theory development:
Feel free to share your theory with the community so we can marvel at how amazing you are for coming up with it in 10 minutes, and remember that your theory is more credible if you have less evidence. You're also sure to gain fame and fortune by posting it online because we all know that the world's top scientists spend time on forums created to help people with homework.
mathematics:
Forget what the so called "experts" tell you. Even though there is no number between A and B, you know for a fact that A and B are not the same. Ignore proofs that rely on grade 6 math; anything this complicated can't be proven with grade 6 math. Also ignore calculus; we all know that calculus is a load of BS anyway. Ignore fractions. Some fractions can't properly be expressed as decimals, so that leads to roundoff errors, so we can conclude that all fractions are wrong all the time. Despite the fact that you have absolutely no proof to believe A and B are different, you know damn well they are!
lab safety:
When working in a lab, the safest area to work is the point farthest from the door. If you're far from the door, you can take a bigger run at the door and knock down more scientists as you race for who gets out of the lab first. As soon as you get out of the lab, turn off the lights and close the door behind you. You don't want electricity flowing through the lines as the fire melts the wires; that could make an electrical fire. You definitely don't want the fire to suck more air from the rest of the building, so be sure to lock that door behind you. Banging on the other side of the door is caused by pressure changes as the fire ignites various chemicals in the lab.
media and government:
you can learn things by watching TV. Dioxin truly is the worst poison ever; it's so horrible that it takes a very large amount of it to make somebody ugly but not actually kill them. We should stop burning dead trees because CO2 is bad, but we should also ignore the fact that the same amount of CO2 is generated when the dead tree is eaten by bacteria. Remember that the CO2 from your car is causing the greenhouse effect; we should probably just assume the large amount of water in the atmosphere has absolutely nothing to do with it.
general population:
You can learn some pretty amazing scientific facts by listening to uneducated people around you. My barber said "they" are working on a new binary system; that's interesting because I was actually stupid enough to believe that there was only one binary and there could never be another. My friend's mom said I should not swallow gum because it will stay in my stomach for 7 years; that seems fairly reasonable. A girl at school said trans-fats are called that because they transform into other fats; I should have known that!
dealing with police:
Now that you're a scientist and people love you, you can get away with a few more things. When a police officer asks if you have any narcotics on you, you can confidently say "no, sir" as you play with the little bag of crystal meth in your pocket. You didn't really lie because meth is the opposite of a narcotic (narcotics make you sleepy).
filing your taxes:
Chemistry is all around you, and now that you're a chemist, you can claim that they're part of your job. All of that Contac, rubbing alcohol, HCl, acetone, iodine, peroxide, sodium hydroxide, lithium batteries, and everything else you use to make meth are now tax writeoffs since chemistry
is your business.
