What are the factors to consider when asking someone out via email?

[franznietzsche]

I didn't know he spoke Farsi. It's turning out everyone speaks it but me.

Yup .

 

[Cyrus]

Neither did I. Sadly, I don't speak farsi. Shame on me.

 

[zoobyshoe]

I had an Iranian girlfriend in summer school once. She tried to teach me some words. There is one sound that they make which is like swallowing. It was beyond me to remotely imitate.

 

[Lisa!]

I didn't know he spoke Farsi. It's turning out everyone speaks it but me.

I don't think so!
Not sure but I guess zoobie must be the same in Farsi. You know sometimes we just use the foreign word and don't bother to find a equivalent for it in Farsi!

Neither did I. Sadly, I don't speak farsi. Shame on me.

I hope you'd understand what I told you in Farsi, huh?

 

[Bladibla]

Bladibla, you need a woman, ....bad...

Short answer: no. Also, congratulations in being one of the few people spelling my name correctly.

 

[honestrosewater]

Well, I'm starting to think that I'm not like most women, but for what it's worth, I did have all of the standard woman parts the last time that I checked, and I was going to say basically what loseyourname and franz said (minus the asking out people who you aren't really interested in, unless you're upfront with them about your real intentions). If you're a freak, you'd probably freak her out eventually no matter how you first contacted her. If you're a decent person, just be one.

 

[BobG]

Hi,

I have been pondering the notion of asking out a former TA of mine. She was in charge of the lab in which I was enrolled last quarter. Though I never really talked to her, I did catch her gaze a few times. I didn't think asking someone out while in the subordinate position of TA and student, was a very good idea, and it may even have violated a university policy. Since I don't have her number or anything, I would have to contact her through her official email address. I am leaning against this for a few reasons: she might be weirded out; might be not happy that I am contacting her this way; the fact she doesn't really know me; maybe she thinks I'm desperate. Further I think she is stunningly beautiful and possibly she has had to deal with this before.

I also figure I won’t be going out with her if don’t email her for certain and if she says no nothing really changes, I am still not going out with her. I only have the potential to gain from this should she say yes. At any rate perhaps I am just thinking too much about this and should just do it.

There's some advantages and disadvantages to this. For one, you can ask several (in fact, a lot - the more the better!) out with one E-mail. The percentages have to yield at least a few successes. On the other hand, a high percentage of those observant enough to notice how many names are in the "To" section would definitely be "weirded out" and may even be offended.

The downside is that there's probably a negative correlation between the likelihood of accepting and the mental health of the respondee.

 

[Cyrus]

I hope you'd understand what I told you in Farsi, huh?

Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can arrange some Farsi lessons over kabob and zam zam.

 

[nsimmons]

This is 2006, email and txt msg's hold as much weight as a phone call to the a lot of young people.

Just email her and get it over with, otherwise you'll be kicking yourself in the ass wondering what if. I had a 3 year relationship from an email. Keep it short and casual and upbeat and treat it as its no big deal, because to a woman getting asked out is no big deal it happens a lot.

"Hi, this is...from...Why don't you join me on saturday..for... " Its that simple. Your intentions are obvious. Shes either interested or not.

Dont treat it as an email. Play down the fact its electronic and encourage her to meet you, don't say "I was wondering..." "If your free.." etc..

Women respond better if you sort of indirectly say "Im going out, and your comming along".

Especially if she's good looking, this works well as she's used to a lot of attention from people begging her.

Im seeing a very hot woman now. Casual approach works very well. "Im going to see a movie on sunday, you should come along." And she did.

 

[Gokul43201]

I also figure I won’t be going out with her if don’t email her for certain and if she says no nothing really changes, I am still not going out with her. I only have the potential to gain from this should she say yes. At any rate perhaps I am just thinking too much about this and should just do it.

I agree. Just do it.

 

[BobG]

This is 2006, email and txt msg's hold as much weight as a phone call to the a lot of young people.

Just email her and get it over with, otherwise you'll be kicking yourself in the ass wondering what if. I had a 3 year relationship from an email. Keep it short and casual and upbeat and treat it as its no big deal, because to a woman getting asked out is no big deal it happens a lot.

"Hi, this is...from...Why don't you join me on saturday..for... " Its that simple. Your intentions are obvious. Shes either interested or not.

Dont treat it as an email. Play down the fact its electronic and encourage her to meet you, don't say "I was wondering..." "If your free.." etc..

Women respond better if you sort of indirectly say "Im going out, and your comming along".

Especially if she's good looking, this works well as she's used to a lot of attention from people begging her.

Im seeing a very hot woman now. Casual approach works very well. "Im going to see a movie on sunday, you should come along." And she did.

Maybe I'm just stuck in a time warp, but I would never, never ask someone out on a first date by E-Mail unless Miss Manners officially endorsed the practice - or at least Lady of the Manners at Gothic Charm School.

Sean1234: By the way, while I couldn't find anything on the etiquette of using E-Mail to ask someone out on a first date (I doubt anyone has ever been crude enough to think of it before), something I did find made me wonder - you do know her name, don't you?

Dear Miss Manners:

I have been dating my boyfriend for four months and it came up this week that he still does not know my name. I do not know what to do about this because he has heard my name so many times, both my English name and my Italian name. I also write it on everything I have given to him, yet he still calls me by the wrong name."

Miss Manners - As much sympathy as Miss Manners has for bad memories and disabilities, she has to break it to you that a gentleman's inability to learn the name of a lady he has been courting for four months is not a good sign. You might consider impressing it upon him with a letter of farewell.

 

[honestrosewater]

This is 2006, email and txt msg's hold as much weight as a phone call to the a lot of young people.

Just email her and get it over with, otherwise you'll be kicking yourself in the ass wondering what if. I had a 3 year relationship from an email. Keep it short and casual and upbeat and treat it as its no big deal, because to a woman getting asked out is no big deal it happens a lot.

"Hi, this is...from...Why don't you join me on saturday..for... " Its that simple. Your intentions are obvious. Shes either interested or not.

Dont treat it as an email. Play down the fact its electronic and encourage her to meet you, don't say "I was wondering..." "If your free.." etc..

Women respond better if you sort of indirectly say "Im going out, and your comming along".

Especially if she's good looking, this works well as she's used to a lot of attention from people begging her.

Im seeing a very hot woman now. Casual approach works very well. "Im going to see a movie on sunday, you should come along." And she did.

Yes, I think that's great advice. Think of her as your dog and you asking her out as taking out and jangling her leash. She'll be jumping on you in no time!

</sarcasm>

 

[JasonRox]

Yes, I think that's great advice. Think of her as your dog and you asking her out as taking out and jangling her leash. She'll be jumping on you in no time!

</sarcasm>

As sad as it may sound, it works and it might even have worked on you.

It's all part of that alpha male thing.

 

[zoobyshoe]

Yes, I think that's great advice. Think of her as your dog and you asking her out as taking out and jangling her leash. She'll be jumping on you in no time!

It's more subtle than that, obviously, but true. I can't tell you how many relationships I never got into because I suffer the heartbreak of having been raised square in the middle of the feminist movement and was trained not to be the "take charge" guy. All around me all my life I see the "take charge" guys getting women left and right. When I was in college guys used to get lectured by women all the time for things like holding the door open for them: "Why are you doing that? Are you trying to make me feel helpless so you can control me? I'm perfectly capable of opening a door."

 

[honestrosewater]

As sad as it may sound, it works and it might even have worked on you.

It did work on me before I decided that I didn't want to play that kind of role. I'm sure it does work on women who want, or are willing, to be treated like dogs by their "partners". But why do guys want a woman who wants you to treat her that way? It not only says something about her; it says something about you too.

It's all part of that alpha male thing.

You mean you want a woman who is attracted to status? Or is this more the dominant-submissive thing?

 

[zoobyshoe]

It did work on me before I decided that I didn't want to play that kind of role. I'm sure it does work on women who want, or are willing, to be treated like dogs by their "partners". But why do guys want a woman who wants you to treat her that way? It not only says something about her; it says something about you too.

You're exaggerating it into something it isn't. The dynamic behind it, I think, is that women want guys to take charge in a "good authority" way. In other words they want a guy who can organize and motivate everything they way their dad used to when they were little.

 

[JasonRox]

It did work on me before I decided that I didn't want to play that kind of role. I'm sure it does work on women who want, or are willing, to be treated like dogs by their "partners". But why do guys want a woman who wants you to treat her that way? It not only says something about her; it says something about you too.
You mean you want a woman who is attracted to status? Or is this more the dominant-submissive thing?

I never said anything about it being what I want.

 

[honestrosewater]

You're exaggerating it into something it isn't. The dynamic behind it, I think, is that women want guys to take charge in a "good authority" way. In other words they want a guy who can organize and motivate everything they way their dad used to when they were little.

I think dog owners take charge in a "good authority" way with their dogs. The owner-pet relationship was just the first one that came to mind, after the typical husband-wife one, of course.

I don't think I'm exaggerating. Is anyone actually interested in fleshing out the typical husband, wife, and dog roles? How does the dog role differ from the wife role? I can think of some rather uninteresting ways (resulting from one being human and one non-human). I guess the similiarity that jumps out as me is that they both depend on someone else (the husband) for their basic needs (food, shelter, etc.). I imagine they are usually both physically weaker than the husband too, or at least they would probably lose a fight with him for some other reason, e.g., being less skilled in that kind of thing.

 

[honestrosewater]

I never said anything about it being what I want.

Right, I included that assumption in my question knowing that you could deny it. Is that what you want? If so, why? If not, why?

I'm also partially addressing everyone -- I just really want to understand.

 

[zoobyshoe]

I don't think I'm exaggerating. Is anyone actually interested in fleshing out the typical husband, wife, and dog roles? How does the dog role differ from the wife role?

You are exaggerating by insisting that in any relationship where one person is the planner/motivator, the other is somehow comparable to a dog. I think it is something else entirely: an ingrained tendency to revert to parent/child dynamics.

Women, I think as a carryover from their relationships with their fathers, want and expect guys to make the first move: to always be the one organizing and planning and motivating: taking charge. That has nothing whatever to do with wanting to be treated like a dog. Women also, of course, want to be able to veto things, say no, make changes, suggest alternatives.

 

[Evo]

When I was younger, guys were often too shy to ask me out (that's what I kept telling myself ) so I would simply go up to a boy that I liked and ask him where he was taking me Friday night, it worked every time. It's just an assumptive close. I personally agree with what nsimmons said about using that approach with a girl, I'd probably say yes because it's a novel approach and I wouldn't see it as a "supremacy" thing.

 

[JasonRox]

Right, I included that assumption in my question knowing that you could deny it. Is that what you want? If so, why? If not, why?

I'd say I would want a little both.

I want my girl to take charge of me, and I want to take charge of her once in awhile too.

I think it's part of feeling like you are wanted.

 

[zoobyshoe]

When I was younger, guys were often too shy to ask me out (that's what I kept telling myself ) so I would simply go up to a boy that I liked and ask him where he was taking me Friday night, it worked every time. It's just an assumptive close. I personally agree with what nsimmons said about using that approach with a girl, I'd probably say yes because it's a novel approach and I wouldn't see it as a "supremacy" thing.

"An assumptive close." Good way to put it.

 

[honestrosewater]

You are exaggerating by insisting that in any relationship where one person is the planner/motivator, the other is somehow comparable to a dog.

What did I say that makes you think that? We have such a problem communicating sometimes that I feel like you're just trying to argue with me.

Women respond better if you sort of indirectly say "Im going out, and your comming along".

I thought this and the rest of their advice was clearly not about a divsion of labor or taking the initiative but about dominance and submission. They seem to be suggesting that the typical woman responds better to a man who, instead of asking, tells her what to do. That is, the typical woman, contrary to what I have been led to believe, actually wants to submit to the man who fills that mate/boyfriend/husband role. They also don't seem to suggest this be done as a joke or by being cute -- you wouldn't be indirect about a joke.

I think the typical owner-pet relationship is quite similar to the typical unequal husband-wife (boyfriend-girlfriend, etc.) relationship: they are both dominant-submissive relationships; there's an unequal interdependence (the one in the submissive role being more dependent); the relationship's existence depends on both participants fulfulling responsibilities; there is genuine mutual affection; play between owner-pet may not take the same form as play between husband-wife, but it is present in both and I think it has similar functions. I think the owner-pet relationship is quite nice and healthy, as far as dominant-submissive relationships go.
Husband-wife seems more like owner-pet than like the other dominant-submissive relationships that I can think of: parent-child, master-slave, teacher-student.

If you think it isn't a dominant-submissive thing, consider how well the same kind of behavior would be received 1) in an equal realtionship, as between friends or colleagues or 2) if done by the submissive in a dominant-submissive relationship.

Maybe I was wrong to think that most women don't (as thus this woman probably doesn't) want to be dominated by a man. This is what most people have claimed, but I am starting to think that they were just lying, to me or to themselves. Still, I think it's more civil to assume that a person wants to be treated as your equal even though they are a woman and you are a man. It's kind of like spitting on people; some people might like it, but it's nicer to find out first. Of course, maybe some people are more interested in getting a date than in being nice.

 

[honestrosewater]

I'd say I would want a little both.

I want my girl to take charge of me, and I want to take charge of her once in awhile too.

Are you really switching between dominant and submissive roles or just pretending to? For example, a parent may sometimes let a child act as if the child is in charge, though the parent remains in the dominant role. I don't see how a relationship that is equal with respect to power/control, e.g., a friendship, can change to an unequal one. It's like a fundamental part of a relationship, this equality thing... or at least, it seems so to me.

I think it's part of feeling like you are wanted.

Does being wanted include being depended upon? Wait, which makes you feel wanted: taking charge, being taken charge of, or both?

 

[nsimmons]

Its obvious you have some serious issues about a potentially abusive relationship. How can you begin to speak for all women based on only your experiences. How many women have you asked out? dated? I speak from experience and have support from other members here. Its not a "sad" thing. It has to do with status. No woman seeks out a poor, uneducated, ugly unmotivated man. If they do they want a project and have their own issues.

In every relationship someone is in dominant at anyone time. It has to be that way, there is never and can never be a 50/50 split in a male/female dynamic at all times. If you think otherwise then you're diluding yourself.

Most women do not want a wussy nice guy, who checks with his sweetie about everything he/they do. I never tell a woman what to do, I make a casual fun suggestion, about something I am going to do, then add "hey, why don't you come along". I make suggestions that appeal and offer something for her. Its selling yourself no different than any salesperson would do. Have you ever bought a new car and had the salesman say "you're buying this car now!" No, they present reasons why buying the car is good for you. Its no different trying to get a date.

This usually works. If you say "I was wondering if your free on the weekend", that sounds like a pickup line and gets no reponse. Or it gets "I don't know let me get back to you." Be assertive, direct and decisive or you'll get the brush off. If you don't present yourself as a challenge they get bored fast and you'll be wondering what happened. Every single time. I know. Until i smartened up

Definite daddy/daughter dynamics play into it. Your expected to make the first move, you're expected to escalate things when appropriate. You must constantly be moving things to the next level, or she'll think there's somthing wrong with you.

Pls ignore typos, just finished a 10 hr shift

 

[cronxeh]

The e-mail thing is iffy, I mean it would work only if the woman in question is _that_ shy and would rather talk online. You'll know the one I'm talking about. But if its a furious fist of fury kind of woman (think big.. think Moonbear or Evo for that matter), then you got to let your pheromones work a little. Come up to them, chitty chat crap and be an alpha male.. (looks around the room catching the stares..) ok well I'm going to go now..

 

[zoobyshoe]

What did I say that makes you think that? We have such a problem communicating sometimes that I feel like you're just trying to argue with me.

And yet you proceed to say the same thing again:

I think the typical owner-pet relationship is quite similar to the typical unequal husband-wife (boyfriend-girlfriend, etc.) relationship: they are both dominant-submissive relationships; there's an unequal interdependence (the one in the submissive role being more dependent); the relationship's existence depends on both participants fulfulling responsibilities; there is genuine mutual affection; play between owner-pet may not take the same form as play between husband-wife, but it is present in both and I think it has similar functions. I think the owner-pet relationship is quite nice and healthy, as far as dominant-submissive relationships go.
Husband-wife seems more like owner-pet than like the other dominant-submissive relationships that I can think of: parent-child, master-slave, teacher-student.

I thought this and the rest of their advice was clearly not about a divsion of labor or taking the initiative but about dominance and submission. They seem to be suggesting that the typical woman responds better to a man who, instead of asking, tells her what to do. That is, the typical woman, contrary to what I have been led to believe, actually wants to submit to the man who fills that mate/boyfriend/husband role. They also don't seem to suggest this be done as a joke or by being cute -- you wouldn't be indirect about a joke.

Accepting the invitation, "I'm going out and you're coming with me," or, to use Evo's example "So, where are you taking me Friday night?" could constitute a submission if it were delivered in a dictatorial way, and that would be a sad thing. However, you seem to think that's the only way it can be delivered. In fact, I think everyone in this thread who thinks it would work is assuming it would be delivered in a lighthearted, humorous spirit; a kind of surprising cutting through the bull of hemming and hawing. I don't think anyone is suggesting it should be an offer they can't refuse. There has to be the equivalent of a wink to it.

Maybe I was wrong to think that most women don't (as thus this woman probably doesn't) want to be dominated by a man. This is what most people have claimed, but I am starting to think that they were just lying, to me or to themselves. Still, I think it's more civil to assume that a person wants to be treated as your equal even though they are a woman and you are a man. It's kind of like spitting on people; some people might like it, but it's nicer to find out first. Of course, maybe some people are more interested in getting a date than in being nice.

You are clearly fixated on this dominant/submissive dichotomy and can't pick up on the fact no one's talking about such an extreme thing.

 

[nsimmons]

There has to be the equivalent of a wink to it.

Bingo.

I should also add that I am a geek, i like computers science math, I am on a physics forum?! talking about dating. I am not super hot, though i think I am decent, but I get attention from very attractive women. Being able to cut through the "bull" and getting to the point make a huge difference, and of course its always with a joke and a smile.

 

[zoobyshoe]

Bingo.

Yep. Women run from authentically demanding, dictatorial guys like the plague.

I should also add that I am a geek, i like computers science math, I am on a physics forum?! talking about dating. I am not super hot, though i think I am decent, but I get attention from very attractive women. Being able to cut through the "bull" and getting to the point make a huge difference, and of course its always with a joke and a smile.

It took me the longest time to understand it's not what you look like but how you act that is important.