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New consumer laws and more

  1. Jul 31, 2003 #1
    New Consumer Laws

    The combination of modern physics and consumer protection laws leads to a
    new wave of
    product labeling.

    NOTICE: Due To Its Mass, This Product
    Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.

    WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Object in the universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a
    Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses Divided by the Square of the Distance Between Them.

    CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of
    TNT per Net Ounce of Weight. The
    Manufacturer warrants that this product
    is to be used only
    as matter and will not be responsible
    for injury or damage if it is converted
    into energy.

    HANDLE WITH CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles
    Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.

    CONSUMER NOTICE: Due to the
    "Uncertainty Principle,
    " it is impossible for the User to
    know precisely and simultaneously where
    this product is located and how fast it is moving.

    ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Remote
    Chance That, Through a Process Know as
    "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and
    Reappear at Any Other Place in the
    Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The for Any
    Damage or Inconvenience That May Result.

    READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested Versions of the
    Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting this Product May Decay to
    Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.

    In the Unlikely Event
    That This Merchandise Should
    Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.
    The Manufacturer cannot be held
    responsible for resulting injury or

    Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner
    Whatsoever, Will Increase the Aggregate Amount of Disorder in the Universe.
    Although No Liability Is Assumed Herein,
    the Consumer Is Warned
    That This Process Will Ultimately Lead
    to a state of "Warm Death" of the Universe.

    NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in
    This Product Are Held Together by a
    "Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power, therefore, Can Not Be Guaranteed Indefinitely. No responsibility is
    therefore assumed for the structural integrity
    of this product.

    ATTENTION: Notwithstanding Any Listing
    of Product Contents Found Hereupon,
    the Consumer is Advised That This
    Product Actually
    Consists of 99.9999999999% Empty Space.

    While the Manufacturer is Technically
    Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional,
    the Consumer Is Reminded That This
    Confers No Legal Rights Above and
    Beyond Those Applicable to Three-
    Dimensional Objects,
    Since the Seven New Dimensions Are
    "Rolled Up"
    into Such a Small "Area" That They
    Cannot Be Detected.

    PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics
    Theories Suggest
    That, When Unobserved, This
    Product May Cease to Exist or May
    Exist Only in a
    Vague and Undetermined State.
    Therefore all warranties are in effect
    only while this product is under the
    direct observation of a
    human being.

    Subatomic Particles (Electrons,
    Protons, etc.)
    Comprising This Product Are Exactly the
    Same in Every Measurable Respect as
    Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and Competitors'
    Claims to the Contrary are neither
    Justified nor Legitimate.

    HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken
    When Lifting This Product, Since Its
    Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is
    Dependent on Its Velocity
    Relative to the User. The manufacturer
    cannot be held liable for injury or
    damage resulting from relativistic mass increase.

    IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe,Including This
    Product, May One Day Collapse Back
    into an Infinitesimally Small Space.
    Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This
    Product in That Universe, and its
    performance and suitability for any
    purpose, Cannot Be Guaranteed.
  2. jcsd
  3. Jul 31, 2003 #2
    Relativity and Quantum Physics.
    The two foundations that we base our entire knowledge of the universe on.
    Both are true and mutually exclusive.
    Proof that there is a higher power, and he is insane.
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