What are the factors to consider when asking someone out via email?

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The discussion centers on the dilemma of asking out a former teaching assistant (TA) via email. The original poster expresses hesitation due to the potential awkwardness and the professional dynamic between a student and a TA, fearing it might violate university policies or come off as desperate. Concerns are raised about the appropriateness of using email for such a personal request, with many contributors labeling it as "creepy" and suggesting that it lacks the emotional nuance of face-to-face interaction. Participants recommend building rapport through casual encounters in shared spaces, such as libraries or lounges, rather than reaching out directly via email. They emphasize the importance of having prior social interactions to gauge mutual interest before asking someone out. The conversation also touches on the risks involved for the TA, including potential harassment claims, which could arise from unsolicited advances from a student. Overall, the consensus leans towards avoiding the email approach and instead fostering a more organic connection.
  • #31
My friend told me one teacher got fired at a University near here for sleeping with the girls in his class and giving them A's. One of them was a playboy playmate. (He teaches chemistry, the irony.) Good times.
 
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  • #32
Bladibla said:
But we aren't talking about a normal invitation are we now? We are talking about the OP wanting to have a date with the woman.
Well, if you think the very fact of him wanting to have a date is not normal, then you are a very idiosynchratic person.

If a Email just came straight out of nowhere for a date, it would be just plain weird.
Yes, but that isn't the situation under discussion here.
What?!? YOU ASKED:
Yeah. It was an obvious rhetorical question.
And I replied that there have been mentions of Internet dating that has, apprently, been successful to an extent for some people. It has EVERYTHING to do with the situation under discussion.
It has nothing to do with my post, though. Address your reactions to what other people in this thread have said to them, not me.
Catagorically there are plenty of things wrong with Email. First of all, it's not the most emotional way of showing your affection towards someone else (no in fact, its the least)
An e-mail is as emotional as you make it. There is nothing inherently unemotional about the written word. The fact is, though, I'm not sure "emotional" is a good message to send when asking someone out for the first time.
and people replying to this thread have stated that Email is not a good way of asking out someone.
They are saying that with regard to this specific situation and this specific poster. I agree: he shouldn't send her an e-mail. I don't think he should try to ask her out at all: he's too overwhelmed by her.
Given that we are advising on how to GET a date with EMAIL, no I don't think so.
I am positive that if you, or anyone, gets an e-mail tomorrow from someone who interests you asking for a date you aren't going to turn them down because it was an e-mail.

The OP's problem is not that he was thinking of sending an e-mail, but that his post was full of indications he doesn't think he has a good chance under any circumstances.
 
  • #33
I bet she's married
 
  • #34
Moonbear said:
That's not very accurate. Any faculty or instructor receiving an amorous email, or other advance, from a student would report it, just like SA mentioned, to cover our own butt. Generally, it's the sort of thing that if I received it and ignored it or turned it down, my Dept Chair and I would laugh about and chalk it up to youthful misadventures on the part of the student. It's only if they kept pursuing it that it becomes an issue. The reason for reporting it is that not every one who makes such an advance is firing on all 4 cylinders. In the specific examples I know of, it has been a male professor whose female student made advances, and when she was turned down with an explanation of the inappropriateness of it, filed sexual harrassment charges against the faculty member. Because there was a record of all her obsessed emails, the faculty member's reputation was cleared and it did not affect his career, but it had the potential to be disastrous had he not kept copies and been keeping someone else copied on every communication he had with this student from the time of the first email.


Granted, getting involved with a Professor or a TA who will evaluate and grade you is not even remotely a good idea, but if the student have long graduated, and the Professor have long since left the Academia, I don't see the harm in getting in touch and reminiscing about the good old sly staring contests in physical chemistry labs :!)

man that chick was only 11 years older than me :smile:
 
  • #35
TheStatutoryApe said:
I have actually successfully asked ladies out on dates through the internet that I barely knew and had never seen nor spoken to in person. Not to say that one would likely find very good relationships that way but I don't see it as being much worse than asking someone at a bar for their number.
There's no problem with that method, such as if you're on a dating site or something. The key is that it doesn't come entirely out of the blue, but there has been some mutual interest or communication, or the implicit agreement that people using a dating site want to be contacted for dates. Generally, it's about the same as being set up by a friend on a blind date, where you're going to meet the person for the first time on the date. It would come with a lower chance of success, I'd think, but nothing horrid about it. The situation here isn't just about asking someone out by email (I'd still say it's better via phone or in person when that's an option), but about asking out a TA.

I'll 'fess up that I did go on a date with a former physics TA once (the date itself was a complete disaster, but that's another story...guys, don't discuss the questions and answers on your qualifying exam on a first date!). Similar to this case, it was after I was no longer his student. Different from this case, I had just happened to bump into him in a building where we were both taking classes at the same time and were frequently early and waiting around for the classes prior to ours to let out, and thus struck up conversation of an entirely social nature, and this continued for the better part of a semester before he finally asked me on a date. That's quite different than having no contact other than course-related questions and then suddenly asking for a date.
 
  • #36
TheStatutoryApe said:
I have actually successfully asked ladies out on dates through the internet that I barely knew and had never seen nor spoken to in person. Not to say that one would likely find very good relationships that way but I don't see it as being much worse than asking someone at a bar for their number.

Yeah its going to be -not that fun- when you wakeup one cold Sunday morning with a missing kidney in a blood bath in some hotel, covered with ice cubes and with a note "Thanks for the 5G"
 
  • #37
even if she would go on a date with you set up by email what kind of first impression is this leaving.
 
  • #38
mugsby said:
even if she would go on a date with you set up by email what kind of first impression is this leaving.
It depends on the e-mail, doesn't it? The whole thing is contigent on how it's written, just like asking face-to-face is contingent on how you ask.
 
  • #39
chroot said:
I'd say it's a bit creepy to email her out of the blue with no prior social interaction, though some women are actually endeared by men who kinda go "out of their way."

I'd say your best bet is to find reasons to be where she is. If she studies in the library, or hangs out in a student lounge, find (relatively legitimate) reasons to be there, too -- then strike up a real conversation with her. After you've gotten to know each other a bit, your proposition will be a lot more likely to succeed.

I've honestly never understood this attitude. I'd think it way more creepy for someone to covertly uncover my whereabout habits and then follow me around until she can concoct an excuse to bump into me. What's so bad about an e-mail out of the blue? Provided it wasn't full of insecurity and the person didn't actually sound weird, I'd think she had balls, was pretty straightforward, and I'd appreciate it. I'd still say no, but that's only because I have a girlfriend. Otherwise, if it was someone that I found attractive, I'd say yes. If not, then no.

What's with all of these stupid rules? If a person knows you from somewhere, who the hell cares how he gets in contact with you? If he has no phone number and doesn't see her in person on any regular basis, e-mail is all he has.

I guess I'm going against the grain here, but I say e-mail her. If she thinks you're some internet psycho and vomits because of it, so what? You've lost nothing, and it's her discomfort. Why go through all of the effort to figure out where she's going to be and then pretend you just 'happened' to run into her? Just be sincere and explain that you didn't think you'd be able to contact her any other way. I personally don't understand the weight that people attach to asking women out, as if it's some huge chore that has to be done right. The more you contrive, the more you look like an insecure fool that doesn't have the guts to just say what you want to say. And the sooner someone says no, the faster you can move on to the next target.
 
  • #40
loseyourname said:
I personally don't understand the weight that people attach to asking women out, as if it's some huge chore that has to be done right. The more you contrive, the more you look like an insecure fool that doesn't have the guts to just say what you want to say. And the sooner someone says no, the faster you can move on to the next target.
You're right, of course. All this hesitation and angst comes of getting fixated on women from afar, and getting obsessed such that the thought of getting refused means your life is over.
 
  • #41
loseyourname said:
I guess I'm going against the grain here, but I say e-mail her. If she thinks you're some internet psycho and vomits because of it, so what? You've lost nothing, and it's her discomfort. Why go through all of the effort to figure out where she's going to be and then pretend you just 'happened' to run into her? Just be sincere and explain that you didn't think you'd be able to contact her any other way. I personally don't understand the weight that people attach to asking women out, as if it's some huge chore that has to be done right. The more you contrive, the more you look like an insecure fool that doesn't have the guts to just say what you want to say. And the sooner someone says no, the faster you can move on to the next target.

I disagree, i think e-mailing is bad, but not for the reasons you're rejecting. The most important communication, especially between member's of the opposite sex is nonverbal. How you stand, how you breathe, how you move your eyes, whether or not you shift your weight, how you walk, how you look at her, the expression on your face, and the tone of your voice are all more important than what you actually say. If you ask a girl out over the phone, or even worse over the internet you are giving up the chance to use all of that in your favor. So you had better be damned eloquent to make up for it.

Otherwise, I largely agree with you.
 
  • #42
franznietzsche said:
I disagree, i think e-mailing is bad, but not for the reasons you're rejecting. The most important communication, especially between member's of the opposite sex is nonverbal. How you stand, how you breathe, how you move your eyes, whether or not you shift your weight, how you walk, how you look at her, the expression on your face, and the tone of your voice are all more important than what you actually say. If you ask a girl out over the phone, or even worse over the internet you are giving up the chance to use all of that in your favor. So you had better be damned eloquent to make up for it.

Yeah, I agree with that. I just don't think it's worth going through all of the trouble to figure out where she'll be and then contriving a reason to run into her and then contriving a way to ask her out when you do. Just take the probable rejection, then ask someone out that you do see regularly. Hell, if you need some kind of confidence booster or something, ask out some nerds that never get any attention, just to get used to the sound of the word "yes." It'll come in handy for the future.
 
  • #43
:smile:

You think people should practice by asking out unattractive people first (and presumably dumping them soon after), and you say my attitude is bad, loseyourname? "Just practice on some nerds." :smile:

- Warren
 
  • #44
For the record, I didn't really say that scoping out her whereabouts and 'arranging' to run into her wasn't creepy. I just said it was more likely to succeed. :smile:

- Warren
 
  • #45
chroot said:
For the record, I didn't really say that scoping out her whereabouts and 'arranging' to run into her wasn't creepy. I just said it was more likely to succeed. :smile:
I knew a guy who did this in college. It worked great for him: she turned out to be interested. I don't know if she ever found out their "chance meeting" was something he'd been planning a while or not, but I suspect she'd have been complimented if she did find out. It's only creepy if they're not interested.
 
  • #46
zoobyshoe said:
I knew a guy who did this in college. It worked great for him: she turned out to be interested. I don't know if she ever found out their "chance meeting" was something he'd been planning a while or not, but I suspect she'd have been complimented if she did find out. It's only creepy if they're not interested.


Non-objective standards are wonderful aren't they?
 
  • #47
You can also have fun by emailing people and ask them out.(you only need a fake email address) o:)
 
  • #48
franznietzsche said:
Non-objective standards are wonderful aren't they?
I've heard guys say things to women that should have gotten them slapped. Instead, because that guy had impeccible instincts, they got giggles and smiles. "You can't say things like that to a woman!" actually means "You don't have the timing and savvy to pull it off."
 
  • #49
Lisa! said:
You can also have fun by emailing people and ask them out.(you only need a fake email address) o:)


I knew the nice girl thing was a load.
 
  • #50
zoobyshoe said:
I've heard guys say things to women that should have gotten them slapped. Instead, because that guy had impeccible instincts, they got giggles and smiles. "You can't say things like that to a woman!" actually means "You don't have the timing and savvy to pull it off."


Oh I know full well the way things really work. I've been on both sides of that line, too many times in both cases.
 
  • #51
So to sum up all this ideas, original poster has the following options (I marked with + good sides, - bad):


1) pretend you're interested in whatever she is, use that to come into real contact

[+] this option has the best chance of working out positively, the way I see it, BUT...
[-] who to contact? you can contact her advisor but what possibly can you write to him to having him redirect you to exactly her ? if you're interested in a subject advisor or prof is the person you will be talking to.

This options is definately worth exploring a little deeper... there IS a way... maybe contacting her to have her explaing to you something related to the subject. That might be good starting point, try to be as friendly as you can be, then switch talk to another topic, then ask her out. :smile:

2) write the email as he originally wanted

[+] if she remembers you who you are there is a chance she might accept. it depends heavily on how you write and what you write.
[-] the girl might be like like someone here, reporting your letter (I mean OMG !... he won't write he will kill her or cut her into pieces :biggrin: , he wants to ask her out, for christ sake !:rolleyes: ). To prevent this you might add something at the end of the letter to ensure her you are not a psycho. Something like "...I apologize for inconvieniece...", but less formal.
[+] dept. head might laugh (like I would) at such report and then explain to the student human dating and reproduction system

3) write from anonymous email address

[+] you can't get reported :-p
[-] she won't know who you are => she might be embarressed to go on a blind date (many are like that)

4) do nothing

[-] there is 100% chance this won't get you a date
[+] besides that, it won't do any harm.
 
  • #52
franznietzsche said:
I knew the nice girl thing was a load.
No, it wasn't!:frown: I don't do it anymore and that means I really want to be a nice girl. I'm even going to apologize the guy for that ,although it is my friend who must apologize not me!:rolleyes:

P.S. I just pointed that out because I wanted to say it couldn't be a good way for asking out since people might think you're making fun of them.
 
  • #53
Lisa! said:
No, it wasn't!:frown: I don't do it anymore and that means I really want to be a nice girl. I'm even going to apologize the guy for that ,although it is my friend who must apologize not me!:rolleyes:

P.S. I just pointed that out because I wanted to say it couldn't be a good way for asking out since people might think you're making fun of them.


Uh huh, sure.
 
  • #54
Don't worry Lisa, I have arranged a nice husband for you in abevarde. :wink:
 
  • #55
cyrusabdollahi said:
Don't worry Lisa, I have arranged a nice husband for you in abevarde. :wink:
kal agar tabib boodi, sare kod dava nemoodi!:-p
 
  • #56
Lisa! said:
kal agar tabib boodi, sare kod dava nemoodi!:-p
How do you say "zoobie" in Farsi? Looks like you got close there a couple times.
 
  • #57
zoobyshoe said:
How do you say "zoobie" in Farsi? Looks like you got close there a couple times.
I guess you better ask cyrus! He sure can come up with better answer.:redface:
 
  • #58
zoobyshoe said:
Well, if you think the very fact of him wanting to have a date is not normal, then you are a very idiosynchratic person.


Yes, but that isn't the situation under discussion here.

Yeah. It was an obvious rhetorical question.

It has nothing to do with my post, though. Address your reactions to what other people in this thread have said to them, not me.

An e-mail is as emotional as you make it. There is nothing inherently unemotional about the written word. The fact is, though, I'm not sure "emotional" is a good message to send when asking someone out for the first time.

They are saying that with regard to this specific situation and this specific poster. I agree: he shouldn't send her an e-mail. I don't think he should try to ask her out at all: he's too overwhelmed by her.

I am positive that if you, or anyone, gets an e-mail tomorrow from someone who interests you asking for a date you aren't going to turn them down because it was an e-mail.

The OP's problem is not that he was thinking of sending an e-mail, but that his post was full of indications he doesn't think he has a good chance under any circumstances.

Well, if you think the very fact of him wanting to have a date is not normal, then you are a very idiosynchratic person.

I'M NOT SAYING THAT A DATE IS NOT NORMAL. A Date composed with of a few Emails from a person you only know academically is weird.

Yeah. It was an obvious rhetorical question.

Oh really? Then why are you even replying to whatever 'comment' I have said, when it was a 'rhetorical' question as you put it?!

It has nothing to do with my post, though. Address your reactions to what other people in this thread have said to them, not me.

YOU are the person who mentioned about 'some dates being successful with good emails'. And I have shown that some members have shown examples matching to your comments.

I am positive that if you, or anyone, gets an e-mail tomorrow from someone who interests you asking for a date you aren't going to turn them down because it was an e-mail.

Oh really? Then what stops the other person from rejecting?
 
  • #59
Bladibla, you need a woman, ....bad...
 
  • #60
Lisa! said:
I guess you better ask cyrus! He sure can come up with better answer.:redface:
I didn't know he spoke Farsi. It's turning out everyone speaks it but me.
 

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