My friends suck or I am too whiny?

[Cyrus]

I'm right there with you, CQ and johndude! One time, I helped a fellow student with a particularly tricky quantum homework problem. I asked him if he had solved one that I couldn't get - he said, no.

Come to find out that yes, he had solved it but didn't want to share it with me. The physics department I went to was SO freaking competitive. Dog eat dog...it wasn't pleasant at all.

I didn't make any friends in college. Work life, yes - many, many friends. So hang in there johndude! If you like helping people it shows that you are a good person!

Yikes, I would have transferred out of there pronto!

 

[Poop-Loops]

For the last time, I'm not diagnosing him. I just think it would be easier for him to go seek help if he knew that his symptoms were part of something bigger.

Like I said before, I had depression but refused to get help, because I thought my problems would go away or that they weren't real problem. I was afraid that if I went to get help, the doc would say "You're fine." or worse, think I was making it up. It wasn't until I found out that yes, I had some major problems that I decided to get help.

 

[johndude222]

Well, in my university, you can only be tutor if you have already taken a course..

I like helping people when I am taking the same course as them but tutoring someone on stuff I learned ages ago isn't something I like to do.

* Emotional coldness, detachment or reduced affection.

Not sure if I am cold or detached. I do feel sorry for other people and stuff.
* Limited capacity to express either positive or negative emotions towards others.
Yeah, one of the things I can never do is express my negative opinions towards others. I keep those to my self.
* Consistent preference for solitary activities.
Yeah, I hang out alone usually. Not by choice but I am quite poor and can't afford school residence. So I am force to live in some cheap place with poor heating and rather far from campus. I used to live with my mom in high school but now I live by myself.

* Very few (if any) close friends or relationships, and a lack of desire for such.
I do desire it, is just I don't have them. Trust me, I would do anything to have a close friend.

* Indifference to either praise or criticism.
If someone say thanks or say I am awesome or somethign like that when I help them, I am happy for the rest of the day.
* Taking pleasure in few, if any, activities.
Yeah that's probably true.
* Indifference to social norms and conventions.
Yeah, I don't know much about social norms and conventions. I came from a different country about 9 years ago.
* Preoccupation with fantasy and introspection.
Fantasy? Yeah, sometimes I dream myself as a big bad warrior and I used to play fantasy games.
* Lack of desire for sexual experiences with another person.
I am all for sex. At first I was rather disturbed by it but now sometimes I can't think about while I am bored. I never had sex though.

 

[CaptainQuasar]

I understand Poop-loops and it was a good idea to bring up some of the clinical symptoms of depression. I think what confused the rest of us is that you started posing questions instead of just saying, “by the way, here's a list of symptoms of clinical depression.”

⚛​

 

[lisab]

Yikes, I would have transferred out of there pronto!

I was just focused on graduating. I did get a GREAT education, which is what I went there for. I didn't go there to make friends.

 

[Moonbear]

I'm right there with you, CQ and johndude! One time, I helped a fellow student with a particularly tricky quantum homework problem. I asked him if he had solved one that I couldn't get - he said, no.

Come to find out that yes, he had solved it but didn't want to share it with me. The physics department I went to was SO freaking competitive. Dog eat dog...it wasn't pleasant at all.

I didn't make any friends in college. Work life, yes - many, many friends. So hang in there johndude! If you like helping people it shows that you are a good person!

Yikes, I would have transferred out of there pronto!

Nah, just means you have to meet people outside your department. One place I worked, I had very little in common with any of my coworkers. They were either sports fanatics (beyond fans...everything they did seemed to revolve around sports...and folks know how NOT into sports I am) or they were married with kids and only did things that revolved around kid-friendly activities, or didn't go out at all because it was a hassle for them to get sitters. I so didn't fit in with them. But, that just meant work was for working, and I went elsewhere to play.

That's really the main point. If you're not making friends where you are, go someplace else and meet different people.

 

[binzing]

Your "friends"=moochers
Anyways, I like the private tutor idea, you could even get some money like that.

 

[CaptainQuasar]

I am all for sex.

I'm all for sex too! What a coincidence. See, this club does have a lot in common.

⚛​

 

[Moonbear]

I came from a different country about 9 years ago.

Aha! Now we're getting information that might be helpful. Moving to a new country and adapting to a new culture can make it more challenging to make friends for a while.

Does your school have an international students association, or anything like that? Or what about a club for other students from your country of origin? You might find yourself more comfortable around people who have more in common with your cultural background, at least until you adjust better to American culture (then again 9 years isn't really a short time to be here...you've got to get out and experience the culture to learn to adapt to it).

 

[johndude222]

Yeah some of the people I helped offered me money but I refused. I don't help people for money. If they offer me money that's kinda bad cause now I have to make sure that I am tutoring their money's worth. I just help people cause I am bored and one of those big thank yous I get make me smile and feel good about myself.

Yeah, i feel sorry myself about once every two weeks. Other times I am too busy with other stuff to work about it. I only did it today cause my birthday was a couple days ago. Then today I helped one of my friends with her research stuff. After I did that, she left without saying bye or anything. We were studying in the library, I went downstairs to do some quiet reading. I came back and she is gone. No notes or text messages. Just went poof.. so yeah I wasn't too happy.

 

[johndude222]

Well I am asian. I don't like hang out with other asians cause the asians don't get along too well. We are too competitive with each other.

You would think that asians should hang out together right.. well one of the things I was taught was that asians are worse than the europeans. Asians backstab and they do it hard and cold. (I experienced a couple of backstabs) So I avoid asians generally. Oh, and I hate those chatty asians girls that never shut up. Annoying me so much.

 

[CaptainQuasar]

Not by choice but I am quite poor and can't afford school residence. So I am force to live in some cheap place with poor heating and rather far from campus.

You're perfectly set up to construct a total babe lair. “There's no furniture… so we'll have to sit on the bed. And sorry it's chilly, baby, but we can press our bodies together for warmth.”

Have you seen http://www.imdb.com/media/rm4118060288/tt0396269" ? It's like a documentary for doing this. Especially the part about cruising for women at funerals.

⚛​

 

[johndude222]

Yeah seen it. Except it isn't real and those guys look pretty good. They didn't need to take much effort to get women to fall for them.. and what's with that girl- the crazy one.. man I don't think people like that exist. She is way to dependent.

 

[Poop-Loops]

I understand Poop-loops and it was a good idea to bring up some of the clinical symptoms of depression. I think what confused the rest of us is that you started posing questions instead of just saying, “by the way, here's a list of symptoms of clinical depression.”

⚛​

Sorry if I made you all think I am diagnosing him. I'm not that delusional.

And those aren't symptoms for depression, those are symptoms for something called Schizoid Personality Disorder.

This is something I have realized that I have, so I've done some research into it. The way he described himself, it sounded a lot like me, so I figured I'd ask him about it.

If you want to know more, you can wikipedia it, but it's not exactly a disease or something that will kill you. It's more of a personality style.

Anyway, go see a counselor or a psychiatrist. I'd skip the GP if at all possible, because they'll likely just give you some pills and hope you don't bother them anymore or just refer you to a psychiatrist anyway.

 

[CaptainQuasar]

Oh, I'm just kidding johndude. You don't want to really crash funerals looking for women. And women do appreciate a man with HVAC and furniture.

I would say, look for people who are so completely messed up that they don't notice you're Asian. Make a solid core of friends in the fringes and then branch out.

⚛​

 

[johndude222]

What's GP. yeah I looked up Schizoid Personality Disorder too a while back.I don't think I am like that cause I do like hang out with people.

I am only secluded because I don't fit in you know. Nerdy asian kid with glasses, hard to fit in with those big jocks and their girlfriends.

A while back I seriously thought of hitting up girls for sex or something like everyone else I known. Then i realized it is kinda weird for a nerdy asian kid to do it. Besides, that isn't me. I like sex as much as every other guy on Earth but seeing girls as sex objects is kinda wrong.

Yeah i am pretty screwed up.

 

[Poop-Loops]

Counseling will help. Just having someone to talk to about all these issues takes a huge load off your shoulders.

Moreover, you don't have to be a jock to have a girlfriend. Most (straight) guys have a girlfriend at one point or another. 2 of my fellow physics major friends have girlfriends. You just need to be confident.

Here, read over this:

http://www.heartless-*****es.com/rants/niceguys/ng.shtml

EDIT: Okay, so the link is filtered. Instead of the *'s, put in the "B-word". For those who are suddenly apprehensive, don't worry, the site is nothing bad or degrading to women. It's run BY women who are tired of being stereotyped. That particular page opened up my eyes to how I was.

 

[lisab]

GP is General Practitioner, a type of medical doctor. I think they're also known as Family Physicians, or Primary Care Physicians.

 

[CaptainQuasar]

Okay, so the link is filtered. Instead of the *'s, put in the "B-word".

Yay vBulletin. Thanks for protecting us from ourselves.

⚛​

 

[sas3]

You can have some of my "wanabe" friends, I have the opposite problem I love to be alone but I have lots of people wanting to get close to me.

 

[moe darklight]

Johndude. Right now you're lower on the social food-chain than plankton. If you want to climb your way to the top you got to grow some fangs and use them every once in a while.

Stop wanting to get people to like you by being nicer to them than they are to you. This is what we call a doormat. These people aren't your friends, and next time they have an assignment they need help with, what you do is you smile at them, politely ask them to ____ your ____ (you can be creative here), and walk away.

I'm not saying be an a-hole; I'm saying don't be afraid to have someone think you are one. Because right now you strike me as the kind of guy who talks in a constantly apologetic tone, as if you have to ask permission just to breathe same air as everyone else in the room.

Being ugly (if you are) has nothing to do with not getting girls.

Being a nice guy means respecting other people and helping them out when they truly need it. That's good.

Being a doormat means giving people respect they don't give you, and doing work for them that they are too lazy to do themselves.

If someone asks you to do something for them that you think is unreasonable, just say "no." Don't sound like you're apologizing. Look at them straight in the eye and say "no." They might think you're an a-hole. So? There's nothing wrong with offending people. Stop trying to please everyone.

Right now don't even worry about getting people to like you or making friends; worry about getting people to respect you, because it sounds like you've lost all respect. Once you have your classmates' respect, then you can worry about which ones you consider your friends.

 

[Poop-Loops]

PROTIP: One way to get respect is to act as if you already have it.

No, that doesn't mean go around being cocky, it just means carry yourself like you are worth something.

 

[moe darklight]

I just carry around a leather glove to smack people with and challenge them to duels.

 

[johndude222]

Man, I just learned what a door mat is. Never heard of that term before. I didn't known been nice could be bad. Kk, I need to start learning how to say no. One last thing, you guys sure being door mat is 100% bad? Just need one last confirmation.

 

[CaptainQuasar]

One last thing, you guys sure being door mat is 100% bad? Just need one last confirmation.

Not 100% bad. Here's a nifty maxim concerning this, supposedly of http://books.google.com/books?id=hm...s=VicaeKJHGh&sig=hVCQXch7aRYYwcDTk0s1ISXR-MQ":

“For all your days prepare,
And meet them ever alike:
When you are the anvil, bear.
When you are the hammer, strike.”​

You must cultivate http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gravitas" , the art of doing the right thing at the right time in the right manner, like the Zen archer does.

⚛​

 

[cristo]

Man, I just learned what a door mat is. Never heard of that term before. I didn't known been nice could be bad. Kk, I need to start learning how to say no. One last thing, you guys sure being door mat is 100% bad? Just need one last confirmation.

Being nice is not bad, but there's a difference between being nice and being completely used. At the moment, from reading your comments in this thread, you fall into the latter bracket. I can't see how being completely used can ever not be 100% bad. You need to distance yourself from these people who only see you as "the guy who sits in the library doing their homework while they're off having fun" and start making real friends; that is, people who enjoy your company.

 

[johndude222]

Huh ok. then why do they teach you all those chivalry stuff in school when you are a kid? I meant I was taught is good to be super nice to people.

The knight in shiny armor who is always nice to his ladies is suppose to be the ultimate role model. (Fights a beast but always super gentle to his ladies whatever)

So all the stuff I learned is fake and don't work in the real world?

Also about the comment regarding zen archer, how do I know when it is time to be nice and when it is time to give them the finger?

 

[cristo]

The knight in shiny armor who is always nice to his ladies is suppose to be the ultimate role model. (Fights a beast but always super gentle to his ladies whatever)

Yes, but that knight in shining armour realizes that princesses who only talk to him when there is a dragon outside their castle are not the ones that he risks his life to save!

 

[johndude222]

Ah, that makes sense.

Thing is.. when people don't use me as a doormat sometimes, I feel pretty depressed. I feel like the reason they don't asks me for help is because I am not good at this stuff. When I am been used a door mat, I actually feel happy for the time being. Isn't that weird?

Also, there is a really smart girl on the discussion boards. I always had respect for her posts and stuff and the stuff she write is pretty good. She sometimes asks for help once in a while (most of the time she gives out help) and I usually try to be the first one to respond to her post whatever. Should I try and meet up with this girl? cause this is someone that I am really interested in. The reason I go on discussion boards is cause I am lonely and kinda want praises from other people when I help them with so and so homework question. She spend the same amount of time on the discussion boards as I do so I would assume she is in the same situation? If so, we do have a lot in common.

 

[CaptainQuasar]

The knight in shiny armor who is always nice to his ladies is suppose to be the ultimate role model. (Fights a beast but always super gentle to his ladies whatever)

So all the stuff I learned is fake and don't work in the real world?

You're talking about a mythological archetype: the man who is the ultimate paragon of virtue and is essentially a warrior-monk of perfect asceticism and character. The knight's love for his lady is a chaste love-from-afar. He plays the noble servant to his lady as he does to his liege. He might rescue the girl but he doesn't get the girl. And when he does it's a failure on his part, a corruption of purity: see Lancelot and Guinevere (that one symbolically brings about the end of the world and plunges Britain into the Dark Ages, by the way).

The knight is a role model for those whose cause is more important than their own wants and their own lives. It's not the way for someone who's going to live their own life.

Also about the comment regarding zen archer, how do I know when it is time to be nice and when it is time to give them the finger?

Cultivating the acumen and the reflexes to do this is the task of a lifetime. So I'm not very far along in it myself. But I'll give it a try:

I think it basically amounts to developing the skill of being able to anticipate what other people really need and want, and how they'll react to you, regardless of what they're literally saying or how they're acting. And also anticipating what you can get out of them and what their reaction to you doing that will be.

Another part of it is divorcing your own feelings, your pride or jealously or self-consciousness or embarrassment, from those estimations of other people. It's not that you're not supposed to have those feelings, it's that you need to prevent them from ruling your social interactions.

Be nice when someone else really needs you, not when you're internally hoping to trade being nice for reciprocal treatment. That kind of trade can happen but it needs to start with small reciprocated gestures before moving on to real selflessness. And always apologize and make sincere amends when you've wrongly given someone the finger - don't hold on to your pride.

 

[cristo]

Ah, that makes sense.

Thing is.. when people don't use me as a doormat sometimes, I feel pretty depressed. I feel like the reason they don't asks me for help is because I am not good at this stuff. When I am been used a door mat, I actually feel happy for the time being. Isn't that weird?

It's not weird to feel happy when you've helped someone, but I would venture a guess that it is your definition of "help" that is wrong. You think that by letting people walk all over you that you are doing a good deed and thus that's why you feel happy, but in reality you are not doing yourself a good deed!

As for the depression, I think you should seriously consider seeking professional help.

Also, there is a really smart girl on the discussion boards. I always had respect for her posts and stuff and the stuff she write is pretty good. She sometimes asks for help once in a while (most of the time she gives out help) and I usually try to be the first one to respond to her post whatever. Should I try and meet up with this girl? cause this is someone that I am really interested in.

No. You should go and seek help first before trying to build relationships with someone.

The reason I go on discussion boards is cause I am lonely and kinda want praises from other people when I help them with so and so homework question. She spend the same amount of time on the discussion boards as I do so I would assume she is in the same situation? If so, we do have a lot in common.

This would be a mighty assumption to make, and is more than likely to be wrong. There are many people who come on PF and help people with homework, but I doubt that many (and definitely not all) do it because they are lonely and need praise. I for one help students with their homework for many reasons, mainly because it is rewarding to see improvements in students work, and also because I think PF is a great idea, and something I would have benefited from a lot when I was younger, had it been around/had I found it. Anyway, the point of this rambling is that you should not assume that she helps out for any of the same reasons that you do.

Finally, to repeat the common theme of the post, please seek professional help!

 

[CaptainQuasar]

Also, there is a really smart girl on the discussion boards. I always had respect for her posts and stuff and the stuff she write is pretty good. She sometimes asks for help once in a while (most of the time she gives out help) and I usually try to be the first one to respond to her post whatever. Should I try and meet up with this girl? cause this is someone that I am really interested in. The reason I go on discussion boards is cause I am lonely and kinda want praises from other people when I help them with so and so homework question. She spend the same amount of time on the discussion boards as I do so I would assume she is in the same situation? If so, we do have a lot in common.

I would say just try flirting with her first. If she responds positively - and be bold when you're judging whether she's responding positively, don't second-guess yourself - then decide what to do from there.

I don't know if you're a Star Trek fan or not but there's this episode of the Next Generation (Oh God, that premiered more than twenty years ago now. That's like a gut wound.) where Data plays this incredibly complicated board game with an alien ambassador and finds that he can't win if he just tries to do everything perfectly. In the end he has to adopt the strategy of playing to achieve a stalemate before he gets anywhere. That's the sort of thing.

⚛​

 

[johndude222]

Yeah I am seeing a counselor tomorrow.

Well, the thing is you are no longer a student so the reason for you to help others is a bit different no? For someone -student- to spend so much time on the discussion boards, is it wrong to assume that she at least have something in common? By my reasoning logic, it seems highly probable no?

If I have something else to do, I wouldn't spend so much time on the discussion boards. Could be just me.

 

[Huckleberry]

I wouldn't just write off any possibility of friendship with these people. There is a pattern of them using you, but you are partly responsible for that pattern as well because you allowed it to happen. It isn't worth getting upset at someone when you haven't told them that what they are doing bothers you, but you continue to do it anyway.

Rather, tell them what is bothering you. Tell them you would be willing to help them with their assignments, but you will not do their assignments for them anymore. Show them how to do it, but allow them to learn from doing it themselves. If they accept this compromise then they have some respect for you. If they suddenly don't want to be friends with you anymore then they are only using you. Being trusting and considerate aren't faults. You are only a sucker if you know people are using you, but allow it to happen regardless.

 

[proton]

johndude, you seem similar to me - 20 yr old asian who can't make friends easily, except I'm lucky enough to not have met people who are using me

i learned that in college, since there's so many people, you have to be really aggressive in making friends - you can't expect them to come up to you

i can't really offer much advice since I'm still really working on my social life