how to deal with in a healthy and mature fashion. It could also be an abundance of hormones mixed with a lack of selfcontrol. I don't think either of those last two situations rule out love though they can easily present difficulties in maintaining a relationship with someone that you love.
 
  • #23
If you love someone, and they don't love you back, what can you do?

Just move on, love will only torcher you if you let it. I don't believe love as blind, not for a second.
 
  • #24
TheStatutoryApe said:
When a person cheats on some one they may not actually be in love with the person. It is possible though that someone can cheat on someone they love because the current situation of their relationship is producing doubts that they don't know how to deal with in a healthy and mature fashion. It could also be an abundance of hormones mixed with a lack of selfcontrol. I don't think either of those last two situations rule out love though they can easily present difficulties in maintaining a relationship with someone that you love.
That would fall in the "I love you, but not enough to care if I hurt you by indulging myself". There is no excuse for cheating. You are making a decision, which is more important to you, temporary sexual gratification with another person or the feelings of the one you "supposedly love"?
 
  • #25
It probably is possible to remain friends with an ex if it's a mutual breakup
Its always possible, it just depends on if you want to or not (apart from if you do something really nasty to them).. I am best friends with some of my Ex's, even the ones that broke up with me...

I tend to fly of the handle, Dump everyone, then calm down and become friends again.
 
  • #26
I like how everyone is plotting against me and I had no idea :cry:

... well I guess everyone knows now ...
 
  • #27
Gale said:
but even if I'm not trying to win them. if i know they're happier not caring for me like that, then i want to be ok with it. i just want to feel better about it all. how can you feel good about it when you feel so emotionally destroyed? how do you live out each day, without crying and wishing for more?

You're investing your emotions in the wrong place, or at least too fully in one place. If you seriously cannot live out each day without crying then there are deeper issues here. I could understand if this was a husband of twenty years with whom you had three kids, but as of now, your happiness should not be so dependent upon a single factor that you don't even have any control over.

One problem that I can identify right off of the bat is that all of your interest seems to be in being loved, not in loving. If you honestly crave and need the affections of another that badly, chances are that you don't love yourself nearly enough, which is a problem that isn't going to be solved even if you win over all the Don Juans in the world.
 
  • #28
Never thought it would come to crying over something on the internet. Just rememeber that everybody on the internet is retarded. You don't need me, or the guy who posted before me, or the one before that.
 
  • #29
whozum said:
I like how everyone is plotting against me and I had no idea :cry:
... well I guess everyone knows now ...
Poor whozum. Want to start a support group with me? If this is, as everyone is guessing, related to you and Gale and you're not BOTH okay with this being discussed in public, we can lock this and put an end to the open discussion. It's tricky when two members of the same board have a problem and only one wants to discuss it with everyone.

Sorry, Gale, but if this is about you and whozum, we also have to respect his wishes to keep private matters private if that's what he wants.
 
  • #30
No that's fine. I'm totally cool with this.
 
  • #31
In the most neutral way to this situation as possible:

I would say there isn't anything you can do to make the person think differently about you other than make yourself more appealing. Certain people look for certain traits and value them more than others. Find your lovers traits and work them. There are also things that your lover doesn't want in a relationship, so you have to keep those in mind too.

If you want to keep loving me, then I guess you can. You're going to have a hard time staying sane if its a comanionate love over a passionate one, but if you think continuing to love me is a benefit to your mental health and self esteem then I guess I'm helping you more than hurting you.

Its just a burden on me to think that I'm taking this away from you, and know that I'm hurting you in the process.
 
  • #32
what are you taking from me now? and no one's hurting me, its a conscious decision I'm making, so its my own issue. i happen to think that a person is worth loving, and so i want to, and i would feel unfair to feel differently about them because of how they felt about me. because though, yes, i want to be loved very much, i don't want to obligate someone to feel that way. I'm a mature person, I'm not looking to convince anyone to love me. i just want to learn to feel ok with myself and my life feeling so unloved.
 
  • #33
hey, whozum is in AZ? me too. want me to go beat him up?
 
  • #34
TRIB YOU'RE BACK! where were you when i needed a place to stay in AZ?!?? how you been?
 
  • #35
I was anywhere but in AZ. I don't think I have the strength for a visit from you, I definitely don't have the stamina.
 
  • #36
But, Trib, she's legally 18 now...notice the 17 is finally gone? :biggrin:
 
  • #37
it isn't the legality of it all, it's more of a health issue.
 
  • #38
Thats where I come in :D
Just kidding..
 
  • #39
where are you whozum?
 
  • #40
NE Scottsdale, you?
 
  • #41
NW Mesa, wow, want to go get a beer and I'll beat you up real quick?
 
  • #42
he's only 19. sides, you should wait, I'm going to be there in 2 weeks!
 
  • #43
oh, you want to watch me beat him up?
 
  • #44
i'd like to watch you try to beat anything up. especially after you've had a beer.
 
  • #45
was that a dirty comment?
I'll have you know I can beat it up
and you can watch I suppose
 
  • #46
Now I have three people to spy on, wooo!
 
  • #47
you want to watch me too?
I should start selling tickets
 
  • #48
Yeah you could get a crowd. It would be an upset for you though, unfortunately for you its the underdog that wins these kind of things. You live by Main Street Billiards?
 
  • #49
right up the street maybe 1.5 miles away
 
  • #50
tribdog said:
right up the street

I've driven by your house quite a few times
Play there?
 

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