New consumer laws and more

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New Consumer Laws

The combination of modern physics and consumer protection laws leads to a
new wave of
product labeling.


NOTICE: Due To Its Mass, This Product
Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.

WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Object in the universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a
Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses Divided by the Square of the Distance Between Them.

CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of
TNT per Net Ounce of Weight. The
Manufacturer warrants that this product
is to be used only
as matter and will not be responsible
for injury or damage if it is converted
into energy.

HANDLE WITH CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles
Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.

CONSUMER NOTICE: Due to the
"Uncertainty Principle,
" it is impossible for the User to
know precisely and simultaneously where
this product is located and how fast it is moving.

ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Remote
Chance That, Through a Process Know as
"Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and
Reappear at Any Other Place in the
Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The for Any
Damage or Inconvenience That May Result.

READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested Versions of the
Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting this Product May Decay to
Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.

THIS PRODUCT IS 100% MATTER:
In the Unlikely Event
That This Merchandise Should
Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.
The Manufacturer cannot be held
responsible for resulting injury or
damages.

PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW:
Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner
Whatsoever, Will Increase the Aggregate Amount of Disorder in the Universe.
Although No Liability Is Assumed Herein,
the Consumer Is Warned
That This Process Will Ultimately Lead
to a state of "Warm Death" of the Universe.

NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in
This Product Are Held Together by a
"Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power, therefore, Can Not Be Guaranteed Indefinitely. No responsibility is
therefore assumed for the structural integrity
of this product.

ATTENTION: Notwithstanding Any Listing
of Product Contents Found Hereupon,
the Consumer is Advised That This
Product Actually
Consists of 99.9999999999% Empty Space.


NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER:
While the Manufacturer is Technically
Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional,
the Consumer Is Reminded That This
Confers No Legal Rights Above and
Beyond Those Applicable to Three-
Dimensional Objects,
Since the Seven New Dimensions Are
"Rolled Up"
into Such a Small "Area" That They
Cannot Be Detected.

PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics
Theories Suggest
That, When Unobserved, This
Product May Cease to Exist or May
Exist Only in a
Vague and Undetermined State.
Therefore all warranties are in effect
only while this product is under the
direct observation of a
human being.

COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The
Subatomic Particles (Electrons,
Protons, etc.)
Comprising This Product Are Exactly the
Same in Every Measurable Respect as
Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and Competitors'
Claims to the Contrary are neither
Justified nor Legitimate.

HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken
When Lifting This Product, Since Its
Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is
Dependent on Its Velocity
Relative to the User. The manufacturer
cannot be held liable for injury or
damage resulting from relativistic mass increase.

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe,Including This
Product, May One Day Collapse Back
into an Infinitesimally Small Space.
Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This
Product in That Universe, and its
performance and suitability for any
purpose, Cannot Be Guaranteed.
 
196
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Relativity and Quantum Physics.
The two foundations that we base our entire knowledge of the universe on.
Both are true and mutually exclusive.
Proof that there is a higher power, and he is insane.
 

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