Girl Problems: Dealing With Unrequited Love at 18

[Astronuc]

Don't be pushy.

You could mention that it would be cool if she and you were gf/bf, but tell it's still cool to be friends.

You've already made up your mind, so ultimately it's her choice. Just be comfortable with however it turns out.

 

[Physics is Phun]

Well, I'm really not making any progress tying to figure out how she's feeling towards me. But I have a feeling it's not looking good.
So we hung out last night, me her and the other girl mentioned earlier. We went out to dinner where the topic of conversation was mostly boys and sex (seems to be the topic of conversation whenever I'm around these girls not individually) We went back to her place after that and hung out there. So, I was playing with her baby brother, and he try's to give me an "eskimo kiss" and they're like, awww he's trying to give you an eskimo kiss, that's soo cute. And naturally I'm like, what the hell is an eskimo kiss. (I now know it means rubbing noses) so she's like, you don't know what that is? and then does it to me. And the other girl says, well that's great, you practically kissed "physics is phun"
I really don't know what that was all about, but it wasn't awkward afterwards or anything, and we all just carried on doing what we were doing like nothing happened.
She also hugs me a lot, and did more that usual last night.
BUT. she also called me her best friend, which was not in all seriousness, cause the other girl there is actually her best friend.
she said 'I love you' atleast once maybe twice (i'm not really counting) to me last night. and I think that's a bad sign.

And, best for last, next week she's going to visit her BF at school for a week

 

[Moonbear]

I'm thinking perhaps she just wants a guy to hang around with until her BF comes home

Unfortunately, that's possible too. How long have you known her? Has she had other boyfriends other than the current one in the time you've known her? Does she have any history of cheating on them? Or, is she someone who breaks up with the previous one after a few dates with a new one? I don't advocate that practice, but among younger people, it's also not uncommon and not a reason to avoid dating someone...they don't necessarily know what they want in a relationship yet, so sort of do it in a way where they test the waters of another relationship before completely getting out of the first, trying to decide which is the better one. For someone older, I'd take it as a sign of immaturity in relationships, but for someone younger, still in college, I'd take it as inexperience.

I think you missed an opportunity though. When you asked her to show you what an Eskimo kiss is, you had the perfect opening to see how she'd react to just a bit more...stroke her hair while she was close, or comment, "I was hoping it was a bit more than that when I asked you to show me." Those sorts of actions or comments would get the message across fairly clearly that you're interested without being pushy (some guys would have just gone in for a real kiss while that close, which if she's unambiguously interested would have been an easy decision, but when you're uncertain, it could have been taken as being pushy or too forward and unwelcome, which would have caused more harm than good if all she really wants is a best friend).

By the way, it's not cheating to leave one boyfriend for a new prospect, as someone suggested it might be. It's called dating. She's not married, and shouldn't be stuck with the same guy forever if she realizes he's not right, or isn't quite sure. Maybe he's okay, but she likes you better but doesn't think you're interested because you just won't make a move so is just settling for the other guy.

This is why people grow weary of games in relationships and learn to just say what they want and think and risk getting an answer they don't want to hear...at least then you know and can move on.

 

[Physics is Phun]

http://www.cineplex.com/showtimes/showtimes.asp?LNmovie=-1&LNcity=7FE2B2F8-2044-47A7-9FE2-0205993AFDBB%3BCambridge&LNdate=4%2F1%2F2006&type=0&citydesc=Ontario+-+Cambridge&theatredesc=&moviedesc=&theatre=-1&movie=-1&city=7FE2B2F8-2044-47A7-9FE2-0205993AFDBB%3BCambridge&date=4%2F1%2F2006

I think you missed an opportunity though. When you asked her to show you what an Eskimo kiss is, you had the perfect opening to see how she'd react to just a bit more...stroke her hair while she was close, or comment, "I was hoping it was a bit more than that when I asked you to show me." Those sorts of actions or comments would get the message across fairly clearly that you're interested without being pushy (some guys would have just gone in for a real kiss while that close, which if she's unambiguously interested would have been an easy decision, but when you're uncertain, it could have been taken as being pushy or too forward and unwelcome, which would have caused more harm than good if all she really wants is a best friend).

Well. First, I didn't ask for it, she just did it. So it was entirely unexpected. second, the other girl was right there in the room, and I was holding her brother in my lap. And last, I can't remember, but he dad and sister were either in the room, or right in the next room. So, it was neither the time nor place.

That's not really the point though. Whether she like's me or not is the main issue.

I have know her through a few boyfriends, but not very well. I've only really hung out with her for about a month now and this whole time she was "going out" with the new guy.

hmm, just thought of this now... maybe I should wait till he come home in a month. The last time he was home he broke up with her cause she want to spend "too much" time with him (what a jackass) maybe this will happen again and things will fall apart once he gets home.
Of course, I'll be in school then, but my school in only an hour bus away from where she lives, so it's not really THAT bad...


hehe, sorry to anyone reading this, I'm starting to sound like a blog more than a well thought out forum post

 

[rocketboy]

I'm jealous...i don't see my girlfriend half as often as you see this girl.

I think you've spent too much time wondering if she likes you and not enough time finding out if she likes you. Not to be harsh or anything, but I think you should go with something like what moonbear was saying about the eskimo kiss situation...these opportunities come up a lot if you are observant and you can turn them around into finding out what she thinks of you through them.

 

[arildno]

Now, there is one option that she and her friend are playing games with you and are fully aware how you feel about her. That is, they may be "teasing" you, and she doesn't have any interest in you.
In that case as well, I'd recommend you tell her about how you feel, instead of remaining the butt of their (bad) jokes.

 

[Physics is Phun]

haha, well...I reeeally doubt that's the case. And if it were, I would be some pissed.

 

[Astronuc]

Well. First, I didn't ask for it, she just did it. So it was entirely unexpected. second, the other girl was right there in the room, and I was holding her brother in my lap. And last, I can't remember, but he dad and sister were either in the room, or right in the next room. So, it was neither the time nor place.

That's not really the point though. Whether she like's me or not is the main issue.

I have know her through a few boyfriends, but not very well. I've only really hung out with her for about a month now and this whole time she was "going out" with the new guy.

hmm, just thought of this now... maybe I should wait till he come home in a month. The last time he was home he broke up with her cause she want to spend "too much" time with him (what a jackass) maybe this will happen again and things will fall apart once he gets home.

PiP, perhaps you did miss an opportunity - not surprising because the unexpected happened before one could respond. However, perhaps one can be prepared should a similar event arise, i.e. think of what one might say the next time - something like "you have beautiful eyes".

Also when one goes to school, perhaps one could send this woman some flowers and a note expressing thanks for the time spent together.

As for whether or not this woman has affection for one - I agree with Moonbear - the direct approach works best. Just ask her. On the other hand, perhaps the answer will be one that one does not like.

arildno may or may not be correct - it is one of several possibilities in the course of human relationships. Hopefully, this woman is not playing a game. Maybe she simply sees one as a platonic friend, which is not so bad, but falls short of one's wish.

Perhaps this woman is afraid of a serious relationship at this point - many men and woman are - so people resort to games or relationships which are somewhat superficial.

Another matter to ask the woman - what are her thoughts about relationships? What does she really want in a relationship? What is one's thoughts about relationships?

 

[Physics is Phun]

ohhhh
One is getting more and more confused by the minute

 

[Astronuc]

ohhhh
One is getting more and more confused by the minute

About what is one confused?

Just be prepared for another opportunity - which may or may not come.

Also, don't impose a kiss - be polite and ask first.

But still consider - when she and you part ways for school, conisder sending this woman some flowers and a note expressing thanks for the time spent together. Very simple.

 

[Physics is Phun]

ohhhhhh kayy! bringing this badboy thread out of the closet.

So! she has broken-up (for good) with her boyfriend, and just tonight she told me that she liked me. I told her i liked her back. and I don't really know what the hell to do from here! we've become good friends over the last 4 months, and I don't really know how to start moving things forward now...
this is the first relationship I've been in, and I'm not really even in it yet.
my floormate's advice is to just take it slowly...anyone have anything to add to that?

thanks all

 

[Math Is Hard]

Woohoo! Time for the first date! Something casual and fun, I would think.

 

[shmoe]

First date time indeed, make sure it's clear that it's a "date" date and not a "friend" date. Recomendation is against doing something you've already done as friends so it doesn't seem like the same old thing, you want to head into new territory. A movie is a tacky first date imo, and doesn't give much chance for interaction. A picnic someplace quitish is nice, the old saying is the way to a man's heart is though his stomach, but women can be dazzled by culinary skills as well (or attempted culinary skills- as long as you don't give them food poisoning). Flowers might be a good start. Roses are tacky imo, daisies are nice but better to do whatever feels right to you. Nothing over the top though, first date with a girl you've had a crush on for some time and being 18 years old, that might be a danger. "casual and fun" was great advice.

She's moving away at the end of summer right? You can't move too slowly then.

 

[zoobyshoe]

ohhhhhh kayy! bringing this badboy thread out of the closet.

So! she has broken-up (for good) with her boyfriend, and just tonight she told me that she liked me. I told her i liked her back. and I don't really know what the hell to do from here! we've become good friends over the last 4 months, and I don't really know how to start moving things forward now...
this is the first relationship I've been in, and I'm not really even in it yet.
my floormate's advice is to just take it slowly...anyone have anything to add to that?

thanks all

Kiss her as soon as possible. It's the only way to shift it from friendship to romance.

 

[Moonbear]

Kiss her as soon as possible. It's the only way to shift it from friendship to romance.

Gotta love zooby advice, straight and to the point! And, yes, go on a real, official date, someplace fun! I agree with the advice to avoid a movie. That's better for after you're already all romantic with each other and can watch while snuggled together (though, today's stadium seating really takes all the fun out of movie theater snuggling... not that I'd know ). From there, you'll have to figure it out on your own. Follow her lead...if she's interested enough, she'll give you plenty of hints of what she wants and how fast to go, you just have to keep your eyes and ears open.

 

[Beeza]

Physics is Phun, I know you've probably already answered this somewhere in this huge thread, but how old are you? If she already admitted that she liked you, and you told her the same (was this in person?) Then, at that moment you should have kissed her. Next time you notice yourself in a long awkward silent pause with her. Go for the kiss.

For the first date, take her somewhere fun and that you can make fun of her! i.e bowling, If your athletic, then kick her butt as bowling or mini-golf. Tease her (not too bad), and the trick is to always keep her smiling. Touch is also very important (appropriately). For instance, a hand on the lower back as you open the door for her *at the end of the date to give you time to read her body language and if she is liking you more or less afterwards. Possibly even during the date-- after your laughing hysterically at her bowling 10 gutter balls in a row *BAM* gentle hand on her lower back*.

Open her car door and all doors for her, she will probably like it and it will be a nice change as not many young guys bother doing that anymore. Be nice, cocky, and funny, but not too nice and not too mean.

Also, keep in mind that since she just broke up with her boyfriend, she may just be looking for some "fun" and sex, which is fine man, just enjoy it! Don't get too attached too quickly (if at all) and for the love of god do not drop the L word for a long time. Date other girls too. Always keep your options open, and at the very least, dating with other girls will onyl give you practice for honing in on the one that you really want and impressing her.

 

[Moonbear]

Possibly even during the date-- after your laughing hysterically at her bowling 10 gutter balls in a row *BAM* gentle hand on her lower back*.

And what happens when she's the one laughing at him for bowling 10 gutter balls in a row? Huh? HUH?! If you're laughing AT her during the date, it's not going to go well. If you do something where you can laugh TOGETHER, you'll have a much better chance.

Date other girls too.

But not all at the same time!

 

[George Jones]

If you do something where you can laugh TOGETHER, you'll have a much better chance.

I find this is true at any stage of a relationship.

 

[shmoe]

That's better for after you're already all romantic with each other and can watch while snuggled together (though, today's stadium seating really takes all the fun out of movie theater snuggling... not that I'd know ).

Some theatres (AMC perhaps) have arms that can move up so you can snuggle. I always thought this was tacky though. I prefer my movie viewing/snuggling events in the privacy of my living room.

Ever been in an old theatre that had couch style seats at the back? Ever wonder what's gone on in those seats? Hmm at 18, maybe a movie is where you want to take your date.

And what happens when she's the one laughing at him for bowling 10 gutter balls in a row? Huh? HUH?!

There's no shame in receiving a pity kiss.

 

[Beeza]

And what happens when she's the one laughing at him for bowling 10 gutter balls in a row? Huh? HUH?! If you're laughing AT her during the date, it's not going to go well. If you do something where you can laugh TOGETHER, you'll have a much better chance.

I disagree. It never mattered to me nor did laughing at them affect my chances of being with them. Its all the same, and all guys can use the same type of "game" and be sucessful with dating. It'll work with 80% of young college girls.

Being too nice is just going to leave a guy standing on the back porch in the rain with flowers in their hand while the cocky and not-so-nice guy is inside in the sheets with the girl.

I know that sounds like a jerk thing to say, but everyone has to learn from their mistakes somehow, and I'm only trying to help him learn from mine. It sad when you have to act like a jerk, but it works. When the time comes, and he's done getting all of the crazy no strings attached sex out of the way, he'll meet a girl that will fall for him.



Why not? Its dating at this point and not a relationship. I think people need to be more critical and not jump right into the relationship phase. Have some fun, don't put labels on anything, and take your time. It's important to be VERY picky with who your in a relationship with.

 

[Moonbear]

I disagree. It never mattered to me nor did laughing at them affect my chances of being with them. Its all the same, and all guys can use the same type of "game" and be sucessful with dating. It'll work with 80% of young college girls.

Being too nice is just going to leave a guy standing on the back porch in the rain with flowers in their hand while the cocky and not-so-nice guy is inside in the sheets with the girl.

I know that sounds like a jerk thing to say, but everyone has to learn from their mistakes somehow, and I'm only trying to help him learn from mine. It sad when you have to act like a jerk, but it works. When the time comes, and he's done getting all of the crazy no strings attached sex out of the way, he'll meet a girl that will fall for him.

Are you still very young? Sorry, but there's more to a relationship than getting inside the sheets. If that's all you're interested in, then sure, you can pick up some sleezy woman who wants the same thing, and the two of you can treat each other like crap, but it sounds to me like Physics is Phun is actually looking for a relationship, not a cheap roll in the hay here.

 

[Beeza]

Are you still very young? Sorry, but there's more to a relationship than getting inside the sheets. If that's all you're interested in, then sure, you can pick up some sleezy woman who wants the same thing, and the two of you can treat each other like crap, but it sounds to me like Physics is Phun is actually looking for a relationship, not a cheap roll in the hay here.

I'm still really young. I'm 21, but I'm also done messing around and have settled down and now live with the girl that I'm going to marry. Theres much more to us than getting inside the sheets.

However, from reading the previous posts, if the girl was talking about sex and boys with Physics is Phun while she had a boyfriend, then there is the possibility that this girl may be only looking for a cheap roll in the hay. On the other hand, she could quite possibly not be, but he needs to atleast be aware of that possibility with her (or any other girl)and to not get too attached and fixated on one girl too quickly.

 

[Moonbear]

On the other hand, she could quite possibly not be, but he needs to atleast be aware of that possibility with her (or any other girl)and to not get too attached and fixated on one girl too quickly.

That's reasonable advice, but if he's looking for a relationship, there's no point in sabotaging it from the start by assuming that's all she's looking for. If it turns out that way, then they just won't end up compatible. Some women will flit about and flirt like that if all they're meeting are young guys "playing the field" and uninterested in a relationship, but once they find one who treats them right, they'll establish something more stable.

 

[rocketboy]

Picnic is a great idea...it's something that "just friends" don't do. Take some flowers for her...I went for a rose when I asked my gf out, but it's up to you. Any flowers will be a positive gesture.

 

[Moonbear]

Picnic is a great idea...it's something that "just friends" don't do. Take some flowers for her...I went for a rose when I asked my gf out, but it's up to you. Any flowers will be a positive gesture.

Aww...how sweet...a graduate of the PF School of Romance is now back giving the advice rather than getting. Glad to get a bit of an update once in a while to know things are still going well.

 

[Physics is Phun]

I'm 19 and she's 18.
I'm not looking to just date this girl for a bit and say screw it if doesn't work out. we're both looking for a relationship that will be lasting. and we're already talked about it and told each other that we would stay friends no matter what happens.
I couldn't kiss her cause she told me over the phone after the movie. She said she was going to tell me right then, but her dad had come at that moment to pick us up (my parents reclaimed my car for the summer while I'm at school :( )
the next time we're going to see each other is at my/our friends b-day party on saturday. I guess i'll see how things go from there.

 

[jimmydelgado777]

there's this girl that I've know for a while now, not well until recently, we just stated talking again several weeks ago and it turns out we have just about everything in common. at first I just thought I had a crush on her cause she's quite pretty, but I know now after talking a lot that I really like her. The thing is I really don't think she likes me that way. We're great friends but I think that's all it is on her side. The other day I went over (20 minutes late because I know she wouldn't be ready) and she answers the door in nothing but a towel. I would think that if she had any sort of boyfriend interest in me she would have atleast had a bit more modesty. Now I'm not really sure she had any choice because she had to take care of her baby brother cause her dad was late getting home. But still, she felt absolutely no akwardness about it.
I didn't think I was going to have to deal with this ever because she had a serious boyfriend until last week (followed by calling me and crying) Now I don't know what to do. I don't know what good telling her would do if she only sees me as a friend, but I also don't want to do nothing because someone else will be going out with her in no time. (despite her saying she is done with relationships for now)
OMG, I don't know what to do. If I tell her things will probably get really akward, but if I wait and she gets a new boyfriend thing will get akward anyways (for me) and i'll probably stop calling her.

We are both 18, I am a complete newb to the dating/relationship/sex world while she is a seasoned pro. That just make this whole situation all the more intimidating.

ARGGG, just shoot me now!

Call this guy on his radio show: http://www.worldtalkradio.com/archives.asp?sid=202
Sundays from 11a-noon EDT (8a-9a PDT).

He will make you better. He will turn you into a regular Cary Grant. I guarantee it.

 

[franznietzsche]

I'm 19 and she's 18.
I'm not looking to just date this girl for a bit and say screw it if doesn't work out. we're both looking for a relationship that will be lasting.

For the record that's a bad way to go into a relationship. Don't get me wrong, its a fine goal, but you're setting up expectations and preconceptions and that's only going to cause problems.

 

[Pengwuino]

Can i come in and ruin the thread yet?

 

[rcgldr]

For the first date, take her somewhere fun and that you can make fun of her!

You must be a first date expert, with advice like that, you'd never get a second date.

Being 54 years old and married for 24 of them, it's hard to remember dating, other than discos were the place to go during the mid to late 1970's to meet people (where I met my wife).

Since you know each other already, the date doesn't have to involve a lot of conversation, so a movie could be a good choice, especially if you get her to pick the movie. If there are teen dance clubs, that can be fun as well (if you're not a clutz). A comedy club is ok, but the language can be bad with some comedians. Amuzement parks are fun, but can be expensive, (I don't know your budget).

One of our (wife and I) anniversary traditions is to go to San Diego / Mission Bay and rent a catarmaran in the bay for 2 or 3 hours. These are easy to sail, reasonably speedy, and fun. Don't know if you have anything like this in your area. If you're nervous about it, you can take a lesson and learn everything you need to know for a small catamaran in about 10 or 15 minutes.