I can't comment on the particular argument against extra dimensions which you present here, but one of the top people at Princeton, Paul Steinhardt, has written about ways to constrain or even rule out extra dimensions based on cosmology observations---parameters of cosmological models determined by data-fitting.
You might be interested in looking at these papers because they have the same research goal, ruling out XD's.
http://arxiv.org/abs/0811.1614
Dark Energy, Inflation and Extra Dimensions
Paul J. Steinhardt, Daniel Wesley
26 pages, 1 figure.
(Submitted on 11 Nov 2008)
"We consider how accelerated expansion, whether due to inflation or dark energy, imposes strong constraints on fundamental theories obtained by compactification from higher dimensions. For theories that obey the null energy condition (NEC), we find that inflationary cosmology is impossible for a wide range of compactifications; and a dark energy phase consistent with observations is only possible if both Newton's gravitational constant and the dark energy equation-of-state vary with time. If the theory violates the NEC, inflation and dark energy are only possible if the NEC-violating elements are inhomogeneously distributed in thecompact dimensions and vary with time in precise synchrony with the matter and energy density in the non-compact dimensions. Although our proofs are derived assuming general relativity applies in both four and higher dimensions and certain forms of metrics, we argue that similar constraints must apply for more general compactifications."
http://arxiv.org/abs/1003.2815
Exploring extra dimensions through observational tests of dark energy and varying Newton's constant
Paul J. Steinhardt, Daniel Wesley
27 pages, 11 figures.
(Submitted on 14 Mar 2010)
"We recently presented a series of dark energy theorems that place constraints on the equation of state of dark energy w
DE, the time-variation of Newton's constant G', and the violation of energy conditions in theories with extra dimensions. In this paper, we explore how current and future measurements of w
DE and G' can be used to
place tight limits on large classes of these theories (including some of the most well-motivated examples) independent of the size of the extra dimensions. As an example, we show that models with conformally Ricci-flat metrics obeying the null energy condition (a common ansatz for Kaluza-Klein and string constructions) are highly constrained by current data and may be ruled out entirely by future dark energy and pulsar observations."
We had a thread about the 2008 paper soon after it came out. No need to get bogged in technical detail. Steinhardt's papers have a good introduction at the beginning that gives the general gist, and then summary and overview at the end. Plus feel free to ask us for intuitive interpretation and paraphrase, as needed. The papers are fairly comprehensible as they are, but we can try to explicate if anyone wants.
As I recall the essential is that if good old Gen Rel that we know and love governs the rolled-ups as well as the visible space dimensions, then during both episodes of accelerated expansion (early U inflation and today's dark energy acceleration) the rolled-ups will not be stable, will either tend to come undone, or at least behave in ways having observable effects on the acceleration rate.
Steinhardt is a world-class physicist who make significant contribution to String back when it was a hot subject (e.g. 1990s) and used to like extra dimensions (even used them in cosmological modeling back in the day!) but now seems to be taking a different view. Interests appeared to have shifted in the 2000s.
Two earlier papers by Wesley about this:
http://arxiv.org/abs/0802.2106
http://arxiv.org/abs/0802.3214