Dating Struggles: Can't Commit to a Nice Guy

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In summary, the conversation revolved around the topic of relationships and the struggle of committing to someone. The participants shared their experiences and opinions, with one person giving advice on controlling emotions and another emphasizing the importance of finding the right person rather than settling for someone who is nice but not the right fit. They also discussed the decision-making process for simple tasks like choosing dinner and the misconception that being nice automatically means someone is a good match for a relationship.
  • #1
Lisa!
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So I've been dating this very nice guy for the 3 monthes! He's fun, open-minded and intelligent.
We get along really well with each other. I even talked to him about my sickness(MS) and he didin't take a big deal of it and said that's ok. I guess I won't find any nice guy like him in my life. I just don't know why I can't convince myself to be commited to him.
You know there's this other guy whom I talked about him https://www.physicsforums.com/showthread.php?t=387040" last year. You know he lives in the city where I study and I travel regularly but for some strange reasons and events we've not found the chance to go out on a date seriously. I know that he's so out of my league and we might not even get to like each other but I just can't get him out of my mind and thinking about other guys. Things are pretty complicated. Have you ever been in the same situation that you want to let someone go and focusing on your life but you wouldn't be able to do that?

Sorry that if it doesn't make sense to you!:redface::shy:
 
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  • #2
I have been in the same situation many years ago.

What I did was to view it as a nuisance and not act upon it. Its like when I see a very physically attractive woman in the street and that makes me lose my concentration for a second. I know this happens because my brain secretes hormones that make me want things. Its not me who is thinking, its just genes trying to propagate themselves. The same when I feel attracted to someone that I would never get along with. I just put my logic above my feelings and go on with my life. It then goes away sometime. Its the same thing as having any feeling which you would rather not act upon, like feeling I want to play a game when I have a lot to study.

It needs sufficient self-control though, the chemical reactions in our brains that make us like people are not always controlable! And even if they are, it may make you feel very uncomfortable, at least for a while. But for me, knowing why it happens is a way to deal with it.
 
  • #3
I don't remember ever getting to a certain point in a relationship and thinking "I'm committed". Perhaps you shouldn't get too hung up on that transition. If it's right, it will happen. I lived with my wife for about 6 months before I asked her to marry me, and it took a week or two for her to say yes. It has been 36 years, so I'm pretty sure we'll stay together. Plus, there's our child to think about. :tongue:

happydog.jpg
 
  • #4
Constantinos, are you from vulcan?
 
  • #5
Sounds like the grass is greener on the other side, though we seem to always want just what we can't have, and sometimes it turns out that you don't know what you've lost until its gone, but if you never ever go, you'll never ever know.

:wink:
 
  • #6
Andy said:
Constantinos, are you from vulcan?

:rofl:

Nah! Its just that I like controlling myself. I seriously lack this towards other things (for example I am supposed to eat now and study some, instead of commenting on PF) but it comes out easy on me when I have to deal with people.

If I was from Star Trek, I'd rather be the Borg Collective Consciousness. I think I'll go assimilate some pasta now and add the chicken's biological distinctiveness to my own...
 
  • #7
turbo said:
I don't remember ever getting to a certain point in a relationship and thinking "I'm committed". Perhaps you shouldn't get too hung up on that transition. If it's right, it will happen. I lived with my wife for about 6 months before I asked her to marry me, and it took a week or two for her to say yes. It has been 36 years, so I'm pretty sure we'll stay together. Plus, there's our child to think about. :tongue:

So how long does it take you guys to decide what's for dinner tonight?:biggrin:
 
  • #8
256bits said:
So how long does it take you guys to decide what's for dinner tonight?:biggrin:
Not long. What do we have on hand? What can one or both of us make out of it? When will it be ready? That's pretty much it. We do free-style cooking around here.
 
  • #9
Someone can be a really nice person that you like very much but just not really be "the one" for you. I assume that you have very nice and fun female friends that you like very much that you are not interested in being in a serious relationship with. This is why I think there is so much divorce and unhappy marriage, because people seem to think that if they find a nice attractive person that they should fall in love with them. It is also a constant source of consternation for many males "I am a really nice guy, why don't you want to date me?"
 
  • #10
TheStatutoryApe said:
Someone can be a really nice person that you like very much but just not really be "the one" for you. I assume that you have very nice and fun female friends that you like very much that you are not interested in being in a serious relationship with. This is why I think there is so much divorce and unhappy marriage, because people seem to think that if they find a nice attractive person that they should fall in love with them. It is also a constant source of consternation for many males "I am a really nice guy, why don't you want to date me?"

Exactly, if you're not feeling it don't do it. Saves much heartache on both sides in the future.

After me and my last girlfriend broke up I started seeing many girls... some I knew would be great for a serious relationship and most of them really got to like me. But instead of lying to myself and forcing the issue with myself I just told them everything straight how it was. I didn't want to be in a relationship with them. Most of these girls got pretty pissed off at me but I think that was better than dating them for a few months, wasting money, time, and then getting them to like me EVEN more while the entire time I wasn't feeling the relationship. This would just hurt them more and make a difficult situation worse for myself.

So regardless of how great the person seems or how perfect they are if you're not wanting to be in a relationship with them then don't. There's always that next guy out there.
 
  • #11
Good point, stat and zomgwtf. Sometimes a person who is a great match "on paper" just doesn't click. Don't force it.
 
  • #12
Thank you for your comments! They were very helpful.:smile:
I rejected the nice guy last night and now I'm feeling really better:biggrin:
 

1. Why do I struggle to commit to nice guys?

There could be a variety of reasons for this struggle. It could stem from past experiences or traumas, fear of vulnerability, or simply not feeling a strong enough connection with the person. It's important to reflect on your own feelings and thought processes to better understand why committing may be difficult for you.

2. Is it normal to have commitment issues when it comes to dating?

Yes, it is completely normal to have commitment issues in dating. Many people struggle with this at some point in their lives. It's important to acknowledge and address these issues in order to have healthy and fulfilling relationships.

3. Can therapy help with commitment issues?

Yes, therapy can be very beneficial in addressing commitment issues. A therapist can help you identify the root causes of your struggles and provide strategies for overcoming them. They can also provide a safe and non-judgmental space for you to process your feelings and work towards building healthier relationship patterns.

4. How can I communicate my struggles with commitment to a potential partner?

Honest and open communication is key in any relationship. It's important to be transparent with your potential partner about your struggles with commitment. Let them know that it's not about them, but rather your own personal struggles. This can help create understanding and allow for healthy communication and support.

5. Can I overcome my commitment issues?

Yes, with self-reflection, therapy, and open communication with your partner, you can work towards overcoming your commitment issues. It may take time and effort, but it is possible to develop healthier and more fulfilling relationships. Remember to be patient and kind to yourself throughout the process.

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