When to disclose details of sexuality

[brainstorm]

I am curious; when do people disclose all the details of their sexuality to their partner or just a friend? This includes sexual history, turn-ons and turn-offs, fantasies, "dirty secrets," and potentially embarrassing disclosures? Do people eventually disclose everything in a relationship or are some secrets best kept permanently hidden from even the most loved and trusted partner/friend?

 

[Pengwuino]

I think most people keep most of that kind of stuff off-limits to "just friends". For a partner, I think it all just has a natural timing that comes about, just like there's a natural time for a couple to throw out those first "i love you"s and moving in together and when they no longer feel the need to brush their teeth in each others company (the latter should be around 90 years in my opinion...).

 

[brainstorm]

I think most people keep most of that kind of stuff off-limits to "just friends". For a partner, I think it all just has a natural timing that comes about, just like there's a natural time for a couple to throw out those first "i love you"s and moving in together and when they no longer feel the need to brush their teeth in each others company (the latter should be around 90 years in my opinion...).

Brushing your teeth together is something I even do with strangers when camping. I'm talking about stuff like embarrassing sexual fetishes or talking about mutual friends you felt attracted to, or even just something like discussing masturbation or discussing the fear of discussing masturbation. Or are these things better left untouched (excuse the pun)?

 

[Pengwuino]

lawls, i actually meant some people think if they're just going to spend time with their significant other that day, they don't need to brush their teeth. Which is gross in my opinion.

 

[lisab]

This is a really good question, and of course there's no one-size-fits-all answer. It's a question of trust. I have to feel secure that disclosing personal or maybe embarrassing information to someone won't drastically affect how that person views me.

As far as sexual likes/dislikes, I certainly don't have the slightest interest in knowing that about my friends and if they wanted to know mine, I'd find that a bit...disturbing. But a lover? Oh sure, no problem. In fact I'd see it as a red flag if I did't feel comfortable disclosing that sort of intimacy.

And disclosing everything...hmm. Nothing wrong with that in principle, but it's not necessary, imo. A relationship, friend or lover or whatever, can be quite satisfying to both parties without full disclosure of every little thing.

 

[brainstorm]

lawls, i actually meant some people think if they're just going to spend time with their significant other that day, they don't need to brush their teeth. Which is gross in my opinion.

It's always a good idea to brush your teeth with fluoride to prevent cavities, not to mention bad breath and discoloration. Even people who are single should brush their teeth, even if they're planning to spend the whole day alone.

 

[lisab]

It's always a good idea to brush your teeth with fluoride to prevent cavities, not to mention bad breath and discoloration. Even people who are single should brush their teeth, even if they're planning to spend the whole day alone.

...and floss too, for crying out loud...

 

[cronxeh]

First you get laid, then you become friends. Once you are best friends you can discuss anything you want, while consistently reaffirming the bond between you on a sexual level in the bedroom. I don't see how she would be both comfortable and trusting with you and then not accept your kinky side, unless you have some really messed up fetishes

 

[brainstorm]

This is a really good question, and of course there's no one-size-fits-all answer. It's a question of trust. I have to feel secure that disclosing personal or maybe embarrassing information to someone won't drastically affect how that person views me.

As far as sexual likes/dislikes, I certainly don't have the slightest interest in knowing that about my friends and if they wanted to know mine, I'd find that a bit...disturbing. But a lover? Oh sure, no problem. In fact I'd see it as a red flag if I did't feel comfortable disclosing that sort of intimacy.

And disclosing everything...hmm. Nothing wrong with that in principle, but it's not necessary, imo. A relationship, friend or lover or whatever, can be quite satisfying to both parties without full disclosure of every little thing.

Perfect answer . . . BUT what about when a partner discloses something that you wouldn't feel comfortable sharing with them - or vice versa: when you feel like sharing something but you are concerned it will make them uncomfortable? Is this the time to break it off or just avoid the issue and move on with things that won't cause difficulty?

 

[brainstorm]

First you get laid, then you become friends. Once you are best friends you can discuss anything you want, while consistently reaffirming the bond between you on a sexual level in the bedroom. I don't see how she would be both comfortable and trusting with you and then not accept your kinky side, unless you have some really messed up fetishes

1) jealousy
2) alienation (she doesn't understand how you could like that or feel that way)
3) judgment (she never thought of you as "that kind of person")
4) insecurity (she thinks that if she can't live up to your fantasy/fetish/desires that you'll become unsatisfied and leave her, eventually)
5) she'll change her behavior to accommodate what she thinks you want/like, and end up growing increasingly unhappy until something happens to end the relationship (because she's afraid to just tell you she wants to break it off because you disclosed your deep secrets of your true self to her)
6) why is this all about "she?" It could be about "he" too, couldn't it?

This is all I could come up with for now, but I'm sure the list could be lengthened.

 

[lisab]

Perfect answer . . . BUT what about when a partner discloses something that you wouldn't feel comfortable sharing with them - or vice versa: when you feel like sharing something but you are concerned it will make them uncomfortable? Is this the time to break it off or just avoid the issue and move on with things that won't cause difficulty?

Sticky situation there.

I don't think I'd break it off, because it could just be a timing issue. Meaning, maybe in time you'd both feel comfortable sharing, it's just one of you isn't there - yet. Emphasis on yet.

I think I'd bring up the 'sharing intimate information' topic with your partner, just like this thread. And be open and honest about not being ready yet to share, but that you want to move the relationship in that direction...that sort of thing.

 

[cronxeh]

There is nothing that could possibly shock me about my girlfriend's choices or fetishes. So the only thing to consider is that you need to have a pretty accurate picture of what you think the girl is like before you jump into any further dynamics of interpersonal relationships. I.E you should have a pretty good understanding of who she is before you even have sex with her, and if you can't really assume who she is, then there is something wrong in your communications with her.

 

[GeorginaS]

lawls, i actually meant some people think if they're just going to spend time with their significant other that day, they don't need to brush their teeth. Which is gross in my opinion.

Okay that is just hideous. Who on Earth does that? That's not a matter of being comfortable with someone. Good personal hygiene is good personal hygiene even when you're alone. "I like you and we aren't going out anywhere today, so I'm not going to brush my teeth"? Yeah, I just found somewhere for them to go.

Perfect answer . . . BUT what about when a partner discloses something that you wouldn't feel comfortable sharing with them - or vice versa: when you feel like sharing something but you are concerned it will make them uncomfortable? Is this the time to break it off or just avoid the issue and move on with things that won't cause difficulty?

(Lisa's answer about the initial question was brilliant. As always.)

I think, brainstorm, in a situation like that, though, where someone offers disclosure to you before you think you're prepared to disclose something to them, what I would stop and consider are two things. First, I'd think about the fact of how much that person evidently trusts me to accept them as they are for offering up that disclosure in the first place. (Okay, maybe three things.) Second, I'd think about how much courage it must have taken for them to put themselves out there. Last, I'd think about how I was reacting to what they'd told me.

If I was perfectly fine with what they'd said (which, unless they told me that they were into something that didn't involved informed consent of one of the parties, I'm trying to fathom what someone could tell me about themselves that would shock me or push me over some edge. I've not encountered it yet.) then I think I'd feel comfortable to give them some credit and feel safe to share something back. Even if it hadn't considered disclosure before they'd opened up. Them sharing opens the door to you sharing. It's an invitation to build trust.

Also, last idea, if I'm being sexually intimate with someone, then obviously I feel a high level of comfort with them. And so, if I trust them with my body, then I trust for who I am to be okay for them. And if it's not, then it's evident they're not for me. That takes some self-assurance, to be sure, and no, no one wants to weird anyone out if they really like them, and easier said than done and all of that, but. If they aren't okay with fundamental pieces of you, then why bother? Truly.

 

[Pengwuino]

1) jealousy
2) alienation (she doesn't understand how you could like that or feel that way)
3) judgment (she never thought of you as "that kind of person")
4) insecurity (she thinks that if she can't live up to your fantasy/fetish/desires that you'll become unsatisfied and leave her, eventually)
5) she'll change her behavior to accommodate what she thinks you want/like, and end up growing increasingly unhappy until something happens to end the relationship (because she's afraid to just tell you she wants to break it off because you disclosed your deep secrets of your true self to her)
6) why is this all about "she?" It could be about "he" too, couldn't it?

This is all I could come up with for now, but I'm sure the list could be lengthened.

After reading this list, I'm starting to think why should it be like anything else in a relationship? Replace sexual tendencies/fetishes with... political parties, joining the NRA, being an eco-terrorist, or being a fan of Lifetime and those same problems could exist. Say for example, you join a club for fanatic art lovers or something and your significant other has no interest in art. Jealousy over spending time there? Sure. Alienation, judgement? Why not! Maybe the person not into art would feel like they have to change for the other person or maybe they might lost interest in them for that reason. Whether or not you're an art junkie or into BDSM, in the end isn't it basically the same idea just on different levels? They're both something someone might feel passionate or strongly about.

Sure its a sexual thing versus a hobby, but if you define your relationship based so strongly on sexual desires, I think you have problems.

This threads hawt.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

Perhaps one could just be an open person in general and then there would not be any problem. For me personally the only secrets are the ones that I will not ever tell anyone, otherwise I see no reason why any particular thing about me is not to be shared except with certain people. Obviously one probably oughtn't up and decide to discuss just anything about themselves with random people and should be conscious of the fact that you may make someone uncomfortable discussing certain topics, but really why should you be embarrassed? These are things about you, they are part of who you are, why should you be embarrassed about who you are? And why would you want to spend time with someone who will be embarrassed by who you are? I would say its a quick easy way to find out if you are really compatible with someone to tell them things about yourself that may make them think differently about you. And its probably better to find this out sooner rather than later.

Caveat: Telling people at work personal things about yourself is probably a bad idea. They are people you have a relationship with that is not entirely based on choice.

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

Are you kidding? I've been married 20 years and I just got around to telling her that I like James Bond movies.

 

[DanP]

I tend do disclose by doing it :P Just gently guide her to what turns you on, or toward a certain thing you want done, and see how she reacts. Remember, anything is allowed in bed as long as it consensual. There are no dirty things. If she is much more conventional in bed than you, or vice versa, chances are you'll end up frustrated so maybe find someone closer to what you are.

As for sexual history: I never disclose it. Dont ask, don't tell. Who cares with how many man she slept ? I dont.

 

[brainstorm]

I tend do disclose by doing it :P Just gently guide her to what turns you on, or toward a certain thing you want done, and see how she reacts. Remember, anything is allowed in bed as long as it consensual. There are no dirty things. If she is much more conventional in bed than you, or vice versa, chances are you'll end up frustrated so maybe find someone closer to what you are.

As for sexual history: I never disclose it. Dont ask, don't tell. Who cares with how many man she slept ? I dont.

But what if it's something she wants to get off her chest (all these expressions sound punny when talking about sex, don't they?)? Then if you seem to feel uncomfortable with her disclosing the details of her sexual history, how is she going to get the nerve up to tell you she really likes to talk about past experiences, including sex? If she's afraid to lose you, she might go on repressing that desire to share for as long as possible - resulting in what kind of long term effects?

btw, I think the expression "monkey on your back" should definitely not be used when discussing sex addiction.

 

[DanP]

But what if it's something she wants to get off her chest (all these expressions sound punny when talking about sex, don't they?)? Then if you seem to feel uncomfortable with her disclosing the details of her sexual history, how is she going to get the nerve up to tell you she really likes to talk about past experiences, including sex? If she's afraid to lose you, she might go on repressing that desire to share for as long as possible - resulting in what kind of long term effects?

Just let her talk, is she really wants to. It shouldn't make you too uncomfortable. most of it is harmless gossip. If she tells you that she slept with 2 man or whatever else and you find this really hard to digest, see my point above. Maybe she is much wilder than you and both of you would be better of with partners more similar to you.

 

[brainstorm]

Just let her talk, is she really wants to. It shouldn't make you too uncomfortable. most of it is harmless gossip. If she tells you that she slept with 2 man or whatever else and you find this really hard to digest, see my point above. Maybe she is much wilder than you and both of you would be better of with partners more similar to you.

Allow me to contextualize this a little more, because I think you oversimplify the potential reality: Imagine your GF has had many partners before you. In fact, consider she had a period where she threw caution to the wind and had regular casual sexual encounters. Consider she became somewhat to moderately addicted to sex and started to dislike the compulsive nature of her desire and behavior - so she decided she wanted to get out of the habit and get into a monogamous relationship. Now, imagine she still feels a nagging desire to get with other men on a regular basis but she struggles against it. She feels that she should not be hiding this fact of herself to you, because she truly loves you and doesn't want to keep secrets, but she's afraid you will think she's prone to giving into any man who she's mildly attracted to who seduces her into bed (which she is, but resists doing). How would you approach the situation if you were her in this situation?

 

[DanP]

Allow me to contextualize this a little more, because I think you oversimplify the potential reality: Imagine your GF has had many partners before you. In fact, consider she had a period where she threw caution to the wind and had regular casual sexual encounters. Consider she became somewhat to moderately addicted to sex and started to dislike the compulsive nature of her desire and behavior - so she decided she wanted to get out of the habit and get into a monogamous relationship. Now, imagine she still feels a nagging desire to get with other men on a regular basis but she struggles against it. She feels that she should not be hiding this fact of herself to you, because she truly loves you and doesn't want to keep secrets, but she's afraid you will think she's prone to giving into any man who she's mildly attracted to who seduces her into bed (which she is, but resists doing). How would you approach the situation if you were her in this situation?

IMO this is not an issue of disclosure, or of sensibilities and timing when and what to disclose. This is a serious issue, which may require professional help. If you love her, you shouldn't feel uncomfortable by what she is telling you, burying your head in the sand won't do any good to anyone.

The issue with impulse control disorder is that even with all good intentions, the persons who suffers from them may relapse extremely easy. The issue is not that you shouldn't trust her, the real issue is that she may very well have the best intentions in the world towards you and to control her ICD, but she may fail to do so.

So the real question is, are you prepared to handle the situation, and stick with it whatever it happen ? She may very well sleep with another man. She will not doit to harm you. She later can be ashamed by the relapse, feel guilt, anxiety. May slightly alienate herself from you. Can you handle this ? Can you help her overcome the ICD and stick with her if she requires professional help ? ICDs are all dangerous. Sexual addiction can be as hard to treat like substance abuse. It is a real issue.

Think at it. It won't be easy for you.

 

[nucleargirl]

Allow me to contextualize this a little more, because I think you oversimplify the potential reality: Imagine your GF has had many partners before you. In fact, consider she had a period where she threw caution to the wind and had regular casual sexual encounters. Consider she became somewhat to moderately addicted to sex and started to dislike the compulsive nature of her desire and behavior - so she decided she wanted to get out of the habit and get into a monogamous relationship. Now, imagine she still feels a nagging desire to get with other men on a regular basis but she struggles against it. She feels that she should not be hiding this fact of herself to you, because she truly loves you and doesn't want to keep secrets, but she's afraid you will think she's prone to giving into any man who she's mildly attracted to who seduces her into bed (which she is, but resists doing). How would you approach the situation if you were her in this situation?

Good question! What would YOU do if you were the boyfriend? and you love the girl and she loves you too? but she's got problems like above?

 

[cronxeh]

Allow me to contextualize this a little more, because I think you oversimplify the potential reality: Imagine your GF has had many partners before you. In fact, consider she had a period where she threw caution to the wind and had regular casual sexual encounters. Consider she became somewhat to moderately addicted to sex and started to dislike the compulsive nature of her desire and behavior - so she decided she wanted to get out of the habit and get into a monogamous relationship. Now, imagine she still feels a nagging desire to get with other men on a regular basis but she struggles against it. She feels that she should not be hiding this fact of herself to you, because she truly loves you and doesn't want to keep secrets, but she's afraid you will think she's prone to giving into any man who she's mildly attracted to who seduces her into bed (which she is, but resists doing). How would you approach the situation if you were her in this situation?

I am not a violent man, but .. Also this is a PG-13 forum after all, so let's not go there. I guess what I am trying to say is that push me past a certain threshold and I can be Jackie Gleason-Christian Bale-Mel Gibson taken to another level, so that alone should be a deterrent.

Actually, a woman will likely to test whether you are a wimp by probing your reactions to various scenarious, and a very wise woman would not push you too far. It is unlikely that she will seek another man if you are sensitive to her needs and yet capable of bringing down thermonuclear whoopass when needed.

 

[brainstorm]

Good question! What would YOU do if you were the boyfriend? and you love the girl and she loves you too? but she's got problems like above?

I would probably try to be understanding and forgiving, but when would you start to feel like the victim? Look at popular opinion regarding Tiger Woods. No one feels compassion for his sexual compulsions, obsessions, addiction, or whatever they are. People like to be compassionate in theory but when it is them finding themselves in the situation, they get overwhelmed by fear and the feeling of being out of control, and react negatively. People who know this hide their behavior, even though they long to find someone they can trust. So the bigger question is what do you do when you sense there is something your partner doesn't trust you with, which you can sense is affecting your relationship, but they keep insisting it's nothing and blaming you for asking them about it. They may be in complete denial about it or you might just be misinterpreting the situation - it all becomes quite vague. Clearly, this is a recipe for a break-up, but the question is whether there is anything you can do if this is a relationship that's worth saving.

 

[DaveC426913]

I would probably try to be understanding and forgiving, but when would you start to feel like the victim? Look at popular opinion regarding Tiger Woods. No one feels compassion for his sexual compulsions, obsessions, addiction, or whatever they are. People like to be compassionate in theory but when it is them finding themselves in the situation, they get overwhelmed by fear and the feeling of being out of control, and react negatively. People who know this hide their behavior, even though they long to find someone they can trust. So the bigger question is what do you do when you sense there is something your partner doesn't trust you with, which you can sense is affecting your relationship, but they keep insisting it's nothing and blaming you for asking them about it. They may be in complete denial about it or you might just be misinterpreting the situation - it all becomes quite vague. Clearly, this is a recipe for a break-up, but the question is whether there is anything you can do if this is a relationship that's worth saving.

So I'm trying to sort out what kind of challenge this is.

It seems she has a history that is obviously troubling her; she does not want to divulge it, but is apparently doing a poor job of hiding it, so it's affecting your relationship.

Am I on the right track?

 

[DanP]

I would probably try to be understanding and forgiving, but when would you start to feel like the victim? Look at popular opinion regarding Tiger Woods. No one feels compassion for his sexual compulsions, obsessions, addiction, or whatever they are. People like to be compassionate in theory but when it is them finding themselves in the situation, they get overwhelmed by fear and the feeling of being out of control, and react negatively.

You never know if you got what it takes until you actually doit.

People who know this hide their behavior, even though they long to find someone they can trust. So the bigger question is what do you do when you sense there is something your partner doesn't trust you with, which you can sense is affecting your relationship, but they keep insisting it's nothing and blaming you for asking them about it. They may be in complete denial about it or you might just be misinterpreting the situation - it all becomes quite vague. Clearly, this is a recipe for a break-up, but the question is whether there is anything you can do if this is a relationship that's worth saving.

If indeed the gf has an ICD, she migth be in complete denial. You can't help her unless she wants help. She doesn't it seems. But she may also be just "slutty" and has no issues whatsoever and you somehow try to excuse her sexual behavior by thinking she has an ICD.

 

[brainstorm]

It seems she has a history that is obviously troubling her; she does not want to divulge it, but is apparently doing a poor job of hiding it, so it's affecting your relationship.

Am I on the right track?

The hypothetical I was describing involved the person wanting to talk about her past but feeling afraid that she would be judged and rejected for it. Still, keeping her past and present feelings/struggle secret is also causing her problems. That was the hypothetical I described. I don't know what others are thinking or are focussed on.

If indeed the gf has an ICD, she migth be in complete denial. You can't help her unless she wants help. She doesn't it seems. But she may also be just "slutty" and has no issues whatsoever and you somehow try to excuse her sexual behavior by thinking she has an ICD.

What is the difference? Isn't "slutty" just a lay term for this formal disorder term you are using? If you want to talk about it in terms of being "slutty," the question becomes what do you do if your GF is slutty and knows you will be uncomfortable with it if you find out, but she really wants to be with just you and is trying hard to change her feelings to do so? Do you try to get her to feel comfortable enough with you to talk openly about it, even though you know there's a chance you'll leave her once you are confronted with the issue? Or do you just encourage her to avoid telling you anything that you know could jeopardize your relationship, even if the secrecy eats her up inside?

 

[nucleargirl]

the question becomes what do you do if your GF is slutty and knows you will be uncomfortable with it if you find out, but she really wants to be with just you and is trying hard to change her feelings to do so? Do you try to get her to feel comfortable enough with you to talk openly about it, even though you know there's a chance you'll leave her once you are confronted with the issue? Or do you just encourage her to avoid telling you anything that you know could jeopardize your relationship, even if the secrecy eats her up inside?

ah this simplifies things! of course you talk about it! - she wants to change, you want her to change, so you should talk about it and work out a way to change! You should not leave her because of her past - she's trying to change for you! you should help her and support her. If you just let it eat her up inside... then eventually she won't be the person you fell in love with.

 

[DanP]

What is the difference? Isn't "slutty" just a lay term for this formal disorder term you are using?

Enormous. An ICD is when you can't control your impulse. ICD are also not diagnosable by layman. Slutty is when you sleep with whoever you want, but you are in control. Its not obsessive. You decide when, with whom, and how. Sexual addiction is vastly different.

You may think that someone who sleeps with what may seem a huge number of partners of partners has an ICD, but really, she may be perfectly healthy and have no issues whatsoever, and the number of partners may be just seem normal to another person.

Many of those celebrities labeled with sexual addiction are perfectly healthy in fact. They undergo rehab and claim ICDs from "political" reasons, regarding popularity usually in certain populations.

he question becomes what do you do if your GF is slutty and knows you will be uncomfortable with it if you find out, but she really wants to be with just you and is trying hard to change her feelings to do so?

Nah. If this is what she is , its just a choice. She doesn't want to be just with you :P

Even if the secrecy eats her up inside?

Or it eats you ? Anyway, pressure to disclose won't solve a ****.

 

[nucleargirl]

Actually, a woman will likely to test whether you are a wimp by probing your reactions to various scenarious, and a very wise woman would not push you too far. It is unlikely that she will seek another man if you are sensitive to her needs and yet capable of bringing down thermonuclear whoopass when needed.

Cronxeh you scare me! there shouldn't be a need to feel like this! - its not a battle of sneakiness or fear! I don't think any girl who truly loves you would be trying to do anything to hurt you or test you or anything like that, so there is no need to feel so defensive and threatened! what you are describing sounds like girls who just want to use you... in which case they do not truly love you. and so you shouldn't be with them in the first place, unless you are trying to use them... well then you deserve each other...

 

[brainstorm]

ah this simplifies things! of course you talk about it! - she wants to change, you want her to change, so you should talk about it and work out a way to change! You should not leave her because of her past - she's trying to change for you! you should help her and support her. If you just let it eat her up inside... then eventually she won't be the person you fell in love with.

But what if you can sense that she is holding out on telling you until she gets a sense that you will absolutely forgive and tolerate her past behavior and potential future lapses in self-control? So break it down: she could have cheated on you multiple times and kept it a secret. She wants forgiveness for that AND she wants you to give her a sense of security that you won't leave her if she does it again. At that point, you may feel like supporting her in trying to change, but how much can you take before you feel like a doormat?

In that case, should you admit to her that you would leave someone who put you in such a position, knowing that she will probably continue to keep it a secret and struggle with that? Or should you try to seduce her into opening up to you, as she longs to do, even though you know you could ultimately get upset and leave her as a result?

 

[cronxeh]

Cronxeh you scare me! there shouldn't be a need to feel like this! - its not a battle of sneakiness or fear! I don't think any girl who truly loves you would be trying to do anything to hurt you or test you or anything like that, so there is no need to feel so defensive and threatened! what you are describing sounds like girls who just want to use you... in which case they do not truly love you. and so you shouldn't be with them in the first place, unless you are trying to use them... well then you deserve each other...

My point exactly. But a girl is not a woman. A woman will not be turned on by being with a wimp, so sometimes she needs you to feel jealousy, maybe a little rage, and sometimes you need to roar to send those shivers down her spine. Otherwise you will be stepped over and not respected.

And you should be scared. This is not some act or pretend gameplay. When you poke at a funny bone you will evoke a response. When you poke at my manly rage bone you will evoke a response. Maybe I'll punch a TV and throw a 5 gallon water bottle 10 stories down onto a car parked outside. Who knows?

 

[DanP]

But what if you can sense that she is holding out on telling you until she gets a sense that you will absolutely forgive and tolerate her past behavior and potential future lapses in self-control? So break it down: she could have cheated on you multiple times and kept it a secret. She wants forgiveness for that AND she wants you to give her a sense of security that you won't leave her if she does it again. At that point, you may feel like supporting her in trying to change, but how much can you take before you feel like a doormat?

Id say what you sense is most likely a projection of your own desires. Wishful thinking.

 

[nucleargirl]

lol! now that's just talking things too far! lol! I've never heard of a manly rage bone! but if there was one you would know!
I don't know what kind of women you are hanging out with, but I have never met such women! all the girls i know are not like that!

 

[nucleargirl]

A woman will not be turned on by being with a wimp,

actually I don't think anyone is turned on by a wimp... I don't think anyone even wants to be friends with a wimp... but being aggressive is like being the polar opposite of a wimp, and we all know how extremes of any kind are not good! I don't think anyone wants to be with a aggressive person neither. Basically both characteristics show fear inside, and a lack of confidence.

I think being in the middle- no fear, no aggression, just being you and being a confident person is best.

 

[cronxeh]

actually I don't think anyone is turned on by a wimp... I don't think anyone even wants to be friends with a wimp... but being aggressive is like being the polar opposite of a wimp, and we all know how extremes of any kind are not good! I don't think anyone wants to be with a aggressive person neither. Basically both characteristics show fear inside, and a lack of confidence.

I think being in the middle- no fear, no aggression, just being you and being a confident person is best.

No, aggression feels good. It has nothing to do with fear, it is a pure feeling of rage that you can channel into something productive. You can be aggressive during a fight, during sex, during competition, during math exam, or during a job interview. And like I said, I am not a violent person.

 

[DanP]

No, aggression feels good. It has nothing to do with fear, it is a pure feeling of rage that you can channel into something productive. And like I said, I am not a violent person.

Behold Cronxeh (top )

[PLAIN]http://othersideoftheplanet.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/09/squirrel_sith_lightning.jpg

 

[cronxeh]

Behold Cronxeh (top )

There is a difference between hostile and instrumental aggression

 

[nucleargirl]

No, aggression feels good. It has nothing to do with fear, it is a pure feeling of rage that you can channel into something productive. You can be aggressive during a fight, during sex, during competition, during math exam, or during a job interview. And like I said, I am not a violent person.

hm interesting... I don't really have this feeling that you describe...
when I feel like doing something productive I usually feel more like happy - like yeah! I'm doing this amazing thing! yay!
actually, ok I have felt aggression when I'm angry, but I wouldn't describe it as constructive- more destructive if anything... it shuts off my mind and stops me thinking, and then its not good, especially if you are arguing with someone. It just makes me feel really mad! not good feeling!
Never felt it in a job interview - more nervous and scared!

 

[cronxeh]

hm interesting... I don't really have this feeling that you describe...

No kidding. You are a girl, or a very wimpy guy. Either way, you can't know what it feels like to be a man

I have felt aggression when I'm angry, but I wouldn't describe it as constructive- more destructive if anything... it shuts off my mind and stops me thinking, and then its not good, especially if you are arguing with someone. It just makes me feel really mad! not good feeling!

Quite the opposite for me. Aggression gives me clarity, boost of energy, and numbs any pain I may feel. It is the ultimate rush, I guess if you play DnD/WoW its like the barbarian rage. ROOAAR!

 

[DanP]

No kidding. You are a girl, or a very wimpy guy. Either way, you can't know what it feels like to be a man

You want this, don't you? The hate is swelling in you now. Take your Jedi weapon. Use it. I am unarmed. Strike me down with it. Give into your anger. With each passing moment you make yourself more my servant.

His Majesty Emperor Palpatine

 

[cronxeh]

No, no. Anger leads to hostile aggression. It is an irrational fear coupled with frustration that you feel. It is just sillypants.

Instrumental aggression is awesome:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y2vrGK1pRL8


Hostile aggression is lame:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5b9ONh4FtlI

 

[DanP]

Instrumental aggression is awesome.

Instrumental aggression:

aggression against another person in which the aggression is used as a means of securing some reward or to achieve a goal.

It's basically predatory aggression. If you say you are not a violent person, believe me, you never had used instrumental aggression.

 

[brainstorm]

No, aggression feels good. It has nothing to do with fear, it is a pure feeling of rage that you can channel into something productive. You can be aggressive during a fight, during sex, during competition, during math exam, or during a job interview. And like I said, I am not a violent person.

I once worked for an elderly guy who explained the etymology of ag-gress(ion) to me as meaning simply "going toward." Aggression is really just a feeling of invigoration in working toward a goal. Nevertheless, you should understand that many people have been taught to fear and repress aggression with the belief that there are less violent ways to pursue goals. This is somewhat indicative of the "Freudian era," if I could call it that, because the strategy is to "sublimate" aggression by channeling it into less direct expression. Imo, passive aggression is rampant in present-day culture because of the high degree of aggression-repression/sublimation, but you have to understand that people who are acting passive aggressive aren't directly choosing to express their aggression that way. All they perceive is the "active" aggression that they are avoiding. For example, they feel like punching you or screaming at you for something, but since they control themselves and avoid doing that, they are patting themselves on the back for their self-control without thinking about the fact that they are being snide or turning progressive shades of red while maintaining an artificially calm tone.

In any case, there's really not much point in arguing a case for aggression to such people, because they will always stay fixated on hyper-violent imagery of active aggression such as the picture of squirrels electrocuting each other above. In truth, aggression can be expressed in a harmless way, and even less harmfully than passive forms of aggression, but for that to happen, people have to have a sense of it being ok. As long as someone experiences any form of expressing active aggression as breaking a taboo, they will only react with their own (passive) aggression toward the breach of the taboo. So, you're just exposing yourself to reactionary aggression by expressing any legitimacy for aggression.

 

[DanP]

I once worked for an elderly guy who explained the etymology of ag-gress(ion) to me as meaning simply "going toward." Aggression is really just a feeling of invigoration in working toward a goal.

The layman definitions are pretty much remote from the definitions used in social psychology.

 

[cronxeh]

Instrumental aggression:

aggression against another person in which the aggression is used as a means of securing some reward or to achieve a goal.

It's basically predatory aggression. If you say you are not a violent person, believe me, you never had used instrumental aggression.

I have never used violence to achieve a goal. I have used aggression to achieve a goal, and trust me, I felt good while doing it. I guess for you to understand the difference, refer to Cesar Millan's show The Dog Whisperer. People are a lot alike to dogs when it comes to social attitudes.

 

[nucleargirl]

hm, yes this is all very interesting - I had no idea there were different types of aggression! but I think we are digressing from the thread so maybe we should start a new one if we are to discuss this further.

 

[DanP]

I have never used violence to achieve a goal. I have used aggression to achieve a goal, and trust me, I felt good while doing it.

I really think you confuse some terms here, or you created your own definitions for "aggression", especially for the instrumental type.Perhaps you discovered how it is to be assertive. But ok, beeit as you say. Let's talk about chicks.

 

[brainstorm]

The layman definitions are pretty much remote from the definitions used in social psychology.

Notice the difference between the denotation of root-meanings and the connotations expressed in the following definition from the online etymology dictionary:

aggression
1610s, "unprovoked attack," noun of action from verb aggress "to approach, to start an argument" (1570s), from Fr. aggresser, from L.L. aggressare, freq. of L. aggredi (pp. aggressus) "to approach, attack," from ad- "to" + gradi (pp. gressus) "to step," from gradus "a step" (see grade). Psychological sense of "hostile or destructive behavior" first recorded 1912 in A.A. Brill's translation of Freud.

gradi/gressus means "to step" and the prefix mean "toward." Whether "stepping toward" something or someone is interpreted as hostile, violent, or to what extent really has to do with the perspective of the person getting "stepped toward," right? The person doing the stepping might not intend hostility or violence. Likewise, if something directs some expression or action in your direction and you react with a great deal of fear and defensiveness, this could be out of an intense desire to control interactions with others completely.

Either way, the point is that by defining aggression at a taboo level of violence and hostility, it creates a premium to repress and control it. The question then becomes what is strong enough to repress and control aggression except another form of aggression, preferably one that doesn't bring attack on itself by appearing as aggression. In other words, passive aggression. Don't believe me? Read back through the post responses to the pro-aggression stance and analyze what tactics people used to "put aggression in its place."

 

[lisab]

I think agression without violence can be called assertiveness.

But for the OP...are you certain what you're dealing with is a true sexual addiction? I mean, was this a diagnosis from a trained counselor?