Girl Problems: Dealing With Unrequited Love at 18

[Moonbear]

If you're nervous about it, you can take a lesson and learn everything you need to know for a small catamaran in about 10 or 15 minutes.

Building off that idea...a really fun date can be doing anything that neither of you has done before, taking lessons together on it and learning something new. Sailing in a catamaran would be one idea, but it could be anything that you both have always wished you knew how to do...ballroom dance lessons, ski lessons, white water rafting, whatever suits your fancy, budget, and is available in your area. It'll be more memorable, because it won't be like every other date she's ever gone on.

 

[BobG]

For the first date, take her somewhere fun and that you can make fun of her! i.e bowling, If your athletic, then kick her butt as bowling or mini-golf. Tease her (not too bad), and the trick is to always keep her smiling.

This is a pretty good dog training tip. Let the dog know who's leader of the pack. You want to have the dominant role and you want the dog to be submissive to you.

Touch is also very important (appropriately). For instance, a hand on the lower back as you open the door for her *at the end of the date to give you time to read her body language and if she is liking you more or less afterwards. Possibly even during the date-- after your laughing hysterically at her bowling 10 gutter balls in a row *BAM* gentle hand on her lower back*.

Treats are always a good tool for training dogs. As the trainer, you want to control the resource important to the dog - namely, the treats. Reward the dog with a treat every time she takes another step towards the desired behavior.

Open her car door and all doors for her, she will probably like it and it will be a nice change as not many young guys bother doing that anymore. Be nice, cocky, and funny, but not too nice and not too mean.

Good idea. Not even dogs react well to mean punishment. Better to display a dominant attitude and reward with nice treats.

It's a tried and true principle, for dogs at least. I can't imagine why the women on the forum might be offended.

 

[Math Is Hard]

This is a pretty good dog training tip. Let the dog know who's leader of the pack. You want to have the dominant role and you want the dog to be submissive to you.

Treats are always a good tool for training dogs. As the trainer, you want to control the resource important to the dog - namely, the treats. Reward the dog with a treat every time she takes another step towards the desired behavior.


Good idea. Not even dogs react well to mean punishment. Better to display a dominant attitude and reward with nice treats.

It's a tried and true principle, for dogs at least. I can't imagine why the women on the forum might be offended.

Wow, I'm trying to be offended- but when you talk like that, Bob, it's kinda exciting.

 

[theCandyman]

This is a pretty good dog training tip. Let the dog know who's leader of the pack. You want to have the dominant role and you want the dog to be submissive to you.

Treats are always a good tool for training dogs. As the trainer, you want to control the resource important to the dog - namely, the treats. Reward the dog with a treat every time she takes another step towards the desired behavior.


Good idea. Not even dogs react well to mean punishment. Better to display a dominant attitude and reward with nice treats.

It's a tried and true principle, for dogs at least. I can't imagine why the women on the forum might be offended.

Sounds like you just watched that episode of South Park that had the Dog Whisperer as a character.

 

[franznietzsche]

Wow, I'm trying to be offended- but when you talk like that, Bob, it's kinda exciting.

That made me all giggly.

 

[jimmydelgado777]

One of our (wife and I) anniversary traditions is to go to San Diego / Mission Bay and rent a catarmaran in the bay for 2 or 3 hours. These are easy to sail, reasonably speedy, and fun. Don't know if you have anything like this in your area. If you're nervous about it, you can take a lesson and learn everything you need to know for a small catamaran in about 10 or 15 minutes.

I watched one of these dating shows and the guy and girl went rowing in this small boat. And the boat accidentally flipped over so both of them are soaking wet in this putrid water. The guy was mightily embarassed. Any type of boating on the first couple of dates conjures images in my mind of the boat tipping over on this foul smelling water.

 

[franznietzsche]

I watched one of these dating shows and the guy and girl went rowing in this small boat. And the boat accidentally flipped over so both of them are soaking wet in this putrid water. The guy was mightily embarassed. Any type of boating on the first couple of dates conjures images in my mind of the boat tipping over on this foul smelling water.

Yarrr, silly landlubbers can't even keep a canoe afloat. Har Har Har!

 

[BobG]

I watched one of these dating shows and the guy and girl went rowing in this small boat. And the boat accidentally flipped over so both of them are soaking wet in this putrid water. The guy was mightily embarassed. Any type of boating on the first couple of dates conjures images in my mind of the boat tipping over on this foul smelling water.

Any date that has water involved is a great date. If Phyics Is Phun lived around here, I'd suggest he take his girlfriend on a hike up Stanley Canyon.

The trail follows a creek up a canyon. In fact, the canyon eventually narrows to the point that there is no trail - you just hop from rock to rock along the stream. It even has those romantic* waterfalls placed strategically along the hike. At the end of the hike is the reservoir that's the source of the creek - a beautiful mountain lake surrounded by pine trees.

*romantic/exhilarating/just a wee bit nipply - any of these could be accurate descriptions when the water surely has to be below 40 degrees F.

 

[Moonbear]

I watched one of these dating shows and the guy and girl went rowing in this small boat. And the boat accidentally flipped over so both of them are soaking wet in this putrid water. The guy was mightily embarassed. Any type of boating on the first couple of dates conjures images in my mind of the boat tipping over on this foul smelling water.

Yes, I would recommend that any water or boating type activities be done in clean water, not putrid lakes or toxic waste dumps.

 

[Physics is Phun]

ok, so we were at the party and everyone got completely trashed, somehow...we ended up in the cellar under the stairs together and we started making out. I don't even remember how long it lasted, somewhere between 1 and 20 minutes...but later when we were all going to sleep, we were on the pullout couch, me her and this other girl, and the other girl was snoring, so we couldn't sleep and were talking for hours about what we're doing. I'm trying, but was so drunk i can't remember the series of events. we talked about how it's probably not the greatest idea to get into a relatioship right now since she's leaving, and somewhere in there she said she needed time to get over the old bf first...but we also ended up making out more on the couch and I'm fairly certain she started it.

so this morning, she is really distant with me, like i put my arm around her or play with her hair, and she doesn't respond to me at all. We all went out for breakfast, and she seemed eager to not drive in my car and go with her girl friend. and we barely talked at all most of the morning. I don't know what to think, my one friend thinks she just is overwhelmed from last night, but I don't know, maybe she just decide she doesn't want to do this whole thing. I'm trying really hard to remember what happened last night and what we talked about but I can't get it all straight in my head.
anyways, i suppose I should call her tomorrow and see what's up.
...i don't know what advice I'm even looking for anymore...just, something.

thanks all

edit:
oh yeah, at the beginning of the party she was telling people that she was there "with me" and that "he's my man"

...i'm so confused!

 

[Moonbear]

You went from not being sure how to show her you're interested in a relationship to getting drunk and making out all night? That's why she's distant...it was going too fast, and she's probably uncomfortable realizing that. That or she was just feeling crappy and hungover. Or she really is only interested in a fling and realized you're more interested in something more serious and that made it awkward (maybe she's feeling a bit guilty about that).

Oh, geez, I don't know, it sounds pretty screwy. At this point, just call and ask her what's going on when you're both sober and can remember the conversation. If she doesn't want to start something because she's moving away, then you have a pretty uphill battle. It either means she really isn't interested, or she's afraid of getting hurt if you start to really fall for each other and then the distance splits you up again.

From what you're writing here, there are definitely crossed signals, but I don't know if it's because she's sending mixed signals or you're not reading her right. It really shouldn't be this difficult, so I'm starting to lean toward thinking this just isn't a good match. I could be wrong, but it really sounds like she's playing some sort of game.

 

[Math Is Hard]

Were there any people at this party who know her ex?

 

[franznietzsche]

It really shouldn't be this difficult, so I'm starting to lean toward thinking this just isn't a good match. I could be wrong, but it really sounds like she's playing some sort of game.

Took the words out of my mouth. Sucks, but I'd say that's probably the reality of the situation.

 

[Beeza]

ok, so we were at the party and everyone got completely trashed, somehow...we ended up in the cellar under the stairs together and we started making out. I don't even remember how long it lasted, somewhere between 1 and 20 minutes...but later when we were all going to sleep, we were on the pullout couch, me her and this other girl, and the other girl was snoring, so we couldn't sleep and were talking for hours about what we're doing. I'm trying, but was so drunk i can't remember the series of events. we talked about how it's probably not the greatest idea to get into a relatioship right now since she's leaving, and somewhere in there she said she needed time to get over the old bf first...but we also ended up making out more on the couch and I'm fairly certain she started it.

so this morning, she is really distant with me, like i put my arm around her or play with her hair, and she doesn't respond to me at all. We all went out for breakfast, and she seemed eager to not drive in my car and go with her girl friend. and we barely talked at all most of the morning. I don't know what to think, my one friend thinks she just is overwhelmed from last night, but I don't know, maybe she just decide she doesn't want to do this whole thing. I'm trying really hard to remember what happened last night and what we talked about but I can't get it all straight in my head.
anyways, i suppose I should call her tomorrow and see what's up.
...i don't know what advice I'm even looking for anymore...just, something.

thanks all

edit:
oh yeah, at the beginning of the party she was telling people that she was there "with me" and that "he's my man"

...i'm so confused!

She is playing head games --especially since she is on the rebound from her ex-boyfriend. Either start playing the same head games with her or move on and find a girl that will treat you like you want to be treated.

 

[Physics is Phun]

I can't believe that she's just "playing games" i probably did just scare her with moving things too fast, with the combination of hungover. I'll call her today and ask her out again, see how she responds.

There were people at the party that know the bf through her... no one independently that would tell him that I was there with her though.

 

[Evo]

I disagree. It never mattered to me nor did laughing at them affect my chances of being with them. Its all the same, and all guys can use the same type of "game" and be sucessful with dating. It'll work with 80% of young college girls.

Being too nice is just going to leave a guy standing on the back porch in the rain with flowers in their hand while the cocky and not-so-nice guy is inside in the sheets with the girl.

I know that sounds like a jerk thing to say, but everyone has to learn from their mistakes somehow, and I'm only trying to help him learn from mine. It sad when you have to act like a jerk, but it works. When the time comes, and he's done getting all of the crazy no strings attached sex out of the way, he'll meet a girl that will fall for him.

Beeza, you've given the worst dating advice I've ever seen. Any girl you "attract" by being a "jerk" has a "problem" with self esteem.

Guys that are nice, thoughtful, reliable, and considerate win me over. I'm sure the other girls/women here all agree.

 

[Beeza]

Beeza, you've given the worst dating advice I've ever seen. Any girl you "attract" by being a "jerk" has a "problem" with self esteem.

Guys that are nice, thoughtful, reliable, and considerate win me over. I'm sure the other girls/women here all agree.

It's not bad dating advice. Spend some time at college parties and around campus. See how guys and girls at this age interact. Observe what kind of men a majority of the girls are attracted to and flirting with at a party. They may call him an *******, but they'll likely go home with him instead of the guy standing there telling them that they are beautiful and that he likes to write poetry.

Every girl I have ever talked to claims to want the nice and sweet guys, but for some reason their boyfriend or guy they were sleeping with always seems to be a jerk? I think that a big part of the problem is that girls at that age don't know what they want. When they grow up, they'll settle down with the nice guy.

On the other hand, I guess this could be considered bad dating advice for sustaining a relationship, but if one is looking for something purely physical, then this method works. I never had any trouble, and the few girls that acting like this doesn't work with, well then those are the ones you actually want a relationship with.

 

[finchie_88]

Any girl you "attract" by being a "jerk" has a "problem" with self esteem.

He's got a point though, it's sad to say, but there are a lot of girls that don't share your point of view, lol, trust me, I've met lots of them - They don't care when I'm nice to them, but they are really interested when I act like an arrogant jerk? I mean what the ...? Anyway, my main method is be the nice guy, if that doesn't work, then be arrogant - after all, if the first one fails, you have nothing to loose.

 

[shmoe]

There were people at the party that know the bf through her... no one independently that would tell him that I was there with her though.

Does that matter? They're broken up no?

Talk to her sober, and just be honest. If she keeps making excuses like getting over her ex, or that she's moving away, it's probably best to just back off and just be friends. I mean that- don't be the guy that gets strung along by the confused* girl and is on call for a little rumpy pumpy whenever she feels like it. This is a bad place to be if you have unreciprocated relationship aspirations.


*I'm happy to give the benefit of the doubt between "confused" and "playing games", but the stay away flag waves in either case.

 

[shmoe]

He's got a point though, it's sad to say, but there are a lot of girls that don't share your point of view, lol, trust me, I've met lots of them - They don't care when I'm nice to them, but they are really interested when I act like an arrogant jerk? I mean what the ...? Anyway, my main method is be the nice guy, if that doesn't work, then be arrogant - after all, if the first one fails, you have nothing to loose.

But do you want a girl who let's herself be treated that way? If we're just talking about picking up some drunk at a college party for a roll in the hay, then it's not really a big deal (though who needs to put on an act for this?). If you want to meet someone to get involved with, I'd say no thanks to a pushover who let me boss them around.

 

[Math Is Hard]

Does that matter? They're broken up no?

He was just responding to my question. I had an uncomfortable feeling that she was dragging him around for show in front of a bunch of people..

oh yeah, at the beginning of the party she was telling people that she was there "with me" and that "he's my man"

..just so that it would get back to her ex. That's the only reason I asked. Sounds like that probably wasn't the case though.

Still sounds like she's pretty mixed up about what she wants. Girls like this are "trouble on the hoof".

 

[Moonbear]

It's not bad dating advice. Spend some time at college parties and around campus. See how guys and girls at this age interact. Observe what kind of men a majority of the girls are attracted to and flirting with at a party. They may call him an *******, but they'll likely go home with him instead of the guy standing there telling them that they are beautiful and that he likes to write poetry.

I hate to break it to you, but I've been to college and know what goes on at parties and what sort of jerks attend them. And Evo is dead on, the women who have no self-esteem will leave with them. It never makes for any sort of lasting relationship. It might linger a while, he treats her like crap, she cries to her girlfriends, goes back to him for a bit, that gets repeated for a few months, and they break up, then he says he's sorry, they get back together, treat each other like crap again, break up again, she parades the newest jerk around in front of him for a while, breaks up with the new one, etc. Sometimes they even get married and treat each other like crap for a while then too, and yep, you got it, a few years, and sometimes a kid or two down the road, they finally realize they can't stand all the fighting and get divorced.

When you find mutual respect, you'll find a lasting relationship. Games are for kids, and yeah, lots of college kids still play the games, but those ready to settle down know it's time to give it up and find a partner they can respect.

 

[heartless]

It's not bad dating advice. Spend some time at college parties and around campus. See how guys and girls at this age interact. Observe what kind of men a majority of the girls are attracted to and flirting with at a party. They may call him an *******, but they'll likely go home with him instead of the guy standing there telling them that they are beautiful and that he likes to write poetry.

Every girl I have ever talked to claims to want the nice and sweet guys, but for some reason their boyfriend or guy they were sleeping with always seems to be a jerk? I think that a big part of the problem is that girls at that age don't know what they want. When they grow up, they'll settle down with the nice guy.

On the other hand, I guess this could be considered bad dating advice for sustaining a relationship, but if one is looking for something purely physical, then this method works. I never had any trouble, and the few girls that acting like this doesn't work with, well then those are the ones you actually want a relationship with.

Wow, but have you actually thought why girls do that? and how being a "jerk" affects people around you? and then think, how many girls are different than the type of a girls you've just shown? And also, how many people pretend to have a personality they have around you? Being a type of a person, as you think is "cool", is just an empty type of a person without thoughts, own ideas and life. They come empty, and they go empty, leaving all experience also without frame. BTW, poets leave ideas, feelings and nice traces of their existence behind them, and jerks leave nothing but suffering and unpleasant feelings after'em not actually accomplishing and adding anything into the world as a whole. anyway, you don't need to respond or get mad at what I wrote, just if you can, answer the 4 questions.

 

[shmoe]

He was just responding to my question. I had an uncomfortable feeling that she was dragging him around for show in front of a bunch of people..

Ahh, I had missed your question, thanks . I was hoping he wasn't trying to justify something nefarious (which he wasn't).

 

[Beeza]

I hate to break it to you, but I've been to college and know what goes on at parties and what sort of jerks attend them. And Evo is dead on, the women who have no self-esteem will leave with them. It never makes for any sort of lasting relationship. It might linger a while, he treats her like crap, she cries to her girlfriends, goes back to him for a bit, that gets repeated for a few months, and they break up, then he says he's sorry, they get back together, treat each other like crap again, break up again, she parades the newest jerk around in front of him for a while, breaks up with the new one, etc. Sometimes they even get married and treat each other like crap for a while then too, and yep, you got it, a few years, and sometimes a kid or two down the road, they finally realize they can't stand all the fighting and get divorced.

When you find mutual respect, you'll find a lasting relationship. Games are for kids, and yeah, lots of college kids still play the games, but those ready to settle down know it's time to give it up and find a partner they can respect.

I'm aware that most everyone on this board has been to college and graduated--most with advanced degrees. However, I also believe that the percentage of women on this board are also women that are very refined and proper (women that men should hang onto and not play games with)-- women that know what they want and never played games. However, I do believe that a lot of other women fall into the same category as the women on this board.

I'd also like to throw in that I'm not some monster that people on here seem to think I am. I just speak from my own experiences and observations. I also said that when a man finds a girl that doesn't go for the bull**** games, that's the one you hold onto. I found one that didn't, and I'm holding onto her very tightly.

 

[Moonbear]

I'd also like to throw in that I'm not some monster that people on here seem to think I am. I just speak from my own experiences and observations. I also said that when a man finds a girl that doesn't go for the bull**** games, that's the one you hold onto. I found one that didn't, and I'm holding onto her very tightly.

Then why do you suggest others play the games if you know that's not the way to find someone worth holding on to? If someone plays games, rather than perpetuate it and be a jerk back, cut them loose and move on. It applies for both sexes.

 

[Beeza]

Wow, but have you actually thought why girls do that? and how being a "jerk" affects people around you? and then think, how many girls are different than the type of a girls you've just shown? And also, how many people pretend to have a personality they have around you? Being a type of a person, as you think is "cool", is just an empty type of a person without thoughts, own ideas and life. They come empty, and they go empty, leaving all experience also without frame. BTW, poets leave ideas, feelings and nice traces of their existence behind them, and jerks leave nothing but suffering and unpleasant feelings after'em not actually accomplishing and adding anything into the world as a whole. anyway, you don't need to respond or get mad at what I wrote, just if you can, answer the 4 questions.

I don't mind answering them nor am i mad.

Why girls do that? I have no idea. Girls from good families, bad families, religious families, married women, whatever. A lot of them (not all of them) do the same thing. The reasons are well beyond me, and I truly have no idea.
Me being a "jerk" doesn't really affect people around me. I'm not a complete jerk, but I'm also not a complete pushover nice guy. I tried being a pushover nice guy, and that never worked well for me with the dating world of young girls, so I changed for awhile--until I met my current fiance'.

I help the people next to me in classes when they ask a question. I help people in the gym when they ask questions. Hell, this winter I even chased a handicapped girl down a hill in an out of control electric wheelchair that she lost control off and slid down a big snowwy hill almost crashing into the side of a building. I picked it up and carried herself and the chair back to the top while everyone else just walked right by her and laughed.

I have no idea how many people are fake around me. I really don't care. I have maybe 2 or 3 good friends, and the rest are just people that I know. If people act fake around me, then its their own fault. I'm friendly with everyone from the criminals at work roofing to the kid that sits alone in the cafeteria with no friends around him.

I also have nothing against poetry-- in fact, I enjoy reading it. I just merely used it as an example, and a poor one at that. My mistake.

 

[Moonbear]

Me being a "jerk" doesn't really affect people around me. I'm not a complete jerk, but I'm also not a complete pushover nice guy. I tried being a pushover nice guy, and that never worked well for me with the dating world of young girls, so I changed for awhile--until I met my current fiance'.

There are miles of middle ground between jerk and pushover. Neither extreme is going to come across as very attractive. Recommending someone avoid being a pushover doesn't mean they have to act like a jerk.

 

[Physics is Phun]

excerpt from her blog
"
What a weird ... past month or so.

I have decided that the best way to cope with all of this is just to cacoon myself around friends and forget about boys for a while. I need to get over everything that's happened. And I can't even comprehend what happened yet. So its going to be quite some time. And it's not just Matt I have to get over. It's some other people and things as well. I always just pick up and move on to the next boy...and that nearly happened this time, but thanks to the fact that I really care about him. I didn't let it happen. I am going to change my ways. I just want to have fun and not care or worry about anything. I have learned my lesson. What can I say? Matt's a good teacher. It's just too hard to understand. And it hurts way too much to ignore. How do you fill in 6 months of absolute lies and bull****? How would you feel if you woke up tomorrow realizing that you spent the last half year living something that doesn't really exsist? You would feel like I do now. Confused...exhausted...hurt...dazed...lonely...stupid...pathetic...the list just keeps going.
"
i still haven't got a chance to talk to her, and she'll be gone all day today.
Now she knows that i'd be reading this. I don't really know what to think, but it looks like she's going to need some space.
I now have a feeling that she said she was with me at that party not to try and have it get back to her boyfriend...but to keep all the other guys there away from her.
I don't know what to do anymore...should I even bring anything up? or should our next convo just be friendly and non-serious, and i'll just let her bring up what's going on with our relationship, when she's ready.


edit: whoops, sorry for the swearing there...but i see this genius forum has some sort of auto-swear-destroyer...very nice. *thumbsup*

 

[George Jones]

Yes, she definitely needs space and time.

But she also needs a friend.

Can you be the friend she needs without it being too painful for you? I know you want more, but friendship is priceless.

If you do talk about your relationship, do so in a non-threatening, understanding way, where non-threatening means no pressure for something more.

If you continue to be her friend, maybe, in time, she will be interested in a deeper relationship with you, but you have be prepared for the fact that this might never happen. Could you still be her friend (and even be happy for her) if, down the road, she develops a healthy relationship with a guy who treats her well.

Years ago, I was in a similar situation, and, from experince, I can say that it is possible to be happy for her and sad for yourself at the same time. In my case, "those" type of feelings eventually subsided, I found and married my soulmate, and I still have a wonderful friend.

I know that you're in a difficult situation, but she obviously cares for you, and, even if she is not ready for a relationship, that should count for something.

And, there still is the possiblilty that, in the long run, things will work out the way you want them to.