Girl Problems: Dealing With Unrequited Love at 18

[Moonbear]

Ah, teenage break-up melodrama. I forgot, you're at that age where every break up is the end of the world and cause for long, long diary entries (now blog entries) expressing how traumatic it all is and how she'll never get over it, etc.

Well, it was nice of her to spell it all out for you. She needs more time and is confused, and really cares about you, which is why she doesn't want to just rush into things. So, that means taking time to just hang out together and keeping your paws off! She has probably just realized for herself that just jumping from one physical relationship to another is not very satisfying without building up an emotional bond first.

If she knows you read her blog, so she might have written that stuff intentionally for you to see it, give her a call, tell her you read her blog, and you understand better now. Reassure her that you care very much for her and are willing to back up and take things more slowly, just hanging out together for a while until she's ready. Then, you have to resist going any further than holding hands and a peck on the cheek. If she initiates things and tries to take it any further than that, look her in the eye and ask directly, "Are you sure? I don't want you to regret anything or wind up hating me for going too fast." Something like that...make it really clear that it's her decision and you can wait until she's ready, and that you don't want to just rush into things because of a passing impulse. That'll be the toughest question of your life to have to slow down when you'll want to keep going, but given the outcome of making out at the party, you don't want to repeat that and wind up getting the cold shoulder again.

Now, here's the other tough part...there's no guarantee she's going to really ever move forward with you. If there's nobody else catching your interest, there's no harm in being patient with her, but if someone else comes along, and she's still doing the "let's just be friends" thing, move on and don't feel guilty over it.

 

[Mattara]

Meh, grow up :zzz:

I'm fat. I'm ugly. I'm mean and have a rather odd personality. People never speak to me unless they want me to help them with something.

Do you see me complaining

 

[shmoe]

excerpt from her blog
**snippity snip***
i still haven't got a chance to talk to her, and she'll be gone all day today.

This might just be me, but I have to say this is a sucky way for her to pass this information to you.

I say bollocks to wating around for her to "be ready". It may never happen and it's just going to suck holding on to these romantic ideas any longer than necessary. Nothing will make her take you for granted more than you promising to be her "boyfriend in waiting". Move on as soon as possible, you wouldn't want to miss other chances because you're still hung up on this girl. This doesn't mean you can't be friends if you're emotionally up to it, but there's nothing wrong if you wanted to be selfish and stay away for a time if you would find that too draining. Just my opinion.

 

[franznietzsche]

This might just be me, but I have to say this is a sucky way for her to pass this information to you.

I say bollocks to wating around for her to "be ready". It may never happen and it's just going to suck holding on to these romantic ideas any longer than necessary. Nothing will make her take you for granted more than you promising to be her "boyfriend in waiting". Move on as soon as possible, you wouldn't want to miss other chances because you're still hung up on this girl. This doesn't mean you can't be friends if you're emotionally up to it, but there's nothing wrong if you wanted to be selfish and stay away for a time if you would find that too draining. Just my opinion.

I agree. Learn from my mistakes.

 

[Physics is Phun]

ah, boyfriend it waiting...that pretty much sums it up. Well, I've been waiting for 4-5 months now...what's a bit more!
I AM supposed to be hanging out with this other girl sometime this weekend. I haven't seen her since the fall semester. There is nothing relationship-wise there, but she's a lot of fun.
hmm, i don't know what to do...how long should I wait? this one friend I've talked to a lot about this says give her 3 weeks before i bring anything up about it again. i guess that sounds reasonable. i dunno...

there's one thing i forgot to mention, we hung out at her place the night before the party, like all night. We just cuddled together and fell asleep in each other's arms. and I just remembered that she also asked me to go to a wedding with her in the fall.
...you can see my confusion...

 

[franznietzsche]

ah, boyfriend it waiting...that pretty much sums it up. Well, I've been waiting for 4-5 months now...what's a bit more!
I AM supposed to be hanging out with this other girl sometime this weekend. I haven't seen her since the fall semester. There is nothing relationship-wise there, but she's a lot of fun.
hmm, i don't know what to do...how long should I wait? this one friend I've talked to a lot about this says give her 3 weeks before i bring anything up about it again. i guess that sounds reasonable. i dunno...

You've been waiting too long already. Stop now. That logic eventually turns into, well I've been waiting 6 months, can't give up now! Then its a year, then its a year and a half, then maybe you finally get a clue [/anecdote]

Now, if you want to wait three weeks and bring it up again, fine. But don't blather on about how you'll be there anyway, waiting for her to be ready. You'll regret it. If she's not willing to give straight answers by then, I advise you move on.

there's one thing i forgot to mention, we hung out at her place the night before the party, like all night. We just cuddled together and fell asleep in each other's arms. and I just remembered that she also asked me to go to a wedding with her in the fall.
...you can see my confusion...

Nothing like that for mucking up a teenager's brain, I have to say.

 

[Lisa!]

Come on! "Out of sight, out of mind" All kiddies say stuff like "her or none" or "I wait for her forever" but the moment they meet someone else, they just forget all about it...

 

[Mattara]

Come on! "Out of sight, out of mind" All kiddies say stuff like "her or none" or "I wait for her forever" but the moment they meet someone else, they just forget all about it...

And don't forget the classic:

If I can't have her, no one can

 

[shmoe]

hmm, i don't know what to do...how long should I wait?

4-5 months is more than enough.

I AM supposed to be hanging out with this other girl sometime this weekend. I haven't seen her since the fall semester. There is nothing relationship-wise there, but she's a lot of fun.

Great! Have fun, hang out with other people, etc. generally get on with life.

this one friend I've talked to a lot about this says give her 3 weeks before i bring anything up about it again. i guess that sounds reasonable. i dunno...

I don't see why you should wait to talk about it. She aired it in her blog, if she's not willing to talk to you then it's a total wash.

...and I just remembered that she also asked me to go to a wedding with her in the fall.

Asking someone to go to a wedding is more of a punishment in my opinion.

I agree. Learn from my mistakes.

They were my mistakes first. Well, I did steal them from someone else before me...

 

[Moonbear]

hmm, i don't know what to do...how long should I wait?

Only until you find someone who doesn't put you on the waiting list. In other words, if you have fun hanging out with her, go ahead and do so, but don't stop looking for others and don't pass up other offers. You're not obligated to wait at all as there's no guarantee she'll ever come around. If you find someone else in the meantime, it's her loss. For all you know, as soon as she gets over the last boyfriend, it won't be you she gets over him for. Actually, if she hasn't gotten over him in several months despite you being around, it's looking pretty dismal for you. If she was really attracted to you as more than "a friend she cares about," then she'd have already forgotten all about the last guy.

this one friend I've talked to a lot about this says give her 3 weeks before i bring anything up about it again. i guess that sounds reasonable. i dunno...

No, not reasonable at all. It's in her blog for all to see. If she can write about it to everyone, she can talk to you about it. If she's unwilling to talk about it, then there really is no point. And, yes, listen to Franz on this...he already had a similar experience.

and I just remembered that she also asked me to go to a wedding with her in the fall.

Aww...geez...you're her "safe date." When we're expected to bring a date to a wedding, we go with someone who is "just friends" because we know they'll still be around in several months. Only once you've been dating long enough to want to introduce someone to all your relatives do you drag them off to a wedding. Since you're not dating at all, you're the safe guy she's going to drag off to everything when there's nobody else to ask. Sorry, there's no gentle way to put that.

 

[franznietzsche]

Only until you find someone who doesn't put you on the waiting list. In other words, if you have fun hanging out with her, go ahead and do so, but don't stop looking for others and don't pass up other offers. You're not obligated to wait at all as there's no guarantee she'll ever come around. If you find someone else in the meantime, it's her loss. For all you know, as soon as she gets over the last boyfriend, it won't be you she gets over him for. Actually, if she hasn't gotten over him in several months despite you being around, it's looking pretty dismal for you. If she was really attracted to you as more than "a friend she cares about," then she'd have already forgotten all about the last guy.

I very much agree. I don't see a clear path that would allow this situation to turn out well, and I doubt there is one. In my experience, its never good to get emotionally involved with women who are taken at the time (I made that mistake twice in a row. I'm a slow learner). Its just not going to work out, too much baggage involved.

Aww...geez...you're her "safe date." When we're expected to bring a date to a wedding, we go with someone who is "just friends" because we know they'll still be around in several months. Only once you've been dating long enough to want to introduce someone to all your relatives do you drag them off to a wedding. Since you're not dating at all, you're the safe guy she's going to drag off to everything when there's nobody else to ask. Sorry, there's no gentle way to put that.

Very, very good point. Note to self...

 

[Physics is Phun]

damnit! i still haven't talked to her on the phone. everytime I ask her on msn she says she's too busy to talk for long. and she's barely participating. We had a conversation just now where i said something and would've expected a big response but barely got anything, i asked her if she was ok, and she said 'not really, i can't talk now, i have to go'

I don't know what's going on...

 

[Physics is Phun]

Aww...geez...you're her "safe date." When we're expected to bring a date to a wedding, we go with someone who is "just friends" because we know they'll still be around in several months. Only once you've been dating long enough to want to introduce someone to all your relatives do you drag them off to a wedding. Since you're not dating at all, you're the safe guy she's going to drag off to everything when there's nobody else to ask. Sorry, there's no gentle way to put that.

well, we've both "decided" that we're going to stay friends no matter what. now realisically i know this won't happen. she thinks it will, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to handle being friends on my end of the relationship, she doesn't know that though.

 

[franznietzsche]

damnit! i still haven't talked to her on the phone. everytime I ask her on msn she says she's too busy to talk for long. and she's barely participating. We had a conversation just now where i said something and would've expected a big response but barely got anything, i asked her if she was ok, and she said 'not really, i can't talk now, i have to go'

I don't know what's going on...

Yup, things went too fast, she freaked out/not interested in pursuing further. Or at least that's my interpretation. May be confirmation bias. But the way you presented it, it sounds like she's going to feel like you're hounding her about it, which will only drive her away further. Its definitely not good.

well, we've both "decided" that we're going to stay friends no matter what. now realisically i know this won't happen. she thinks it will, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to handle being friends on my end of the relationship, she doesn't know that though.

The fact that you feel that way is a further strike against this working out for you. An inability to just let go and move along is going to make things even worse.

Seriously, the more you post, the more convinced I am. I'm willing to concede I may be missing something in her mind, or simply not interpreting what you're really describing, but given that I'm not the only one with the same impressions, I think this is less likely.

My advice is to just walk away. Its the best thing you can do for your own sake, IMO. Otherwise you'll just drag things out and cause your self more and more heartache (like I did) to no benefit.

 

[Physics is Phun]

yeah, we're done... atleast for a very long time
thanks for all your help everyone. It means so much to me.
I'm out of this thread.

 

[Moonbear]

yeah, we're done... atleast for a very long time
thanks for all your help everyone. It means so much to me.
I'm out of this thread.

Sorry it couldn't have worked out better. If you need a shoulder to cry on...erm...um...or a wall to punch (that's more masculine, right?), just warn us to duck first.

 

[Physics is Phun]

well, this worked out bitter-sweetly.
We're together now, due to the death of one of our close friends. Last week we talked and again, decided (decided meaning she rejected me, and I said everything short of begging to try and change her mind) that we weren't going out. this has been happening for a while. she's all flirty with me, and then the next days she's all, 'i'm sorry, i shouldn't do that, it won't work out'.
But, our friend was killed in a car accident on last week, and now she's saying that our problems of being far apart don't seem to be that big of a deal anymore.
So who knows, we'll see what happens from here on out.

 

[Moonbear]

But, our friend was killed in a car accident on last week, and now she's saying that our problems of being far apart don't seem to be that big of a deal anymore.
So who knows, we'll see what happens from here on out.

I'm very sorry for your loss. It's natural for people to come together following tragedy. No telling if it'll last, but it's good you have each other to lean on through a rough time. If nothing else, it seems you two will remain good friends even if you don't really do well in a romantic relationship.

 

[FrogPad]

Ahhh, I came late into this thread.

well, this worked out bitter-sweetly.
We're together now, due to the death of one of our close friends. Last week we talked and again, decided (decided meaning she rejected me, and I said everything short of begging to try and change her mind) that we weren't going out. this has been happening for a while. she's all flirty with me, and then the next days she's all, 'i'm sorry, i shouldn't do that, it won't work out'.
But, our friend was killed in a car accident on last week, and now she's saying that our problems of being far apart don't seem to be that big of a deal anymore.
So who knows, we'll see what happens from here on out.

... horrible man. Sorry for your loss.

 

[Smurf]

Ah, teenage break-up melodrama. I forgot, you're at that age where every break up is the end of the world and cause for long, long diary entries (now blog entries) expressing how traumatic it all is and how she'll never get over it, etc.

Ah, I remember those days...
Good times, good times.