Responding what when someone calls you

[DaveC426913]

You were supposed to ask them what they thought of Highlander - The Source.

In a slightly astonishing coincidence, as I read this post, I am watching Highlander.

 

[Moonbear]

In my office we often call out the name of a co-worker to ask a question. If someone responded with "what?" it would be considered rude, it would come across sounding like they are annoyed. I have never heard anyone I work with respond with "what?".

Don't you think tone of voice has a lot more to do with it than the word chosen? I'm pretty sure that if I'm annoyed, answering, "Yes?" would come across sounding just as annoyed as, "What?"

 

[rootX]

I never heard anyone saying "what" in response at my work/school, "yea?"/"yes, what's up?" are used more often.

 

[Moonbear]

"What?" Is short-hand for "What do you want?" If I called your name and you responded "What do you want?" I would immediately question (justifiably) whether I am irritating you.

Why? I would assume that if someone is calling my name, they do indeed want my attention for something, so why is it rude to immediately inquire what it is that they want? Is it that it violates the silly rule of bringing up three unrelated topics before getting to the point of what you really want to ask someone?

Of course, it may be situation-dependent. If one of my coworkers hollers my name down the hallway to catch my attention, I don't think there's problem with hollering back down the hallway, "What?"

On the other hand, if someone were at a customer service counter at a store, and dings the little "ring bell for service" bell, and the person behind the counter responds, "What?" instead of "How may I help you?" then yes, that would be rude. Then again, under such circumstances, I'd consider the response, "Yes?" to be rude as well.

That has to do with the level of familiarity one has with you. I figure if someone knows you by name to call you, you have an established level of familiarity to not have to worry about formalities such as "How may I help you?" In fact, I'm pretty sure if one of my coworkers hollered my name down the hallway, and I responded with a formal, "How may I help you?" they would be sure I was mad at them for something that I was being so sarcastic.

 

[DaveC426913]

Why? I would assume that if someone is calling my name, they do indeed want my attention for something, so why is it rude to immediately inquire what it is that they want?

Immediately inquire what they want with "yes?".

 

[Moonbear]

Immediately inquire what they want with "yes?".

"Yes" is a response in the affirmative, not a question. I'm not answering "Yes," until I know what they want. As it is, the custodian on my floor already gives me grief because everytime he knocks on my door, I answer, "Yes?" Now when I know it's him (I can usually hear the wheels on the trash bin rolling down the hall), I answer, "Come in." But, hey, sometimes I want to know who's at the door before I invite them in.

 

[Astronuc]

If someone was to call upon me, I would probably respond "Yes?" as an acknowledgment. If however, I didn't catch the initial call immediately I might respond, "Pardon me" or "Excuse me".

My parents taught me to say "I beg your pardon", which I used until I shortened to "Pardon me", which seems more common in the US.

 

[alxm]

Immediately inquire what they want with "yes?".

So answering "Yes?" regardless of how you say it, is not rude, whereas answering "What?" is rude regardless?

That's plain ridiculous. It also undermines the whole reason that was stated for why 'What?' would supposedly be rude.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

Anyway, it is clear that it doesn't bother you but it does bother other people. If the world worked such that we all only worried about what bothers ourselves and dismissed what bothers the rest of the world, well, it would be a pretty unhappy place.

I think a lot of people are unhappy because they allow things such as this to bother them regardless of the intent. If more people stopped trying to assign intent to words instead of the person they might be able to get along with others better.

 

[Moonbear]

I think a lot of people are unhappy because they allow things such as this to bother them regardless of the intent. If more people stopped trying to assign intent to words instead of the person they might be able to get along with others better.

Very well stated!

 

[DaveC426913]

I think a lot of people are unhappy because they allow things such as this to bother them regardless of the intent. If more people stopped trying to assign intent to words instead of the person they might be able to get along with others better.

Move the onus back one step. Let's speak politely, then no one will have to assess intent.

 

[Moonbear]

Move the onus back one step. Let's speak politely, then no one will have to assess intent.

But how one defines "politely" is based on their assessment of intent.

 

[DaveC426913]

That's plain ridiculous.

You give no reason for this.

How many phosphor trees were cut down so you could post this waste of screen space?

Elaborate.

 

[Huckleberry]

Move the onus back one step. Let's speak politely, then no one will have to assess intent.

If I had to choose between the two I would rather speak freely than politely. Assessing intent is a vital social skill even without language. It's unavoidable regardless of the words that are said. I'd rather someone be genuine in their expression than formally polite. Politeness can also mask malicious intent. The formality of a greeting does not negate the need for assessing intent.

If I were speaking to someone older, or in a position of authority, or in most cases any stranger, I would use a more formal approach. From my experience people who are older than I am seem more comfortable with a formal response. People in authority become bothersome if they have any reason to believe they aren't receiving respect. It can sometimes be difficult to know how strangers will respond to informal speech. So in these cases I stick with the formal politeness, though I don't particularly care for speaking that way.

If I'm talking with someone I know then "what?" is a perfectly acceptable response, though I usually say "yeah?" or "What's up?". The tone of the response trasmits the message behind the words. In fact, I could just grunt at them and they could know my general mood and level of interest in whatever they had to say. When it comes to expressing or interpreting intent, words alone are meaningless. Communication is contextual referencing. I enjoy the diverse ways that language can be connected to meaning. I don't see informality of speech as a degradation of language or politeness at all; merely an unfamiliar linguistic or cultural evolution.

 

[Evo]

When the only thing you have said is the person's name, an inquisitive "what?" would sound out of place, it would infer that hearing their name confused them and they need clarification. A plain "what?" comes across as "just tell me what you want". If you say someone's name a simple "yes?" signals that they are available and ready to hear your question. These are very basic verbal signals.

To me answering "what?" means "what do you want?", if that's the person's response to me, I'd respond "nevermind".

me: Dave?
Dave: What do you want?

or

me: Dave?
Dave: yes?, I'm listening

 

[Oscar Wilde]

This is interesting. Sometimes words can be misunderstood; the other day I had an awkward experience when I replied "huh" to a question I thought was from a peer...it was the teacher. The intentions are perfectly fine, I'm sure not many who respond "what" are actually trying to be antagonistic.

 

[WhiteTim]

Peccadillos make us who we are?

To illustrate that point, spitting in many areas can carry fines. I doubt the use of "What?" could ever be punished.

Responding what when someone calls you is merely (and unequivocally!) bad manners. I never said that it is a crime.

 

[WhiteTim]

Yet, as far as I can tell, people still know how to write and speak and spell and behave towards everyone.

No; A lot of people don't...That's why I posted this thread.

I've seen "What?" used in movies, books

Yes; in movies and books characters often respond "what?" when someone calls them because they are depicting people as (possibly inadvertently) acting rude. People in real life speak rudely too. It's a realistic depiction. I've seen robberies, murders, and all types of crimes in movies too, but I don't think that means that robbing someone is not a crime.

courtrooms...

I haven't.

 

[WhiteTim]

In my office we often call out the name of a co-worker to ask a question. If someone responded with "what?" it would be considered rude, it would come across sounding like they are annoyed. I have never heard anyone I work with respond with "what?".

I'm glad some people here agree with me.

 

[WhoWee]

Rude...YES...but at least they're listening (I have kids).

 

[OAQfirst]

Responding what when someone calls you is merely (and unequivocally!) bad manners. I never said that it is a crime.

Can you follow a conversation? I wasn't referring to anything you wrote.

No; A lot of people don't...That's why I posted this thread.

You think I was covering every single person around?

Yes; in movies and books characters often respond "what?" when someone calls them because they are depicting people as (possibly inadvertently) acting rude. People in real life speak rudely too. It's a realistic depiction. I've seen robberies, murders, and all types of crimes in movies too, but I don't think that means that robbing someone is not a crime.

This looks like a strawman.

Please consider the context that I wrote these posts - in reply to DaveC426913

I haven't.

I have.

 

[WhiteTim]

So, does this mean I've been rude to people 24,040 times in my life?

Yes.

"What?" is so predominant now, it's hard to rationalize it as a rude response anymore.

Nonsense.

I've never thought anyone was being rude to me with that reply.

If you didn't know it was rude for you to respond to people with it, I kind of figured that you wouldn't think someone was being rude to you with that reply.

 

[WhiteTim]

Because it is a great stretch for me to see it as rude in any way. Related to the regional social environment and experiences, I suppose.

I don't think so.

 

[SticksandStones]

How the hell is replying "what" rude? My god if this is all people have to worry about no wonder the world is like it is.

 

[Evo]

How the hell is replying "what" rude? My god if this is all people have to worry about no wonder the world is like it is.

It's abrupt and dismissive. When you work and live closely with others, rules of etiquette are important.

 

[Huckleberry]

If you didn't know it was rude for you to respond to people with it, I kind of figured that you wouldn't think someone was being rude to you with that reply.

If both people in this conversation don't imply any rudeness from it, then it isn't rude. It may be bad manners, but many people have no desire to adhere to custom amongst their friends and peers. What people say amongst themselves is their own business and doesn't relate to you personally besides as an indication of changing customs. Bad manners aren't inherently malicious.

If someone speaks to you this way and you make it clear that you perceive it as rudeness, and they continue to respond similarly, then you can be sure that their intentions are malicious. This is more than just bad manners. It would be fair to consider it a personal attack.

The intent is unchanged, but the standards that define it change. The accepted way of doing things tomorrow will not be the same as they were yesterday. Today we deal with the conflict inherent in change. Every generation has its day. Because travel and communication are made so much easier today you can expect culture to change rapidly worldwide. Personally, I'm far more concerned with people's intentions than the standards we use to define and influence their behaviour. I don't think the new generations like being defined and influenced by the older ones. You can dance around it or stumble over it, but you can't stop the world from changing.

 

[BobG]

Personally, I like the "manners" lesson that takes place in the barber shop in "Gran Torino".

 

[OAQfirst]

Yes.

This is all assuming that it is rude to begin with. As you apparently haven't noticed, there are some here who don't share your opinion. Where two people use the same word in reply, would you still describe them as being rude to each other?

Nonsense.

As you apparently haven't noticed, there are some here who don't share your opinion.

If you didn't know it was rude for you to respond to people with it, I kind of figured that you wouldn't think someone was being rude to you with that reply.

This is all assuming that it is rude to begin with. As you apparently haven't noticed, there are some here who don't share your opinion. Where two people use the same word in reply, would you still describe them as being rude to each other?

I don't think so.

As you apparently haven't noticed, there are some here who don't share your opinion.
I know where you stand. You know where I stand. Anything else?

 

[Huckleberry]

Personally, I like the "manners" lesson that takes place in the barber shop in "Gran Torino".

Great scene! Now that's love.

 

[Jack21222]

One could say the same thing about spitting on the ground. It is so predominant now it's hard for people to remember when spitting was a vile, disgusting and unhygienic habit.

Oh wait. Some of us haven't forgotten.

No, swallowing my sinus drainage is the disgusting and unhygenic habit.

I had gastrointestinal problems for years growing up because my parents wouldn't let me spit out the mucus that was draining from my sinuses into my stomach. After a pediatrician told them why I was likely having these problems, they didn't have a problem with me spitting.

What alternative do you suggest? Do I jeopardize my own health so random strangers (whom I'll never see again in my life) don't think me "disgusting?"

EDIT: I didn't mention that I have chronic seasonal allergy problems, I'm allergic to nearly everything they test for. My sinuses are constantly bedeviling me.

 

[SticksandStones]

I can't even begin to understand how anyone could possibly find spitting or responding "what" as rude. I continue to be glad I wasn't born in a time of such insanity.

 

[lisab]

I find the sight of people ridding themselves of bodily waste products in public both rude and disgusting.

 

[OAQfirst]

I can't even begin to understand how anyone could possibly find spitting or responding "what" as rude. I continue to be glad I wasn't born in a time of such insanity.

You weren't?

 

[SticksandStones]

You weren't?

That was a bad wording. I should say "I'm glad people around the same age as I largely don't seem to care about such unnecessary worries."

If someone spitting on to the ground outside is enough to cause you disgust I suggest you find something else to fill your time with. I for one am too busy to care about such things.

 

[DaveC426913]

That was a bad wording. I should say "I'm glad people around the same age as I largely don't seem to care about such unnecessary worries."

If someone spitting on to the ground outside is enough to cause you disgust I suggest you find something else to fill your time with. I for one am too busy to care about such things.

Flash forward a decade or so. You're walking down the street with your wife and some kid flings dog poo at you. You are disgusted - he says "Big deal. It's commonplace. That makes it OK."

 

[OAQfirst]

Throwing feces is a long way from using a particular word. But you might admit that http://www.zazzle.com/i_fling_poo_tshirt-235753561265816907" is adorable anyway.

 

[DaveC426913]

Throwing feces is a long way from using a particular word. But you might admit that http://www.zazzle.com/i_fling_poo_tshirt-235753561265816907" is adorable anyway.

Actually, Sticks & Stones was talking about the spitting.

You know what a slippery slope is?

 

[Proton Soup]

man, people are uptight. i get the feeling that most who get upset by this must have teenagers.

 

[OAQfirst]

Actually, Sticks & Stones was talking about the spitting.

Yes. And S&S was responding to your post on the spitting.

You know what a slippery slope is?

Yes.

 

[DaveC426913]

Yes. And S&S was responding to your post on the spitting.

Right. So you're following where I'm going then.

He thinks that it's silly to get irked about spitting. He's grown up used to it. Flash forward and he will find himself in a situation where others are inpinging on his sensibilities. And they're thinking he's all uptight about something that "everyone does".

 

[OAQfirst]

Right. So you're following where I'm going then.

He thinks that it's silly to get irked about spitting. He's grown up used to it. Flash forward and he will find himself in a situation where others are inpinging on his sensibilities. And they're thinking he's all uptight about something that "everyone does".

Oh, I follow. But even spit is nothing near the category of dog poo. People spit on people all the time. That's commonplace. And if we go back a few posts, where I wrote "Because it's common it's OK," this is an axe driven into my argument.

On the other hand, had I known that the examples used would be so extreme, I would have written that more gingerly. I'm talking about language. Words. Replies.

 

[DaveC426913]

Oh, I follow. But even spit is nothing near the category of dog poo.

Which is why I checked to ensure you knew what a slippery slope was. They are different only in degree - and a subjective one at that.

Spitting was once almost universally agreed to be a quite disgusting behaviour. Frankly, when you get right down to it, on a scale that ranges from perfect behaviour to perfect sociopathy, firing spittle and firing dog poo are actually right next to each other.

Are you yet getting that you will be in my shoes in a short few years? Manners will continue downhill. They will cross your threshold of sensibilities.

 

[OAQfirst]

Which is why I checked to ensure you knew what a slippery slope was.

Spitting was once almost universally agreed to be a quite disgusting behaviour. Frankly, when you get right down to it, on a scale that ranges from perfect behaviour to perfect sociopathy, firing spittle and firing dog poo are actually right next to each other. (Did you know that human saliva is highly unsanitary? Given the choice between the two, take dog poo over saliva.)

Are you yet getting that you will be in my shoes in a short few years? Manners will continue downhill. They will cross your threshold of sensibilities.

I take it you don't kiss very often? Now should I still take this seriously?

-Oh. I guess I should take your edit as a retraction about the poo and saliva?

 

[OAQfirst]

Which is why I checked to ensure you knew what a slippery slope was. They are different only in degree - and a subjective one at that.

Spitting was once almost universally agreed to be a quite disgusting behaviour. Frankly, when you get right down to it, on a scale that ranges from perfect behaviour to perfect sociopathy, firing spittle and firing dog poo are actually right next to each other.

Are you yet getting that you will be in my shoes in a short few years? Manners will continue downhill. They will cross your threshold of sensibilities.

If spit and poo are so evenly balanced on your teeter-totter, I guess. But I bet you'll have a hard time finding many who will get on both sides of that ride.

I'm sorry that you're so bothered by "What?", but I just don't share your pessimism about the downslide of manners in the future.

 

[DaveC426913]

I'm sorry that you're so bothered by "What?", but I just don't share your pessimism about the downslide of manners in the future.

Yep, and that's what I was saying to my parents 20 years ago!

 

[Jack21222]

firing spittle and firing dog poo are actually right next to each other.

Alright, I thought you were a reasonable person, but you can't tell the difference between "spitting into the grass" and "spitting in your direction."

I'll give you a hint... It's not a difference of degree, it's a difference of kind. It goes from an issue of "sensibilities" to an issue of "potential physical harm."

I'm a bit surprised that you're a bit fuzzy on the difference.

 

[OAQfirst]

He is a reasonable person.

 

[DaveC426913]

He is a reasonable person.

Why thank you. Likewise, it is quite refreshing to have a disagreement with someone without either side getting emotionally bent.

Alright, I thought you were a reasonable person, but you can't tell the difference between "spitting into the grass" and "spitting in your direction."

...into the grass? Luxury. I dream of these lunkheads spitting into the grass.

 

[Jack21222]

...into the grass? Luxury. I dream of these lunkheads spitting into the grass.

Or into the street, I guess. I spit from my car window on the freeway. If a trash can is nearby, I spit there. As I said, the alternative is to swallow it, which makes me ill.

He is a reasonable person.

I'm sure he is. He was using hyperbole, so I responded in kind.

Anyway, as long as somebody isn't spitting in such a way that it's getting on you personally, I don't see how it's a big deal at all.

EDIT: I'll nitpick myself. It's not hyperbole, per se, but I don't know the correct term for it.

 

[OAQfirst]

I'm sure he is. He was using hyperbole, so I responded in kind.

??

Anyway, I also thank you Dave for your patience with me.

*blows out candle*