Navigating a New Relationship: Should I Ask Her Out?

[cragar]

There is this girl that I am interested in. We have talked at school over the last couple of months.
Should i ask her to hang out first. Or should i ask her on a date. And this should probably be in person. I'm worried about moving to fast. What kind of things can I say to her to see if she might want to date me without being to direct and putting her on the spot and scaring her off. She is very smart and beautiful, i don't want to screw it up. we talk about math and philosophy mostly.

 

[lisab]

I understand your situation. It's difficult but you don't want to appear too timid or scared.

Try something like this: Pick a coffee house/bakery/bar you like - a nice place in walking distance. Next time you talk to her, ask her if she has been there. Say something like, "It's a great place. I really like talking with you and I'd like to take you there - are you free now? Let's go there!"

If she agrees and goes there with you, you pay for the coffee/pastry/drinks.

 

[cragar]

thats a good idea. is it important that i say " I really like talking with you and I'd like to take you there."
or could I say " I really like talking with you and we could go there."

 

[Astronuc]

lisab has a good suggestion. If one is at university, one could propose having lunch or coffee together.

Or another possibility would be to share some food, e.g., cookies or pastries, that she might like.

With the first girl about whom I was serious, I took her flowers and a card to brighten up her day. That was after encountering each other on campus periodically.

thats a good idea. is it important that i say " I really like talking with you and I'd like to take you there."
or could I say " I really like talking with you and we could go there."

Or "I enjoy our conversations. I know a nice place that has a great _________. May I take you there?" (or "May I show you", "Would you care to join me for lunch/dinner/coffee/snack?")

 

[cragar]

ok thanks for all the good advice. right now it is summer and I am not sure if she is on campus. the only way I have to contact her now is by e-mail. should I try to get her on campus or ask her something else. should I ask her what her plans are.

 

[lisab]

ok thanks for all the good advice. right now it is summer and I am not sure if she is on campus. the only way I have to contact her now is by e-mail. should I try to get her on campus or ask her something else. should I ask her what her plans are.

Good idea. You could say, "What have you been up to, are you around? I'm having great fun this summer doing (whatever you've been doing). I miss our math and philosophy chats, though! I'd like to meet you for coffee and conversation at (name a place), are you available tomorrow at 11:00?"

Then if it's awkward, it's just coffee. If it goes well you could have lunch together.

 

[dirk_mec1]

If she agrees and goes there with you, you pay for the coffee/pastry/drinks.

This is not a very feministic viewpoint and could influence the date in a negative way...

 

[sunny79]

good idea. You could say, "what have you been up to, are you around? I'm having great fun this summer doing (whatever you've been doing). I miss our math and philosophy chats, though! I'd like to meet you for coffee and conversation at (name a place), are you available tomorrow at 11:00?"

then if it's awkward, it's just coffee. If it goes well you could have lunch together.

this!

 

[cragar]

didn't exactly go as planned, she had to go somewhere before I could ask her to go have lunch. I am having a hard time to tell if she is possibly interested in me, should I test the water a little bit over e-mail, I am not sure how to test them though, I guess just start conversation.

 

[Psinter]

didn't exactly go as planned, she had to go somewhere before I could ask her to go have lunch. I am having a hard time to tell if she is possibly interested in me, should I test the water a little bit over e-mail, I am not sure how to test them though, I guess just start conversation.

You know the way I go about this? I make a flying majestic robot that lands in the subject's garden (in a majestic way with confetti and stuff) and asks the person in question whether it would like to go out on a date with me.

Only problem is that the person in question always asks me about how the robot works and the whole date is spent talking about the robot, not us (I'm even starting to get jealous of my robot).

On the serious part of the thread:

You know what girls do? They put a candy (usually chocolate) in the boy's backpack without them noticing. The candy is enveloped in a note that contains a very sweet positive message with hearts and funny stuff on it. Find out what class may be taking a toll on her (if any) and write a short sentence that will make her feel like you understand her position and that you care (because you could understand and not care). Try it, it should deliver a message and make it easier to ask for a date later on.

 

[mesa]

didn't exactly go as planned, she had to go somewhere before I could ask her to go have lunch. I am having a hard time to tell if she is possibly interested in me, should I test the water a little bit over e-mail, I am not sure how to test them though, I guess just start conversation.

Keep it simple, just ask her out (not by email!).

You don't know if she is interested unless you put yourself out there. It's all part of being a guy, women have it easy when it comes to dating :)

 

[cragar]

is it ok to ask her to hang out,then ask her out in person.

 

[Psinter]

is it ok to ask her to hang out,then ask her out in person.

Hmmmm. That's confusing. If you ask to hang out, isn't that the same as asking for a date?

Anyway, if you do so make sure that when you ask the person in question, that person is free to say no. Like don't make a favor or behave too nice because the person might feel like it owes you for your gentleness and if it answers "yes" or "ok" it won't be for real. That "yes" or "ok" has to be for real. Not because they are paying you back for how well you've treated them or because you cornered them in a situation where a "no" would look ugly.

I'm cheering here for you! Do it! But do it rightly! (No cornering allowed!)

 

[cragar]

the only reason I am asking about asking her to hangout is because the only way I can contact her right now is by e-mail, So I have to e-mail her to start the meet up then I would ask her out to dinner or something in person. When i ask her to meet up, should I compliment her before I ask her out. Thanks for the help by the way.

 

[Psinter]

Well I find it is okay that way then.

When i ask her to meet up, should I compliment her before I ask her out. Thanks for the help by the way.

IMO, that's cornering. The person may feel bad for letting down someone who just complimented it. I would so not go in there.

But let's see if someone else has something to say on the matter. Maybe someone with more experience. *noise* calling all PFmers with experience. *noise* Over and out *noise*

 

[Lavabug]

I don't have any advice on how to successfully ask a girl out, but I know and have used a surefire way to determine if one is not interested in doing so and not waste any more of your time than you need to:

At any time leading up to a break, recess, or weekend: "want to go get ____". Insert the beverage of choice or the appropriate meal of the day. Or precede with a question along the lines if she likes a certain cuisine x (which can backfire if you don't find out beforehand!)

Now there may very well be a legitimate reason/obligation she has for her to turn you down, but honestly after two or three failed tries/good excuses, you can rest assure she's not interested. If she was, she would make room for you in her schedule. Or tell you straight up she has a boyfriend if that's the case.

Edit: I missed this

is it ok to ask her to hang out,then ask her out in person.

I suppose, anything is better than asking by email/sms. But you better have a good reason for meeting up to "hang out", especially if it's just the two of you. She will see right past that.

 

[AlephZero]

But you better have a good reason for meeting up to "hang out", especially if it's just the two of you. She will see right past that.

Some things haven't changed in the last 50 years

 

[cragar]

I don't have any advice on how to successfully ask a girl out, but I know and have used a surefire way to determine if one is not interested in doing so and not waste any more of your time than you need to:

At any time leading up to a break, recess, or weekend: "want to go get ____". Insert the beverage of choice or the appropriate meal of the day. Or precede with a question along the lines if she likes a certain cuisine x (which can backfire if you don't find out beforehand!)

Now there may very well be a legitimate reason/obligation she has for her to turn you down, but honestly after two or three failed tries/good excuses, you can rest assure she's not interested. If she was, she would make room for you in her schedule. Or tell you straight up she has a boyfriend if that's the case.

Edit: I missed this

I suppose, anything is better than asking by email/sms. But you better have a good reason for meeting up to "hang out", especially if it's just the two of you. She will see right past that.

ok I need a good reason to get her to hang out with me, like what, the last time I got her to meet up, was to possibly start a math project on number theory, it worked. but now I feel it will be trickier for the next one. How do I get her to potentially meet up and not have her see through it. If she sees through it, what does that mean. like I want her to hang out but not as a date.

 

[Lavabug]

Show your work.

 

[mesa]

It sounds like you are in a situation where the only opportunity you have to see this girl again is if you meet up through a connection made via email. Try again but don't fret too much over the details. If it doesn't work out then go with someone else that peaks your interest.

You will find that most of the women you ask out will say 'yes', all you have to do is put yourself out there.

On another note:

Show your work.

 

[Lavabug]

You will find that most of the women you ask out will say 'yes', all you have to do is put yourself out there.

I think you meant to say 'no'...

 

[mesa]

I think you meant to say 'no'...

As hard as it may be to believe young women like to date just as much as their respective counterparts ;)

 

[Lavabug]

What I meant is what you can really expect -unless you're a really high percentile male- is close to 99% rejection asking for a date.

 

[mesa]

What I meant is what you can really expect -unless you're a really high percentile male- is close to 99% rejection asking for a date.

We are all capable of being 'high percentile', like with everything else it just takes a little practice.

 

[Lavabug]

Bro do you even math.

That's like saying everyone can set athletic world records with enough practice.

 

[mesa]

That's like saying everyone can set athletic world records with enough practice.

Regular old ordinary people are dating everyday, it is easy once you get the hang of it.

 

[Lavabug]

But that's not what I disagreed with. Most date requests do not produce the intended result for most males was the point.

 

[mesa]

But that's not what I disagreed with. Most date requests do not produce the intended result for most males was the point.

I disagree with that, 'rejection' should be a rare thing, if not it may be time to try a different approach. Perhaps start off with a better outlook, to some it may seem silly but being positive and confident can carry you a long way.

 

[dirk_mec1]

I disagree with that, 'rejection' should be a rare thing,.

That's impossible in dating from male POV.

 

[mesa]

That's impossible in dating from male POV.

I am speaking from our point of view. Having a positive attitude and confidence is all you need, going into a situation thinking all is lost will only continue to get you the same negative result.

Don't make it harder than it needs to be guys ;)

 

[Lavabug]

I disagree with that, 'rejection' should be a rare thing, if not it may be time to try a different approach. Perhaps start off with a better outlook, to some it may seem silly but being positive and confident can carry you a long way.

"Should" does not mean "is". And we can talk all day about outlook etc., but the brass tacks of the matter is even as an above-average male, you should assume most requests for a date will not lead to a date. This I have heard from even very above average males who do get plenty of dates, most of their approaches fail. It's a very simple demand and supply problem.

 

[StatGuy2000]

I disagree with that, 'rejection' should be a rare thing, if not it may be time to try a different approach. Perhaps start off with a better outlook, to some it may seem silly but being positive and confident can carry you a long way.

Questions for you:

(1) How often do you ask women out, and how often do they say "yes" or "no" (or any other answer)?

(2) How would you rate your physical appearance?

Btw, I am assuming here that you are either a heterosexual man or a bisexual male -- if neither applies, please correct me.

 

[Lavabug]

Another question to ask is how many women has he ever asked out on dates in his lifetime.

Online dating sites reflect the issue very well, although probably in a bit more exaggerated fashion. It is well known most men on dating sites do extremely poorly in getting any dates, society or what have you at has made it so that the game/choice is always skewed in favor of women.

 

[mesa]

Questions for you:

(1) How often do you ask women out, and how often do they say "yes" or "no" (or any other answer)?

It depends, right now the lady I have been seeing is leaving to finish up school in Texas so I will be jumping back in. I would say a 'yes' happens about 90% of the time.

(2) How would you rate your physical appearance?

Average.

Btw, I am assuming here that you are either a heterosexual man or a bisexual male -- if neither applies, please correct me.

Your assumption is correct.

Another question to ask is how many women has he ever asked out on dates in his lifetime.

Alot, but that only means missing out on some really nice women while being too busy acquiring more (much wiser now).

Online dating sites reflect the issue very well, although probably in a bit more exaggerated fashion. It is well known most men on dating sites do extremely poorly in getting any dates, society or what have you at has made it so that the game/choice is always skewed in favor of women.

There is a big difference between the net and the real world and as such this does not make for a good comparison. Online women are bombarded with requests because men have anonymity so it is easy to put yourself out there. In the real world it is fairly rare that a gentleman asks out a lady so women tend to respond very positively to that.

Your best bet is to be positive, confident and not wait too long to ask them out. With a little practice asking out women and going on dates becomes a real pleasure.

 

[cragar]

even if I get rejected, I will just keep trying till I find someone.
But Do you think it would be ok to ask her to meet up to talk about random philosophy stuff or something along those lines, should I say I like talking to her.